Fussy about dating black girls; The remark..

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If that avatar is a picture of you then I really don't think that your looks would work against you at all.

It is more likely racial and cultural issues.

In London I think that would be less of a problem though you still have to deal with people's parents *shiver*

Growing up, I always felt especially nervous around anyone who wasn't Caucasian. I worried that I wouldn't know what to say, or say something stupid that might come off as racist, and felt insecure that I didn't know anything about their culture. (Since I was too nervous to speak to anyone, it's not like I had opportunity to learn.) I got so nervous at times, I nearly convinced myself I must be a racist.

It wasn't until after high school that it dawned on me... I wasn't racist at all. I was just scared that my ignorance would be misinterpreted by others. Happily, I ran into a really cute Black girl in the Air Force who I eventually ended up dating. ^_^ I'm so glad I dated her, or I wouldn't have ever gotten over this anxiety!

You are attractive in your own special way.

I read somewhere that professional black women in the US often have difficulty finding a partner because professional black males are a minority. Maybe it's just me, but if you're not getting dates because you're too racist to date anybody of a different skin colour even though your skin colour is in the minority in your country, I think you've only got yourself to blame.
I'm a mixture of at least three different races, and I wouldn't rule out a girl because of her skin colour. I can understand not wanting to date someone from a completely different culture to your own, and I can understand that if, say, you're attracted by straight hair you're going to be attracted more often to white girls than to black ones, but if it's an if and only if thing, then that's stupid and racist.

The thing about stats that bother me is that they just dont reflect people accurately. Many older women who arent married do not want to marry- not because there is a minority or they are racist, it's that they just do not want it for their lives. Not to mention there are plenty of people who are intimidated or feel emasculated by women with phd's. I dont see what's the issue with someone's personal preference? I have friends who are not racist, but they prefer black men because they like them. Is that any more racist than a white guy who prefers a white girl? Some people cannot appreciate other people sexually, but it really isnt their fault what their biology tells them, or even if the fish arent biting. In one of my classes many of the white guys there said they probably wouldnt marry outside their race, the black guys said it probably wouldnt happen either, so doesnt it make more sense that youd seek (for a partner) the type of person who is more likely to feel attraction and appreciation for you? That aside, all the professional black women I know have dated and are marrying professional black men OR white men or latino. I just dont see a lot of single people of any race in university. Considering college attendance has been on the rise in the past 20 years, I think those stats may be outdated for women who grew up in the 90s or even 80s.

I don't see a problem with a mere preference, something along the lines of 'i have a thing for Asian girls' or 'I like tall men' (which statistically favours Scandinavians) but I do see a problem if it's a total dealbreaker, regardless of whether it's whites going exclusively for whites, blacks exclusively for blacks, etc. If it's a total dealbreaker, that means you're not considering personality and you're not considering the person's specific physical attributes - you're not seeing the person as an individual. While I can totally understand not wanting to date someone from a very different culture (after all, it should make life easier if you share the same native language, the same customs, etc), it's different is it's something based on race (for example, black Americans are culturally more like white Americans than Bosnian Muslims, who are white, are like white Americans).
I see this from the perspective of someone who has ancestry from at least three different races. I don't automatically judge beauty on a racial basis; among my colleagues, the two most attractive girls in my view are a blond English girl and a half Arab, half white girl; I used to have a crush on a white ginger colleague. I do tend to find extremely white and extremely black skins unattractive (both extremes are rare where I grew up), but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker.

Well, Im just going to be pretty blunt here, but I've heard a lot of bad comments about the physical appearance of blacks in general, from people from all backgrounds, including black. My boyfriend likes black women (I am african american of three different ancestries myself), but they bascially shouldnt be dark skinned and should be mixed looking. More black women have african features than not, so inevitably (Alfre Woodard vs Halle Berry), if most people feel the same way as him, then most black women would be left out of being "attractive" looking. So what about them? I have a friend who is mixed asian and black, but she only dates black men because she's experienced MORE prejudice from others, including members of her asian family telling her she should bleach her skin or get a nose job. She likes herself and her boyfriend likes her. If black men are more likely to appreciate you, then doesnt it make more sense to go after them? I've had talks with women who say that people just dont appreciate them for who they are and are constantly being compared on other racial standards of beauty that completely deems them as undesirable. It's a fact of life. Ive been through it myself and i look mixed. Maybe people cant help if they prefer white women over japanese, or japanese over white, so either party shouldnt feel guilty. I know people who arent attracted to other types unless they are a certain way, and frankly dont see the need in chasing after someone who doesnt like them physically. And yes it bothers me, but I can see why if people are wanting you to be someone you are not. That being said, I have friends who are married or are dating outside their race and they arent mixed. So yes, there are people out there who do appreciate a person for what she is. I dont think an educated black woman should be criticized for her marital status, or that people should automatically make her feel that she is racist because she wants a black man because plenty of people DO want their mates to be a certain way regardless. Many women just want to have to deal with what might be prejudiced in laws and I can honestly say that being a black woman in college, there are probably a higher level of black men who show interest in and are seeking black women versus a very small number of white men. Yes, it could possibly be the educated women's prejudice, but it really is slim pickings.

ps, i just wanted to say that my black friends that I have had in depth conversations with dating outside of a racial group are all sociology minors, and I am as well. It's true that the concept of race doesnt biologically hold up, but to the outside world, a physical preference for a certain look has unfortunately not gone away. When I speak of race I mean a pool of physical characteristics. People shouldnt be dragged down by these opinions though. Many women just dont let it bother them and move on with life with high self esteem.

Last edited by merr on 18 May 2008, 1:33 am, edited 3 times in total.

You do have to take into consideration that the concept of race is complex and that it is sort of outdated, as any good sociology textbook will explain. However, I do see that most people marry people who look more or less like them.

Daewoodrow, I do feel for you. I don't fit in the world of whites nor do I fit in the world of blacks or other people of color. I am lighter-skinned for my own ethnic group because, on both of my parents' sides, there were a bunch of foreign ancestors who were more or less caucasian. At the last ethnic social function I went to, I was the lightest skinned person (and felt like a freak or at least that I stood out) asides from my aunt who is not my biological aunt and this white guy who was running the place. People think I am Hispanic since there are a lot of Hispanics in the area.

Sometimes it is comforting to feel like I belong when people of this background make me feel like I am a member of their community by assuming that I am. (Their comments indicate this.) I never felt like I belonged anywhere for many reasons. I don't think I will ever fit in anywhere. (Being an intellectual/philosopher also makes it difficult.)

I guess I am most attracted to dark-haired, caucasian guys, although some latino and middle-eastern men also fit into this category. I can appreciate asethetics in every race though. The problem for me is that I don't feel attracted to most types of men, at least not in a romantic way. This includes guys that others would consider very attractive. I can see that but I can't feel it.

What I've noticed lately that adds to what I said earlier in my post regarding the concept of race is that there are people who are or consider themselves caucasian white, particularly of Mediterranean or Middle Eastern background, that are in some cases darker-skinned than I am, but I am not caucasian white. I think Shania Twain's hubby is one of them. The funny thing is though if I lived in Spain or Portugal, people would think I were one of the natives. That is, before I started to speak in English or my not-well-practiced Spanish.

Sometimes I like to dream of packing my bags and moving to South America, maybe Chile, and pretending to be descended from the aristrocracy (which I am). Then I hope I'll meet a "dark and handsome" cutie and we'll sail off into the sunset together (or fruit orchards if it's Chile).

That just it. Most preferences are deal breakers. Have you thought to consider how restrictive your preferences are? Most people are not aware, I wasn't. What you think you like is usually different from what you actually like. Trial and error.

If you look at this section it is riddled with threads stating a preference than moaning about not finding someone, usually blaming someone else (ironically complaining how restrictive they are).

Preferences are not logical. Not from an individual's POV anyway. I know I'm probably needlessly picky but I can't say that one preference is better than another or more morally correct.