I feel terrible

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Pandora
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31 Jul 2007, 3:35 am

calandale wrote:

Selfish.

She gets hurt NO MATTER WHAT. Even if
you end up staying with her. Why? Because
of your attitude. I think you need to figure out
a less selfish definition of love.

Much as I thought I would never say this, I agree completely with Calandale on this point. I have been in the position of being somebody's girlfriend until "something better came along" and it was one of the most horrible feelings ever. Be honest with yourself and her, Subatai, and break it off so she can find somebody who really will appreciate her.

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Break out you Western girls,
Someday soon you're gonna rule the world.
Break out you Western girls,
Hold your heads up high.
"Western Girls" - Dragon

calandale
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31 Jul 2007, 3:50 am

Pandora wrote:

Much as I thought I would never say this, I agree completely with Calandale on this point.

It's been a couple of times,
even recently. We aren't all
that different in many ways.

Just different tastes in some matters.

subatai_baadur
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31 Jul 2007, 11:00 am

calandale wrote:

Selfish.

She gets hurt NO MATTER WHAT. Even if
you end up staying with her. Why? Because
of your attitude. I think you need to figure out
a less selfish definition of love.

I've tried subtly asking this, but no one is getting the message, so I'll ask-How do I prevent her feelings from getting hurt here? If I can do anything to fall on the proverbial grenade, I will do so in a second. Until then, I'm staying with her and holding out hope.

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On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

calandale
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31 Jul 2007, 11:13 am

Her feelings ARE going to be hurt.
You can't help that. But, you can reduce
the amount, by not stringing her along.

What you are doing now, presuming that she
honestly wants to form a relationship with you,
is merely delaying her pain (which will be there
anyhow), and causing her to perhaps miss
oportunities, out of misplaced loyalty to you.
Causing real damage, in addition to some hurt.

Crap, like I should talk. But, at least I'm honest
in these things.

subatai_baadur
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31 Jul 2007, 3:07 pm

calandale wrote:

Personal truth-I am, at my heart, underneath the strong exterior, a p****. It would take a lot more courage than I reasonably have to break up with her and jump off a proverbial cliff to be entirely alone. However, once everything is back in swing in the fall, we will both have better chances to find something better, plus there is always the chance that I actually fall for her somehow.

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Jainaday
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31 Jul 2007, 5:52 pm

I'm not seeing much of a strong exterior, but OK.

Keep in mind two things;

1) Time heals many, if not all, wounds. The more time between pain and a new relationship, the more clearheaded one can enter the new relationship.

2) Another person can be, as you said, perfect- and not be any kind of right.

I have been there. I dated a guy everyone around me thought I should marry, and he was a lot of things I needed in my life at the time; he was also passionately in love with me, or who he thought was me, and all around, an incredibly great guy. He was attractive, smart, funny, hardworking, kind, knew me better than anyone, put up with my freak outs and weirdnesses as though they were worth it. We were very, genuinely, emotionally entangled. I will care about him till I die; it used to be I couldn't imagine life without him. He was my best friend far more completely than people are usually best friends with one another.

Leaving him behind was still the best decision I've made in the last five years.

Seems like a contradiction, but I promise, it's not.

Have some self respect; you are stubborn, if you believe in it, you can make it happen. It will be OK. Pain may haunt you both forever, or feel like it will- but there are other things, too, that come with honesty; they are good things, and, I think, far more than worth it.

Jainaday
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31 Jul 2007, 5:54 pm

P.S. I stuck around for most of a decade hoping to fall for him somehow. Not saying it couldn't work, but it sure didn't for either of us. If you care about her, tell her the truth.

calandale
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31 Jul 2007, 5:57 pm

subatai_baadur wrote:

Sadly, I understand. But never have I been where you
are, without love. Enough love to be able to try anyway.
Thus, I was always the one dumped.

CDHarris
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31 Jul 2007, 7:23 pm

I just saw this last night and thought it might be of some use here:

The Best Places to do Everything

Quote:

. . . Break Up with Your Girlfriend.

Her kitchen table, 8 p.m., Friday. Don't take her out to dinner to cushion the blow; for this blow there can be no cushioning. The news will hurt. Just be kind and don't waver. Her kitchen table allows you to sit but lacks all intimacy. She's on her turf, so she can react any way she wants, kick you out and retain her dignity, and have all her comforts around if she loses it, says Laurie Frankel, author of It's Not Me . . . It's YOU! And Can We Not Be Friends? After dinner allows minimal time until she tries to go to bed, and Friday allows maximum time to regain her composure before putting on her work face. In total, the interaction should take no more than 20 minutes -- enough time to apologize and tell her that you've enjoyed being with her but your feelings aren't as strong as they were, but not enough time to crack and start giving unhelpful details.

I have no experience in this department. So, I don't know if it's good advice. Anyone?

subatai_baadur
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31 Jul 2007, 7:43 pm

calandale wrote:

subatai_baadur wrote:

Sadly, I understand. But never have I been where you
are, without love. Enough love to be able to try anyway.
Thus, I was always the one dumped.

We haven't talked in a couple days for some reason. I've got crossed fingers that she found something better and vanished from my life.

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calandale
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31 Jul 2007, 7:46 pm

subatai_baadur wrote:

We haven't talked in a couple days for some reason. I've got crossed fingers that she found something better and vanished from my life.

That would solve everything. Sometimes
things do work out well.

juliekitty
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31 Jul 2007, 8:28 pm

subatai_baadur wrote:

I've got crossed fingers that she found something better and vanished from my life.

The fact you're thinking that way means you ought to break up with her if she hasn't.

Pugly
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31 Jul 2007, 9:00 pm

juliekitty wrote:

subatai_baadur wrote:

I've got crossed fingers that she found something better and vanished from my life.

The fact you're thinking that way means you ought to break up with her if she hasn't.

Yeah, does she even know the real you? If she knew you felt this way, would she even want anything to do with you?

I don't know... but it sounds like you haven't exactly been truthful about your true nature to her... she deserves honesty.

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Wonder what it feels like to be in love?
How would you describe it, like a push or shove?
Guess I could pretend that this is all I need
Wanting more than what I have might appear as greed.

subatai_baadur
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01 Aug 2007, 10:34 am

Pugly wrote:

juliekitty wrote:

subatai_baadur wrote:

I've got crossed fingers that she found something better and vanished from my life.

The fact you're thinking that way means you ought to break up with her if she hasn't.

I've tried showing her who I am, and she knows I'm an a**hole, but she doesn't seem to actually accept it.

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calandale
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01 Aug 2007, 1:00 pm

subatai_baadur wrote:

I've tried showing her who I am, and she knows I'm an a**hole, but she doesn't seem to actually accept it.

Well, nothing better than proving it then.

Pandora
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02 Aug 2007, 7:42 am

Yeah, she deserves better things.

_________________
Break out you Western girls,
Someday soon you're gonna rule the world.
Break out you Western girls,
Hold your heads up high.
"Western Girls" - Dragon

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