You can't win arguments with women?

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Does anyone remember the ultra-racist Chinese detergent commercial?

Ok so we've established that she's controlling and manipulative, now she's using the baby to manipulate me. She's become extremely paranoid about hygene. It's like everything has to be perfectly clean for the baby.

I got really mad at her when she said she wanted to put most of my possessions in the garage. Because they might have germs.

Danger from germs? We have to change everything. But danger from co-sleeping? It's not a big deal says Jane. How come we only have to worry about the things she thinks is dangerous.

This got worse after I left the window open and they got some mosquito bites. Mosquito bites are unpleasant but after she told me off for letting mosquitos in she now also says the little red marks were caused by germs and by fleas.

And she's saying that I can't lie on my own bed because my feet are dirty.

She's trying to isolate me from my friends. She says one of them is dirty. I already told her that if he comes unshowered I'll term in away but that's not good enough for her.

She says (without evidence) that he must have fleas and that the little red marks are somehow simultaneously both mosquito bites and flea bites. This is so she can tell me off twice.

Bro, what you have gotten yourself into?

The way she speaks isn't reasonable, is it? The thing is when we disagree on something she says her way is the "standard way". She says everyone agrees that it's the standard, without actually asking anyone. She says all my friends would agree with her but when I suggest we actually talk to my friends and ask her, she suddenly becomes reluctant.

Making stuff up ex nihilo and then saying "everyone agrees with it" without actually asking anyone is a transparently obvious logical fallacy. When she does that it feels like I'm arguing with a creationist.

From what you've said it's definitely unreasonable! The worry about contaminating the baby is still shouting "mental health" issue to me though.

I sense this is more a cultural battle than anything else.

I don’t feel like she’s mentally ill. I do sense she’s a slave to her culture, and inflexible because of this.

I have similar problems with my wife.

I just mention the mental health aspect because I went through something similar with my first and it might be worth thinking about for them. I can remember walking through a shopping centre and crying because I thought the world was going to contaminate my perfect baby. I saw everything in our house as being covered in germs (which of course everything is but I was over worried about it). Wasn't as bad as RetroGamer87's wife (girlfriend?) though.

You just might be right.

You’ve had a similar experience.

So hard to tell with just a bit of information over the internet, plus I've never had experience of a cross-cultural relationship like you have. I might also be biased because I'm really hoping it is something temporary and/or fixable for all of their sakes!

That’s why nothing is “absolute” and should never be taken as such.

And nobody should claim “guru” status on the Internet.

My advice is based on my experience. I feel like what I said is possible...but I have to leave open the possibility of other interpretations.

Retro, I am so sorry you are going through this. What she is doing is not "right" whether one is aspie or not, but it is especially hard on an aspie.

First of all, it is NOT healthy to isolate a baby from all sources of dirt, germs, etc. It is now suspected that the reason there are so many young people with allergies is because the American mothers over protected their babies so they never got exposed to the things they need to develop the immune system. Let them play outside and eat dirt.

Second, I completely get the problem of being intensely involved in a work problem and being interrupted. Before I realized I was aspie, I used to feel this was my fault. Now I realize it is characteristic of aspie and my husband now understands that if I refuse to listen to him or acknowledge his presence, it isn't because I don't like him, it is just that the particular problem I am working on requires all my attention and if I interrupt this process, I lose all my progress and have to start all over again.

But this only happened when I started to say, clearly, NO and hold my palm toward him to warn him off. I did not look at him nor listen to him. I kept my eyes on the computer. Then, when I had a break in the process, I could apologize and ask what he wanted.

You have been posting for a couple years now (I have been on the forum for three years), and each post is you asking if her behavior is reasonable. The answer has invariably been NO. Maybe it is cultural, but it doesn't matter what the source is if she continues to abuse you. And this is abuse.

I have nothing but respect for you and your work. And I am quite familiar with holding onto a relationship long past the obvious end point because I was unsure if what the partner was doing was "reasonable" or not. I finally decided it doesn't matter. Reasonableness does not fit into this equation. The question is, is this person loving and supportive. If not, get out.

Just my 2c worth. Ignore it if it doesn't apply.

It's not just that she plays headgames with me. It's that she's actually good at playing them.

When she doesn't get her way, she'll start several arguments on unrelated topics until I give in on the thing that she really cared about (she provides no clue about which is the real argument and which ones are the fake ones).

She does this as a way of punishing me.

This morning we got into an argument and the shouted at me hella loud like she was furious. But she wasn't angry at at all. It was all an act. That's even worse! I would rather deal with someone who has an anger management problem then someone who pretends to have anger management problem.

Hi Retro

You've reached the point where you may need some outside counsel from professionals. Coersive behaviour and gas lighting is abuse.

You're stuck because you want to protect your daughter. We in other countries don't know what your rights are, so are limited in our advice.

Here's a link to domestic abuse support in Australia. There is a list of contacts at the bottom of the page.

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/domestic-violence-against-men

I mean, you can win arguments against anyone in some cases.

Not all the time.