What would you do if I were your boyfrend and told you this?

Post Reply New Topic

I have not decided against sex.

Still doesn't answer the question.

Wow, fivecents, that's different. I suppose it is just fantasy. But there is something about indulging in fantasy that, to me, just seems to make being in a relationship nonsensical. Sometimes I wonder, and this is jsut a question passing through my head as I sit here, if fantasies are just things people do to keep themselves from cheating, and they rationalize having them with different things like, I dont want my partner to be degraded, etc, when really, they are simply aroused by other women and wont come right out and say it? Nothing wrong with rationalizing or being aroused by other women, by the way. But if he were to act on it, that would just bring a different dynamic to your relationship. There's always a possiblity that the relationship wont mean the same thing as you may get attached or he may get attached. Or what if your lying in bed and you realize, while his arms are around you that they were around someone else 20 minutes ago. It might be a little awkward.

I really dislike when I am reading some article and the person puts sex off as something people physically need. Or something men need, and women only see it emotionally. Maybe when theyre single it is this way. The fact is, within a relationship sex ALWAYS means something, whether we conciously know it or not. I've never heard of a guy to feel nothing after sex. he may feel cocky, he may feel triumphant, he may feel guilty. Those are all emotions right? We tie the acts we do to neural connections/chemicals in our brain and to give those feelings to someone else while in a relationship seems to be the opposite of what being in a relationship means. Sure some night the man or woman may just be horny, but the whole point of the relationship is to give it to no one else. To save that "feeling" afterwards for your partner.

Fivecents, I think your guy appreciates that you dont have a bone of jealousy in you. It probably gives him comfort and makes him love you more since you "love him and cant set him free" to fulfill his needs. But I just can't see how it would not bring on problems to make love to someone else, even if it's the strongest, darkest fantasy, than come home to a partner. What if it becomes nightly? Weekly? What if you start liking the touch of your lover?

These are just thoughts of mine though. I think anything is possbile if people can make it work; it's all different for all of us. I dont view sex as something that will degrade my boyfriend or his image in my eyes anymore (even if it may feel like it), because I know it can be more than just trying to get rid of some primal urge. And it doesnt need to be sappy either.

It's whatever we make it.

Last edited by merr on 28 Dec 2007, 7:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

If I was a woman and you said that to me I'd probably think you just wanted to be friends and didn't want to hurt my feelings. I'd then end it because I'd think there's no point hanging around. But then, I'm not a woman and if I was I couldn't speak for all women anyway.

Merr, thank you so much for your thoughts and insight. Because he is who he is, I have to let him go in order to keep him, if that makes sense. He is extremely sensitive to being smothered. He says I ruin it for him by giving him permission to sexually cheat. Maybe I give him permission because deep inside I know he won’t. I am sure if he did I would die inside and the relationship would never make it.

For me, sex is part of love, and I don’t even like it without that connection. For him it is a separate act, the lusty part. He does do loving sex, but his fantasies are lustful. He has a very difficult time with intimacy, but tries to integrate the two, as he knows I like it. The feeling of intimacy between two people in love can never compare to a down and dirty encounter. Knowing this is really why I can’t cheat. I have no desire for anyone but him. I can cheat, it’s not like there’s a lack of options, but I would never do that to him, nor to our relationship. It breaks a circle that can never be repaired.

One thing I indulge him in is I check out women for him and make him look. His fantasy look is an anorexic blonde with fake breasts look. I am a thin, petite brunette with natural everything. Nothing saggy or too jiggly, but a far cry from a Barbie doll. One day we were outside a restaurant and along comes this hot hot hot blonde, thin, endowed, fishnet thigh highs yet totally classy looking. Even my jaws dropped. I elbowed him and told him he better look her up and down as appreciation for all the work she put into looking so good. He looked at her, looked at me, looked at her, put his arm around me and said “it’s just a look”, meaning, yes, she was smoking hot, but he prefers me. That was sweet. And he meant it. Yes, sigh, I sometimes wish I was a smoking hot blonde, but I am glad I am not, because I don’t like attention, and I would never be taken seriously at work.

So, it’s not that I’m not sometimes envious of a hot look, it’s not that I am 100% self confident, it’s that I am 1000% confidant in our relationship because he is opened and honest about fantasies.

I'd feel very rejected and hurt but then I would never ask anyone for sex. It's just not in my nature to take the initiative.