What NT Women Want

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I think it's plain old straight up awful to assume someone's sexual orientation based on looks.

Seriously that's not OK for anyone to be doing.

The negative part is the presumptions. I don't EVER want to be typecast that way.

Note to OP: this is why ASD is a prison for single people.

I could understand the assumption of deep V collar shirts, super vivid colors, very tight shirt if you're skinny, any kind of ear jewelry, any kind of obvious makeup. Majority of guys don't wear these and most of them can't pull it off. Seeing someone wearing all that would make me wonder too. But of course, you can't judge a book by its cover.

As far as Behavior, I too have noticed some snickering about a guy must be gay because he never has a girlfriend and they don't notice him checking women out. Some of us guys are just sly with checking women out .

It's interesting that you view this as negative. I think it's just curiosity devoid of any judgement whatsoever. Like guessing a persons' ethnicity without prejudice, just pure curiosity. It's a very natural thing to do for me, it's just gathering information, women do that. We are the "gatherers".

Last edited by Teach51 on 24 Feb 2020, 4:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I had a dear friend in my early teens, he would have perfectly fit Boos description. We were close, just like brother and sister. I was positive he was gay and I really didn't/don't care about peoples' sexuality, it really is none of my business. He never had a girlfriend. I wonder why I didn't ask him if he was gay. Several years later he asked me to marry him. So you really never know. I never discussed his sexuality with anyone else, just supposed he was gay, he was so lovely to talk to and emotionally intelligent, like a girlfriend. His mum was disappointed that we didn't get married.

Maybe it's convenient to assume a guy is gay when you don't understand him but I'm pretty sure it's deeply offensive for guys to speculate on female sexuality.

I don't want to be typecast as something I'm not just to make women more comfortable. That's a joke at my expense & a stereotype I don't want to suffer underneath.

I'll tell you what this NT woman wants. I want Bradd Pitts shoes under my bed. And Colin Firths'. Why not?

There are many reasons besides sexual identity that would prevent guys from ever meeting anyone. We've discussed most of that here, though only from an NT perspective & without any guys really saying how we feel about being silently judged as sexually irrelevant.

I feel like a totally worthless inanimate object in this context. Femenism totally failed to impart equality.

Hmmm why is it a joke at your expense? It's normal for humans to size each other up and gather information, if there is no ill intention and it's just observation, no mockery, purely examining another human being and establishing he is not a threat, is he artistic, Italian, smoking, fashion sense. Asian whatever that is an NT survival strategy, assessing people.

In Tiana's first thread here, when I asked what drew her to WP and what her personal relationship was, if any, to the topic of autism, she said here:


But I agree with those who have said that Tiana should spend some time getting to know us and telling us a little more about her own life before giving us more advice.

Some suggestions to Tiana:

1) Start a thread in the Getting to know each other sub-forum telling us some relevant parts of your life story, e.g. (a) how and why you were diagnosed with autism, (b) when and how you concluded that you were misdiagnosed and that your problem was just ignorance plus social anxiety, (c) how you learned social skills, and (d) how you overcame your social anxiety.

2) I also think it would be desirable if you could learn how to use the quote feature. The post I linked to above is extremely confusing due to the absence of any visual distinction between quotes and your reply. To use the quote feature, click the "Quote" button at the TOP of the specific message you are replying to.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 24 Feb 2020, 10:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

For what it's worth, all autistic people really want (from a guy's standpoint at least) is to be accepted enough to spend more time comfortably with people we care for.

Most of us aren't averse to making changes to make that happen but it seems like everyone is focused on ways we all have to conform instead of deviating from the norm whatsoever in order to be closer to people.

I like being clean, presentable & agreeable to women in any way I can. I work full time to make that happen & it takes all the energy I might ever use to keep in touch with anyone. I really wish I could find time for women in my life to talk about these things with me & I would value that tremendously. I get the vibe that's not about to happen. No one is open about ASD struggles in my personal life.

I don't think OP means any offense but accomplishing all this on a daily basis can be painfully exhausting for people with ASD. From what women are writing here it's difficult to see why I shouldn't give up. It's simply pointless to fight human nature. Perhaps it's good advice & I know I've been following it for years, I only feel more alone now than ever though.

I think Tiana is being nice to everybody. She's having a tough time relating but so do we all sometimes. Since she doesn't seem malicious, let's see what else...

I wonder what Tiana thinks AS men want? Or AS women? This could lead to some very neat conversations.

That's pretty much what I was asking. This inherently feels very one-sided. I really wish people would just tell us what they want us to know & share some honest feelings instead of making normative excuses for why they refuse to.

No, in that case I do not think that man speculating about woman's sexuality is seen as more offensive than woman speculating about man's sexuality.
Women are generally not nearly as worried that someone may perceive them as a lesbian as men are that someone may perceive them as gay. As a straight (but not homophobic) woman it'd not bother me if someone thought I was lesbian. At least once someone assumed that about me because I'm always single. I know a woman who is also perpetually single but additionally doesn't dress femininely who was met with that assumption. She might find it mildly annoying, but that's it. Some women even claim to be lesbian if a guy who's hitting on them won't back off.

People making assumptions about each other is normal. Socializing without drawing conclusions from what another person does/says simply does not work. Guessing people's sexuality is of course not nearly as crucial as guessing people's intentions (e.g. to avoid con artists), but even with sexuality some situations may be interpreted differently depending on sexuality and you can only react to one possible interpretation of a situation and not to all. Even if you know you are not certain you often have no choice but to act on some assumption about another person.

That said, some people go overboard with assuming homosexuality. If it is in response to being rejected or to someone not being interested it is often to protect their own ego rather than due to any actual evidence.

Her: I sent him so many signals and he didn't respond... Either I'm unattractive or he's gay... He's gay!
Him: <didn't notice any of the signals because he's autistic>

The problem is not about getting offended, it's about ruining his chances with the females in his social network if they get this false idea of him.