08 Dec 2020, 8:53 pm
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Steffipanda wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
Steffipanda wrote:
We do not choose who we fall in love with. I have never consciously looked at someone and thought I will fall in love them. We choose who we pursue and date but not who we fall in love with.
... ... ...
This has been my experience, also...I must agree...Maybe, we both base our decisions on FEELING and not LOGIC...While others may differ, basing their decisions on LOGIC not FEELING...So this last group, unlike you and i, may have more control over who they 'choose' to love...
Love is a feeling that happens with time and connection and chemistry and commitment. I use logic to decide who to pursue and date. I need similar interests and values and intelligence and views on life to even begin to be interested in someone. Logic to find possibility of love. But love happens without choice as it is a feeling first then an action. Does that make sense?
I agree with this too. I've met some men who are very logical choices for me, we have similar interests and goals, but we just didn't click. There was nothing more than mere acquaintanceship, no friendship even grew, no matter how many times we interacted or spent time around each other.
It can't just be a logical choice. There are other factors.
I think it's funny how people find that love "just happens" for them. Nothing at all ever happens for me.
I have had feelings for men, but never reciprocated. I'm not a stone. I had feelings. But nowt ever grows.
... ... ...
This was my case as well...Aside from my first young love in my teens...Later, my attempts at love failed grossly...Time and again...To be specific three times...To the extent that i concluded that the man for me did not exist!! !...Still, i believed in love, that i 'happens' to others...And that it would not ever 'happen' to me...Suffice to say, i am elated that i was wrong in my conclusion...Best wishes to you while you wait for love to 'happen' to you...
"Romantic luv" has been "designed" by evolution, for the porpoise of reproducing. [squeak]
If you are an oxytocin junky, outside of the reproduction age range, that is up to you, but you aren't doing it "right".
Romantic luv is called "The Madness" for a good reason.
Platonic luv can be as powerful as romantic luv, and in my mind, a "greater" experience, since it incorporates the intellect more so than the emotional component.
I'd rather rationality be in control than unruly, undisciplined emotionalism.
... ... ...
Why can we have it all???...
Because people in romantic luv do stupid emotional things, d'uh.
It is "The Madness".
Aren't you paying attention?
Clueless2017 wrote:
I mean the physical attraction/chemistry/romantic love + love based on principles, rational (what i call the meeting of the minds) + fraternal love/family love...If one form of love is lacking in the relationship at any given moment, then the relationship may still survive with the other forms of love...Am i making any sense???...
I am talking about "Romantic Luv".
It is silly.
People should stop doing it.
Clueless2017 wrote:
As to my beloved (Aspie) husband and i, until we were married--finally living together--we became friends...Initially, we were attracted to each other physically, just like two teenagers in love...
Are you sure you weren't in "Lust", rather than in luv?
Clueless2017 wrote:
Thankfully, at the same time, we could see qualities in each other that made us good prospects...So far, I think we are good for each other...Now married, the initial attraction is been replaced by something deeper and more lasting...
Yes, it will last for about 7 years.
Have you heard about "The 7 Year Itch"?
Quote:
The seven-year itch is a popular belief, sometimes quoted as having psychological backing, that happiness in a marriage or long-term romantic relationship declines after around seven years.[1]
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_seven-year_itch
My suggestion: Keep in good physical shape.
Clueless2017 wrote:
And in recent times, we are becoming close friends also...We feel the love for one another...We see each other in our future...I suppose that as any and every marriage, WE ARE A WORK IN PROGRESS
Post Script: As to platonic love...BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN is and always will be my platonic love ..I discovered him at age 13 before he became famous...The best story-teller of all times, according to me...
Post Script: As to platonic love...BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN is and always will be my platonic love ..I discovered him at age 13 before he became famous...The best story-teller of all times, according to me...
Platonic luv rulz.
... ... ...
Yes!! !...You are right!! !...It was romantic love for months (lust)...And it was AWESOME!! !...No regrets, here...Totally worth feeling and acting stupid
...But it was lust with "Mr. Right"...I mean he had the qualities to justify my being crazy for him...And i was "Mrs. Right" (and still am) to justify him being crazy for me...That phase has been replaced for a stronger commitment that is called "The Institution of Marriage"...And with it, a more lasting and deeper feeling of love, a very special bond that is hard to break...(Married couples would understand what i am stating here)...By the way, i am very well aware of the dangerous 7th year of any relationship...But before i worry about the 7th year, i must worry about surviving the 3rd year of my marriage...Let me explain...When working in the legal profession, i often enjoyed lunch in the company of a female attorney who specialized in dissolutions of marriage...She was qualified to write a book on the topic...Per her experience, 1/2 of marriages end in divorce court within the first year of their marriage...But those that survive it must worry about the 3rd, and the 5th, and the 7th, and last when their youngest graduates high school...Still, i believe love never fails...Although my parents, who have been together since their teens, have struggled in their marriage...They have been married for appx 5 decades, and they are happier than ever...
Having said all of the above, i will not worry about reaching the 3rd year mark...Instead, i will focus on celebrating my second wedding anniversary which is soon coming-up...Last year, being our first, my husband did not celebrate with me; but, he was a respectful observant...And i am happy with his effort...In these times of the pandemic, i am just glad that we are relatively healthy and together...
08 Dec 2020, 9:06 pm
hurtloam wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
Thankfully, we met at a place of worship, both volunteering for the same cause, surrounded by mutual friends...So, that in and of itself said a lot about him...That he has a spiritual inclination...That he is a humanitarian...And that he is good-hearted...So, there was a foundation, a common ground, on which we could build something more lasting than physical attraction...Am i making sense???...So technically speaking, it felt like puppy love, but with the benefit of having some life experience from both sides...
Sorry, this struck a sore point with me. Let me tell you a story about someone in very similar circumstances.
He humiliated me as a joke in front of a whole group of people... and was given more responsibility the week after because no one picked up on his joke. That was 5 years ago and I'm still angry with him. It was pretty obvious he and his friend had dared each other to slip something funny into their presentations they were giving in front of the group. What his friend said about his wife was actually really sweet, she blushed, we all had a giggle, but the dude who said something to me, in front of everyone, I don't know what he was thinking. It was creepy and unkind.
Just because a man has responsibility and does volunteer work, doesn't mean squat. It could be an act. He could be a creep deep down. He could go through the motions of doing all of the visual "right things" like fixing up people's homes, managing the club/church accounts or whatever, but have no empathy for other human beings. Us singles still have to be careful, even if the people around us are doing "good things."
To be fair, a friend did warn me about him (the same one who thought I was going to run off with the Face of Boo though, so I thought she was being petty again), but I thought he was doing well at this point and I thought I had a genuine shot. Nope, just another player. On paper, he's doing well. On paper, he's doing the right things.
... ... ...
I have to give you all the credit on your reasoning...Sadly true, there are 'walking-frauds' everywhere, churches inclusive...I hope you agree with me in that the odds of meeting someone decent are better, volunteering for a good cause surrounded by true friends (in a course of months); as oppose to meeting a total stranger at a night-club...I hope you understand my reasoning, too...Fortunately for me, I am good at reading people due to my strong intuition...Thank God...
08 Dec 2020, 9:27 pm
hurtloam wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Ah ha! Then I agree with you.
You know what's not a good situation. Puppy love with someone who doesn't want to be with you, but who does like you generally and is a romantic and never lets the ember die and you keep having to set boundaries with them and they with you. It was a bit like a fire that we didn't really want, but was nice and warm all the same, so it was nice to keep it going.
That wasn't fun. I've no idea what we were doing. I was too young to figure out how to control these stupid chemicals and he was too nice to tell me to go away. These days, there is no way I would let that situation unfold.
I check in with him every-now and then just to make sure he's still alive and doing ok, but I'm still annoyed about how it all went down.
That was limerance for sure.
You know what's not a good situation. Puppy love with someone who doesn't want to be with you, but who does like you generally and is a romantic and never lets the ember die and you keep having to set boundaries with them and they with you. It was a bit like a fire that we didn't really want, but was nice and warm all the same, so it was nice to keep it going.
That wasn't fun. I've no idea what we were doing. I was too young to figure out how to control these stupid chemicals and he was too nice to tell me to go away. These days, there is no way I would let that situation unfold.
I check in with him every-now and then just to make sure he's still alive and doing ok, but I'm still annoyed about how it all went down.
That was limerance for sure.
... ... ...
I have personally never found myself in a situation as such, wherein i like someone; but he only enjoys the attention without the commitment...That is not fair for he or she who desires more than a friendship...We should never allow that to happen to us!! !...
Ah, well, I have the same attitude as you, so I was confused about why he would still encourage the attention if he wasn't actually interested. Also, having that outlook and being an aspie who is very literal, you can see how it would be easy for me to be fooled.
I've got to say though, it's really difficult to figure out who is really interested and who is not. Even guys who have "high standards" that don't sleep around. They will spend time with you to get to know you, nothing serious, but do take an interest. And that's a lot for someone like me who has never had a proper boyfriend. You think, maybe this one really does like me, but they seem to only want to spend a bit of time with me until they meet the one and are serious with her and want to marry her. It's amazing how this keeps happening to me.
You say
Quote:
We should never allow that to happen to us!!
That's horribly patronising. I know so many women that this has happened to and the guys were "good guys". Just careful enough to be able to deny that they led her on and they can say she was reading too much into it, just careful enough not to get into trouble, but not careful enough to have any compassion for how other people feel or take into account that these women never get any interest, so that little bit of interest is huge to these women.
And because of these idiots, you get the shy ones who never make a move in case they get tangled up or people think they're a player when they're not.
If men and women talked to each other more then there wouldn't be this big thing when someone crosses over from their blokey social circle and actually talks to you.
That's why I'm done with this horrible dating thing. It's just a farce.
... ... ...
Oh, oh!! !...So, you are beginning to see a pattern
...Men do like you...ENOUGH that they enjoy your company as a friend...They are not taking advantage of you in any way, not even for sexual favors, as it often happens between 'friends with benefits'...So, it is quite evident that they do like you very much...Sadly, it is also quite evident that so far none of them has liked you ENOUGH to court you as a future partner...If this scenario repeats itself, then i must warn you: It is not them; it is you
...There is something in your demeanor, what you say to them or how you act around them, that sends the message "I am not available romantically"...Because you acknowledge that you have noticed a pattern, i invite you to do an honest self-exam to try to figure out what you are doing that discourages them...Perhaps, you could inquire from those closest to you if they notice something that you may be doing that sabotages your prospective relationships Post Script: i suspect you really enjoy being single and the freedom that comes with it
09 Dec 2020, 4:30 am
As I was typing my response yesterday and reflecting on what you had said, I did have a light bulb moment. I'm actually attractive . It's not like I've had zero attention.
I've heard a lot of aspies who are attractive saying this. They get interest because of how they look, but their way of communication, what they're interested in etc. is disappointing for the NT.
It's the best life ever... unless you're an aspie, then it's an uphill struggle.
Everyone's opinion on the why I'm putting men off is different. Some say I'm too independent. Some say I'm trying too hard and I need to be less obviously interested and if I "stop trying, then I'll meet someone." Such wildly contradictory statements tell me that no one really knows and they are saying things for the sake of saying things, like NTs do, because they don't want me to cry. Other people tell me just to be content with what I've got. That's making more sense to me theses days.
Also, if there's less men in your social circle of "working towards a cause", but that's the kind of man you want, then the weird aspie girl isn't what men will choose. Why would they, when there are 20 normal women to choose from?
You're new here. You didn't see the massive meltdown I had last year. My enjoying my independence has taken me 20 years of adulthood to achieve. Someone really hurt me. I thought I had finally found someone who was genuinely interested, but he changed, turned on a sixpence and it was nothing at all. That was the last straw. I have to be content on my own otherwise I'll crumple. And this was someone with similar interests to me. I finally found someone as weird as me. I walked away crying, not so much because of feelings for him, but because I knew that this was my last chance and it was over for me. Finally someone had asked me out, but I still wasn't good enough. I've got tears in my eyes typing this. It won't happen for me.
I can't keep on trying to be "better", I've tried and tried and tried. I know the problem is me, but I'm an aspie. I am burned out by trying to have an attractive personality and be available enough to say, "hey I'm interested," but not so available that I look desperate and put men off. It's really difficult and I'm broken because of it.
I'm unhappy, and I am physically unwell, I didn't want to be alone, so I have to find contentment in what I have and that means no dating. Anyway, there's no one my age left, so it's not like I've got any options anyway.
09 Dec 2020, 10:01 pm
hurtloam wrote:
As I was typing my response yesterday and reflecting on what you had said, I did have a light bulb moment. I'm actually attractive . It's not like I've had zero attention.
I've heard a lot of aspies who are attractive saying this. They get interest because of how they look, but their way of communication, what they're interested in etc. is disappointing for the NT.
It's the best life ever... unless you're an aspie, then it's an uphill struggle.
Everyone's opinion on the why I'm putting men off is different. Some say I'm too independent. Some say I'm trying too hard and I need to be less obviously interested and if I "stop trying, then I'll meet someone." Such wildly contradictory statements tell me that no one really knows and they are saying things for the sake of saying things, like NTs do, because they don't want me to cry. Other people tell me just to be content with what I've got. That's making more sense to me theses days.
Also, if there's less men in your social circle of "working towards a cause", but that's the kind of man you want, then the weird aspie girl isn't what men will choose. Why would they, when there are 20 normal women to choose from?
You're new here. You didn't see the massive meltdown I had last year. My enjoying my independence has taken me 20 years of adulthood to achieve. Someone really hurt me. I thought I had finally found someone who was genuinely interested, but he changed, turned on a sixpence and it was nothing at all. That was the last straw. I have to be content on my own otherwise I'll crumple. And this was someone with similar interests to me. I finally found someone as weird as me. I walked away crying, not so much because of feelings for him, but because I knew that this was my last chance and it was over for me. Finally someone had asked me out, but I still wasn't good enough. I've got tears in my eyes typing this. It won't happen for me.
I can't keep on trying to be "better", I've tried and tried and tried. I know the problem is me, but I'm an aspie. I am burned out by trying to have an attractive personality and be available enough to say, "hey I'm interested," but not so available that I look desperate and put men off. It's really difficult and I'm broken because of it.
I'm unhappy, and I am physically unwell, I didn't want to be alone, so I have to find contentment in what I have and that means no dating. Anyway, there's no one my age left, so it's not like I've got any options anyway.
. It's not like I've had zero attention.I've heard a lot of aspies who are attractive saying this. They get interest because of how they look, but their way of communication, what they're interested in etc. is disappointing for the NT.
It's the best life ever... unless you're an aspie, then it's an uphill struggle.
Everyone's opinion on the why I'm putting men off is different. Some say I'm too independent. Some say I'm trying too hard and I need to be less obviously interested and if I "stop trying, then I'll meet someone." Such wildly contradictory statements tell me that no one really knows and they are saying things for the sake of saying things, like NTs do, because they don't want me to cry. Other people tell me just to be content with what I've got. That's making more sense to me theses days.
Also, if there's less men in your social circle of "working towards a cause", but that's the kind of man you want, then the weird aspie girl isn't what men will choose. Why would they, when there are 20 normal women to choose from?
You're new here. You didn't see the massive meltdown I had last year. My enjoying my independence has taken me 20 years of adulthood to achieve. Someone really hurt me. I thought I had finally found someone who was genuinely interested, but he changed, turned on a sixpence and it was nothing at all. That was the last straw. I have to be content on my own otherwise I'll crumple. And this was someone with similar interests to me. I finally found someone as weird as me. I walked away crying, not so much because of feelings for him, but because I knew that this was my last chance and it was over for me. Finally someone had asked me out, but I still wasn't good enough. I've got tears in my eyes typing this. It won't happen for me.
I can't keep on trying to be "better", I've tried and tried and tried. I know the problem is me, but I'm an aspie. I am burned out by trying to have an attractive personality and be available enough to say, "hey I'm interested," but not so available that I look desperate and put men off. It's really difficult and I'm broken because of it.
I'm unhappy, and I am physically unwell, I didn't want to be alone, so I have to find contentment in what I have and that means no dating. Anyway, there's no one my age left, so it's not like I've got any options anyway.
... ... ...
I would like to tell you that i totally and completely understand you...But that would be a lie...Still, as i read you, my heart bends towards you...And i feel your pain but also your admirable strength...
It was not easy for me to organize bridal showers for friends and attend their weddings, and genuinely be happy for them...Yet, at the same time, be sad for me
...Sad for me, because in my youth and later in life, i had met various suitors...All handsome, good-hearted, and very capable of making any woman happy...Except me...Inasmuch as i tried to fall in love, i could not see myself with any of them in my future...And so, as young as age 25, I gave-up on love...I was convinced that after my (platonic) love from adolescence, i would never ever love again...I was convinced that the man for me did not exist...And so, i focused on myself, my immediate family, the pursuit of a higher education, my career, the rearing of my beloved niece and beloved nephew who i helped raise, my congregation friends...And so, my glass was full...I reached contentment in my singleness...My singleness because that is all that i had...And like you, i wanted to make the best of it...
Yet after a series of personal setbacks, in a moment of weakness, i felt a void in my chest...And so, around age 46, i prayed for a husband...And as unbelievable as it may seem to you, approx. 3 or 4 months after, when i had already forgotten about my prayer, i met he who became my beloved (Aspie) husband...And the rest is history...LIFE LESSON: Never underestimate the power of prayer...
Last edited by Clueless2017 on 09 Dec 2020, 10:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
09 Dec 2020, 10:06 pm
Clueless2017 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
As I was typing my response yesterday and reflecting on what you had said, I did have a light bulb moment. I'm actually attractive . It's not like I've had zero attention.
I've heard a lot of aspies who are attractive saying this. They get interest because of how they look, but their way of communication, what they're interested in etc. is disappointing for the NT.
It's the best life ever... unless you're an aspie, then it's an uphill struggle.
Everyone's opinion on the why I'm putting men off is different. Some say I'm too independent. Some say I'm trying too hard and I need to be less obviously interested and if I "stop trying, then I'll meet someone." Such wildly contradictory statements tell me that no one really knows and they are saying things for the sake of saying things, like NTs do, because they don't want me to cry. Other people tell me just to be content with what I've got. That's making more sense to me theses days.
Also, if there's less men in your social circle of "working towards a cause", but that's the kind of man you want, then the weird aspie girl isn't what men will choose. Why would they, when there are 20 normal women to choose from?
You're new here. You didn't see the massive meltdown I had last year. My enjoying my independence has taken me 20 years of adulthood to achieve. Someone really hurt me. I thought I had finally found someone who was genuinely interested, but he changed, turned on a sixpence and it was nothing at all. That was the last straw. I have to be content on my own otherwise I'll crumple. And this was someone with similar interests to me. I finally found someone as weird as me. I walked away crying, not so much because of feelings for him, but because I knew that this was my last chance and it was over for me. Finally someone had asked me out, but I still wasn't good enough. I've got tears in my eyes typing this. It won't happen for me.
I can't keep on trying to be "better", I've tried and tried and tried. I know the problem is me, but I'm an aspie. I am burned out by trying to have an attractive personality and be available enough to say, "hey I'm interested," but not so available that I look desperate and put men off. It's really difficult and I'm broken because of it.
I'm unhappy, and I am physically unwell, I didn't want to be alone, so I have to find contentment in what I have and that means no dating. Anyway, there's no one my age left, so it's not like I've got any options anyway.
. It's not like I've had zero attention.I've heard a lot of aspies who are attractive saying this. They get interest because of how they look, but their way of communication, what they're interested in etc. is disappointing for the NT.
It's the best life ever... unless you're an aspie, then it's an uphill struggle.
Everyone's opinion on the why I'm putting men off is different. Some say I'm too independent. Some say I'm trying too hard and I need to be less obviously interested and if I "stop trying, then I'll meet someone." Such wildly contradictory statements tell me that no one really knows and they are saying things for the sake of saying things, like NTs do, because they don't want me to cry. Other people tell me just to be content with what I've got. That's making more sense to me theses days.
Also, if there's less men in your social circle of "working towards a cause", but that's the kind of man you want, then the weird aspie girl isn't what men will choose. Why would they, when there are 20 normal women to choose from?
You're new here. You didn't see the massive meltdown I had last year. My enjoying my independence has taken me 20 years of adulthood to achieve. Someone really hurt me. I thought I had finally found someone who was genuinely interested, but he changed, turned on a sixpence and it was nothing at all. That was the last straw. I have to be content on my own otherwise I'll crumple. And this was someone with similar interests to me. I finally found someone as weird as me. I walked away crying, not so much because of feelings for him, but because I knew that this was my last chance and it was over for me. Finally someone had asked me out, but I still wasn't good enough. I've got tears in my eyes typing this. It won't happen for me.
I can't keep on trying to be "better", I've tried and tried and tried. I know the problem is me, but I'm an aspie. I am burned out by trying to have an attractive personality and be available enough to say, "hey I'm interested," but not so available that I look desperate and put men off. It's really difficult and I'm broken because of it.
I'm unhappy, and I am physically unwell, I didn't want to be alone, so I have to find contentment in what I have and that means no dating. Anyway, there's no one my age left, so it's not like I've got any options anyway.
... ... ...
I would like to tell you that i totally and completely understand you...But that would be a lie...Still, as i read you, my heart bends towards you...And i feel your pain but also your admirable strength...
It was not easy for me to organize bridal showers for friends and attend their weddings, and genuinely be happy for them...Yet, at the same time, be sad for me
...Sad for me, because in my youth and later in life, i had met various suitors...All handsome, good-hearted, and very capable of making any woman happy...Except me...Inasmuch as i tried to fall in love, i could not see myself with any of them in my future...And so, as young as age 25, I gave-up on love...I was convinced that after my (platonic) love from adolescence, i would never ever love again...I was convinced that the man for me did not exist...And so, i focused on myself, my immediate family, the pursuit of a higher education, my career, the rearing of my beloved niece and beloved nephew who i helped raise, my congregation friends...And so, my glass was full...I reached contentment in my singleness...
Yet after a series of personal setbacks, in a moment of weakness, i felt a void in my chest...And so, around age 46, i prayed for a husband...And as unbelievable as it may seem to you, approx. 3 or 4 months after, when i had already forgotten about my prayer, i met he who became my beloved (Aspie) husband...And the rest is history...LIFE LESSON: Never underestimate the power of prayer...
I prayed to be handsome, rich and 30 years younger.
Nothin'.
09 Dec 2020, 10:10 pm
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
As I was typing my response yesterday and reflecting on what you had said, I did have a light bulb moment. I'm actually attractive . It's not like I've had zero attention.
I've heard a lot of aspies who are attractive saying this. They get interest because of how they look, but their way of communication, what they're interested in etc. is disappointing for the NT.
It's the best life ever... unless you're an aspie, then it's an uphill struggle.
Everyone's opinion on the why I'm putting men off is different. Some say I'm too independent. Some say I'm trying too hard and I need to be less obviously interested and if I "stop trying, then I'll meet someone." Such wildly contradictory statements tell me that no one really knows and they are saying things for the sake of saying things, like NTs do, because they don't want me to cry. Other people tell me just to be content with what I've got. That's making more sense to me theses days.
Also, if there's less men in your social circle of "working towards a cause", but that's the kind of man you want, then the weird aspie girl isn't what men will choose. Why would they, when there are 20 normal women to choose from?
You're new here. You didn't see the massive meltdown I had last year. My enjoying my independence has taken me 20 years of adulthood to achieve. Someone really hurt me. I thought I had finally found someone who was genuinely interested, but he changed, turned on a sixpence and it was nothing at all. That was the last straw. I have to be content on my own otherwise I'll crumple. And this was someone with similar interests to me. I finally found someone as weird as me. I walked away crying, not so much because of feelings for him, but because I knew that this was my last chance and it was over for me. Finally someone had asked me out, but I still wasn't good enough. I've got tears in my eyes typing this. It won't happen for me.
I can't keep on trying to be "better", I've tried and tried and tried. I know the problem is me, but I'm an aspie. I am burned out by trying to have an attractive personality and be available enough to say, "hey I'm interested," but not so available that I look desperate and put men off. It's really difficult and I'm broken because of it.
I'm unhappy, and I am physically unwell, I didn't want to be alone, so I have to find contentment in what I have and that means no dating. Anyway, there's no one my age left, so it's not like I've got any options anyway.
. It's not like I've had zero attention.I've heard a lot of aspies who are attractive saying this. They get interest because of how they look, but their way of communication, what they're interested in etc. is disappointing for the NT.
It's the best life ever... unless you're an aspie, then it's an uphill struggle.
Everyone's opinion on the why I'm putting men off is different. Some say I'm too independent. Some say I'm trying too hard and I need to be less obviously interested and if I "stop trying, then I'll meet someone." Such wildly contradictory statements tell me that no one really knows and they are saying things for the sake of saying things, like NTs do, because they don't want me to cry. Other people tell me just to be content with what I've got. That's making more sense to me theses days.
Also, if there's less men in your social circle of "working towards a cause", but that's the kind of man you want, then the weird aspie girl isn't what men will choose. Why would they, when there are 20 normal women to choose from?
You're new here. You didn't see the massive meltdown I had last year. My enjoying my independence has taken me 20 years of adulthood to achieve. Someone really hurt me. I thought I had finally found someone who was genuinely interested, but he changed, turned on a sixpence and it was nothing at all. That was the last straw. I have to be content on my own otherwise I'll crumple. And this was someone with similar interests to me. I finally found someone as weird as me. I walked away crying, not so much because of feelings for him, but because I knew that this was my last chance and it was over for me. Finally someone had asked me out, but I still wasn't good enough. I've got tears in my eyes typing this. It won't happen for me.
I can't keep on trying to be "better", I've tried and tried and tried. I know the problem is me, but I'm an aspie. I am burned out by trying to have an attractive personality and be available enough to say, "hey I'm interested," but not so available that I look desperate and put men off. It's really difficult and I'm broken because of it.
I'm unhappy, and I am physically unwell, I didn't want to be alone, so I have to find contentment in what I have and that means no dating. Anyway, there's no one my age left, so it's not like I've got any options anyway.
... ... ...
I would like to tell you that i totally and completely understand you...But that would be a lie...Still, as i read you, my heart bends towards you...And i feel your pain but also your admirable strength...
It was not easy for me to organize bridal showers for friends and attend their weddings, and genuinely be happy for them...Yet, at the same time, be sad for me
...Sad for me, because in my youth and later in life, i had met various suitors...All handsome, good-hearted, and very capable of making any woman happy...Except me...Inasmuch as i tried to fall in love, i could not see myself with any of them in my future...And so, as young as age 25, I gave-up on love...I was convinced that after my (platonic) love from adolescence, i would never ever love again...I was convinced that the man for me did not exist...And so, i focused on myself, my immediate family, the pursuit of a higher education, my career, the rearing of my beloved niece and beloved nephew who i helped raise, my congregation friends...And so, my glass was full...I reached contentment in my singleness...
Yet after a series of personal setbacks, in a moment of weakness, i felt a void in my chest...And so, around age 46, i prayed for a husband...And as unbelievable as it may seem to you, approx. 3 or 4 months after, when i had already forgotten about my prayer, i met he who became my beloved (Aspie) husband...And the rest is history...LIFE LESSON: Never underestimate the power of prayer...
I prayed to be handsome, rich and 30 years younger.
Nothin'.
... ... ...
Thank you for being here...Thank you for your great sense of humor...Thank you for supporting your friends in WP, always...
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,330
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
10 Dec 2020, 12:03 am
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
As I was typing my response yesterday and reflecting on what you had said, I did have a light bulb moment. I'm actually attractive . It's not like I've had zero attention.
I've heard a lot of aspies who are attractive saying this. They get interest because of how they look, but their way of communication, what they're interested in etc. is disappointing for the NT.
It's the best life ever... unless you're an aspie, then it's an uphill struggle.
Everyone's opinion on the why I'm putting men off is different. Some say I'm too independent. Some say I'm trying too hard and I need to be less obviously interested and if I "stop trying, then I'll meet someone." Such wildly contradictory statements tell me that no one really knows and they are saying things for the sake of saying things, like NTs do, because they don't want me to cry. Other people tell me just to be content with what I've got. That's making more sense to me theses days.
Also, if there's less men in your social circle of "working towards a cause", but that's the kind of man you want, then the weird aspie girl isn't what men will choose. Why would they, when there are 20 normal women to choose from?
You're new here. You didn't see the massive meltdown I had last year. My enjoying my independence has taken me 20 years of adulthood to achieve. Someone really hurt me. I thought I had finally found someone who was genuinely interested, but he changed, turned on a sixpence and it was nothing at all. That was the last straw. I have to be content on my own otherwise I'll crumple. And this was someone with similar interests to me. I finally found someone as weird as me. I walked away crying, not so much because of feelings for him, but because I knew that this was my last chance and it was over for me. Finally someone had asked me out, but I still wasn't good enough. I've got tears in my eyes typing this. It won't happen for me.
I can't keep on trying to be "better", I've tried and tried and tried. I know the problem is me, but I'm an aspie. I am burned out by trying to have an attractive personality and be available enough to say, "hey I'm interested," but not so available that I look desperate and put men off. It's really difficult and I'm broken because of it.
I'm unhappy, and I am physically unwell, I didn't want to be alone, so I have to find contentment in what I have and that means no dating. Anyway, there's no one my age left, so it's not like I've got any options anyway.
. It's not like I've had zero attention.I've heard a lot of aspies who are attractive saying this. They get interest because of how they look, but their way of communication, what they're interested in etc. is disappointing for the NT.
It's the best life ever... unless you're an aspie, then it's an uphill struggle.
Everyone's opinion on the why I'm putting men off is different. Some say I'm too independent. Some say I'm trying too hard and I need to be less obviously interested and if I "stop trying, then I'll meet someone." Such wildly contradictory statements tell me that no one really knows and they are saying things for the sake of saying things, like NTs do, because they don't want me to cry. Other people tell me just to be content with what I've got. That's making more sense to me theses days.
Also, if there's less men in your social circle of "working towards a cause", but that's the kind of man you want, then the weird aspie girl isn't what men will choose. Why would they, when there are 20 normal women to choose from?
You're new here. You didn't see the massive meltdown I had last year. My enjoying my independence has taken me 20 years of adulthood to achieve. Someone really hurt me. I thought I had finally found someone who was genuinely interested, but he changed, turned on a sixpence and it was nothing at all. That was the last straw. I have to be content on my own otherwise I'll crumple. And this was someone with similar interests to me. I finally found someone as weird as me. I walked away crying, not so much because of feelings for him, but because I knew that this was my last chance and it was over for me. Finally someone had asked me out, but I still wasn't good enough. I've got tears in my eyes typing this. It won't happen for me.
I can't keep on trying to be "better", I've tried and tried and tried. I know the problem is me, but I'm an aspie. I am burned out by trying to have an attractive personality and be available enough to say, "hey I'm interested," but not so available that I look desperate and put men off. It's really difficult and I'm broken because of it.
I'm unhappy, and I am physically unwell, I didn't want to be alone, so I have to find contentment in what I have and that means no dating. Anyway, there's no one my age left, so it's not like I've got any options anyway.
... ... ...
I would like to tell you that i totally and completely understand you...But that would be a lie...Still, as i read you, my heart bends towards you...And i feel your pain but also your admirable strength...
It was not easy for me to organize bridal showers for friends and attend their weddings, and genuinely be happy for them...Yet, at the same time, be sad for me
...Sad for me, because in my youth and later in life, i had met various suitors...All handsome, good-hearted, and very capable of making any woman happy...Except me...Inasmuch as i tried to fall in love, i could not see myself with any of them in my future...And so, as young as age 25, I gave-up on love...I was convinced that after my (platonic) love from adolescence, i would never ever love again...I was convinced that the man for me did not exist...And so, i focused on myself, my immediate family, the pursuit of a higher education, my career, the rearing of my beloved niece and beloved nephew who i helped raise, my congregation friends...And so, my glass was full...I reached contentment in my singleness...
Yet after a series of personal setbacks, in a moment of weakness, i felt a void in my chest...And so, around age 46, i prayed for a husband...And as unbelievable as it may seem to you, approx. 3 or 4 months after, when i had already forgotten about my prayer, i met he who became my beloved (Aspie) husband...And the rest is history...LIFE LESSON: Never underestimate the power of prayer...
I prayed to be handsome, rich and 30 years younger.
Nothin'.
The god of skunks sucks.
10 Dec 2020, 5:41 am
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
As I was typing my response yesterday and reflecting on what you had said, I did have a light bulb moment. I'm actually attractive . It's not like I've had zero attention.
I've heard a lot of aspies who are attractive saying this. They get interest because of how they look, but their way of communication, what they're interested in etc. is disappointing for the NT.
It's the best life ever... unless you're an aspie, then it's an uphill struggle.
Everyone's opinion on the why I'm putting men off is different. Some say I'm too independent. Some say I'm trying too hard and I need to be less obviously interested and if I "stop trying, then I'll meet someone." Such wildly contradictory statements tell me that no one really knows and they are saying things for the sake of saying things, like NTs do, because they don't want me to cry. Other people tell me just to be content with what I've got. That's making more sense to me theses days.
Also, if there's less men in your social circle of "working towards a cause", but that's the kind of man you want, then the weird aspie girl isn't what men will choose. Why would they, when there are 20 normal women to choose from?
You're new here. You didn't see the massive meltdown I had last year. My enjoying my independence has taken me 20 years of adulthood to achieve. Someone really hurt me. I thought I had finally found someone who was genuinely interested, but he changed, turned on a sixpence and it was nothing at all. That was the last straw. I have to be content on my own otherwise I'll crumple. And this was someone with similar interests to me. I finally found someone as weird as me. I walked away crying, not so much because of feelings for him, but because I knew that this was my last chance and it was over for me. Finally someone had asked me out, but I still wasn't good enough. I've got tears in my eyes typing this. It won't happen for me.
I can't keep on trying to be "better", I've tried and tried and tried. I know the problem is me, but I'm an aspie. I am burned out by trying to have an attractive personality and be available enough to say, "hey I'm interested," but not so available that I look desperate and put men off. It's really difficult and I'm broken because of it.
I'm unhappy, and I am physically unwell, I didn't want to be alone, so I have to find contentment in what I have and that means no dating. Anyway, there's no one my age left, so it's not like I've got any options anyway.
. It's not like I've had zero attention.I've heard a lot of aspies who are attractive saying this. They get interest because of how they look, but their way of communication, what they're interested in etc. is disappointing for the NT.
It's the best life ever... unless you're an aspie, then it's an uphill struggle.
Everyone's opinion on the why I'm putting men off is different. Some say I'm too independent. Some say I'm trying too hard and I need to be less obviously interested and if I "stop trying, then I'll meet someone." Such wildly contradictory statements tell me that no one really knows and they are saying things for the sake of saying things, like NTs do, because they don't want me to cry. Other people tell me just to be content with what I've got. That's making more sense to me theses days.
Also, if there's less men in your social circle of "working towards a cause", but that's the kind of man you want, then the weird aspie girl isn't what men will choose. Why would they, when there are 20 normal women to choose from?
You're new here. You didn't see the massive meltdown I had last year. My enjoying my independence has taken me 20 years of adulthood to achieve. Someone really hurt me. I thought I had finally found someone who was genuinely interested, but he changed, turned on a sixpence and it was nothing at all. That was the last straw. I have to be content on my own otherwise I'll crumple. And this was someone with similar interests to me. I finally found someone as weird as me. I walked away crying, not so much because of feelings for him, but because I knew that this was my last chance and it was over for me. Finally someone had asked me out, but I still wasn't good enough. I've got tears in my eyes typing this. It won't happen for me.
I can't keep on trying to be "better", I've tried and tried and tried. I know the problem is me, but I'm an aspie. I am burned out by trying to have an attractive personality and be available enough to say, "hey I'm interested," but not so available that I look desperate and put men off. It's really difficult and I'm broken because of it.
I'm unhappy, and I am physically unwell, I didn't want to be alone, so I have to find contentment in what I have and that means no dating. Anyway, there's no one my age left, so it's not like I've got any options anyway.
... ... ...
I would like to tell you that i totally and completely understand you...But that would be a lie...Still, as i read you, my heart bends towards you...And i feel your pain but also your admirable strength...
It was not easy for me to organize bridal showers for friends and attend their weddings, and genuinely be happy for them...Yet, at the same time, be sad for me
...Sad for me, because in my youth and later in life, i had met various suitors...All handsome, good-hearted, and very capable of making any woman happy...Except me...Inasmuch as i tried to fall in love, i could not see myself with any of them in my future...And so, as young as age 25, I gave-up on love...I was convinced that after my (platonic) love from adolescence, i would never ever love again...I was convinced that the man for me did not exist...And so, i focused on myself, my immediate family, the pursuit of a higher education, my career, the rearing of my beloved niece and beloved nephew who i helped raise, my congregation friends...And so, my glass was full...I reached contentment in my singleness...
Yet after a series of personal setbacks, in a moment of weakness, i felt a void in my chest...And so, around age 46, i prayed for a husband...And as unbelievable as it may seem to you, approx. 3 or 4 months after, when i had already forgotten about my prayer, i met he who became my beloved (Aspie) husband...And the rest is history...LIFE LESSON: Never underestimate the power of prayer...
I prayed to be handsome, rich and 30 years younger.
Nothin'.
The god of skunks sucks.
Actually, he stinks.
10 Dec 2020, 5:55 am
Clueless2017 wrote:
Never underestimate the power of prayer...
God said no. There's no one suitable round here for an odd aspie lass.
I saw something recently where someone said, "don't worry about me, God will look after me." It was a re-enactment of a conversation and I thought to myself, "Ha, no you're not going to find anyone." I have friends going through menopause now who wanted to get married and have children. Prayer didn't do anything for them in helping them find what they actually wanted.
However, I thought about that line, "God will look after me." I have a secure life. I actually don't really need much. I've got really good friends. I found a home in an area where I've met some amazing people and things have worked out pretty well for me. I got where I am applying the principles God taught me so I will say that he helped me.
Aspie girl got looked after in a different way.
Praying for a husband doesn't work. It was a fluke that you met someone after you prayed about it. I can introduce you to about 20 women who have prayed EVERY DAY about that subject and not got an answer other than no. What you got was a coincidence.
Aspie, INTJ faith is a bit different to NT faith. We analyse things and look for patterns. I can't help think that if what you say is true then why are some people so special to get "blessed" and other's aren't? That isn't fair to me. So my cognitive dissonance is that, people attribute answers to prayers where there is coincidence and it's nice to be thankful, it's positive, so do give thanks. It's like if it's a sunny day. That's a fluke, but still be thankful because it's nice.
10 Dec 2020, 6:34 am
hurtloam wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
Never underestimate the power of prayer...
God said no. There's no one suitable round here for an odd aspie lass.
I saw something recently where someone said, "don't worry about me, God will look after me." It was a re-enactment of a conversation and I thought to myself, "Ha, no you're not going to find anyone." I have friends going through menopause now who wanted to get married and have children. Prayer didn't do anything for them in helping them find what they actually wanted.
However, I thought about that line, "God will look after me." I have a secure life. I actually don't really need much. I've got really good friends. I found a home in an area where I've met some amazing people and things have worked out pretty well for me. I got where I am applying the principles God taught me so I will say that he helped me.
Aspie girl got looked after in a different way.
Praying for a husband doesn't work. It was a fluke that you met someone after you prayed about it. I can introduce you to about 20 women who have prayed EVERY DAY about that subject and not got an answer other than no. What you got was a coincidence.
Aspie, INTJ faith is a bit different to NT faith. We analyse things and look for patterns. I can't help think that if what you say is true then why are some people so special to get "blessed" and other's aren't? That isn't fair to me. So my cognitive dissonance is that, people attribute answers to prayers where there is coincidence and it's nice to be thankful, it's positive, so do give thanks. It's like if it's a sunny day. That's a fluke, but still be thankful because it's nice.
Agreed.
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,330
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
10 Dec 2020, 6:45 am
hurtloam: "Please please God, send me a good man!".
God of catz: 
10 Dec 2020, 7:04 am
That's my own fault. I'm not a cat person.
I did get sent some very cute other kind of pets though
10 Dec 2020, 10:37 am
hurtloam wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
Never underestimate the power of prayer...
God said no. There's no one suitable round here for an odd aspie lass.
I saw something recently where someone said, "don't worry about me, God will look after me." It was a re-enactment of a conversation and I thought to myself, "Ha, no you're not going to find anyone." I have friends going through menopause now who wanted to get married and have children. Prayer didn't do anything for them in helping them find what they actually wanted.
However, I thought about that line, "God will look after me." I have a secure life. I actually don't really need much. I've got really good friends. I found a home in an area where I've met some amazing people and things have worked out pretty well for me. I got where I am applying the principles God taught me so I will say that he helped me.
Aspie girl got looked after in a different way.
Praying for a husband doesn't work. It was a fluke that you met someone after you prayed about it. I can introduce you to about 20 women who have prayed EVERY DAY about that subject and not got an answer other than no. What you got was a coincidence.
Aspie, INTJ faith is a bit different to NT faith. We analyse things and look for patterns. I can't help think that if what you say is true then why are some people so special to get "blessed" and other's aren't? That isn't fair to me. So my cognitive dissonance is that, people attribute answers to prayers where there is coincidence and it's nice to be thankful, it's positive, so do give thanks. It's like if it's a sunny day. That's a fluke, but still be thankful because it's nice.
... ... ...
You brought a smile to my face so early in the morning in CA...Thank you...A smile, because your reply led me to reflect on my life and how truly BLESSED i have been...
First and foremost, i am very happy for you...It is noteworthy how well you have adjusted to being single...And especially noteworthy, how despite the many challenges you have encountered, you are still able to count your many blessings...And you attribute these many blessings to God...Be assured, my dear friend, that God will continue to take care of you, with or without a husband...
Now, back to the topic at hand...Please allow me to explain...God is not cupid!! !...And i am sorry if, through my personal experience, i misled you all...That was never my intent...God hears our prayers, indeed, when our prayers are in harmony with his will...He will give us wisdom if we ask for it...He will also direct us to those who may help us even when we don't ask for help...And if we specifically ask for a husband (or in the case of a man, a wife), in due time, he will present us with options...But, because he gifted us all with free will, it will ultimately be our decision who we choose to marry...On the other hand, if we never consult him...In fact, if we never even take him into account in all other aspects of our life...And we choose poorly...He will not protect us from suffering the consequences of our decision...He will, however, forgive our mistake and help us endure...(By the way, my husband did not pray for a wife in general terms; he was far more specific...He prayed to God that I became his wife)...
Anyway, please allow me to share with you that my communication with God has always been special...I have been actively serving God from a very young age, since my early teens...So much so, that pleasing God has impacted every aspect of my life...(For example, despite not being short of opportunities in my younger years, i remained a virgin for my husband)...And you are definitely right in that sometimes, in fact, many times, God says "No"...And when he says "No", it is because he wants our long-term wellbeing not just a quick-fix as many human beings expect of him...
By the way, although i have the good habit, since my childhood, of praying numerous times daily, ironically asking for a husband was never my topic...I was too busy serving others, making the best of what i had...And what i had was my singleness, an ideal state when serving God wholeheartedly...If you ask my beloved (Aspie) husband, he will tell you that, even now that i am happily married, God personally continues to take care of me...Even my husband's logical brain can attest to the fact that my life is far from a mere "coincidence"...I am truly BLESSED
Having said all of the above, i agree with you also in that it is unfair that only a few seem to be "blessed"...Let's try to clarify...God is merciful with all of humankind...In the way that we all benefit from the sun, and the rain, and the fruit of the land...And, there are those who seem to be "blessed", because they seem to have it all...Perhaps, they were born privileged--physical beauty, enviable social network, and the like...Or maybe, they have worked really hard for what they have...But, the question remains: Do they really count with God's favor???...As Jesus Christ would say, "They already have their reward"...And last but not least, there are those that appear to be at a total disadvantage...Surely, from an outsider's viewpoint, they are not "blessed"...Well, surprise!! !
...If you read the famous Sermon of the Mount found in Mathew, Chapter 5, you will find-out WHO are TRULY BLESSED...I hope to be one of these who God will favor with everlasting life--in perfect health--here on Earth... Post Script: I don't know who your friends are praying to; as to me, i am praying to the Almighty God Jehovah...
10 Dec 2020, 11:19 am
10 Dec 2020, 11:26 am
hurtloam wrote:
You haven't had your autumn assembly yet have you?
... ... ...
Not as yet...Are you one of the truly BLESSED ones???
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