NT woman at her wit's end with her male Aspie friend

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Thanks, Sharlyn.

The thing is, we all get scared and while I know you aren't making any excuses for him, I'd only be foolhardy (if not insane) to stick around after this treatment. I've already compromised myself as it is.

Part of me is mad, "Seriously?! You know how vulnerable I am and you actually exploit it?!"

Part of me is sad, "Seriously?! You know how vulnerable I am and you actually exploit it?!"

And there's some relief too.

Maybe he needs time to think and see what his life is like without you.

But I'm pretty sure that if I told my aspie I wanted more he would probably say good bye and be done with me. Not a very good feeling. But I've tried having 'normal' relationships with 'normal' guys and that hasn't worked for me either.

Maybe if you told him you wanted to take a break.
Would you be happy being just friends?
I would definitely date other guys in the meantime

He sounds like a well-adjusted person with clear priorities. Many, many women (and men, for that matter) would like to have a relationship with somebody who is apparently so upfront.





This was actually something I wrote about my, um, friend and then Sharlyn used some of what I wrote to compare the two. There's no real reason to explain this now but the anger thing was about 15 minutes before the meltdown; I just didn't realize I'd witnessed the first stages of one when I posted that info.

Sorry to hear that. While he may have been scared, there still is no excuse for that.

From what you have posted, you seem to be a caring and kind person. And, in the end, he couldn't overcome who he is enough to see that.

People can be blind sometimes.

Frankly, I was surprised that he replied so fast. It was too fast. He was not thinking, he just reacted.


By avoiding the issue he has effectively said "good bye," whether he knows it or not. I've stayed, or returned, despite some bad behavior on his part so he most likely expects that I'll continue to stay.

Obviously, a part of him likes me, so that part may miss me but he'll override those thoughts/feelings.


I would have been very happy just to know what the heck we were And that's the real point, he won't even give me that much. So, game over.

The issue is less about "friendship vs. romance" and is more that he has so little respect for me he won't answer a fairly simple question. It's a question that comes up often in life.

I tried to learn about AS to get a better perspective and I can now make a strong argument that I certainly tried to see this with new eyes. I've done my best with this person who happens to be an Aspie. Mistreatment is mistreatment.

Sorry, CJBinks, I didn't see your post until right now. I decided to take last night offline and just read a book. (a mental health
night ) Thanks for your kind words. Now I just have to figure out what to do with him. Not sure whether to just block him or perhaps somehow put him on the outer orbit of my social life? Sadly, it may have to be the former because I am not certain if I could see him casually and not get angry at him for the shoddy treatment.

Thanks to everybody here on this thread for all of your insight and suggestions. This has been a roller coaster, but for the most part it's been an interesting ride. I don't romanticize AS but feel I've gained invaluable understanding. It may sound peculiar but knowing my "friend" has stimulated me intellectually and creatively. It's also hurt, a lot.

Some of you have said you may see (some) NTs in a better light based on this thread. For every cruel 'mean girl,' and all the other NTs who don't accept anything different from themselves, there really is a group of us who are open to experience a wider variety (for want of a better way to phrase that!). In other words, ToadofSteel, I could not imagine finding American Idol more interesting than the Weather Channel , and Silvervarg, I doubt that I'll send my former AF this thread but I'll save it for myself.

Thanks everybody,
RecentlyBookmarked

If that's the case, then move on. Just be clear cut about it... if you "move on" and then stay in his life, you'll be stringing him along, and that will only cause more damage...

Ha! I've painted myself into a corner. I actually wrote and published, "I tried to learn about AS to get a better perspective and I can now make a strong argument that I certainly tried to see this with new eyes. I've done my best with this person who happens to be an Aspie."

At the risk of seeming hypocritical, can you explain why I'd be stringing him along?

I'll admit that I may just be so tired of being told that I'm wrong and/or deserving of poor treatment by AF that I may feel like taking the path of least resistance which, for now, would be me not being clear about it. On the other hand, I'm not interested in being an a**, to anybody, especially myself. I may just need a few days or weeks to cool off and get perspective, then tell him I'm moving on. Not sure if "why" is something he'll want to know, but I'd rather tell him than let him come to his own conclusions.

Good luck.

Maybe I just think I've cooled off or I could be sliding into Doormat Land, but I'm not satisfied with what happened last week being "the end." I feel like I'm not being fair if I didn't inform him this was a deal breaker. Part of me feels I'm "punishing" him by doing that because I have seen a great deal of improvement in his behavior as well as attempts to communicate with me. OTOH, I could be punishing myself. I cannot tell right now if I'll be better off if I move on or not.

I've never been in this situation before. I've always known where I stood in other relationships, whether friendship or other. That's why I'm so suspicious of becoming a doormat -- I can't even tell if I'm on the door step

Obviously, you don't really know me or him or can predict what will happen, but if you have any insights or advice please let me know.

Oh, in case anybody thinks that I feel sorry for this guy, I don't. I don't see him as disabled or suffering, that isn't why I'm perplexed: I don't feel guilty. I'm just very confused.

[quote="RecentlyBookmarked"]I've never been in this situation before. I've always known where I stood in other relationships, whether friendship or other. That's why I'm so suspicious of becoming a doormat -- I can't even tell if I'm on the door step /quote]

Thanks to the boolean logic that aspies often use, there's only two possible states: in a relationship or single. Things like "where one stands" should fall neatly into either one or the other. If you're going to "break up" with him, and then still try to be nearly as involved in his life, it presents a logical paradox to him... Same applies to breaking up and then trying to get back with him later...

If you're going to break up with him, that's well within your right. But if you choose to break up, be prepared to get as completely out of his life as possible...

Maybe instead of asking him what he wants, you should tell him what you want. Do you know what you want? If you want a relationship with him then maybe tell him that. You might find your answer by going through that back door. If he wants one, he'll agree, if not, he'll tell you he only wants to be friends. If you continue to ask him what he wants, he probably doesn't know the answer.

I would suggest that you take a few days to think things over and decide what you really want. If you want him in your life, then make it work. If you can live without him, then walk away but tell him the truth.

I am the NT in my relationship and I had to swallow some pride the end of last year to save my relationship. I spent 3 weeks without my friend and I was devastated, at the point of doing anything to get him to talk to me again.

Thanks to the people here like ToadofSteel, they helped me see things from a different perspective.

I understand your point about how to treat him, but "true / false" doesn't seem to apply to his current relationship to his ex. He's clear that they were friends, then BF/GF, then exes and claims they remain in contact.

This just in: he seems (key word) to be hinting that since I'm only offering two options he can't answer as neither option fits. So, how do I get him to describe this other option? That is, of course, if he isn't just tossing a red herring.

Yes, I've frequently considered the "well, this what I want" route and have been considering it more strongly after this most recent ridiculousness. It's why I posted again.

I know my answer, especially after what just happened. It can only be friends. I'd be lying if I told him I wanted more because that seems the surest way to hurt myself, frankly. He just doesn't seem to have the capacity to have what I would call a romantic relationship. It would be cruel and a recipe for disaster.

The reason I feel hurt probably stems from my unexpected jealousy of his ex. While I have no idea what they actually had, it was and is important to him, and at times I've had this all too human reaction:"Why her but not me?" (To myself, I mean.)

I know I'll miss him and be sad for a while, but if it comes down to this (which it probably will as he could drive away a nest of cockroaches with his indifference) I'll of course choose to move on.


If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't answer me either. He gets treated better than a friend but doesn't have any of responsibilities that a BF would. This is why I'm feeling like doormat.

I do believe everyone here who say it's unlikely that he has an answer and/ or he's afraid of something, but I cannot overlook the fact that he seems unaware or unaffected by the possibility that I could actually leave.


And this is what bothers me, as I've said before, the work falls on me.

Last edited by RecentlyBookmarked on 16 Feb 2009, 11:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

Dunno what to tell you. He is playing some sort of game, and I suck at games. He has changed his behavior for you, so he obviously cares for you. However, he can't seem to come off of top dead center and actually acknowledge it. And, to make it worse, he has used your attempts to make it safe for him against you. But, until he does, he will continue to need to hold others at arms length.

Maybe he is being driven by anxiety. But, that is his problem and there are some very good meds for it. He probably won't do that, I get the sense that it has become a big part of him. It may be a part he can't let go of.

And yet you claim to be an Aspie?


Yes, he was ridiculous to do that.


True. Very true.

And I have to figure out if I can stay in this strange arms length but sometimes closer, sometimes further place.