What’s the likelihood?

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He seems a bit inconsistent. Now he wants a drink with you. How often do you think you’ll run into this guy?

Not very often to be honest . . .. . .. . There is a thing on Friday that we are both invited to, but I’m not going. I’m guessing he just wants to be friendly when he sees me, but otherwise doesn’t want contact. I told him I no longer had his phone number (I deleted it) so if he wanted contact he would need to text me, but I haven’t heard anything.

And the being inconsistent . . . I have often said it seems like when he sees me in person, he remembers who I am and reacts to me warmly, when communicating by text he becomes hostile and cross very quickly. . . ..

IMO there's just too much less for pretty much anybody to read from texts. Talking in person is always better. Most people get grouchy when confused.

I agree cberg, but the difference between the way he responds to me in person versus via text is huge.

I wonder if he has an issue associating faces with names. It could be that when he sees you, he responds with positive emotions because he recognizes you. However, when you send him a text, those emotions don’t associate correctly with you because you’re just a name on a screen. I have trouble recognizing faces and the names that go along with those faces, so it’s not far fetched. I don’t know, it’s just hard to explain his behavior and how inconsistent it is.

I wonder if this could be similar to my own behaviour...

When I am out and about, or I initiate contact myself, it is because my head is in a state where I can be sociable, therefore I am sociable to the people I meet. When my head is in a state where I cannot be sociable (not "do not want to be", but "cannot"), any and all contact with anybody is a demanding intrusion into the little bubble that I need to escape into, so that I can "regenerate" my ability to be sociable. When I am in the "bubble", I tend to be either very hyperfocused on a special interest, or in a very dissociative, de-realised state. If I'm involuntarily drawn out of those states, I am liable to be very disorientated and emotionally fragile (to be blunt, a temper tantrum is quite likely.)

I can see why this behaviour would seem (and maybe is) selfish from the point of view of the people outside the bubble, but when I am in those "fugue" states, my brain does not have the resources to reciprocate socially (or at least, not appropriately or proportionately). Even if the other person makes clear that the interaction is not urgent, and I can take as long as I want to reply, the need to respond will still play on my mind to the extent that it interferes with the "regeneration" process.

So, I wonder whether your friend also has this kind of very polarised sociability, with his reaction determined by whether the social contact is initiated by him (or incidental), or initiated outside of his control. This might also lead him to be very anxious about initiating contact himself because he feels embarrassed or guilty at his previous reaction to your contact (I am prone to this, too.)

That makes a lot of sense, and is possible likely to some extent . . .. however he used to initiate contact via text all the time, and he does with other people. It is just me he has issues with. . . Possibly because we have fallen out many times via text?

I’m not sure which explanation you are referring to (or perhaps both?). I like Trog’s explanation better, but both explanations could be true at the same time. It varies from autistic to autistic. He’s probably not initiating text messaging because he doesn’t want to (I know that seems like a cop out answer). He might have some other social opportunities he’s taking advantage of and since his social “time window” will be limited, he’s choosing to use it with other people.

I was referring to both.

Yes I understand now he doesn’t want to . . .. . And that’s fine, but why be so friendly when he sees me. Anyway I’m cross with him now because in time I’ve begun to realise that he has stopped being a good friend over the past 12 months in many ways. He has succeeded in making me feel as if it is all my fault.

The other issue is that I can never get to have my say, because he just gets really hostile and critical of me if he thinks he is being criticised. . . .

All good things come to an end I guess, . . .. .

No fair! You can't be upset with him when he technically is no longer doing anything "wrong". That's like being mad at your spouse because you had a dream in which he cheated on you. Well, sort of. All I'm saying is that, since you haven't really been in contact with him, he hasn't really had the opportunity to mess things up more than he already has.

And you're right, the failing of this relationship isn't your fault. You shouldn't feel that it is. And he probably didn't try to make it seem like your fault so much as he just said what he said to end the relationship.

Ahh but I’m not cross with him for not communicating with me, that is fine.

I’m cross because now I have had time and space to reflect I realise that he hasn’t been a kind friend to me for a long time. He always managed to make me feel that it was my fault. However I take responsibility for not always giving him enough space, or for having expectations of reciprocation he could not meet. He has to have responsibility for being unkind and ungrateful on many occasions.

So now I have come to the decision that even if he changes his mind, I do not want to have a friendship with him anymore. I will spend my time and energy with those that genuinely care for me . . .. .

Sounds like a good idea. There’s no reason for you to expose yourself to additional hurt by this person if they aren’t able to have a healthy relationship with you. As you’ve said, you have plenty of friends and activities to attend to. It’s not like your life is a void.

It’s such a difficult balance between understanding autism and it’s effects, and ensuring I understand and adapt . . . .to being taken for a fool.

I will always worry that I should have done more to make the friendship work better, but I don’t think he will have the same concerns.

Hey, even though I have autism, I still have trouble totally understanding it, don’t feel bad about how challenging it is. I don’t know what you were taken for a fool so much as the guy just had a tough personality that made a long term relationship challenging if not impossible.

Do you think this experience would prevent you from seeking friendships with other autistics?

Nope never. There are many things I liked and loved about our differences. Plus I decide friendship based on other aspects. . . . Actually I have a lady who is a friend who is very autistic. Not a close friend but I know she really appreciates our friendship,.

I did go to the event last night and he was there and he totally blanked me, which really hurt. I have done nothing to deserve that. I have emailed him, but unlikely I will get a reply.