What’s the likelihood?

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I will . . . .i have . . . .. . My only reason for having hung in so long with this friend was despite finding it difficult, and me intense and smothering, it was he that was ADAMANT many times that he didn’t want to lose the friendship. Insisting we could find a way forward.

But now it seems we have both given up .

Anngables, good job taking my previous logical post, and slapping it down with some bitchin' logic of your own. I still have the palm marks upside my head from the slap down.

Before I say anything, I feel like this forum needs NTs like you around. I'm confident others might view this opinion as controversial or with anger, but I'll express it nonetheless. Autistics could use the advice of other autistics, but the opinion of NTs like yourself is also invaluable. To be honest, I'm afraid that when you completely give up focusing on this friend, you'll just leave this forum like so many others.

That being said, I still think that's the healthiest thing for you. Why look back and analyze this friendship focusing on what you may or may not have done wrong? It sounds like you did your best, and put in every effort. When you thought you were "smothering" him, you backed off. When you backed off and he didn't respond, you tried to play that fine line between continuing communication while attempting to not smother him.

Maybe he's going through some depression or periods of high anxiety. While it's not right, many autistics will try to weather these challenges on their own. One of the issues when an autistic goes through this type of challenge is they have little energy to handle relationships. They may desire relationships, but push people away because they don't have the energy to handle communication.

In other words, maybe there was nothing you could have done differently. I don't see any point in beating yourself up. It always seemed to me like you are a good and kind-hearted person. Maybe you could honor your friend by contributing to giving advice on this forum (blatant attempt to manipulate you into staying on forum while also giving advice I fear will make you leave this forum).

Well believe it or not, I like you guys despite what feels like a rough time sometimes. . . . So possibly I will pop in occasionally. . . . I worry about my friend and our communication because I try to understand how difficult it was for him too, but I also have to accept that at times a friendship just ends

Really not beating myself up , just interested in making sure I have heard the other side of the story. All my friends say “it’s his loss” “he didn’t treat you well “ “ no idea why you bothered with him” . . . .. . . .. .i know however that he is a nice guy.

And I didn’t mean to be harsh . . . I just find it difficult that so many people here act as if an NT is weird or obsessed if we put the time and effort in to really understand from your point of view. . . .yet often complain that NTs are not willing to give them a chance or understand them . . .. .

I hope one day my friend and I will resolve at least to the point where there is not awkwardness if we meet.

I can't help but think you like this man "more than just friends." It's just a feeling I have. It might not be sexual--but I am almost certain there's "something there" more than friendship.

Unless I was romantically involved with somebody, I probably wouldn't like it if somebody told me I had "obligations" when it comes to friendship. I'd probably just ignore the person, and do my own thing. I would find a person who is trying to "change" me overbearing. And somebody with a lot of "chutzpah."

Kraftie in the past you have told me you are sure this man is in love with me, that he wouldn’t give me flowers, arrange birthday treats etc etc unless he was in love. So with all respect I’m getting confused by your change of view.

We were friends, very good friends (his words) .. . . Yes I pissed him off with some expectations of reciprocation that I really don’t think were excessive, expecting a thank you after helping him with travel arrangements, and giving him something very precious to me. Making contact occasionally especially when 2 weeks had gone by without him contacting regarding arrangements . . .. he had promised he would. . . .

He changed the rules of our friendship constantly. I’m certain he was fed up and bored of me, but when I tried to discuss he was always adamant that wasn’t the case. It is confusing when someone changes from contacting you every day, to a complete lack of communication, I questioned that change, and broke the friendship as a result.

But it is ok.

I certainly wouldn't say its all on you, I mean I have aspergers and I would find it pretty frustrating if someone was giving mixed messages like that. Or saying they'd contact me within a certain amount of time only to forget or just not do it. I mean maybe just had too much on his plate to keep up as frequent of communication...but I don't see why he couldn't have told you that. Just kind of seems like he was sort of expecting you to read his mind, and then being upset with you for not being able to which that's not really fair.

It could be that he was overwhelmed, he had a very hectic full on week. However.. . . . I felt like he was taking me more and more for granted. . . .. . If he wants me in his life he would need to put me there. (But it has been a month with no contact now) Until then I am fine with other people,and have just had a fun couple of hours creating a piece of artwork. . . ..

Honestly in social terms a month isn't that long for some of us. You could say we live in geologic time.

True . . . .. . Anyway . . . . .. over to him. In the meantime I’m listening to Nordic mythology here whilst painting . . . . I was also thinking . . . Do you think that the type of NTs that are interested in understanding and adapting to the Aspie needs, are in fact the exactly wrong times. I am hugely emotional, sensitive and caring. This means that I am willing to keep trying. To keep trying to understand and empathise . . . .and this often can be perceived as being too intense and smothering. . . . .. for all my closest friends I would drive hundred of miles if they needed help. I always buy gifts just because I think they will like them, and if they are upset or hurt I will,do whatever,I can to make them feel better. I am also I am told a lot,of fun . . . But I do wonder if my natural nature is just a problem in a friendship with an Aspie (he has the only friend I have encountered such problems with)

That's precisely what I've been saying. He might have feelings for you--of love. It's just that he's not very good at expressing it. He gets befuddled by it. It confuses him. Hence, his behavior. I'm not making excuses for him. I'm just trying to understand why he's rather cold at times.

And you might have feelings for him--almost certainly of a nature that is "more than just friends." All this is very frustrating for you. I can sense your frustration.

I haven't "changed my tune." My impression remains the same as it always was.

Ok I apologise . . . .. strong friendship is what I feel. And with that comes loyalty and a willingness to compromise and understand . . . .. but I have a point which is now . . .. where I can do no more. I feel anything I do makes the situation worse anyway. . . . .. so the friendship,is either completely finished, or it is in his domain to make things better.

What he feels for me appears to be changeable

First of all, I wish I had a real life friend like you. Somebody who’d accept my autism and still want to be in company with me and spend time with me. Somebody who’d try to adapt to my needs while I tried to adapt to theirs. I wouldn’t take that person for granted. I wouldn’t suddenly end the relationship. And I mean that. I know I’m not “just saying that”.

If you’ll read what I said above, which was said while I’m close to tears (I’m really stressed about other stuff, so not your fault), I hope you might understand something important. Each of us autistics has a different personality. I’m a fiercely loyal friend who’d be afraid of losing a friendship and having difficulty knowing how to maintain that friendship. Your friend is different in the sense that he had a friendship with you but then decided to end it for whatever reason.

You can’t group us together based on a diagnosis. We can have significant differences. I hate Star Trek, and I hate Dr. Who, and even though I’m really good with computers, I hate working I.T. Another autistic will love those things.

Try to see us as unique individuals. Heck, I was going to say, “We don’t bite”, but maybe some of us do. Kraftie is the Wolfman after all..

I only take Human Bites, though

Hi Aspiedad . . . .firstly sorry you are having a tough time. Hope things are a little easier today.
Secondly yes I understand. . . .. and I hope I usually do see everybody as an individual. My comment was a generalisation of course, but it was just a generalised thought I had about the groups of individuals named aspies and NTs, and how we can best understand each other.

Also remember there are 2 sides to every story. If you heard my friends side, I am sure he would feel that he had tried really hard to maintain this friendship. (And he certainly did at times) it may be that something was happening for him and me, making a point about his lack of communication was the final straw.

I can’t speak for him, but I don’t think he has heartlessly thrown me aside. I just think he can’t cope with close relationships. I’m not just basing this on our friendship but on also seeing him with other people he considers he is “close” to.

Any of that make sense. I’m not sure I am explaining myself very well

Sorry for the long time to reply. I had to finish up with school and do a ton of housework (still have more housework and to study for my boards).

I think perhaps what you last said makes the most sense. Your friend may just have trouble with close relationships. That’s not an autistic thing or exclusive to NTs either. That’s just something some people have trouble with regardless of their brain function/level.

I don’t think the question you should be focusing on is the why. I think you should be focusing on the “what now”?

Yep . . . .. . I am moving on . . . .. . I even felt. A little cros with my friend recently about how he has treated me. My friends tell me this is a good thing and appropriate . . . ..

However today we bumped into each other unexpectedly. It was a little awkward, but I didn’t approach him just smiled and carried on with what I needed to do. He came over, and asked if I would like drink and asked how I was. I declined the drink but we had a nice chat. . . .so I am glad we can at least be friendly. . . .. .