Long friendship with Aspie . . . I give up

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Trogluddite
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20 Nov 2017, 1:52 pm

imhere wrote:

Oh please don't misunderstand me

No worries, l certainly wasn't offended at all, and I appreciate your speaking so openly about it. The phrase encapsulated an idea that I guess I'm a little touchy about - that there is somehow a "real me" curled up inside that will emerge like a butterfly from my cocoon one day.

imhere wrote:

if he didn't have such trouble communicating, maybe he wouldn't be so uncomfortable. And I feel like I will never know if the issue is that discomfort

Yes, I see now, that is well put.

Have to go get some chores done now, but this thread has really set me thinking about some of my own friendships that failed in the past for reasons that I never understood. I'll keep that last thought in mind and maybe return if inspiration comes to me in the bath!

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hurtloam
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20 Nov 2017, 2:08 pm

imhere wrote:

I'm going to have to agree with hurtloam in that. I don't really know her story but if she believed that some guy was into her, I'd believe he was, because I am pretty darn sure my aspie friend cared about me too. Then he just didn't one day. The question becomes why did they all if a sudden seem to change their minds? Did they not feel it anymore or did they still feel something but run away out of fear? I, for one, will probably never know the real truth.

Oh I know why some guys have changed their minds with me. I get stressed and I do weird things

There's the one I accidentally stood up for example. Different guy. I heard later that he was really into me and talked about me all the time. I didn't have transport that day and couldn't meet up and asked a friend to pass on a message.

Yeah. I tend to misunderstand situations and mess up. Then because of all my mistakes I get more stressed about doing the wrong thing and mess up more because the stress makes me go weird.

I'm doomed lol.

Anyway I get that explanation about an aspies thinking other's will just know they care. But really my friends. You have got to tell the other person. They don't just know... yes I am a hypocrite. I don't follow this advice. But that's because i think they do know, but i convince myself they don't care and I don't want to humiliate myself by making it too obvious. I think my caring is unwanted

underwater
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20 Nov 2017, 2:08 pm

imhere wrote:

Also, he acted like he wanted to be close - - he always acted that way FIRST, but when I responded in kind, he not only backed off, but he lashed out on top of it. Example : he asked me for my number then he started texting me. On day, in the middle of a long text conversation which HE initiated, he just stopped the conversation and said it was inappropriate for us to be texting and got really mean. I have no idea why. There didnt seem to be anything about the conversation that could have been offensive, it didn't match up. He started pulling me close then pushing me away like that. The more I tried to talk to him about it, the more he pushed. One day I felt I had a close friend for life, the next day I felt like a piece of worthless trash. Back and forth.

This kind back and forth behavior is known in psychology to cause unhealthy attachment. People are generally advised to stay away from someone who treats them like that, because trying to understand just causes more unhealthy attachment - the other person is not likely to give you a decent explanation for his behavior.

You can't really go to an autism forum and ask for help with stuff like this, because I don't believe the behavior is caused by autism. Plenty of NTs behave like this, just slightly differently.

The question is really why you waste years of your life on this, when you could go out there and meet someone who is actually capable of fulfilling your needs. I'm not saying it's easy to pull away, but rather difficult and necessary.

How old are you ladies? It's kinda ok to go through this when you're young and inexperienced, but at some point you need to figure out how you're going to make yourselves happy.

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imhere
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20 Nov 2017, 2:20 pm

I did not deal with the back and forth for years, that was something that he started doing out of the blue after what I thought was a close working relationship for years that was starting to grow more personal. It's the confusion over why he behaved this way all of a sudden that is at issue. I want my friend back. And just saying, I'm not young. Lol. He is younger than me though.

The_Face_of_Boo
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20 Nov 2017, 2:26 pm

imhere wrote:

It's possible that your guy was interested then lost interest at some point, or maybe he was never really interested in that way or not interested enough at least. You can't be 100% sure unless he explicitly tells you that he likes you in a romantic way (or you tell him and admits back...etc), otherwise it's all speculation, not matter how convincing his behavior may have sounded to you.

Smiling from afar, being extra nice to you, talking to you, staring at you....they are all no guarantee that he loves you; (unless he initiates texting or even calls you all the time even after midnight then yeah, those are the strongest signs usually).

But these confusions happen all the time with people during courting, it's not just a AS thing. It's cross-neurodiversity and cross cultural, it's totally a universal thing - and 90% of the romance struggles are from such things.

hobojungle
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20 Nov 2017, 2:36 pm

underwater wrote:

This kind back and forth behavior is known in psychology to cause unhealthy attachment.

Agree. Intermittent reinforcement creates powerful emotional bonds resistant to change. It is stronger for people who grew up that way because it is “normal”. The longer a relationship continues, the more difficult it is to leave. To escape the passivity of victimhood, one must take responsibility for their own desires & actions. It could be that each partner stirs up unconscious unresolved issues in the other. Perhaps take a look inside with tools like meditation & journaling. Good luck on your journey.

underwater
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20 Nov 2017, 3:00 pm

imhere wrote:

I think you'd need a time machine for that. A barrier was broken, and he started trying to reestablish barriers. That is what this looks like from your text.

But I remember both you ladies from earlier exchanges. You've been talking about this for a while.

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Anngables
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20 Nov 2017, 3:07 pm

All relationships cause angst . . .. . . Just those with folk on the spectrum cause a special type of angst. I think sometimes you are mixing me up with imhere who has been hurt badly by her friend.

My friendship although difficult and at times confusing is not unhealthy. . . . . .

Anngables
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20 Nov 2017, 3:10 pm

Yep and keep talking about it in an attempt to understand and be a good friend. Not to make judgements based on his Asperger. Here is the best place for me to explore this. I have moments of deep frustration which are when I come here for advice . . . But 2 and a half years of a close friendship is not something I’m wishing to throw away on a whim so I seek help from you guys. And it does help cos I’m still here . . . .

The_Face_of_Boo
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20 Nov 2017, 3:11 pm

Anngables wrote:

Just had a message to say cd ordered . . . . . .spooky . . . . .unless . . . . .. . . . .one of you guys?.?

It's my sex tape.

Anngables
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20 Nov 2017, 3:15 pm

Interesting. Sex on a cd. . . . .will await with interest

The_Face_of_Boo
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20 Nov 2017, 3:27 pm

Anngables wrote:

Interesting. Sex on a cd. . . . .will await with interest

It's actually a blue ray disk, 4K resolution with 3D support.

You would feel you're into....

Nevermind.

Anngables
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20 Nov 2017, 3:29 pm

But I was told it was a cd . . . . .yours must be going somewhere else. I hope they enjoy. It sounds . . .. . . Interesting

karathraceandherspecialdestiny
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20 Nov 2017, 3:31 pm

Anngables wrote:

But I was told it was a cd . . . . .yours must be going somewhere else. I hope they enjoy. It sounds . . .. . . Interesting

He's just messing with you and being inappropriately sexual in a non-sexual conversation. But I'm the troll here. :roll:

underwater
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20 Nov 2017, 3:33 pm

karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:

Anngables wrote:

But I was told it was a cd . . . . .yours must be going somewhere else. I hope they enjoy. It sounds . . .. . . Interesting

He's just messing with you and being inappropriately sexual in a non-sexual conversation. But I'm the troll here. :roll:

She's messing with him too. Relax.

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Anngables
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20 Nov 2017, 3:34 pm

Everyone’s messing :-D

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