19 Jan 2021, 9:43 pm
Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:
Chain wrote:
If I only had NT friends like you who try to understand me by researching my differences, I would feel much less isolated. He would be lucky to have you stay in his life!
"virtual hug" and I hope you can be friends with him!
"virtual hug" and I hope you can be friends with him!
Wow, this is very supportive. Regardless of what I decide to do, I appreciate your input. *Virtual Hug* to you, as well. Thank you.
The fact is, he is an incredibly intelligent and unique man, and we really "get" each other because I'm likewise very rational-minded and largely unemotional (especially for a woman). I have also made great headway around understanding our differences (though perhaps too late).
Although a relationship won't work for us, we really "clicked" inter-personally. If were were able to continue a friendship, we would both benefit from the connection.
I do have hope that it will happen, ultimately.
... ... ...
What leads you to believe that it may be "too late" for you two???...Please elaborate...You may still stand a chance...
...To give him another chance, you are really giving yourself a chance...
19 Jan 2021, 9:53 pm
Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:
Thanks for the added advice. I did read Chain's input carefully, and it is helpful indeed. I'm very clear on where things went off-the-rails in our communication and inter-relating, and can certainly acknowledge my part.
But frankly -- while this particular Aspie has many excellent qualities -- taking responsibility for his role in our past miscommunications is not one of them. (Oh, he may seem apologetic or take ownership of his role initially, that's true. But after a day or two it will have morphed into him perceiving that I "criticized" or "attacked" him in some unanticipated way. This is usually followed by a few days of silence from him).
And I accept this about him. I'm a strong-minded woman and don't capitulate to this, which I think is something he respects. But it means that any overtures for friendship, and a proposed clear plan for making it a reality, will have to be delicately phrased.
But frankly -- while this particular Aspie has many excellent qualities -- taking responsibility for his role in our past miscommunications is not one of them. (Oh, he may seem apologetic or take ownership of his role initially, that's true. But after a day or two it will have morphed into him perceiving that I "criticized" or "attacked" him in some unanticipated way. This is usually followed by a few days of silence from him).
And I accept this about him. I'm a strong-minded woman and don't capitulate to this, which I think is something he respects. But it means that any overtures for friendship, and a proposed clear plan for making it a reality, will have to be delicately phrased.
... ... ...
What you are describing above is called "mind-blindness"...An autistic trait that makes it difficult for Aspies to understand the impact their words and/or behavior may have on us NTs...It really is NOT their fault...They do try with all their might to do well, but they have real limitations--emotional and social...
I think i am now beginning to understand the dynamics involved...You are still hurt...And you want an official apology by your Aspie...That may or may not happen...Simply because he may be unaware that he hurt you...We NTs cannot demand from our Aspie what nature and/or nurture did not give to them...But i assure you, based on my experience with my beloved (Aspie) husband, that the 'tools' they do have, they will use to love you and protect you wholeheartedly...
19 Jan 2021, 9:57 pm
19 Jan 2021, 10:10 pm
Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:
Hi Chain,
Thank you, very wise Prayer for sure.
To be clear, I'm not trying to change him -- to the contrary, I'm trying to adapt my potential "re-approach" towards friendship (should I chose to make one) with the knowledge that this sort of reciprocity around taking responsibility is not one of his many strengths.
So I'm assessing the situation using the express premise that this aspect of our connection will NOT change. And I'm trying to govern myself accordingly, when deciding what to do.
Appreciate your help especially, Chain.
Thank you, very wise Prayer for sure.
To be clear, I'm not trying to change him -- to the contrary, I'm trying to adapt my potential "re-approach" towards friendship (should I chose to make one) with the knowledge that this sort of reciprocity around taking responsibility is not one of his many strengths.
So I'm assessing the situation using the express premise that this aspect of our connection will NOT change. And I'm trying to govern myself accordingly, when deciding what to do.
Appreciate your help especially, Chain.
... ... ...
In my humble opinion, one can hardly change oneself...How is one to change somebody else???...This is hardly possible in the NT world...How much more difficult it is for those on the spectrum...However, we can take the initiative in whatever change we want to take place...And with our own example, we can inspire others to follow on our initiatives...This has been my experience in general but especially in the case of my beloved (Aspie) husband...He has made some important changes that have improved our relationship considerably...But i had to prove myself "worthy" as the "beneficiary" of said changes...Do i make sense???...
19 Jan 2021, 10:13 pm
jimmy m wrote:
Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:
Fnord wrote:
If it's a relationship she wants, then she would be better off to pursue a man who is interested in her.[/color]
Well, I said I love him, and I do. I believe he loves me. But I think a viable romantic relationship is probably not possible for us.
I'd be happy with friendship. I'd be UNhappy with NO connection at all.
It sounds like you desire a relationship with him be it romantic or friendship, so I vote YES.
So the first thing about dealing with Aspies is be direct. Speak your mind clearly and don't varnish things. Express your feelings clearly. But on the other hand, give him time to think things over.
Aspies tend to communicate better in writing than orally.
Also always be completely honest with him. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
... ... ...
Sound advice...Thank you...
19 Jan 2021, 10:20 pm
19 Jan 2021, 10:29 pm
Pepe wrote:
Chain wrote:
Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:
taking responsibility for his role in our past miscommunications is not one of them. (Oh, he may seem apologetic or take ownership of his role initially, that's true.
Lots of aspies are like this... it can be a real "mosh pit".
Remember the old serenity prayer?
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
You don't really need God for the wisdom part...
what you cannot change:
The Past
The Future
Other People
Your Feelings
what you can:
Your Attitude
You can hope he might change but you cannot change him. He needs to change his attitude but you can't change that. You can only admit your part and give him time to examine his. If he uses your part to make you feel bad... I would let him go.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the lightbulb has got to want to change.
... ... ...
Experts in human behavior say that people change after they experience a life or death experience...I tend to disagree...I think change can be brought about with the right motivation...With our own example, one can INSPIRE others to change for the better...When people are able to appreciate the short-term and long-term benefits, they are more willing to put into practice any behavioral changes...So, you are right on point as you often are: CHANGE COMES FROM WITHIN...And others can help by inspiring...
19 Jan 2021, 10:34 pm
Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:
Anyone have any input on the "perceived criticism" question of mine?
... ... ...
Mind-blindness and Alexithymia...Reseach it please...I recommend Mark Hutten's audios on youtube...Very informational...And very balanced and fair to both, the NT and the Aspie in the neuro-diverse relationship...
So, it was NOT your Aspie's fault that he became defensive with you...
19 Jan 2021, 10:39 pm
auntblabby wrote:
Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:
Anyone have any input on the "perceived criticism" question of mine?
YMMV, but in my experience, those of us on the spectrum tend to have a lot of "criticism baggage" that takes DECADES to offload and even then it is never totally offloaded IOW psychic scars remain for life and will forever [maladaptively] color our response to life in general, even the mildest critiques/differences in particular.
no matter what some of us want, hermithood is the only thing that "works" for us. i suspect your erstwhile mate may be in this situation. my breaks for him. 
he will be the one who ultimately decides to go one way or another.... ... ...
My heart breaks for him, too...
I don't know how many more break-ups he could endure...
19 Jan 2021, 11:05 pm
auntblabby wrote:
Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
have you tried positive feedback when he does get it right?
No. The best I had come up with, was to preface any comment that I thought he *might* take as criticism -- however remote the chance -- with words like, "this is not a criticism, only an observation but....." It hadn't occurred to me about the positive feedback, but as an NT it's a bit hard to be on the lookout for him "getting it right" since I can only rarely figure out or anticipate when I myself "get it wrong" (in his eyes) and am seen to be criticising. If the opportunity arises, I'll give it a whirl.
in my one and only relationship, neither of us had the presence of mind to think about such things, it all came and went too quickly. only in retrospect and much navel-gazing could i think of these things, as they were invisible at the time. never enough time... do keep in mind that some folk just are not compatible even on the most superficial [non-gonadal] level, with some folk it will always be a struggle, and you have to ask yourself "is it worth it for either of us"?
... ... ...
Auntblabbly...Thank you for bringing-up the topic of COMPATIBILITY...True, even in the world of NTs, many are hardly compatible...This is why the divorce rate is so high in America and other countries...Interestingly, "irreconcilable differences" is the common wording used when initiating a dissolution of marriage...How much more difficult and challenging is COMPATIBILITY in a neuro-diverse marriage...
If the NT goes into the relationship with selfish motives as in "What is in it for me?", the Aspie should run far and away...The NT is not the only one that gets hurt in these neuro-diverse relationships due to a lack of compatibility...In my humble opinion, it is the Aspie who is most hurt when the relationship fails...It is almost as if the Aspie blames himself for the failure to the extent that he thinks said failure(s) defines him...
On the other hand, when the match is a story of success, studies show that it results in the wellbeing of the Aspie...So, it really takes a special kind of woman to stay in this type of relationship...She must be very compassionate and patient and above all, altruistic or self-sacrificing...
In my courtship with he who became my beloved (Aspie) husband, i remember complaining once to him why he would never express his love to me with words...Shortly after, he surprised me with a flower arrangement of red roses and a cute little card hand-written by him in Spanish...In essence, it stated, that "The heart cannot speak but feels"...And i understood that he felt his love for me but was unable to express it in words...Love my Aspie, today, tomorrow, and always
auntblabby
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Location: the island of defective toy santas
19 Jan 2021, 11:10 pm
19 Jan 2021, 11:16 pm
Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:
Pepe wrote:
We are not aliens,
Well, most of us aren't.
Well, most of us aren't.
I'm firmly NT, but exceptionally rational/logical (especially for a female). So I really like the AS people I've met, even though -- yes -- you are all unique.
Thanks for your input. In case there's interest, i'll report back to let you all know how it went.
... ... ...
Yes, there are various personality-types in the NT world that are very rational/ logical...Most Aspies type as INTJs; and there are INTJs among NTs as well...Though it is not common for similar personalities to work-out...Actually, studies show that generally speaking similarities attract us to each other, like similar interests...But it is the differences that keep us together...Understandably so, two people must be different in order to complement each other...I know this to be true in the case of my neuro-diverse marriage...
19 Jan 2021, 11:29 pm
Jakki wrote:
Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:
Hmm. One vote in favor of reaching out. One vote against. I'm hoping for a tie-breaker post.
Take a chance , relationships are tough sometimes at best and if he made the last effort, he may consider it is your turn to reach out. All of this depends on his level of maturity. Occasionally it can feel very difficult for the best of Aspies to step out of their comfort zone . The best Longterm relationships start out as good friendships .
... ... ...
I agree with Jakki in that FRIENDSHIP is a great foundation for a romantic relationship...My beloved (Aspie) husband skipped the friendship phase with me...And we are still working on this important aspect of our marriage...
In my experience, there are three crucial elements to a happy marriage: FRIENDSHIP, MUTUAL TRUST and LOVE...My neuro-diverse marriage counts with LOVE...We are recovering the MUTUAL TRUST we had lost...And we never seem to have time to be FRIENDS...
19 Jan 2021, 11:58 pm
auntblabby wrote:
Happy_Fun_Ball wrote:
Auntiblabby .... I'm happy to have any and all input! Thank you!
I'm really just trying to understand, with no bitterness or condemnation. I'd love to know what sort of issues/events might have triggered him.
I'm really just trying to understand, with no bitterness or condemnation. I'd love to know what sort of issues/events might have triggered him.
speaking from my own experience, for whatever that is worth to anybody, i can tell you that i was/am an omega male, outranked by everybody else [even women], and if a female friend [very rare in my experience] said something [about another man] like "gee, that guy is sharp!" i would go silent. i could not handle the competition. the stress of it trended me towards a meltdown.
... ... ...
This is very insightful...It would never cross my mind that my beloved (Aspie) husband as self-confident as he appears to be, and knowing how much i love him, would be jealous of another man...From hereon, i will be more careful with my conversations not to unintentionally provoke a reaction from him...
20 Jan 2021, 12:13 am
auntblabby wrote:
^^^No sabía que hablabas español.
... ... ...
What a pleasant surprise...I studied French as well...I even won regional contests when in high school...But i have not practice it since high school...Still, if i listen to it, it gradually comes back...
My beloved (Aspie) husband speaks 4 of the latin languages, two of which at the beginners level...I think he has Linguistic Intelligence...Our common language is Spanish, which in my view is far more romantic than English...
auntblabby
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20 Jan 2021, 12:21 am
Clueless2017 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
^^^No sabía que hablabas español.
... ... ...
What a pleasant surprise...I studied French as well...I even won regional contests when in high school...But i have not practice it since high school...Still, if i listen to it, it gradually comes back...
My beloved (Aspie) husband speaks 4 of the latin languages, two of which at the beginners level...I think he has Linguistic Intelligence...Our common language is Spanish, which in my view is far more romantic than English...
let me guess, you both sing as well? like opera?
