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karathraceandherspecialdestiny
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06 Feb 2019, 5:31 pm

cberg wrote:
To be honest I'm not sure I ever thought about that. I always assumed it's going to take some effort to introduce anyone to what I do for fun. I'm not sure where to start but I like that idea.

I also know I need to be better about candid discussions than I am now. I need to redress that with people I already know.


If you made an effort to be a little more direct in your style of communication with people, I have a feeling people would respond more positively to you because they would have a better sense of where you're coming from.

I personally enjoy playing with language/word games and sometimes use formal or unusual language, but I try to limit that somewhat unless I'm talking to someone who knows that about me and is comfortable with the way I use language, because it puts some people off. I'm not being less myself by slightly changing the way I use language around people I don't know as well or who are less accepting of differences, I'm just keeping to myself and saving what I consider my fun qualities for people who appreciate those things about me.

Sometimes you have to make little adjustments like that to prevent pushing people away, it's just part of socializing because we are all different so we have to always be making little compromises to communicate and interact with people. We're not equally compatible with everyone we interact with because we're all individual, so with most people you have to make these little adjustments and compromises to smooth things over socially.

You're not faking a personality or being "inauthentic" or anything like that by making these small compromises, you're just making the necessary effort to smooth socialization. That's just how human interaction works most of the time, you have to work a bit to meet people in the middle.

EDIT: for spelling.



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06 Feb 2019, 6:39 pm

Amity wrote:
cberg wrote:
Amity wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Amity wrote:
This is why I keep saying that WP needs a section for men, to discuss man things in the context of a mens forum...

Cberg this low will pass eventually, til then based on your online disposition i think you do have the strength to ride out this wave, like you have before... are you doing any meditation lately?


I don't think this is the real issue.

What is the real issue, what context am i missing?


For what I make some effort to meditate on more or less everything. I'm not so very disciplined about it but I'm also very pensive.

I agree that this isn't the real issue, we have a sexist zeitgeist going on thanks to advertising & social media convincing people that a guy, in & of himself, is worthless unless deemed otherwise according to the latest rules imposed by pop culture. More than being sorry for myself, I'm very worried about the effects of this on my female friends. Silicon valley is a deeply misogynistic, callous, greedy & materialistic system of dividing people by demographic. That's all it does.

If we had a dedicated men's section I think many women would probably block us all. That's just the way ASD usually goes. I no longer really care about my love life because, as someone so keenly pointed out, it's a proverbial dead horse. If someone directly tells me otherwise, I'd only believe them if we were already friends. I don't really jump into anything unless gravity is helping me out.

In short I can love someone but sitcoms & Facebook already told everyone I ever met that I'm rubbish in romantic terms. Everyone's trying to replace their friends with cooler ones because the grass is always greener elsewhere.


Then you havnt met the right people, yet.

We are rare individuals and for relationships we need a partner that is just as rare, not just anyone will do, their personality and disposition must be a good fit or else we will have wasted precious social energy. I say this based on personal experience unfortunately.

Also cognitive dissonance is needed in your situation, doubt the messages that attack your true self, feed this self belief by working on the areas that need improvement. We all need to grow and evolve, like it or not, its needed for survival.
Get to a point where you think 'screw the societal messages saying that you are flawed or lesser', you can know that two perspectives are simultaniously true, it just depends on which perspective you value more.


Or the right person doesn’t exist and like millions of others we are doomed to be alone forever



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06 Feb 2019, 6:43 pm

Or the right person does exist----and you will be proven to be incorrect.



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06 Feb 2019, 7:54 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
cberg wrote:
I think single guys with ASD are being treated like defective merchandise.
:(

I'm sorry you feel that way.
If I may pipe in as a woman, I'd love to meet or date a single man with ASD who is my age. Unfortunately, every interesting "ASD type" guy I've met is married, gay, in a relationship (or combinations thereof), or considerably younger than myself. I used to be a fairly active person, I went to Uni and had a gainful career for many years, but I never met single ASD guys.

ASD men certainly aren't defective merchandise in the eyes of ASD women (or gay ASD guys, I'd presume).



Honestly
ASD people can make great partners it is the world who doesn’t realize they are missing out
ASD men (like my little brother who had hidden his diagnosis frm us that he received frm the school psychologist) are caring and interesting.
They are not out there to manipulate and ruin your life
They prefer honesty and simplicity
If women realized this they would flock to them


I know 2 of my brothers have ASD one is diagnosed one isn’t but he is actually more obviously ASd he just refuses to get diagnosed as it is costly
They are both good people and also would make great husbands

They shd make many many movies with big Hollywood names,
showcasing ASD men n women in positive n appealing light as I think that wd make everyone realize the treasure that such ppl are.

I hope u feel better soon. I didn’t realize u were sad as u come across as a very even tempered n calm person . I guess you just were keeping it restrained


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karathraceandherspecialdestiny
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06 Feb 2019, 8:27 pm

blooiejagwa wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
cberg wrote:
I think single guys with ASD are being treated like defective merchandise.
:(

I'm sorry you feel that way.
If I may pipe in as a woman, I'd love to meet or date a single man with ASD who is my age. Unfortunately, every interesting "ASD type" guy I've met is married, gay, in a relationship (or combinations thereof), or considerably younger than myself. I used to be a fairly active person, I went to Uni and had a gainful career for many years, but I never met single ASD guys.

ASD men certainly aren't defective merchandise in the eyes of ASD women (or gay ASD guys, I'd presume).



Honestly
ASD people can make great partners it is the world who doesn’t realize they are missing out
ASD men (like my little brother who had hidden his diagnosis frm us that he received frm the school psychologist) are caring and interesting.
They are not out there to manipulate and ruin your life
They prefer honesty and simplicity
If women realized this they would flock to them


I know 2 of my brothers have ASD one is diagnosed one isn’t but he is actually more obviously ASd he just refuses to get diagnosed as it is costly
They are both good people and also would make great husbands

They shd make many many movies with big Hollywood names,
showcasing ASD men n women in positive n appealing light as I think that wd make everyone realize the treasure that such ppl are.

I hope u feel better soon. I didn’t realize u were sad as u come across as a very even tempered n calm person . I guess you just were keeping it restrained


You're so right here. I think ASD people can make great partners, especially to each other because we can understand each other a little easier than we can understand neurotypical people. The trouble is that we are such a small minority in our relative communities, finding compatible people IRL is a bit more of a slog statistically speaking. We are rarer so we have to look harder for each other. That's been my experience anyway, that I tend to "click" or connect with people much more rarely than those around me, and the people I tend to click with are usually--for lack of a better term--spectrumy. Not always, but more often than not I would say in hindsight the people I tend to connect with are different in some way that makes them rare.

I believe that's at least a component of the social issues many of us have--how comparatively small our community is. I don't want to be simplistic and say it's all about odds, but I think that is a part of it.



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07 Feb 2019, 9:55 am

I'd rather not have to appreciate that in hindsight. :oops:

I wonder if anyone in my life knows that I noticed my own tendencies in them.


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07 Feb 2019, 12:46 pm

Quote:
They shd make many many movies with big Hollywood names,
showcasing ASD men n women in positive n appealing light as I think that wd make everyone realize the treasure that such ppl are.


I'm moderately afraid of this even if I want to see it happen too. Everything about me is camera ahy even if it's portrayed by someone who's not. I hope people in my life are thinking about these themes but I don't know if more people will present ASD as a disability or just weirdness.


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07 Feb 2019, 1:01 pm

cberg wrote:
Quote:
They shd make many many movies with big Hollywood names,
showcasing ASD men n women in positive n appealing light as I think that wd make everyone realize the treasure that such ppl are.


I'm moderately afraid of this even if I want to see it happen too. Everything about me is camera ahy even if it's portrayed by someone who's not. I hope people in my life are thinking about these themes but I don't know if more people will present ASD as a disability or just weirdness.


Sorry I don’t quite understand what u said there. Do u mean you are afraid of undue or unwanted attention? Or u are afraid of inaccurate n bad portrayals?

Ohhh or are u afraid that ppl will see those portrayals in movies n expect AlL ASD people to follow that pattern n have that personality ?? Like a stock character n stereotype that keeps repeating out of sheer laziness n unoriginality?


Like the ‘requisite funny black man’ character

except now it will be the ‘requisite quirky ASD person’ character?


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07 Feb 2019, 1:19 pm

Sorry about my typos, I guess my answer to that is all of the above. I want to be represented but I'm not sure anyone's prepared to do that. I live in multiple cultures that are distinct from what anyone might actually want to watch.

I'm not sure broadcasting technology is the solution to being stereotyped as an accessory to technology. Being a geek is socially exhausting.

Just having ASD is not the same thing to me as what I do & who I am because of it. There's nothing but stigma to deal with socially as a hacker, even though I'm the basically harmless scientific kind.


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07 Feb 2019, 2:05 pm

Magna wrote:
What I was trying to find out in asking questions is whether or not you're actively doing things to try to meet women and being unsuccessful over and over.

It holds true for anything from romance, to desiring gainful employment, a better job, a better place to live, weight loss, better health, education, proficiency in something, etc.

Velleity: a wish or inclination not strong enough to lead to action.

I've been guilty of velleity myself.

For any of us, if we lament a seemingly perpetual predicament but don't try to change, others view the behavior as whining.


I think it's a good idea to try to change something anyway, but I can still see what you mean.



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07 Feb 2019, 2:07 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Stardust Parade wrote:
Here's a thought: perhaps people are tired of you posting about the same stuff all the time. You know, like complaining about women not wanting to date you? All you're doing is beating a dead horse.


You are probably confusing him with another member because I don’t remember this pattern in cberg, his threads were more about this person he cares about.

But it’s probably another sexist assumption you made, there was this Hollywood_guy who said something very true once, I forgot the exact wording but he said: Whenever a guy complains about love, is quickly judged as a whiner and entitled.

Also I wanna say to you and to ALL those who are bothered by the constant complaining of these guys: You can simply skip their threads. Simple.


That would be attributed to me, whatever exact post that was I had written.



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07 Feb 2019, 2:11 pm

Hollywood_Guy wrote:
Magna wrote:
What I was trying to find out in asking questions is whether or not you're actively doing things to try to meet women and being unsuccessful over and over.

It holds true for anything from romance, to desiring gainful employment, a better job, a better place to live, weight loss, better health, education, proficiency in something, etc.

Velleity: a wish or inclination not strong enough to lead to action.

I've been guilty of velleity myself.

For any of us, if we lament a seemingly perpetual predicament but don't try to change, others view the behavior as whining.


I think it's a good idea to try to change something anyway, but I can still see what you mean.


I don't really do all that much lamentation. When I'm actually around people I'm happy to be there & that's that. Feeling excluded however is another issue.


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07 Feb 2019, 2:45 pm

cberg wrote:
Well on top of being geeky I'm also just bonkers. I'm a serious adrenaline junkie who's more at home flying down a glacier at highway speeds than basically anywhere else.

I'm abnormal by any standards. I try to be generous & outgoing only because I'm trying to find out what if anything people actually enjoy about my thoughts. Being unambiguously nice these days is immediately seen as deceitful anyway. Either that's a bad habit of mine or the cycles of karma are quite badly broken.


Maybe try and find adrenaline activities that has a decent amount of girls attending. You may never know. ;)

But I know what your feeling. Aspies and other neurodiverse are supposed to have at least as much empathy as NTs, but it sucks that some ND or aspie women overlook their men and go for a more socioeconomically successful man anyway. It's throwing the already-rejected group under the bus or like "selling-out".

I wish I was born before the 1960s or 1970s. Living during those earlier times were less convenient in some ways, but it doesn't sound as bad as people who are jealous of the younger people today for their technology say they remember it.



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07 Feb 2019, 2:56 pm

cberg wrote:
I wanted to take a while to think before responding to this page & I will soon but there's something else on my mind.

This isn't strictly speaking about me. What I'm trying to point out is that sexism is just as damaging towards males as feminists have felt about it themselves. We're caught in a surveillance-based advertising vortex that's telling us to ignore in guys everything we demand from women, all so a few billionaires can keep buying things we can't.

For what it's worth I'm 5'10" and naturally very skinny. This makes me think women must be concertedly ignoring the bits of femininity I'd rather just honestly show them.


Sadly, I don't know how feminism today can ever go away. Nothing cberg or others are complaining about isn't women as collective per-se, but those very loud minority voices who unfortunately ruin it for all of us.



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07 Feb 2019, 3:05 pm

karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
cberg wrote:
To be honest I'm not sure I ever thought about that. I always assumed it's going to take some effort to introduce anyone to what I do for fun. I'm not sure where to start but I like that idea.

I also know I need to be better about candid discussions than I am now. I need to redress that with people I already know.


If you made an effort to be a little more direct in your style of communication with people, I have a feeling people would respond more positively to you because they would have a better sense of where you're coming from.

I personally enjoy playing with language/word games and sometimes use formal or unusual language, but I try to limit that somewhat unless I'm talking to someone who knows that about me and is comfortable with the way I use language, because it puts some people off. I'm not being less myself by slightly changing the way I use language around people I don't know as well or who are less accepting of differences, I'm just keeping to myself and saving what I consider my fun qualities for people who appreciate those things about me.

Sometimes you have to make little adjustments like that to prevent pushing people away, it's just part of socializing because we are all different so we have to always be making little compromises to communicate and interact with people. We're not equally compatible with everyone we interact with because we're all individual, so with most people you have to make these little adjustments and compromises to smooth things over socially.

You're not faking a personality or being "inauthentic" or anything like that by making these small compromises, you're just making the necessary effort to smooth socialization. That's just how human interaction works most of the time, you have to work a bit to meet people in the middle.

EDIT: for spelling.


I am asking this as a real question, how in this world do you consciously adjust your daily conversational style to direct, when you aren't really that style to begin with?



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07 Feb 2019, 9:22 pm

Hollywood_Guy wrote:
cberg wrote:
I wanted to take a while to think before responding to this page & I will soon but there's something else on my mind.

This isn't strictly speaking about me. What I'm trying to point out is that sexism is just as damaging towards males as feminists have felt about it themselves. We're caught in a surveillance-based advertising vortex that's telling us to ignore in guys everything we demand from women, all so a few billionaires can keep buying things we can't.

For what it's worth I'm 5'10" and naturally very skinny. This makes me think women must be concertedly ignoring the bits of femininity I'd rather just honestly show them.


Sadly, I don't know how feminism today can ever go away. Nothing cberg or others are complaining about isn't women as collective per-se, but those very loud minority voices who unfortunately ruin it for all of us.


Feminism shouldn't be confused with misandry. I think everyone is guilty of sexism to some extent, it best not to sweat it.


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"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos :mrgreen: