My wife is asexual

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So lately, I've been trying to be more open with her and I've eliminated just coming up to her and groping her breasts and wagging my wang in her face. It's a guy thing, I swear. I've gone about three weeks without grabbing them, motorboating her, slapping her bum or just dry-humping her leg like some dog might do.

The male/female dichotomy is a tricky thing, huh? I'm trying to learn what turns *her* on and what she finds romantic. I can't think of it in terms of, "getting her juices flowing" anymore. She's not a guy. I am. *I* think that way, she doesn't.

Still nothing. Maybe a couple of PDA smooches that lasted two seconds longer than it should have in a public place.

Ummm. Yeah. Sounds like you didn't have the best approaches to getting her in the mood. Well done with changing you tactics. Here's the problem though. She's an individual, and doing what you think "women want" might not work because different women want different things. That's where communication comes in, but the ball's in her court there. If she's not willing to share that info with you, then she's not really interested in solving your problems.

Also, you might have to deal with the fact that you do everything right, and she's still just not that into sex. Or she's into sex on a theoretical basis, but doesn't prioritize it enough to make an effort. "I know we should be having more sex, just not right now..."

A good resource might be Joan Price. Her main expertise is sexual health for seniors, but much is applicable for anyone who finds their libido flagging. One important message is that it's perfectly healthy and perfectly fine to start getting sexy even when you aren't feeling sexy at the moment. A lot of people fall into the "default no" trap where they think they have to be horny right then or it's not natural. Sex can still be just as fun and just as intimate and bonding even if you needed a little stimulation before you started to feel "in the mood."

I've been reading some articles in Cosmo or whatever to try to give me some hint as to what women like. Okay, some women.

She probably feels like the grown-up and she's married to a man-child. She comes home from a stressful day knowing the house is gonna be a wreck and sure enough, it is. And on top of all that, she has to make dinner. Well, she doesn't have to... Point is, I could take a lot of the burden off her shoulders. We are a team, after all.

I've made it my mission to clean the house top to bottom this week and prepare dinner. Not because I want her to put out more but because I think it would help her relax a lot more.

You're joking, right? My husband and I do some of these things to each other, but neither of us expects that the other would be seriously aroused by such silliness!

Have you tried just asking her what you can do to turn her on?

I have. I'm in a real pissy mood right now so if this comes off as being a dink, I apologize in advance.

That's something, one would think, would have already been done or asked of her. Kinda like computer tech support. You know a lot but not what's wrong with the computer; "Is it plugged in and powered on?"

Even she doesn't know. She doesn't masturbate. Ever.

Well that sucks. It really does sound like she has no real sex drive, and isn't interested in playing along to make you happy. I'm sorry. At this point you options are limited.

1. Continue to suffer, and accept that the near celibacy is scientifically proven to shorten your lifespan.
2. Consider chemical castration, or some other means to decrease your libido. Some antidepressants have this effect, which I suspect is their mechanism of effectiveness for a lot of men. You've mentioned she's been on depo in the past. Does she have any extra laying around?
3. Find a surrogate. Ideally you wife would see how unhappy you are and agree to it knowingly (happens more often than you'd think), or you could go behind her back. There's a big cultural taboo here, but I've literally seen relationships saved this way.
4. Of course there's also suicide or self-destructive behavior. Not going to recommend that one, although I've seen far too many men go that route.

Of course, I can glibly list the solutions, but it doesn't take away from how depressing your current situation is. I'm very sorry. Just know that there's still hope for a solution somewhere.

Or maybe she's just not comfortable talking about it, so she says she doesn't do it.

Wouldn't that fit the definition of many people? Who feels desire 99% time? Not me.

Also desire for someone, and sexual arousal aren't necessarily the same thing.

There are a lot of labels floating about, but they are not that fixed.

I get to have intercourse with her roughly every 4 or 5 months.

"People" generally get it at least once a week.

That seems like a reasonable frequency.

Think you've got to ask yourself these questions, is the relationship worth keeping and just accept the lack of sex
or is it breaking down due to lack of sex? is sex compulsory to you?

has she always been asexual, or lack a sex drive since having a kid?

If sex is a big deal and no amount of hormone testing or lack of sex isn't making you happy then ask yourself, is this marriage worth saving?

whatever you do, never contemplate cheating, if a relationship is breaking down and it can't be saved, then separate before seeking a new relationship and give it time. Also when you meet someone else, make sure you're compatible in that area too.

Sometimes a relationship between an asexual and none asexual doesn't worth as someone is always left unhappy. and dissatisfied. Sex is important to some not for others. Some people even treat it as a deal breaker for a relationship. Love is the most important thing in all this but some people need love and sex , not just the love.

Good luck.

My wife is not a whore.

I love her more than to think of her as a hole I can get off into. She gets me. She's patient and understanding of me. My wife is my best friend and the most loving person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and for you to suggest she's being surreptitiously libidinous appears to me that you're calling her a whore and I don't appreciate it.

You have been reported and I have put you on my "foes" list. Do not reply to this thread. Your thoughts and opinions aren't welcome and will be summarily dismissed without reading any of it. Just be on your way.

Last edited by Grue on 22 Oct 2015, 12:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Moderating.

An unfortunate post sent this thread into a string of personal attacks and related commentary, these have been removed. The preceding comment by Grue was part of that sequence.

Please refrain from personal attacks and inflammatory language in this thread. Please remember that this a support site and a member is asking for support. This is not a suitable place to discuss misogyny in general or other topics minimally related to the topic.

Please consider whether your post may seem like a personal attack or something other than supportive and take care before posting.

Why were my posts removed? They were neither attacks, nor was I off-topic.

Moderating
YippySkippy, please read this carefully:

You might want to consider that, regardless of any intention you may have had, your post was perceived as extremely insulting. Do you think there is some general good to be preserved by keeping it here, despite the distress it caused Grue?

I might have communicated this by PM, but I think you are not alone in misunderstanding the prohibition on purposely causing conflict with other members and there may be some good in making the point explicitly here.

If you want to discuss this further, don't do it in this thread.

Last edited by Adamantium on 23 Oct 2015, 9:30 am, edited 2 times in total.: clarity