For my autistic brethern- Have you given up on love?

Post Reply New Topic

Women will notice the good things about me, but only if I know them well enough... Yet another reason I don't rush into anything with a woman I hardly know...

Please stop spouting this crap. Just because you lucked out doesn't mean everyone else will. I'm 38 and all I know is rejection. You should change the F's in your username to P's.

ToadOfSteel seems confident that his personality is attractive, but I'm not sure where the hold-up is beyond that. It's weird. Maybe he has approach anxiety.

Confidence and arrogance ... there's a difference.

Dammit everyone keeps telling me to try and be confident... if people think I'm arrogant, I seem to have succeeded...

You're probably right about the approach anxiety though... I find it easier to interact with people when I know something about them (and therefore have something to interact with...)

If you want a real hold-up though, consider the fact that my BMI is in the high 30s, I refuse to get drink alcohol (I have a thing about losing control of my own mind), and, as a college student, I have absolutely no money...

No, no. I never said you should be confident, I was noting that you come across as confident in your personality being attractive.

Maybe the next step could be making peace with yourself. That's what I try to do.

As far as approach anxiety goes, I myself never got rid of it. Everyone has that, whether they want to admit it or not. Nike has some good advice. "Just Do It."

You're still missing the point you still have to pass a looks test, it doesn't mean you have to be beautiful or that the other person has unreasonable standards but you DO have to pass the looks test before you are even considered dating material. There has to be some sort of physical attraction there to begin with whether the person is aware of it or not.

I still maintain that the women that are worth having as a long term part of your life if you have ASD are out there

This is entirely different from the casual sex scenario that you mention. Sex alone does not = love.

Finding and maintaining a lasting and meaningful relationship requires effort and understanding. BUT it is harder if you have aspergers because the unwritten social rules can be pretty tough to follow .

Cynicism is not attractive.

humourous

I see MANY relationships in my work with autistic children similar to mine with an NT partner and an Aspie partner- so no, I am not the only one in the world that is in a good relationship with someone with Aspergers.

There are girls that, after getting to know them, I found physically attractive despite finding them physically unattractive when I first saw them and being very different from the girls I'm usually attracted to at first sight. It has never happened to me with a girl I found extremely unattractive at first, so you could argue that there's still a looks test in my case, but if so it's far less stringent than the personality test. In fact you could equally argue that there's a personality test for everybody b4 you're considered a potential partner ('no weirdos please').

The problem you're missing is that it doesn't matter if you think they were unattractive, it is unconscious

attraction is not a choice

but most people are at least somewhat superficial and mediocre on the whole of it.

I know how you feel. You gotta just quit fretting about this girl crap and go on w/ your life! You don't women to be happy... Once I realized that... They actually started flocking then .

You're still young and have goals in life so focus on those and be the damn best at them. If you want to be a rocket scientist or whatever make sure that happens first.

Cyberman - I met him online of course
Not on a dating site, but in a chat room where we had a common interest, it was a computer related chat room, where being the complete noob that I was .. I was looking for some assistance. He was kind enough to offer some help and sorted out my problem. We started to talk and discovered that we had a lot of common interests and his wicked sense of humour and gentle nature captured my attention. We spoke online and on the phone for roughly 6 months or so before we decided that we would like to take the next step of meeting in person ( he was in the US and I live here in New Zealand ) We met in person and our relationship blossomed from there. He is not dashing prince charming ( for all you guys that think that women are only interested in men with stunning good looks ) but he was the honest, intelligent and witty person that I had met via text.

He was exactly as I had expected. He had described himself well. I think the text medium initially rather than having to meet in person first helped him express himself more easily and also it meant that my communication with him was clearer to him. In person we have frequent misunderstandings - but have got very good at recognising when they occur and clarifying what we intended to say. Communication is the key ( as with any relationship ) and never assuming ( for both people ) that they get what you are trying to tell them. NT/Aspie couples have a very difficult time with different communication styles. Working to understand how the other communicates is so important and I think ongoing.

Perhaps starting to look for people with a common interest is a good place to start .. after all friendship is at the root of any good relationship. Being honest with the person that you are with .. and working hard at understanding how the other half lives ( again both people ) It is possible to get it right .. but it does take an extra measure of effort I think from both people.