NT woman at her wit's end with her male Aspie friend

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Sounds like a head case...



I suspect somebody put him through the wringer once. He is a lot more skittish than most. Most Aspies do stall for time, but what he is doing is far beyond that.

For your own sake, be blunt. It is important for you to know if this is just a friendship or if it is possible to move to a romantic relationship. That is a bottom line. There is a difference between being a doormat and being understanding. He clearly likes you. A lot. Aspies just don't hang around others that much. Most can't. So he is pushing himself to do this.

So, mention you've noticed this. Tell him about how he is visible not at ease and takes time to warm up. Admire him for his strength in doing it. Heck, even tell him about your own problems with anxiety and how you know how tough it is to overcome. But, there are limits to understanding. You need to know. And you have a right to know.

In general, a blunt assessment is what Aspies need and want. Him, I dunno. There are issues here other than AS. Now, granted, those issues might be because of his experiences as an AS, but it isn't typical.

I have to wonder exactly how much anxiety rules his life. It may be that it is an act of will for him to walk out the door. Which could explain his wielding of power. An anti-anxiety med probably would rock his world.

But that is an issue for another time.

How would you want this question posed to you? How could it be phrased so that you wouldn't feel defensive, or worried, but so that you felt you could give it some thought and actually reply with a tangible answer? [/quote]
Simply ask him the question... As CJBinks says, aspies in general do well with bluntness (or at least better than just skirting around the question...)


Most likely the last one, as in he is not sure of what he wants. Aspies often get burned really easily by the more manipulative people out there, and are often more defensive later in life to avoid getting hurt. This is no exception...


Try some blunt straight talk with as little emotion as possible (listing your complaints in writing is a good option)... Aspies often can't process the more complex emotions that NT's give off when the NT is in a highly emotional state... which results in the aspie being more nervous and defensive in a highly emotional atmosphere...

Is these good times increasing in numbers? If they are, he's learning what you like to do and how he should act around you. And the only reason I can think of why he's doing that is becouse he likes you more than friend. If it was just friends he would expect you to accept him as he was from the begining.


If you feel that you can't ask him this personaly (for whatever reason), show him this thread and let him read it, that might give him the information he needs and point out that you need a straight aswer from him.

Thank you. I'm feeling like I'm too near Doormat Land


I've talked more openly about my problems with anxiety as well as insomnia (the first trait we found we had in common), and in kind he's been more open about how he processes information, etc.


I just need to find the correct wording to explain this. He'll bridle at terms like "right to know," and so far, my needing to know just hasn't been important enough.


Exactly, while clear is something he appreciates, I would almost say that there are certain subjects he simply does not want to deal with and in my experience won't. It isn't a question of needing time to think it over and eventually getting back to me.

I absolutely accept that he has problems with anxiety however, I'm not the only friend he visits (he recently made a point of telling me that) and he does at least have many acquaintances, so I'm inclined to think he is actively working on this issue. That said, I do know that he goes above and beyond his normal comfort level when he's with me and if I can find a way to work that into my message without appearing patronizing, I will.


A few have certainly rocked mine




Yes, if I had to predict the reason, it would be that one, mostly for the reasons you mentioned along with the possibility he has not gotten over his last relationship yet.

It will be in writing although I don't want that to be the only way for us to communicate about serious issues. I know right now there's a high probability I'll be emotional and since I'd like progress, I will explain and ask The Big Question an email. Also, he has tried to communicate better with me and I'm not interested in ambushing him. At the very least, that seems counterproductive.




The quality has certainly improved. I do think he enjoys my company and as I said above, he is becoming more open.


Oh, I've been tempted, trust me!

Oh, I've been tempted, trust me! [/quote]
Give in to temptation.

WOW your man sounds soooo much like the guy I am crazy about. Many similarities but also a few differences. He told me straight out that he did not want a girlfriend, just a "f#$k buddy". This was before I realized his dx which I have yet to bring up. I should say that this man is in his fifties and has been married twice, so obviously he was open to more at one time. He is an engineer and both his exwives were very highly educated as well. I'm sure his second wife (whose first son had a neurological disorder)had an idea of what she was getting into. I do know that they did not sleep together. When I asked too many questions he said I was annoying. He also will only IM and has disconnected many times in the beginning (we've known eachother about 8 months now) He's had a child with each wife and is a very devoted father. He says he does not have time for a real relationship so I haven't pressed it. So when asked, I am sure I will never really find out what the future will hold. I will admit that we have become lovers and he a is very passionate man. Yet we see eachother only about once a month. My ex had a psychiatric dx and I'm an RN with the disabled so I have learned to be very tolerant and understanding but I do not think I could put up with him on a daily basis. However, I am not looking for a serious relationship and I too, love my space so I am ok with just a physical relationship. He seems to be very insecure about his performance in bed and concerned about being "good enough for me". He has told me many times that he loves me but I do not know what 'love' really is to him. So now I will ask, "What exactly does an Aspie feel love really is to them?

To be fair, to most aspies it does feel like a police interrogation if questions are asked rapid fire for whatever reason...


Well, if he is a devoted father as you claim, that may take up a decent amount of time. If you want to become more involved in life, I would recommend becoming more involved in helping him managing the workload of raising children (unless the children are already fully grown, he should appreciate the offer, even if he does not accept it...)



Well his concern about being "good enough" for you means that he is taking your feelings into consideration, something aspies normally don't do unbidden... Love to aspies is generally a much deeper form of friendship, which may or may not have a physical component. In general, it's not something that is mentioned lightly among most aspies; when an aspie says that he loves you, it's usually serious...

Interesting. What are the similarities and differences?

Sharlyn,

The guy is in his 50s. He has a lot of practice in passing for normal. He very well may have picked up some tricks and is playing you. Nothing prevents an Aspie from being a jerk.

But, maybe not. For an Aspie to tell someone they love them is a pretty big step. So far, it doesn't seem like he has been playing you, quite the opposite. In general, an Aspie will not be trying to string you along by telling you he loves you.

I thought this too.

Of course, he is being honest and direct with you about how much time he's willing to give so that's a check in the "not a jerk" box : )

***

I don't have 20/20 vision in my own case, but am trying to get a bit of clarity. I'm sending the "Friendship or...?" email tonight.

-a graduate degree in engineering
- has a phone but doen't use it
- communicates only via IM or email
-he enjoys poetry but I cannot say he writes beautifully. I do enjoy our face to face conversations much better. I haven't notice any echolalia
- stiff/ tense posture. But I had attributed this to another neuromuscular problem he has. I could be wrong
- prefers conversation about things, never feelings; answers questions with questions
- strict adherence to personal schedule, has shown anger when schedule may be threatened
- a detailist/perfectionist
- social life seems to consist of father/son activities
-Although he and I both like hiking and kayaking, he will only do these alone or with his son
He likes his solitude
- I am not aware of his sleep pattern. I am sure he goeas to bed fairly early and at a specific time.

The only other difference I see is:
-He is very paasionate and enjoys intimacy but to a very limited extent
-He would never spend more than a couple hours together. He uses getting home to his son as an excuse. (He has full custody and I suspect he may be an aspie as well)
-He was upfront in what he wanted in our relationship. I believe this is his way of saying he isn't capable giving anymore.
-He said he wouldn't mind that I dated other men but I do believe he would. Sometimes it seems he is pushing me to leave him. I think he is testing me.

I think #2or 3
-My guy said he liked me and to "lets go from there".
-He likes to live in the moment and just enjoy 'what is', wiithout having to worry about other obligations. He is this way with everything else he enjoys.
-We have a sexual relationship. I can't say it is romantic. He can be very tender and likes to cuddle
-I am sure his other relationships were too much work. But in my case. once you have kids, your priorities change

This could actually be a real issue... if he gets extremely angry because he can't follow a personal schedule (which does provide a sense of "normal" to his life), it would be very difficult to integrate yourself into that schedule. I used to have the same problem (fortunately, thanks to the fact that IT guys are effectively on call 24 hours a day, I was able to force myself out of it), and I can tell you that it can easily be a breaker in a relationship... If you can resolve that one, however, several other issues will automatically resolve, and the others will be easier to deal with... But if he's in his 50s and still highly adherent to a schedule, it will definitely not be easy...

I agree with you. Just wanted to point out that the typical expectations from someone with AS might not apply.

I asked "friendship or romantic relationship." Got a reply in about 12 hours.

That did not go well.

He didn't answer the question but managed to turn what I wrote into an insult. ETA: I'd written that we had put work into our relationship, he replied, "Sorry to hear that I am a lot of work."

So, he's trying to turn the tables...I guess.

Well, this was it wasn't it? I don't think I can look at this situation and say there's any gray area now. I've been shown the writing on the wall, as it were.

Last edited by RecentlyBookmarked on 12 Feb 2009, 4:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm so sorry. I think he may want more but is scared