Not feeling (romantically) - is that an AS thing?

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I agree labeling is no good if the psychological mechanisms aren't understood behind the labels. That's why a poster here equated alexithymia with psychopathy, quite unfortunately.

I think it does help more to understand the underlying mechanisms instead. You seem to be perceptive enough about that.




Actually, and this is just my suggestion, he'd be better off if he (slowly) learned to be a bit more comfortable about emotions. I am in that process myself. With the thing I have that looks like alexithymia with low awareness of feelings and them being pretty diffuse a lot of the time etc, it's hard, it took me long months to be able to name the first emotional state that I noticed. I had no help either, so that didn't make the process faster for sure. Anyway, after a while (a year or so?), I got faster at noticing and labeling (in idiosyncratic ways lol) quite some feeling states. Then at one point (after way more than a year... but at one point the process suddenly sped up a bit) I was able to try and link these recognized feelings to situations I was having problems with, including situations that also consist of other people's feelings and perspectives (this is very recent and I've had help, input from other people here, or this part would take forever!). This is all complicated, and I'm not at the end of the process for sure.




If he has the intention of improving here... then just give him time, lots of time. You can keep expressing your feelings and maybe he'll get into it a bit more over time. I don't know. I'd say the "thank you" is way more than nothing, though. He could've chosen to just ignore you. I think thanking you is his default way of showing appreciation if I had to make a guess.

Last edited by itsme82 on 07 Apr 2017, 6:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Okay so I'm still trying to get how on earth someone can equate alexithymia with psychopathy.

Let me be very clear - if your friend cuts people off purely for pragmatic reasons without having any moral principles then that can be sociopathy/psychopathy. But that aspect of him is *not* alexithymia.

Alexithymia is about difficulty in seeing, recognizing and identifying feelings and difficulty in dealing with their inner emotional life, instead their consciousness focuses on the literal, external side of things.

From this it does not follow in any way whatsoever that the person will have no moral principles. They may have such principles or they may not. That is independent of having this disorder.


Like you said earlier:



This is another post of yours that shows you are not aware of how there is such a thing as caring out of "unfeeling" obligation and not simply because the person wants to get something out of the relationship, not any more than what a "touchy-feely" NT wants to get out of it.

What I call "unfeeling" obligation actually has a feeling side to it but the person is not aware of that side, only aware of the externally defined obligation.

I hope this helps.


And then, another very important thing you are unaware of currently:



No, alexithymics are actually capable of being depressed. It is reported in literature on alexithymia that they have definitely been depressed.

Yes, it might be that they are not very aware of what's going on. For me it also took very long (years!! !) to be able to name the depressive low mood. Once I recognized it, I was able to address it much better. (Well, work in progress, but I definitely started on it which is way more than what I did to address it before that.)

So, lack of awareness of feelings actually can hinder the person very much. Like, failing to address issues that feelings would otherwise readily point to. Do you understand what I'm talking about here?

Also, missing out on fully living that side of life and meeting emotional needs is another drawback. People, including alexithymiacs do have the same basic needs about these, even if there are individual differences in how much each one is needed. (Sure, psychopaths may not have some of these needs at all, due to the type of neurological differences they have.)

Trauma is also still possible for an alexithymic or otherwise "unfeeling" person and again the same caveats apply as with depression.

OK well, again I hope this was clear enough...

So all in all, please stop assuming things about people with alexithymia.

Oh this post was also a post I wanted to respond to earlier. So, what I said before about how I have the intellectual interest by default only with an inability to fall in love is like this yes. Definitely familiar with that intellectual turn-on you are describing.

But, it's not this entirely black and white, I think.

So, firstly, there may be more factors here. I believe there is such a thing as emotional compatibility which can also cause the issues between the "touchy-feely" NT and the alexithymic person.

It could also be a complete inability from the side of the alexithymic person to respond in any way to the person with the strong feelings, regardless of any such compatibility existing or not, yes.

I don't know how you'd differentiate here, it's just a note. I don't know which one is the case here.

And finally, you say "So with someone who is alexithymic, it sounds like the other person would have to have a trigger that will interest their logical side."

Yes, there absolutely has to be such a trigger. But, how I always "imagined" it (I didn't often think of this consciously), is, somehow falling in love with feelings too. I haven't experienced that fully just yet, nope... hence my thread, too. But I'm not against the idea. It's not true that I just want the logical side in a relationship.

Also it's not like I can only be interested in "unfeeling" people, or in alexithymics, AS people, or whatever. It happened before that a person who had the feeling side more made me interested intellectually (they were smart in the right way, yeah) but then it didn't work for other reasons.

Thank you for your input here ITsme I find it very useful . . .

Np, glad to help. Any questions, feel free to ask!

Of course. Depression is very common in AS, so it has to be in alexithymia too if it is linked to AS, which seems probable.

About depression, I actually had no idea what that was up to maybe 10 years ago. I still find it hard to distinguish from general inactivity, but, generally, I don't think I've ever had any serious depression.



Definitely. I also think that some people that call themselves "empaths", are not "touchy-feely" NTs, but NDs. Which seems highly inconsistent. However, these empaths often are highly gifted spiritual people that can sense emotions spiritually, and they really cannot get along with the typical NT either.

Any person who equates alexithymia with psychopathy is engaging in black-and-white thinking.

Alexithymia is not the ABSENCE of the ability to feel. Rather, it is DIFFICULTY in DETERMINING and identifying feelings.

Just like, in autism there is, frequently, DIFFICULTY in socializing, rather than an absolute INABILITY to socialize.

Definitely. I also think that some people that call themselves "empaths", are not "touchy-feely" NTs, but NDs. Which seems highly inconsistent. However, these empaths often are highly gifted spiritual people that can sense emotions spiritually, and they really cannot get along with the typical NT either.


I agree with this and was thinking about it today as I was driving along. People see me as vivacious, outgoing, very sociable with many friends. The truth is finding people who really get me is a very difficult thing to achieve. I definitely over empathise and get to the point where I have to completely withdraw as I get completely overwhelmed. I often feel lonely in a crowd and am aware I am very good at the social stuff . . .will often be thought of as the life and soul of a party but in reality I don't recognise that person. . . I much prefer one to one interaction and am often told I am too intense.

My Aspie person is so special to me because he is one of the very few people who replenishes my energy after spending time with him. Other people generally drain me. He also has a unique ability to make me feel safe . . .. I think it is something to do with his very consistent focussed energy. We hadn't known each other very long before I felt that he just "got me" . .. he has made some very insightful comments that often take me by surprise given the supposed mind blindness of autistic spectrum.

So my willingness to keep on working to make this friendship work is not entirely altruistic . . .. . .as he says "we help each other in different ways"

But he does still drive me around the bend from time to time. Although I'm sure he would say the exact same thing about me . .. . . .

rdos: Yeah, that makes sense about the "touchy-feely" NDs.

That sounds good.

Btw what's that very consistent focused energy like, is that just him being reliable and consistent with his actions?

It's something I feel rather than a rational thing . . .. . But yes he is very consistent. There is a gentleness, and a lack of sexuality also I think which is refreshing. Yes I am sitting here musing where the safety thing comes from . . .. I think his core energy feels very stable. This all probably sounds very NT touchy feely but I am struggling to articulate sorry.

Consistent focused energy . . .. . Is very stable. Some people's energy is flying from one thing to the next. Always looking to the next thing. My friend is very fixed in the present . . .. I like that, what is happening in the here and now, always seems to be the most important thing. I guess it does also add to me feeling forgotten during the times we don't see each other and he is busy with other things but as someone to spend time with I find it very relaxing.

Ah gotcha. I can imagine this, I think. Since I actually relate to being fixed in the present like that.

I can identify with that too. I'm not the life of a party, but I'm pretty good with the social stuff. Since a long time ago, I'm mostly interested in NDs, and with those, I typically connect naturally.



I have a connection like that with a neurodiverse woman. We can communicate spiritually without even seeing each others in real life. That's a very new experience for me and one that I never thought would be possible. Still, it actually works, and it can explain why I connect so easily with a few people.

Also, when I was younger, I did a lot of potentially dangerous stuff, but I never got in any real trouble. I think I now can attribute that to my ability to sense danger at a much larger distance than typical NTs can. In fact, I can sit by myself, look at the ground, and sense the emotions of people around me, and especially the negative ones. I never even knew about NTs facial expressions until maybe 10 years ago, when I started to observe them, so I'm sure I never got any emotional information that way. Which should have made me an easy target for abuse, but it didn't.



That makes sense.

Yes, the safety thing is interesting. I wonder the same about my neurodiverse connection. She did some things that would be potentially dangerous for a girl to do with a stranger. I suppose she did that because she felt I was safe.

I can certain;y relate to your description, I live this all the time. I'm fixed in the present with an eye on the future, using lessons from the past though not reliving past experiences.