Online dating is pointless as a guy

Post Reply New Topic

None of my friends do that.I knew it!

This is another reason to be mad at that doctor who gave me those pills that made me get bad grades!

It's still my fault because I should have realised it was the pills that did it and stop taking them but I didn't!There's only one girl my age in my team and I already asked her out.

I should have become a nurse. Then there'd be lots of girls competing for me. IT is not the best profession for meeting girls.I am thinking about it There's this church youthgroup near me. They do movie nights and games nights. Their age range is 16 to 30. I just have to wait for some suitable young women to join.Tried that. It was very unpleasant. Most of the girls show up with other people. The music is so loud that when I was talking with other people I couldn't hear what they were saying. Also people tease you if you try to read your Kindle there.

After I got over my nervousness it became dull boredom in the midst of extremely loud music. I managed to chat this one girl up but after she sobered up she didn't like me anymore.I was thinking of joining one of those Facebook meetup groups like the under 30s group or the walking group or the restaurant group or the cinema group. All of these things meet my interests.

I think the best bet would be the under 30s group because the walking group is probably filled with middle aged people.

There's a nudist colony a few miles to the North of me and a nude beach a few miles to the South of me. I wonder if I could meet people there? Not that I think nudism is a sexual activity but there may at least be women in my age group there.Aren't you supposed to have a date before you go to the concert? IDK. That's the reason I didn't go to my high school formal (also a complete lack of formal clothing at the time).Because they look at their phones, there's no one for me to talk to so I look at my phone. It's a vicious cycle.Yeah, yet people say to me "Just ask a girl out". Don't they know that you're not supposed to do that to random strangers in public.

I was thinking of about joining a gym because I saw some very fit women through the window when I walked past but on second thoughts I may as well not bother.Really? I'm close to gettingI get that but there are seriously some girls who think if a guy asks her and she's not into him he's done something wrong. Like he's expected to read her mind or predict the outcome or something.

If a guy asks out a girl who's not into him, he's a creep, even though he has no way of knowing whether or not she's into him beforehand.

I don't get why women act like they're doing guys a favour going out with them when I know for a fact that many women do enjoy being in relationships. I also know for a fact that many women enjoy sex.This cold approach thing sounds really scary.

Yeah. I see that it was hypocritical for me to complain about girls with depression when I also have depression.

Yes and no. I got laid due to a dating site. It is true that sex is not the most important component of a relationship. But since we no longer have a relationship, that's all I have left from it.

She was so nice and sweet for the first two months then she went through this cycle of depression that made her really hard to be around and made her dump me. She thought I was no good but couldn't she see it was the depression making things look worse than they are? I didn't realise until it was too late. If a girl doesn't love herself that means she can't love you.

I agree with everything you have said bout approaching, RetroGamer.

I don't check my phone, but when most other people surrounding me are aloof and apathetic to their surroundings, I do end up becoming bored with waiting for any opportunities to socialize with strangers and then just keep to myself and focus on my own things.

The only times I'm out of the house are shopping, which is when I'll just focus on getting what I need and it's typically outside of school hours anyway, and when at the beach with family/friends, which is also where I go off almost completely on my own, except for the occasional time spent with my siblings.

Anyway, I would also love it if approaching women at the gym was considered an acceptable thing to do, but alas, it generally is not.

It sucks, really. How else are you going to meet women interested in health and fitness?

Many sports/physical activity groups tend to either attract higher middle-aged (40+), noobs to health and exercise who've only just joined, or otherwise just casuals of the post-pregnancy mother variety working to lose some weight again.

The only logical place to meet young, sexy and toned women who actually lift some damn weights and not just some casual Zumba once a week, is the gym.

But really, when it comes to wanting a healthy woman, it's unrealistic.

The majority of the population is unfit, out-of-shape and live poor lifestyles. 50% of Aussie adults are overweight or obese.

All I really want, which I believe is, or at least should have been realistic, is a young girl my age who is a healthy weight. But with rising obesity rates, it feels like there's going to be none/not enough thin girls left to go round.

You're thinking of faking religiousness?

I did so when I went to a youth group briefly senior year, but joined in the very last term and didn't have time to make any connections.

I just didn't fit in, either.

Despite being so large and 'diverse', there was still a lot of hidden conformity and social norms, and there were just so many young teens that I felt far too anonymous. I was lucky enough to come across the same people quite a few times though to at least make some acquaintances/have some small talk, and it was actually set-up so we were put into our own 'groups' that essentially stayed the same for the entire time you're there, and my group was quite friendly and polite, especially the two young adult mentor/chaperone types, but again I didn't really fit in, at least not in time to make decent connections.

Nudist colony?

Sounds a little desperate. Don't mean to be harsh, just that it really does sound like you're grasping at straws for absolutely any way to meet women.

I honestly think we all hit this point sometimes.

It's only a matter of time before I do.

It's like an endless cycle.

Self Improve -> Pursue your interests -> Meet women who share said interest -> Suffer rejection -> Fall into deep depression, downward spiral -> Self Improve -> Try Online Dating -> Massive failure rate -> Depression -> Self Improve -> Pursue your interests -> Realize you need to branch out more and try new things you've never done before if you want to meet people -> Meet people who share said new interest -> Suffer rejection -> Quickly lose interest in the new thing, convince yourself you shouldn't have even bothered and your interest in it was a lie/sham, fall into deep depression, give up -> Rinse & Repeat

Sound familiar? Such is life.

I have heard that this is what nightlclubs and bars just tend to be like.

Far too noisy, often rowdy, most people go with friends and keep to themselves and a person going solo is social suicide and makes you look like one of those 'creeps' that's 'on-the-prowl'.

Have you tried 'dive bars'? I've heard they're smaller and quieter.

At this event I was inside a bar with my family while they ordered hot chips to eat outside (yeah, funny enough the bar was letting anyone in, but obviously not serving to minors) and while it was noisy on that one day, I could see it would have been more peaceful when nothing big is going on.

And lol about getting over nervousness simply because you succumb to boredom. I've got to try that out for myself!

You can go to concerts alone. I always thought of it as most socially acceptable with friends rather than a date or solo, though.

"This cold approach thing sounds really scary."

Why? Because us men are made to feel rude, intruding, inconsiderate, demonized and/or a threat to women if we do it, risk being reported for harassment just for saying a simple hello and/or being slapped across the face or kneed in the bongos, risk making her 'uncomfortable' and then getting bashed because she lied about you physically harassing her, prompting every bouncer and beefed up 20 year old bro in the room to gang up on you and beat down your a55, or even just risk being called a creep/rejected rudely/personally insulted?

If so, it's definitely scary.

"Yeah. I see that it was hypocritical for me to complain about girls with depression when I also have depression."

That's not always true.

Maybe my depressions always been mild, but I seriously doubt that.

Either way, no matter how deep it's gotten, I've had the will and determination to prevent myself from a downward spiral.

I feel hopeless and miserable everyday, but I fight on. Depression hasn't made me weak, it's made me strong.

I understand exactly how you feel RG. I remember you said you are also depressed, but still work, live on your own, losing weight and are otherwise working hard to success.

Your girlfriend, however, sounded severely depressed, had no energy, lived with her parents, didn't make a proper effort to lose weight, etc.

I'd love to date another depressed gal who understands me, but they all seem severely depressed. Where's the mildly depressed people at?

It seems either people aren't and don't understand you, or those that are are absolute extremists who don't have the power left to care about their life.

If I date a depressed girl, she has to at least be TRYING to be happy.

EDITED: Trying to be nicer and more considerate.

Last edited by Outrider on 24 Aug 2016, 9:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

Regretful post, can't delete.

Sorry for double post.

Last edited by Outrider on 24 Aug 2016, 9:31 am, edited 2 times in total.

Work's not a good way to meet people imo. Me, and most other women I've talked to agree that it's a bad idea to date or sleep with coworkers, especially men. There's no privacy at work, and if you break up it could make things super awkward or even unpleasant if the other person is constantly around you or is vindictive.

Also you sound super condescending with the self harm thing. I have self harmed. It's a control thing. So is starvation which I've also done when my anxiety was through the roof. Both make you feel in control of at least some aspect of your life when you feel like you aren't in control of anything.

You clearly don't understand these things but feel the need to look down on those who've experienced them. Yikes.

I try to understand, but I don't think I ever will.

My depression has been very deep.

There's been times where I've felt no emotion whatsoever, no soul. Not even anger, nor sadness.

No motivation to actually do anything, an empty zombie of a person.

But I still did it all.

I don't know.

I'm not trying to look down on others, just that I can't personally date someone in that position, because despite more than likely being just as depressed as they have, I've successfully always been gaining momentum in life, or at least maintaining whatever state that I'm in. There was very rarely any times I was going downhill. I simply refused it.

I don't want to date someone who drags me down with them. I've experienced enough negativity in my life to have to go through it again. Negativity is what caused my depression in the first place. Best I avoid it altogether.

Of course, I can help to lift them up, but there's only so much I could do, and some people just seem more difficult to help than others.

My first girlfriend was BPD, severely depressed, self-harmed, aggressive, and suffered a lot of trauma through her life. I'm not a social worker or therapist, there was only so much I could do, and I'd rather not go too far down the rabbit hole and end up with someone who absolutely depends on me.

Interestingly enough, I've fallen into a pattern where the last several girls I've been attracted to have all had 'messed up' lives in some way. I'm talking some pretty hard lives. But it's a path I can't let myself go down - it's a trap.

If you have trouble finding a partner, chances are any good place to find one is well beyond your reach. This serves exactly the purpose of filtering off people like you.

Depression is like a black hole; it drains everything from you and leaves nothing behind. Physical energy, mental energy, motivation, creativity, concentration, self-esteem - everything. All your hobbies become boring. Doing anything productive becomes boring. Eating and drinking becomes boring. Your biological clock goes all to hell.

Yea. You can't just "will" yourself to be happy. If it gets that bad the only things that motivate me to keep your life going are anger and fear. Those are always the last emotions to go. It is not pretty and it's not worth living your entire life this way. It is not fair to experience it in the first place, let alone be blamed for it. I don't blame people who commit suicide. I think sometimes it's not an act of giving up, but an act of last-ditch rage. It's a great big "f**k you" to the world that thinks you owe it your existence.

That would imply women on dating sites are mostly getting in relationships with other women, however considering a lot of women who find relationships on dating site it's reasonable to say for every woman who finds a relationship with a guy a guy finds a relationship with a woman.

It is simply inaccurate to state dating sites are a waste of time for males in general, clearly its not a waste of time for guys women on dating sites get with. I don't see how it is putting someone down to explain why you think their statement is inaccurate.

It is probably a waste of time if they want an insta-girlfriend, or think there is a set amount of time you have to find a girlfriend in or else it means using the site is pointless.

I guess everyone at the gym is just anonymous. Alone amidst the crowd. They go there, do their thing and leave. They don't talk to anyone. They all wear headphones.

It's a shame because for the ancient Greeks going to the gym was very much a social activity. Pity there was only guys there That's the sixty four thousand dollar question!Someone suggested a casual dancing group but I need to find one in my age range (there are lots of dancing groups for retirees).

Dancing is great because you have to associate with people of the opposite sex in some types of dance. Also no headphones.

I'd love it if there was some way I could hang with the ballet dancers because they're skinny and hot but I don't have time for the 20 years of training it would take me to be a professional ballet dancer. Maybe I could be the pianist for them I must disagree here. I don't know what the percentages are but there are a lot of skinny young women. I go into the city on the train and I see lots and lots of skinny young women. There are fat young women too but that doesn't detract from the dozens of skinny women I see walking through the train station.

So the thing that depressed me was that skinny girls are not rare as unicorns. They're relatively common and even if only 50% of them are skinny, that's still a significant fraction of them. This depressed me when I was dating obese girls because I thought "If skinny girls are not rare, why don't I ever get to date one?"

It felt horrible with I was with ex or other ex, both of whom were obese and I could stand in the train station for five minutes and see dozens of skinny girls walk past. Also I'd see young couples, walking hand in hand. Most of the time the girl is skinny. Most of the time the guy is also skinny. This was not a rare event because skinny girls are not rare.

So everyday I'd see these skinny couples and wonder "what has he got that I don't?" "Why did he get a skinny girl and not me?" "That guy looks like a skinny weed, do modern girls prefer skinny guys over muscular guys?" "Just how did they meet anyway?"

No I know that I obsess about weight loss. That's because I'm still slightly overweight. I'm about two BMI points over the recommended. I have a small belly paunch but it's only visible when I'm not wearing a shirt. With a shirt on I'm straight up and down with a flat stomach. Without a shirt it depends on my posture. When I slouch I have the belly pooch. When I stand up straight it goes away. I want it to go away all the time. I guess I think about that a lot because I used to be obese.

So one of the things that depressed me about dating obese girls was that at the time I wasn't also obese. Even if I had a BMI of 27, they'd have a BMI between 35 and 45. I didn't know why I couldn't get a girl in my own league. Maybe the way it works with girls is they always date a guy one league higher than them. Not just for fitness, wealth as well. Poor girls will be happy if you have a job but middle class girls like to date a guy who's a little bit wealthier than they are.

Anyway, since most of my girl watching is done at the train station before 9AM, maybe that's biased. I used to live in a dirt poor neighbourhood, high unemployment. Lots of fat people there. Lots of fit people in Adelaide train station. They pass through in the morning on the way to either Adelaide University, University of South Australia of some 9 to 5 job.

I think it's because ambitious people have a better fitness ethic. Anyone with enough ambition for university and/or a serious job in the city is likely to take care of their health.

Also they better understand the consequences of their actions. In the neighbourhood I grew up in, the unemployment rate was something like 90%. Seriously, there's an 80 space car park at the local train station and there's never more than 3 or 4 cars there from 9 to 5. I know a lot of people there and they usually seem to have the attitude that stuff happens to them beyond their control.

e.g. "I'm poor? That's just my fate." or "I'm fat? That's just the way it is" (I used to be like this). But other people I know take the attitude that they're responsible for the way their life is. e.g. "I'm poor? I'd better get a well paying job" "I'm fat? I'd better eat healthy and exercise before I have a heart attack". I know some well off people who grew up very poor but they no longer live in the neighbourhood I grew up in. Those that remain think the only reason they're poor is that Centrelink don't pay them enough. They say "if only the politicians would increase welfare" but they don't realise that the politicians are all normal human beings who used to be normal kids and normal youths and that means that instead of asking politicians for stuff they could become a politician themselves and then play a role in determine policy themselves. These same people complain about being fat but they continue eating high sugar foods and not exercising (except for the neighbourhood meth-heads, they're really skinny and ugly).

It was like that with ex. She kept complaining that she was fat but she would live on donuts and pastries. Literally. I don't mean that she had that stuff for snacks or for dessert, I mean her idea of a meal was six different pastries and no savouries (regardless of her weight I think she was severely malnourished. She hated vegetables and I think malnutrition was making her depression worse. She said she had no energy. That's a symptom of malnutrition.

Now if I was dating a fat girl who said psychical appearance doesn't matter or something like that, I could accept that. But ex kept on complaining about how fat she was. Yet she acted shocked when I said the same thing. She kept complaining about her weight and saying how disgustingly obese she looked and yet she never changed her diet.

This confused me. I mean, I could understand her eating that way if she liked being obese. But I didn't understand why she kept talking about how she wanted to be skinny yet she never ate healthy. It's like she couldn't take any initiative. I couldn't understand why she kept talking about how she wanted and then acted shocked when I said the same thing. I thought if a girl says she's fat that's permission to agree with her. If a girl says she wants to lose weight that's permission for me to write a diet plan for her.

Why would a girl who's obsessed with her appearance and spends hours doing her hair and makeup eat sugary food when she wants to be skinny? I don't know but I made it worse. Before she was thinking about going on a diet but after I told her that was a good idea, she said she was going to eat even more pastries and donuts just to spite me.

She said "I'm not going to deny myself just for you" but since she already wanted to lose weight before she met me, I thought she should be doing it for herself.

She really confused me. She made me promise not to dump her because she had abandonment issues. Than she dumped me. I don't like being abandoned either. It's like she had no empathy. Everything was about her. Her emotional problems were a big deal but if I had the same emotional problem she'd say "Deal with it".

and even in online dating, sadly, most of the sites out there require you to pay

yeah, I do tire of that attitude. But why let facts and reason get in the way of knee-jerk bitterness?

It's a waste of time if it doesn't suit your needs, or you have unreasonable expectations. It's not a waste of time if you can make it work so it does suit your needs.

I got dates with three women and a relationship with another. For what it was, and for free, I don't know what more I could have expected.

Good summation. I've casually dated and had one relationship from a dating site. Not a waste of time.

Or that there are a lot more men than women actually looking for relationships on dating sites, so, even if every woman gets in a relationship with a man, those men still make a tiny fraction of the total number of men seeking relationships there. This means each individual man has to be either among the very best or incredibly lucky to get into a relationship.

By the way, I wouldn’t be comfortable getting a girlfriend by sheer luck, as it’d just mean I somehow managed to fool her into believing I’m much more interesting as a partner than I really am. I’d intend my girlfriend to be someone to share the rest of my life and have ultimate mutual trust with, so deceiving her, even if I could, would defeat the whole point.

By the way, I wouldn’t be surprised if a few women joined those sites only for teh lulz, to make fun of desperate men. It’s hard to imagine a better place to get an instant ego boost simply for being female. Needless to say, these women shouldn’t be counted as women looking for a relationship online, even though the site will surely make no attempt to exclude them when boasting its number of female users.

Last edited by Spiderpig on 24 Aug 2016, 8:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.