Living together before marriage?

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You are old enough to make decisions for yourself. If their best argument against you moving out with your boyfriend is "it is unchristian" I say go for it. Their disapproval should not be high on your list of concerns. What should be is your own contentedness, future and "infrastructure" of your life.

You do not want to go through life with tiny imaginary mom and grandma sitting on your shoulders dictating your actions, do you?

In fact I think living together before marriage is probably very important, since marriage is a much more binding agreement and you want to be sure it is the right decision. Personally I would want to be in a relationship for at least a year before moving in together, and probably four years of living together (and at this age, getting our own careers together) to consider marriage. If our relationship can make it through this "foundations" part then I think it worth considering a more lifelong commitment.

I know. I've just had them control me all my life soooo it's really hard to break free from it. I know they just want to keep me from making as many mistakes as possible but I don't think it would be a mistake in this case. Who knows? Maybe we would have changed our minds by the time he has enough to get an apartment, probably not but hey, it's an option.



I know that's how they want me to think in life. I know I definitely did some things at college without tiny imaginary mom and grammy on my shoulders.

We'd probably be together for 2 years before moving in together so I feel it's the natural step at that point. And it'll make us really happy. Yaaaaay.

The problem with living together and not being married is that, if you find out you can't be together with the other person, and you have to end the relationship, the memories of intense physical and emotional intimacy are going to linger in your mind (potentially) for the rest of your life.

And that kind of intimacy is GOING to happen in that situation.

Are you willing to take that risk of hurting yourself, and HIM, that way?

I think living together before marriage is the height of selfishness. I pushed for that once in a relationship with an aspergirl, it happened, we were going to get married, and then the relationship ended up having to end.

I was an idiot to have done that. And the memories hurt. Trust me. They just make it harder to let go if you find out you have to.

Don't do it.

Geeze, now I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm being selfish. How would it be different if you moved in after you got married? You still would have discovered the same thing right? I'm confused. >.<

And that is somehow not going to happen with the institution of marriage in place? If you get married and discover you cannot be together, it is much more expensive and traumatic to break off. Much, much, much more.

Test run before marriage is essential in my opinion. If you can't live together before you're married (without major issues), then you're not going be able to after you're married either.

Having said that, plenty of relationships have been destroyed by moving in together too soon (where one or both parties are not ready), very few have been harmed by moving in too late.

Provided you feel you are definitely ready for this Erisad, and that your boyfriend is too, then I don't see a reason not to do it. You're an adult now and I'm sure you can take care of yourself. In fact I think this experience would be very beneficial, first time out of the nest and all. You'll learn plenty of lessons along the way. Enjoy it!

Well, we're talking about this for mid to late 2013. So if we're still together by then, we'd be together for about 2-2.5 years by then, I think we'd be ready. We'll discuss it when it gets closer to time. I don't think we'd rush into it, as what's going on in my career would play into it too.

We moved in post engagement, for practical reasons. That you can usually get by conservative family, and it leaves you just enough transition time to call off the wedding if you discover things that can't be smoothed over.

But, really, spending time together and talking about serious things can get you to the same place. You don't need a test run if you are asking the right questions and paying attention to the little signs. It's not like living together first gives anyone a leg up on a successful marriage; stats have proven that it doesn't. I had all our potential living together issues well identified before we ever actually lived together.

What we found most helpful was taking the meshing together of our lives in steps. Long weeks staying at each other's places, then having our own rooms with our own things when we first moved in together. Stuff like that. We had both lived on our own for over a decade when we married, so just the loss of personal space was a giant adjustment.

yeah, was gonna say this.

Erisad, don't let us sway you. make a decision for yourself and be strong about it.

when i moved in with my future husband (now former husband. wow that is confusing to communicate), he didn't want to tell his parents about it as they were conservative Christians. we were going to live in a different city and immediately before those arrangements happened we were planning an extended van trip up the Alaska highway.

so... he told his parents at the last minute (maybe a few days prior) that i was coming along on the van trip... and they sorta figured out that i was probably going to live with him in the new city too. they were not happy, but by the time they really realised it we were pretty much gone.

That was what my plan was going to be but there was no way I would be able to get away with that as I would be packing a lot of my crap and stuff. Now I'm all uncertain and I don't know what to do. I shouldn't have made this thread, then I wouldn't have questioned myself. >.<

I have an aunt and uncle that have been together at least 30 or 40 years and never bothered getting married and things seem to have worked out fine for them. I don't know why they didn't get married but that's their choice.

I'd see living together first as a trial run to see if a marriage would work out and make the break-up a bit less messy then if you were married first.

I personally think moving in together before getting married is a really good idea. It kind of tests you guys to see if you can handle living together before you get married. I'm happy to see that you've already made up your mind and you're not swayed by what your mother and grandma want.

I'd just sit them down when they're in a good mood and tell them calmly what you want and why you think it would be a good idea. Tell them that you think it would be good to see if you two can handle living together before you get married and explain that it's better than getting married and it not working out after you move in together. Remember to stick to your guns, ultimately it's what you want, not them. Remember to use lots of I messages and express your feelings as much as possible.

Still, in the long run yes you might get really depressed after living together and not being married but then again, being married would mean living together as well and to me that seems more depressing because you have to go through the actions of planning a wedding and going through all of that and then after you'd still be living together.

I guess so. *sigh* Soo complicateeed. D:

i beleive in Jesus so im not too big on casual sex (whatever others want to do is not my bussines) but i do beleive that when i find a woman i truely LOVE then that is who i will uummm ..you know. (this is awkrad for me lol) So lik i said when i ind the woman i love i beleive that living together before marriage only makes sense... it allows us to see how we get along on a daily basis and whether or not we have what it takes to make it..'

If this is a man you truely love i say got for it