Autistic boyfriend over friendly with other girls

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rdos
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13 Aug 2015, 9:56 am

YippySkippy wrote:
Kelie, "Love and Dating" is the cesspit of WP. You're unlikely to get much useful or insightful advice here.


I think that is totally wrong. I think people get better advice here than anywhere else in regards to relevant neurodiversity relationship issues, simply because people typically don't understand that aspect anywhere else.



Kelie
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13 Aug 2015, 10:05 am

Hi androbot01

Thanks for the welcome :D
I'm the same I like the close couple relationship.

I'm trying to get a better understanding of why he is so chatty and what he gets from it. I'd like to be able to understand so that, if it's something he has to do to be happy and fulfilled, rather then something he's just doing regardless of my feelings, then I will try to deal with it within reason.


Fnord wrote:
So you don't want him to have new friends. Why?


I have already explained this is in my original post



kraftiekortie
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13 Aug 2015, 10:09 am

I would like my wife to have more friends, frankly.

I think it would cause efflorescence in our relationship.

There's nothing wrong with a little mild flirting--it induces confidence in both the flirter and the flirtee.

If people get too much "into each other," they tend to become the symbiotic shadows of their previous selves.



The_Face_of_Boo
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13 Aug 2015, 10:12 am

In my area, when two get married, friendships with the opposite sex stop.

Maybe that's wisdom after all?



androbot01
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13 Aug 2015, 10:13 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I would like my wife to have more friends, frankly....
If people get too much "into each other," they tend to become the symbiotic shadows of their previous selves.

True. The pendulum swings both ways.



androbot01
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13 Aug 2015, 10:19 am

Kelie wrote:
I'm trying to get a better understanding of why he is so chatty and what he gets from it. I'd like to be able to understand so that, if it's something he has to do to be happy and fulfilled, rather then something he's just doing regardless of my feelings, then I will try to deal with it within reason.

Some people are just born to be social butterflies. Even autistic people. I think he is doing it to be fulfilled and he is doing it irregardless of your feelings. And he'll want to continue to do so. If you curb him, he'll resent it. So the ball is in your court - can you accept his behaviour/is he worth it?



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13 Aug 2015, 10:45 am

Kelie wrote:
Fnord wrote:
So you don't want him to have new friends. Why?
I have already explained this is in my original post
Then we're back to my original suggestion, which is to give him an ultimatum - "My Way or the Highway" - and I'll go one step further and point out that if he continues to so flagrantly defy your wishes, then you have every reason to divorce him and kick his unfaithful ass to the curb.

What's to understand? He either loves you and is willing to change for you, or he doesn't and he won't. Maybe all he needs is to be confronted with the possibility of losing you.



The_Face_of_Boo
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13 Aug 2015, 2:03 pm

You know, I think there's a clear gender divide about love.

A quote I read somewhere:
Men believe that love matters for the sake of it. Women love opportunistically.

Women are obviously hypergamous probably by nature or maybe by culture (it doesn't matter, the consequence is the same), we see it everywhere, and it's her hypergamy which defines who she will love and who she will not, and how her love will be maintained in the long run.

I am starting to believe that women are simply incapable of loving men in a way that a man idealizes is possible, in a way he thinks she should be capable of.

I see men believing in 'love conquers all' more than women, women claim to be more "realist" and having more "realistic" view on love.

It is the men who are the hopeless romantics, not the women. And you can see this in the romance literature of the entire human history.

MOD EDIT: whoops!



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 13 Aug 2015, 2:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nurseangela
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13 Aug 2015, 2:05 pm

Kelie wrote:
Hi androbot01

Thanks for the welcome :D
I'm the same I like the close couple relationship.

I'm trying to get a better understanding of why he is so chatty and what he gets from it. I'd like to be able to understand so that, if it's something he has to do to be happy and fulfilled, rather then something he's just doing regardless of my feelings, then I will try to deal with it within reason.


Fnord wrote:
So you don't want him to have new friends. Why?


I have already explained this is in my original post


I also think the more you tell him not to do it, the more he's going to do it. One of my past Aspie friends said "If it's in a person's makeup to cheat then they will cheat and there's nothing you can do about it." He's probably right.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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13 Aug 2015, 2:08 pm

Image


*The Concept of you: The concept that you fit the list of on-paper boxes like Wealth, Salary, Success, Height, Education, Status.



mpe
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13 Aug 2015, 2:34 pm

rdos wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
I'm finding that this "poly" stuff is more prominent in the male Aspie community (I don't know what Aspie females think).


It's just as common in both genders, so it is not a male thing at all.


It's certainly the case that poly people are more common amongst ND people. Possibly something like five times more common than the general population.

IME it's not all that obvious if it's more a 'male' or 'female' thing. There's at least one online poly forum where the majority of members are women. I'm also aware of poly people who are GF, GQ or AG. (Which may also be more common amongst the ND population, most such things are.)
There was a recent survey that indicating that the majority of trans women are poly.



rdos
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13 Aug 2015, 2:52 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
You know, I think there's a clear gender divide about love.

A quote I read somewhere:
Men believe that love matters for the sake of it. Women love opportunistically.

Women are obviously hypergamous probably by nature or maybe by culture (it doesn't matter, the consequence is the same), we see it everywhere, and it's her hypergamy which defines who she will love and who she will not, and how her love will be maintained in the long run.

I am starting to believe that women are simply incapable of loving men in a way that a man idealizes is possible, in a way he thinks she should be capable of.

I see men believing in 'love conquers all' more than women, women claim to be more "realist" and having more "realistic" view on love.

It is the men who are the hopeless romantics, not the women. And you can see this in the romance literature of the entire human history.


I think it is primarily a neurodiverse divide. In my current survey, there is a considerable amount of both ND males and ND females that have crushes on somebody they haven't talked to, and also a considerable amount of NDs that have been unable to move on either after dating or a relationship. These are indicators of romantics. For NTs, most people are in relationships, and they have higher attachment scores and lower infatuation scores. For NTs, I think males mostly seek sex while women mostly seek status and alike, neither which is particularly romantic.



mpe
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13 Aug 2015, 3:02 pm

rdos wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
I had never even heard of this poly - whatever until I came to the Aspie community. I also never met an Athiest until I went on an Aspie website. I really believe it had to do with the logical way of thinking that is more prominent in Aspies.


It's not. Polyamory is related to other neurodiverse relationship preferences like forming stronger than normal attachments. It's not related to logical thinking.


I would suspect that differences in ND and NT responses to things like fashion, peer pressure and propaganda could also be involved here.

rdos wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
I'm sure NT people want more than one partner at certain times but they usually have affairs when married and most feel guilty about it and divorce usually happens. Open relationships aren't seen as much (to me) in NT relationships.


Yes, because they cannot share love and attention, so these things in monogamous people lead to divorce. Which is the primary reason why you should know about being polyamory if you or your partner happens to fall in love with somebody else so you can reason about it from an polyamory perspective instead of divorcing.

There dosn't appear to be much if, if any, difference when it comes to NT and ND poly people.
It's just more common amongst the latter than the former group.

The whole concept of monogamy happens to be one of the major ways I feel 'alien' within the society I live in. (I suspect that my 'home planet' here is 'Relationship Anarchy'. Where monogamy is an option for those who mutually want it.)



Wolfram87
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13 Aug 2015, 3:08 pm

In this matter, I can only appear in my own person. That being said, I have on more than one occasion been told things like "Dude, you were flirting so hard with that girl". This after having had some (from my POV) very platonic, amicable conversations with girls who I found to be not much more than tolerable. Not bad in any particular way, just not people I would consider to be interesting, romantically or otherwhise. I can't speak to the situation of the OP, but it does seem to be thing that on occasion happens to aspies. My proficiency at seduction could fit in a matchbox without removing the matches, I will be the first to admit. But when chatting, even with someone I just met, I'd prefer it be on a subject we both like and find interesting, so we can express and discuss more thought-out opinions and ideas and maybe learn something from one another. Does going past superficial platitudes and niceties automatically constitute flirting in other peoples eyes? I'm honestly curious.


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rdos
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13 Aug 2015, 3:12 pm

mpe wrote:
There was a recent survey that indicating that the majority of trans women are poly.


That doesn't surprise me. LGBT (mostly women though) and BD/SM also clusters with neurodiverse relationship preferences and thus with polyamory.



mpe
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13 Aug 2015, 3:40 pm

Kelie wrote:
It wasn't talked about in depth though, as i am one of these people that just assume monogamy in a serious relationship.

Ever heard that 'assume' equals 'to make an ass out of u and me'?
Assumptions can cause all sorts of problems even when dealing with NTs.