Potholes of Aspie / Aspie Relationships

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Is there anything to watch out for? I've never dated an Apsielle but wonder if there are any common pitfalls to watch out for? Have you dated another aspie and what were the issues about?

I'm married to a possible aspie. I suppose the hardest part was making sure our obsessions matched, and that we wouldn't get in each others ways.

Really like an NT relationship, just throw in a couple DX's.

I'm an aspie with AS BF. It's important to tolerate each other's need for isolation/special interest time, as well as each other's eccentricities. It ends up being a lot to tolerate.

In return, you get someone who intuitively understands you better than others. You get someone who feels like a soulmate. You get support with your difficulties. You feel great!

I've had many crushes on aspie guys and am crazy about my best friend who has it. I wouldn't mind an aspie/aspie relationship, it's always appealed to me, something about aspie guys/geeks I find attractive. My mum isn't too keen on the idea because she said me and the boy would drive eachother mad and often tries to disuade me when I talk about it. And if I mention something one of my AS friends did that was annoying, my mum always said "that's what you'd have to put up with everyday if you lived with someone like that". But I don't care though.

I don't think I've dated anyone with AS, but I have a sister who shows many of my traits. She's normally content and doesn't feel the need to be with anyone at the moment. I personally feel like she remains aloof soley because she has had her feelings hurt by peers and knows what other people are capable of. When approaching any woman, she has to be convinced that you won't harm her emotionally, that's why pick-up lines are so notoriously bad, they show a level of confidence that seems irrational.

My approach to anyone is modest, showing passion about other subjects (that don't include me or them) is the best way to demonstrate sincerity, and faking sincerity has never worked for me, so I think you should be sincere, but you should take that advice with a grain of salt since I haven't actually dated a known AS.

K having gone through this before i have some thoughts.

I am an aspie and I dated another aspie for a short while.

You have all the normal problems of finding mutual interests and everything else but the real pitfalls (at least in my one experience with it) are these.

The initial experience of some level of mutual understanding lends itself to a big initial feeling of exhileration, but sharing a disease does not a relationship make.
If you don't have anything else in common at all or they exhibit too many pet peeves of yours that were overlooked at first, its gonna suck.

Thats basically what happened in my case, they ended up just being someone wouldn't really like at all normally once you got past the aspie aspect of it.

Other than that one little trap, which honestly could happen in any potential relationship, I don't see why it couldn't be a good thing for people.
One other common bond between you two so thats a plus.
Just don't expect their aspie-ness to be exactly the same as yours. As with any social relationship theres gonna be some work understanding how the other person ticks and vice versa.

yes definately not the panacea its made out to be.

I thought it would mean that I would feel understood and tollerated and accepted but in actual fact its not different from an NT/AS relationship in that way.

I think if you had exactly the same issues it might be easier but that is very unlikely. They would still probably be able to find fault with ones issues even if they had them!! !

I feel sneared at for the areas Im weak in and resented for the areas Im stronger in.

For me most of the problem probably comes down to my inability to form relationships with people and my discomfort with closeness.

I think in the future I would definately not view someone having AS as a significant point in their favour as a potential lover as it really is not different to an NT in a lot of the important ways. Actually my previous NT lovers were probably more verbally demonstartive which was easier for me to 'read'.

I think we may be better off with an understanding NT than with another aspie, I think an understanding NT maybe less 'snipeing'.

bol1ocks, all people are critical and snipeing, we are better off alone!! !

Awww don't say that Lotusblossom.

You'll find someone wonderful someday I'm sure.

I used to have lots of issues with closeness too. I found that like alot of aspects of AS its just like a really week muscle, the more you work it the stronger it gets.

I usually don't even have the whole physical discomfort thing from physical touch anymore and I'm getting pretty good at the emotional intimacy thing.
(granted I still suck at lots of things lol)
You'll get it! And you'll find someone whos understanding of your failures and loves the whole package and the same will be true of your feelings towards them.

I mean hey thats the point of having a special someone anyways right? Its hard but we are all in the same boat right?

yes but how do you tell what they will be like before you are too involved with them?

my bf would say the same thing as you and 'that I just need to give it longer, it will come with time'. he would say he accepts me as I am completely and that he couldnt be happier with me.

But in reality he is very sneary and snipey so can not really accept me but (logically) must be lying, or not realising what he really feels. Its no good someone saying they dont mind me doing things and then making 'b1tchy' digs every time I do it.

I think he is probably so desperate for a relationship that he is prepared to put up with anything, so says that he doesnt mind things when really he does and when I say 'its not going well', he rushes to reasure me, not because it is going well, but because he does not want to get dumped. I think his resentment leaks out because he is not happy but he wants it to work anyway.

I dont feel I have ever got relationships right and Ive found they have got harder as Ive got older (im 30) rather than easier.

I just have no theory of mind and can not read people at all, I find it makes it too hard to alline/reconsile this with being in a relationship with someone.

I wish people would be who they say they are and say what they mean. I wish i could know what people really meant and stop believeing eveything they said.

Well everyone just has a bad day sometimes. Is he constant with his digs at you?
If so that is definately not cool.

Alot of people aren't really good at the whole conflict thing. Have you talked to him about his comments?

Also I get you on not feeling like you've gotten relationships right. But thats the thing, you learn from past ones and gather some good memories.
But honestly whoever your ex's are, just remember they are ex's for a reason and its a mutual thing and not your fault entirely.

I know the lack of being able to read people as good does hinder things but honestly if that picture is you.

Well your just a verry attractive woman and seem like you got your head on straight, your just a little frustrated as we all get in bad situations or when things start piling up.
I just can't see you not meeting someone wonderful at some point soonish.

Also if I were you I'd start doing a pro/con list on your man there and have a few conversations with him about your mutual frustrations.
You want to be with someone because you enjoy them not because its simply a routine or because you can't do better or don't deserve better.
Because you can and you do.


So.... there I guess. I just hope things start looking up for you, there are the kind of men out there that you want/need its just a matter of finding them.
Keep your chin up and try to do whatever you need to help with the stress.
Hang in there.

Possible "potholes":

You might get a little moody around each other, or think the other's obsession(s) is/are strange. Another one is that it can be hard getting to know one another at first. Get around these things, though, and it should be fine.

One of my Aspie friends says he doesn't want to get into a relationship with another Aspie 'cuz he thinks they'll "drive each other crazy". That could happen, but honestly I think that depends on what they're like. Personally I'd rather have a relationship with an Aspie 'cuz I think we'd understand each other better - in fact I'm currently having an "Aspie relationship" online with someone and I think things are going really well for us! And if it ends up that somewhere way down the line I can't find another Aspie to have a relationship with...then I'll just try to find someone who's working to become a therapist and/or special needs teacher who really understands what I'm going through.

Like with any relationship, you're either compatible or you're not. AS/AS relationships, I would assume, could possibly have a higher success rate due to the fact that both parties share a commonality and both have the understanding to be more tolerant of each other's differences. That said, there have to be other things there. You have to compliment each other (and I don't mean "You look pretty today!"). Your weaknesses need to be nurtured by the other's strengths and vice versa. There must be a good balance of needs vs. what you can offer your partner, otherwise it's a one-way dependence that can lead to resentment in the party who seems to be offering more to the relationship than the other seems to be.

My hubby and I have a long history together. We were both outcast geeks in school. We both hung out with the same outcast geek friends. We both had the same corny sense of humor. And now, as adults, we share 2 kids w/PDD-NOS and a Dx of Asperger's Syndrome. We have our fights, but they're few. I'm lucky, because I know the chances of any relationship working like a well-oiled machine like ours does is rare (just look at divorce rates in the US).

I hope you find someone who appreciates you for who you are, whether they end up being NT or Aspie/Autie.

I'm not sure it works this way for everyone, I'm a personal believer in the opposites theory. Someone with more refined social skills could help someone who lacks them if they are willing to help eachother. But then again I just idealize older NT women alot (although I'm beginning to wonder what the AS/NT difference really is)