Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

What are the reasons for being single long term?

Page 6 of 9 [ 139 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

WantToHaveALife
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,214
Location: California, United States

12 Oct 2023, 11:12 pm

well i feel that way, because i didn't have my first long term relationship until i was 33, as in more than a year, didn't work out sadly, and its something i will always be angry and bitter and resentful about, yes i'm aware that type of attitude is a turn off for people, but it angers me that i didn't get to have the typical dating timeline like how people are normally expected to.



TwilightPrincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,595

12 Oct 2023, 11:16 pm

It sounds like you are determined to be miserable.


_________________
“The darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”
— from Four Quartets by T.S. Eliot


funeralxempire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 34,238
Location: Right over your left shoulder

12 Oct 2023, 11:57 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
well i feel that way, because i didn't have my first long term relationship until i was 33, as in more than a year, didn't work out sadly, and its something i will always be angry and bitter and resentful about, yes i'm aware that type of attitude is a turn off for people, but it angers me that i didn't get to have the typical dating timeline like how people are normally expected to.


At risk of sounding overly harsh, you gotta get over it if you want your future chances to improve.

Choosing to dwell on the negative aspects, the sense of failure, the jealousy towards others, the bitterness and resentment, that's only going to keep you in a mindset that isn't equipped to notice or reciprocate attention. If someone did throw themselves at you, that mindset would likely repulse them pretty quickly.

Let's try to imagine the situation mirrored: you meet someone who's appealing to you, but they're constantly negative about men and how easy they think men have it at participating in romance; she's had nothing but bad experiences and rejection and it's all she wants to talk about; everyone has it easier, but especially men because her personal experiences.

As this person goes from being a stranger you've seen and thought was adequately attractive, to someone you now know, odds are, your attraction to them has been diminished because their personality is unbearable.


_________________
The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing. —Malcolm X
Just a reminder: under international law, an occupying power has no right of self-defense, and those who are occupied have the right and duty to liberate themselves by any means possible.


Weight Of Memory
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 16 Jun 2023
Gender: Male
Posts: 317
Location: Florida

13 Oct 2023, 5:48 am

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
Through my teens and twenties I noticed something - I find a woman that I'm genuinely attracted to at every level, especially psychologically and who she is as a person, maybe once every five years.

Those aren't playable odds.


Ditto.

Even attempting to get a date can be emotionally exhausting, especially when it doesn't work out. I have to recharge from exchanging messages or from a date that falls flat.

Mikurotoro92 wrote:
there are also reasons to get married like getting to wear a fancy dress at your wedding and getting to have sex with your husband


You don't need to get married to wear a fancy dress at a party or to have sex with someone.



blitzkrieg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 22,045

13 Oct 2023, 6:27 am

WantToHaveALife wrote:
well i feel that way, because i didn't have my first long term relationship until i was 33, as in more than a year, didn't work out sadly, and its something i will always be angry and bitter and resentful about, yes i'm aware that type of attitude is a turn off for people, but it angers me that i didn't get to have the typical dating timeline like how people are normally expected to.


Try to be positive about your experiences (or a lack thereof).

A lot of people who have relationships experience heartache, and interminable distress as a result of breaking up, or because of negative things that occur whilst two people are together.

You will have avoided most of that by never having had a long term relationship until 33 years old. :jester:


_________________
“I was ashamed of myself when I realized life was a costume party and I attended with my real face” - Franz Kafka


Red82
Raven
Raven

Joined: 13 Oct 2023
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 112
Location: UK

13 Oct 2023, 8:44 am

I just googled to find out the percentage of ASD people who are single vis a vis the general population and now i am armed with the statistic that only 5 percent of people with ASD have ever been married.

The figure for the general population of the uk who are currently married is 50 percent. Having Autism doesn't help a lot of us who are on the spectrum in our quest for love. Perhaps those of us who are single should just be kinder to ourselves and more accepting of our condition rather the taking an inventory of our personal flaws.



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,552
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in capitalistic military dictatorship called USA

13 Oct 2023, 9:06 am

funeralxempire wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
well i feel that way, because i didn't have my first long term relationship until i was 33, as in more than a year, didn't work out sadly, and its something i will always be angry and bitter and resentful about, yes i'm aware that type of attitude is a turn off for people, but it angers me that i didn't get to have the typical dating timeline like how people are normally expected to.


At risk of sounding overly harsh, you gotta get over it if you want your future chances to improve.

Choosing to dwell on the negative aspects, the sense of failure, the jealousy towards others, the bitterness and resentment, that's only going to keep you in a mindset that isn't equipped to notice or reciprocate attention. If someone did throw themselves at you, that mindset would likely repulse them pretty quickly.

Let's try to imagine the situation mirrored: you meet someone who's appealing to you, but they're constantly negative about men and how easy they think men have it at participating in romance; she's had nothing but bad experiences and rejection and it's all she wants to talk about; everyone has it easier, but especially men because her personal experiences.

As this person goes from being a stranger you've seen and thought was adequately attractive, to someone you now know, odds are, your attraction to them has been diminished because their personality is unbearable.
His negitivity might stop if he knew he had someone interested in him, that's what happened with mine. I actually find this type of negitivity attractive in a partner. It's more relatable than people who are constantly positive & cant relate to struggling.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


TwilightPrincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,595

13 Oct 2023, 9:11 am

He will have trouble finding a partner unless he works on changing his attitude.

People who are constantly negative AND dismissive of other people's problems or struggles (such as by saying women have it easier) would be a huge turn-off for me and most women. It makes it seem like they would not provide mutual support or empathy but would make everything about themselves.


_________________
“The darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”
— from Four Quartets by T.S. Eliot


rse92
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Oct 2021
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,228
Location: Buffalo, NY

13 Oct 2023, 9:18 am

TwilightPrincess wrote:
He will have trouble finding a partner unless he works on changing his attitude.

People who are constantly negative AND dismissive of other people's problems or struggles (such as by saying women have it easier) would be a huge turn-off for me and most women. It would make it seem like they would not provide mutual support or empathy but would make everything about themselves.


This is like Human Nature 101. People prefer the company of pleasant people rather than the company of miserable people.



nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,552
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in capitalistic military dictatorship called USA

13 Oct 2023, 4:09 pm

rse92 wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
He will have trouble finding a partner unless he works on changing his attitude.

People who are constantly negative AND dismissive of other people's problems or struggles (such as by saying women have it easier) would be a huge turn-off for me and most women. It would make it seem like they would not provide mutual support or empathy but would make everything about themselves.


This is like Human Nature 101. People prefer the company of pleasant people rather than the company of miserable people.
The EMO & goth trends were exceptions to this & I find thise types of women very attractive.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"
~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"
~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


TwilightPrincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,595

13 Oct 2023, 4:11 pm

nick007 wrote:
rse92 wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
He will have trouble finding a partner unless he works on changing his attitude.

People who are constantly negative AND dismissive of other people's problems or struggles (such as by saying women have it easier) would be a huge turn-off for me and most women. It would make it seem like they would not provide mutual support or empathy but would make everything about themselves.


This is like Human Nature 101. People prefer the company of pleasant people rather than the company of miserable people.
The EMO & goth trends were an exception to this & I find thise types of women very attractive.

I doubt the member in question will find a woman who will consider such behavior enticing, especially when it's combined with sentiments about women having it easier or just a general lack of empathy.


_________________
“The darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”
— from Four Quartets by T.S. Eliot


ProfessorJohn
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jun 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,153
Location: The Room at the end of 2001

13 Oct 2023, 10:39 pm

blitzkrieg wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
well i feel that way, because i didn't have my first long term relationship until i was 33, as in more than a year, didn't work out sadly, and its something i will always be angry and bitter and resentful about, yes i'm aware that type of attitude is a turn off for people, but it angers me that i didn't get to have the typical dating timeline like how people are normally expected to.


Try to be positive about your experiences (or a lack thereof).

A lot of people who have relationships experience heartache, and interminable distress as a result of breaking up, or because of negative things that occur whilst two people are together.

You will have avoided most of that by never having had a long term relationship until 33 years old. :jester:


But the heartache of not being wanted at all can be worse than the heartache of a breakup.



WantToHaveALife
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,214
Location: California, United States

14 Oct 2023, 9:05 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
well i feel that way, because i didn't have my first long term relationship until i was 33, as in more than a year, didn't work out sadly, and its something i will always be angry and bitter and resentful about, yes i'm aware that type of attitude is a turn off for people, but it angers me that i didn't get to have the typical dating timeline like how people are normally expected to.


At risk of sounding overly harsh, you gotta get over it if you want your future chances to improve.

Choosing to dwell on the negative aspects, the sense of failure, the jealousy towards others, the bitterness and resentment, that's only going to keep you in a mindset that isn't equipped to notice or reciprocate attention. If someone did throw themselves at you, that mindset would likely repulse them pretty quickly.

Let's try to imagine the situation mirrored: you meet someone who's appealing to you, but they're constantly negative about men and how easy they think men have it at participating in romance; she's had nothing but bad experiences and rejection and it's all she wants to talk about; everyone has it easier, but especially men because her personal experiences.

As this person goes from being a stranger you've seen and thought was adequately attractive, to someone you now know, odds are, your attraction to them has been diminished because their personality is unbearable.


well its a fact of life that far more men than women will overlook resentment or bitterness in the opposite sex than the other way around.

As for what one person said "But the heartache of not being wanted at all can be worse than the heartache of a breakup."

Absolutely, its a common quote that, its better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all, for a lot people, they are willing to risk even being cheated on even if it means risking having a relationship.



Last edited by WantToHaveALife on 14 Oct 2023, 9:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

TwilightPrincess
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2016
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,595

14 Oct 2023, 9:07 pm

What are you basing that opinion on?

Work on your attitude. Maybe see a therapist.

Whining about what you perceive as differences isn't going to help you find a relationship.

Being in an abusive relationship is much worse than being alone.


_________________
“The darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”
— from Four Quartets by T.S. Eliot


funeralxempire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 34,238
Location: Right over your left shoulder

14 Oct 2023, 9:27 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
WantToHaveALife wrote:
well i feel that way, because i didn't have my first long term relationship until i was 33, as in more than a year, didn't work out sadly, and its something i will always be angry and bitter and resentful about, yes i'm aware that type of attitude is a turn off for people, but it angers me that i didn't get to have the typical dating timeline like how people are normally expected to.


At risk of sounding overly harsh, you gotta get over it if you want your future chances to improve.

Choosing to dwell on the negative aspects, the sense of failure, the jealousy towards others, the bitterness and resentment, that's only going to keep you in a mindset that isn't equipped to notice or reciprocate attention. If someone did throw themselves at you, that mindset would likely repulse them pretty quickly.

Let's try to imagine the situation mirrored: you meet someone who's appealing to you, but they're constantly negative about men and how easy they think men have it at participating in romance; she's had nothing but bad experiences and rejection and it's all she wants to talk about; everyone has it easier, but especially men because her personal experiences.

As this person goes from being a stranger you've seen and thought was adequately attractive, to someone you now know, odds are, your attraction to them has been diminished because their personality is unbearable.


well its a fact of life that far more men than women will overlook resentment or bitterness in the opposite sex than the other way around.

As for what one person said "But the heartache of not being wanted at all can be worse than the heartache of a breakup."

Absolutely, its a common quote that, its better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all, for a lot people, they are willing to risk even being cheated on even if it means risking having a relationship.


Going through a bad breakup hurts more than being single for an extended period. I've dealt with both.

Beyond that, I'm not so sure what you're claiming about men overlooking severe personality flaws more often than women is true.


_________________
The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing. —Malcolm X
Just a reminder: under international law, an occupying power has no right of self-defense, and those who are occupied have the right and duty to liberate themselves by any means possible.


funeralxempire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 34,238
Location: Right over your left shoulder

14 Oct 2023, 9:29 pm

nick007 wrote:
The EMO & goth trends were exceptions to this & I find thise types of women very attractive.


Unless the goths you know are still in high school they usually aren't as fixated on self-centred moping over romantic failings as our friend WantTo appears to be.


_________________
The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.
If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing. —Malcolm X
Just a reminder: under international law, an occupying power has no right of self-defense, and those who are occupied have the right and duty to liberate themselves by any means possible.