How can I accept turning 30 and still being single?

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Just to say I know a person cannot open up their entire life story here (or do not choose to) in every thread but Marknis and I have been chatting and he has been making broad steps in helping himself.

The system is a bit messed up where he is, leading to delays etc, but I guarantee he is not looking for people ‘to feel sorry for him’.

He needs encouragement and to vent - while his mind is in the rut that depression throws at it—
and if you don’t have that to offer please to follow Thumper’s advice in Bambi

Care to actually say something besides cheerleading?



Thank you, blooiejagwa. You are correct and people here forget how sick the Bible Belt is.

We get it. But with so much good advice being offered that has oft gone scorned, a few of us are somewhat losing patience. I’ve avoided the tough love attack, but I have to admit Luhluh has verbalized almost exactly some of my own thoughts.

We want what’s best for Marknis. And I think if so many of us hadn’t been there ourselves at some point, or still are sometimes, we’d probably have mostly ignored him.

The depression is clearly instigated at least in part by long-term romantic isolation, though depressive thoughts will make matters worse. The problem is Marknis badly wants a relationship ASAP but he can't demonstrate qualities that will attract women to him and he seems unwilling to put in the time and effort to develop such qualities, yet he still wants the results of doing so. Sooner or later I hope he realises that under his current circumstances, it is unreasonable to expect someone to want to be in a relationship with him and he makes changes accordingly. It's difficult to advise someone who wants different results but is unwilling to put the necessary work in to earn those results.

Which is pretty much the exact same situation with another forum poster who’s posts I’ve read. Maybe Marknis and the other guy should become friends. At least then they’d have each others’ platonic company and less to complain about.

I don't think any amount of platonic company is going to alleviate the struggles of either. At the end of the day, sure, they can be friends, but that doesn't get them closer to the relationship they desire.

Maybe, maybe not. Both claim to have no friends and rarely have anything positive to say about themselves, their love lives, or anything. If they became friends they each may have less to complain about and possibly even have something positive to say and one good thought could lead to another, they may even experience happiness, and in turn could be perceived as more attractive by others when they’re caught smiling. One thing leads to another and boom they might break their hangout dates to go on real ones with different girls respectively. You never know!

Gotcha.
It’s ‘hobbling on one leg’ point for him (and me too honestly which is why I really feel for him) it seems.

This is a forum for people dealing with autism and possibly other things. There are so many issues at play for everyone executive functioning, inability to adapt, delays in things, trauma etc-

and it varies so I don’t think there is anything to be gained by stating such things (as above) as it can turn into bullying. With the fluid nature of discussions as they devolve.


Even if you don’t intend it as such that is how it will come off to the OP esp someone in a fragile state of mind.
It seems everyone generally intends well though

Maybe just PM me or post in the other forum when feeling down Marknis.

Wrong. I never said I didn't have any friends, just that my friendship circle shrinks as time proceeds.

I don’t recall you ever posting anything about friends or positive social interactions. It must be a small minority of your posts that talk about friends. You’d probably serve yourself much better by focusing your posts on positive things in your life rather than (almost) always complaining as the negativity just gets further and further reinforced in your mind and the cycle continues. I bet if you consciously focused on posting more things about positive interactions with people vs lack of love or social life that bit by bit it would help you feel better and in turn you’d have even more positive experiences with others.

My mind constantly tells me I've either missed out on relationship opportunities or that it will take until I am nearly dead to finally achieve a relationship.

Why are you so resistant to the idea that you may just need to make changes, self-improvements before a relationship is likely to occur for you?

Don't believe everything you think.

The book I recommended to you is to learn how to deal with negative thoughts exactly like these.. how to react to them, how to respond to them, how to eventually train yourself how to not have so many of them so often.

I don't know if change is possible in my life. My past is marked by failure and I don't get good results when I try things. It's like my brain can't undergo neuroplasicity. I also feel like people are saying I am too messed up to ever have a relationship. It's like being shy and reserved is worse than being confrontational and arrogant.

I dont think you're too messed up to ever have a relationship but I do think you need to put more stock into what women want from men and try to make some necessary improvements. That's not to say that you should completely mold yourself to others' expectations but you should look at fundamental requirements that most women your age are going to have of potential partners and work towards attaining those things. Everything you do towards becoming more appealing to women is going to improve your chances of being able to attract one to be your partner. You don't have to be the full package but the responses you say you get from women are a pretty good indication that you need to up your game.

As I've said before, I think becoming independent and working towards moving out of your parents' place would be a huge step towards getting a girlfriend. I'm pretty sure most women your age, particularly those who have moved out of their parents' place themselves (which I'd suspect would be most), are going to want to be with a man who is also independent, and not being independent may disqualify you from their dating pool right off the bat. you're going to have to move out of your parents' one day, so why not set your sights on it now? Even if you have to save up for a while, and even if it's a slow process, I think mobilising a plan that allows you to move out would be a very positive thing for your relationship prospects.

Another thing I'd focus on if I were you (and I will be doing this myself too) is improving your physical attractiveness. You don't have to become an 'iron-pumping jock' but I think aiming to lose some weight would do you favours in attracting women as well. I know it's not easy but monitoring your calorie intake and cutting down on junk as well as perhaps looking into cardio will make you look and feel better and will make you more attractive to women. Also developing your style may be a good step to take if you don't already concern yourself with that kind of thing.

The only other thing would probably be to look into getting a better-paying job. Again, easier said than done, but maybe taking one of those online career surveys will offer some insight into your natural skills, abilities and inclinations and provide some direction for jobs you might like to look at getting into.

It may not seem like everything I said above will directly result in you getting a girlfriend, but if undertaken I can guarantee they will improve your chances and give you something other than not having a girlfriend to focus on for the time being. Being on track to getting the results you want is infinitely better than being lost and directionless.

Good stuff, Grand. Keep it coming!

You mentioned meeting others’ expectations...

Marknis has a huge problem with conformity. I’m well at odds with Bible Belt norms myself, so I get it.

In polite society, you just don’t hear words like f@&, qu33r, or p^$$y used to describe offbeat people. They call us “colorful,” and outside gossip they leave us alone.

I can’t really be anyone else besides myself, and people wouldn’t really like me as much as they do if I changed. But at the same time I try not to punish people for being nice to me. Which means I’ll dial back the “color” if it means people are more at ease and find me more pleasant to be around.

I mentioned in an earlier post about a fundraiser party I attended. I went just to be nice, and I get crazy nervous in those situations. But I ended up seeing people I know and having an awesome time. Now all of a sudden I’m getting invites to other social events. And the only reason I didn’t before is people didn’t know I’d ever even be interested when in reality I just wasn’t aware of those kinds of things.

I’m not a conformist, which is my point. AND YET I’m not getting hate from anyone when I show up to big high society events.

Another way I like to put it is: To be interesting, you must first BE INTERESTED. I’m welcome among the rich and bright in my area because people here just don’t push people out like that.

If, say, someone asks what books you like to read, you can say, “oh, prolly nothing most people like. I’m into manga and sci-if.”

You might get: “Ew! Whyyyyy???”

I’d say: It’s fun. Hey what do you like? Oh REALLY? No kidding? Who writes that? Never heard of her. What’s your favorite book by her? Ok, what’s that about? Ahhh, ok. I’m going to read that book next chance I get. What else would you recommend? Oh really? Never read it, but I think I HAVE to now! Ok, it’s been great talking to you. And I’ll download that book and read it by the next time I see you. Which...btw, are you busy about this time next week?

It’s not about conforming as it is celebrating who other people are and building them up. You go from zero to cool real fast and you barely do anything to get there. Get in the habit of it.