How do you guys do the "no contact" thing?

Post Reply New Topic

How?



Sounds like self fulfilling prophecy. They collectively make that assumption -- without any justification -- and as a result that becomes reality. Under Stalin or Hitler any way that contradicted those dictators sucked too, since it would encouter a collective opposition/delegitimization.

First of all she doesn't have a boyfriend. But lets do hypothetical and talk about hypothetical "boyfriends fists" anyway, since it is a good illustration of something important. So when I complain about "nice guys finish last" I am told that I am not a nice guy. Okay fine, I am not. But lets ask a different question: so if you compare two jerks: myself and her hypothetical boyfriend, who is "more" of a jerk? I guess her hypothetical boyfriend: he is willing to use fists, and I am not. So how come she would date a bigger jerk yet won't date the smaller jerk? Same concept isn't it. I realize that its not like she would date him "because" he is a jerk. But the point is: why is she willing to overlook someone's violence yet she isn't willing to overlook mere social awkwarndess. Something to think about, isn't it.

It's not about who is more or less of a jerk, it's about in whose company she feels better.
It's subjective.

Without any justification?

We’ve already discussed the fact that you are difficult to be around from the start.

Why should the entire world adopt your worldview?

Changing the world is not going to work (and shouldn’t!). You can change your own behavior.

If his fists aren’t directed at her and there’s the perception that you are stocking her and being creepy, that’s a little different...

Just drop it. Arguing is not going to change the facts.

No sane woman is going to put up with this sort of behavior, so change it.

If what you are doing is not working, it’s time to try something else.

Complaining about it being “unfair” and discussing how you think things should be is getting you nowhere. Let it go.

@TP: I think you mean "Stalking" and not "Stocking".

I did! I knew that felt wrong. Jeez! LOL

No worries. I know you mean well.

You didn't tell me anything I "did" at the start. You just told me she lost interest from the start, and used it as evidence that I must have done something even if you don't know what it was.

Actually here is something to think about. You are probably in agreement with both of the statements below:

a) If she is disinterested she doesn't need a reason

b) If she is disinterested you must have been difficult to get along with

But actually those two statements sort of contradict each other. Statement "a" implies that it's just the matter of attraction and statement "b" implies it's the matter of my behavior. So which one is it?

I realize you might argue that both statements are about a behavior: if she thinks I am difficult she doesn't have to give a reason for that either. But do you see how frustrating it is to hear "you are an a**hole but I don't have to tell you why", and hear it from everyone, not just her?

If you argue with these women like you argue with us, it's no wonder you can't find love.

I hope you don't give these sorts of "dissertations" when you are on a date with a woman.

If you wonder about the intentions of every little grimace, every little twitch, etc. you will go crazy. And the other person will go crazy, too.

You have to ease up, man.

You don’t have just this one example to go by. You have a history of failed attempts.

In this thread, you’ve mentioned that you aren’t easy to get along with from the start. Negativity and lack of compassion have also been mentioned.

We’ve made it clear that you have to quit sending multiple, insecure messages to people.

You can learn from past mistakes as well as from the advice you’ve been given.

She doesn’t need to give you a reason but you can infer a reason based on the things we’ve discussed.

Sometimes a woman might be “just not that into you” which is okay, too. Move on.

But thats something I attribute to Asperger. So when an aspie constantly fails due to the fact that they can't get along with NT-s, then I see aspies as victims, at least from my point of view anyway. I mean, you have Asperger too I presume, so I am sure you can relate.



Well, for one thing, if someone says "I am bad", thats not usually a sign of a bad person. But, in any case, I don't think I normally use these kinds of expressions. What exactly did I say?



As far as lack of compassion, here is what happened. She went to the dentist and talked about the possibility of extracting teeth or putting crowns on them. In respones to that, I asked her whether she sees it as a sin: after all tatoo is a sin and this, too, is a permanent change to the body. Her answer was no, she didn't see it as a sin. But this made her concerned that I didn't express symapthy and talked about religion instead. But on my end of a line I did express sympathy: I mean I did say I was sorry her tooth was hurting or something along those lines. Its just that it took maybe a sentence or two to exrpess sympathy and it took two long paragraphs to talk about religion. But that doesn't mean I didn't feel sympathy: it just means I didn't have a bunch of logical theories around my sympathy to fill out the whole paragraph. Just the fact that I don't express something doesn't mean I don't feel it.

As far as negativity, yes she said negativity was a turn off. But I don't see how it amounts to "not being easy to get along with". I thought not being easy to get along with means saying "my way or the highway" or something to this effect. But if I just sit and complain to her about other people mistreating me, what does it have to do with it?

In any case, since you said "from the start", the only thing that came up "at the start" was negativity. The dentist visit came much later. On the other hand, the time she called synagoge to attend the service was "after" the negativity thing and "before" the dentist thing, so this tend to indicate that perhaps dentist thing is what played the bigger role (if she already made her final decision due to the negativity thing, what would be the purpose of visitting the sinagoge then?) But then again, she told me that negativity was a turn off long "before" both the dentist "and" the synagoge. So how do you make sense of this timeline?

Don't you think learning from romantically successful autistic people would be a better approach than seeing yourself as a permanent victim?

I do want to learn. The fact that I feel like a victim doesn't preclude the desire to learn. Here are two evidence that I want to learn:

1) When I complain how the behavior of others doesn't make sense, I am hoping for someone to explain to me how it does make sense, after all. Now, if I were to finally understand that explanation, this would amount to learning. Maybe its the way in which I ask questions that seem to be misunderstood otherwise. I remember, back when I was doing the first ph.d., my professor said that he found it frustrating how I kept coming to his office to "tell him that book's author is an idiot". But actually my intention was quite different: I was hoping he would explain where books author was coming from so that I would finally be able to get past that page that I was stuck on and read further.

2) One of the things I find frustrating is that people don't give me a chance -- despite the fact that I intend to change. Well, if I didn't "intend to change", then this complaint wouldn't make sense, would it? So the whole point is that I do want to change. I just want other people around in order to give me an opportunity to change. But when they ditch me, then what am I supposed to do? I can't really change if I am stuck in my room with just myself there.

You wrote two long paragraphs explaining why you think she should think getting a tooth extracted is sinful? I mean she responded no she didn't think that...it wasn't an invitation to go on talking about why it could be seen as a religious sin.

As for the negativity, negativity is unpleasant so if you are being constantly negative that will make you hard to be around. It drives people away. I mean I doubt you'd want to spend a lot of time around someone who constantly complains.

She could’ve seen that debate about her religion as being an attack against her religion. Don’t do that.

As far as 1 goes, we have explained why women have responded to you in the way that they have and why it makes sense. We don’t need to beat a dead horse here and go into every minute detail. It’s silly. Maybe you aren’t going to fully appreciate or like the answer. Just try to apply it.

As far as 2 goes, you can learn in ways that don’t involve currently being in a relationship and making faux pas.

What are you trying to get out of this thread?

It seems like you want to argue and complain more than you actually want to listen, learn, and move forward.