Letting Go of A Toxic Relationship Kraftie, Was Right.

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So all in all you are continuing the relationship at least for now, even though I get the impression you don't feel its really good for either you or him?

I mean its your choice, but even if he is not abusive....if being around him makes you feel worse most of the time, I have a feeling you're going to just keep experiencing the same hurtful things from him. Not sure its a good thing to be 'addicted' to people just my personal opinion if that ends up being what the relationship between two people is than regardless of anything else I tend to think its best they go their separate ways.

I guess the main thing is you have to decide for yourself, if its worth it to continue spending time with him or not. But if you make him unhappy and he makes you unhappy I don't see it ending in a happily ever after.

I would like to remind everyone that you are only hearing my side of the story, and a confused one at that. My "friend" has accomplished many amazing things, truly heroic things which I cannot discuss here. As a result of these events and post-trauma, his autism became apparent. Prior to this he excelled in every possible way, academically and also in competitive sports at a national level. You are all helping me to calibrate myself and for that I am grateful. He is not a villain, just autistic and traumatised and I have discussed my own challenges at length.

Maybe this is as good as it gets for two traumatised people who have found comfort in each other. I don't know. Non- autistics don't always get it right, far from it, but I think that life is all about endeavoring every day to manage our lives with whatever available resources we have to the best of our ability, and preferably not alone. This forum is wonderful, I feel safe here, the mods are humane, tolerant and devoid of prejudice and there are some pretty opinionated people with extreme views here. Though mostly it is a successful support system for the fragile and those who are struggling, and other members who share their insight and experience help to shed light on the darkened entanglement of ones' own perception of self.

Your loyalty is admirable. I don't think he's a bad man and probably the issue is not that he's autistic or a bad man, you just happen to not be a great match for each other. From your stories here I think you also managed to help each other a bit along the way and that's no small feat.

With things being as they are, you probably need to prioritise your well-being right now

That I do BR I certainly do.

Just because a person succeeds academically, and in competitive sports on a national level, doesn’t mean that this person succeeds in other aspects in life—like in relationships.

Perhaps he is a basically decent guy. I know you enjoy sex with him. And you both probably have had some nice times together. There is an attachment which is hard to break.

I had some nice times with my ex-fiancée, too. She was the love of my life. She was a basically decent person. She has some mental problems; she probably would be called “borderline” today.

However, after a while, I realized that we couldn’t continue like this. Moreover, she was in love with a drug addict. Despite the fact that she was the love of my life, I knew we couldn’t continue like this. If I continued with her, it probably wouldn’t have ended up good. I don’t know how bad......but it could have been really bad.

On rare occasions, we would get together, and the feelings would rekindle. It should be remembered that she would leave long, threatening phone messages to myself and my mother. The calls to my mother ended...but the ones to me would continue. For years.

One month before she committed suicide, she called me, wanting to sign her of the psych ward. Stupidly, I complied. I guess the fire hadn’t been completely extinguished.

I left her in a state of dishevelment. She lived like a drug addict. I wanted no part of this.

Two weeks later, she called me, pleading for me to talk to her. I ignored her.

Two weeks later, I received a letter from her mother, informing me that she took an overdose of pills.

Oh Kraftie I'm so sorry. You of course know that it was absolutely not your fault. I understand you much better now. Yes, you are right about being successful academically and other things, perhaps relationships are the most important thing of all. I had my kids over for the weekend and it was a bigger high than any sex oxytoxin can give, my little grandsons look at me so adoringly that I could actually melt. I was really happy.

This must have been a soul-crushing experience, I'm very sorry you went through this

She continued a pattern which lead to her demise.

I blamed myself a little.....maybe I could have spoken to her that day.

But she bought it upon herself. She wanted to live “that life.”

This happened over 20 years ago.

Mental illness can be torture, if someone is suicidal then there is nothing that can be done, ultimately the opportunity will arise. So hard to lose a loved one that way. Did you ever talk about that in therapy?

I have. In a casual way.

It’s not something I think about much these days. In reality, I sort of detached from it most of the time. I probably should have been more affected by what happened as I actually was and am.

It just was sort of a story that illustrates how harmful being sucked into a toxic pattern could be.

So many thoughts on that. So many.

My favorite (ASD-like) cousin stood me up and my instinct was to track her down (before cell phones) and see what was going on; it didn't take much for my boyfriend at the time to convince me to let it go. I never talked to her or saw her again. I did my best and still, I would have followed my instinct if I could do it again. Connecting with a suicidal person can make a difference in the long-run, or not. (Think the movie Ground Hog day - one death he averted, the other he couldn't). That said, at my worst moments, it was just me, I didn't connect with anyone (although maybe having someone nearby helped?) -- it was in part missing her that contributed to my shift.

I was frustrated yesterday by paperwork and screamed at my husband (on the phone) that I hated him (and the kids). Not a shining moment. I guess I needed to sit down and deal with my frustration and self-criticism: why is something so simple, so HARD for me? (except complex spatial puzzles and 10,000-line spreadsheets, those are easy) I will apologize to my husband today and talk to my therapist about ways to manage my acute frustration... As I mentioned before, I can be mildly (to moderately) verbally abusive --- my husband and kids say that the "good" I am for them outweighs the "bad". I'm still embarrassed (as I have been my ENTIRE life, not so helpful.) So confusing about relationships --- does the "good" outweigh the "bad". Geez, look at the work situation I am stuck in. Bad, but bad enough to leave? (Yes!) Couldn't I make it better? (No, it's crossed the line!) (I did make an effort and saw some improvement, but it goes beyond that.)

What's within our control, what's not. Level of effort. Pros and Cons.

I am so sorry you had to go through this, Kortie. You could not have saved her. No one can endlessly rescue someone from themselves. But to have this be the love of your life must be terribly crushing. I know what you mean by not always wanting to rehash the past so I will stop. (((Kortie)))

It sounds like you did the right thing in cutting it off with him because a person like that is not going to change. Narcissists are always right no matter what. It's always everybody else's fault but their own. You are better off without someone like that.

I am no stranger to abuse myself by lots of different people but I think the main thing we are taught is to "Stick it out" as things will get better.

We never dated but I used to have a crush on a guy on the spectrum, who is extremely narcissistic, abusive, and toxic. He was really never that into me in the first place other than seeming to flirt with me the first time I met him at an adult support group. Other than that, he ignored me during most of the support group settings. In addition, I learned that he often would be really hot or really cold. None-the-less, I chased him in which he kept playing me like a yo-yo, leading me on and play games. Meanwhile, he would tell other people behind my back that he disliked me and that he wanted nothing to do with me because I didn't live up to his standards.

Why did I chase him? Because I kept thinking things would get better next to the fact that I was used to being abused. I also put my eggs into just one basket because I was scared that no one else would accept me because I am "Different." In the past 3 and a half years, I have been letting him go. That includes, not having any sort of contact with him, which I am learning that I can live without him. Now do I still want to try and talk to him? Yes, but I know that unless he gets the help he needs and turns his life around, he is not ever going to treat me right.