My Girlfriend has AS new topic

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hey guys,

im back again, and my girlfriend and i have been together for just over 6 months now.
i am an NT and my gf has AS.

last night we had a very intense and through discussion, and we talked about or feelings for one another. i knew something was wrong so i asked her about it. i asked her a series of questions and all and i think i found out what is wrong.

straight to the point - she said she doesnt think she can love me "as much as i love her" because she doesnt think ill ever understand her. last night she said she loved me medium (compared to high and low) and that i do understand her in the majority of things (as we sort of both have gone through the same experiences) but, she says she doesnt think i can fully understand her.
she said i dont think you are my soulmate and i dont know about the future.

i just need a bit of help guys, i love my gf very very much and everytime there is a chance for her to open up, she shuts me down and says ull never understand.
i know i will never FULLY understand, but she isnt giving me a chance to learn. i want to try understand her that 99%, well the closest i can get.

she also she made me promise that we would never walk out of each other's lives, tho she doesnt know if WE have a future, and that she loves me and cares for me, but she cant love me as much as i love her until i fully understand her. im not sure if she is hinting she wants to break, but i asked her if she was willing to make this a better relationship and she said yes.

in the end of the discussion she said, id rather have you than no one, im not gonna worry u not being my soulmate anymore. (i know what she meant by that)

i dont want answers, but i need help. please. i just want everyones opinion on this and if any advice can be given, please. im not trying to be up myself, but ive been romantic, as in flowers, and giving her sentimental gifts and notes, but i feel like im in a dead end now.



Thanks so much
Orangesun
ps. its weird i was surprised, she said she was fine when i asked her whats wrong, and she still tried to hide it until i kept asking.

You seem to be taking the right steps so far. What might be a good idea is to sit down and read Asperger Journeys, which is a blog written by a woman who was diagnosed with AS in her late 40s. She has some really great insights into how AS manifests differently in women, and explains her autistic traits in a very clear and relateable manner. She is deep down a very kind and empathetic woman who also happens to be autistic, and she does a wonderful job of translating feelings and mental states that are hard to explain into beautifully descriptive writing that is very easy to understand for an NT who is not familiar with autism, and for me personally, it helped me understand myself better.

After you've read it (it's not long, the first post is from December 2008), you might make note of some things that you find interesting or significant and share them with your girlfriend. She may be insisting you couldn't understand because she herself can't quite figure out how to explain it to you even though she very badly wants to be understood.

Also remember that she will always need a little more space and downtime from people than you will, no matter how much she loves you. That's just par for the course, because being autistic and interacting with people can be exhausting. Because we have to use our conscious brain to do things that NT brains do unconsciously and automatically, it ends up using up all our energy.

Sadly, you've already pointed out one of the things I believe she has an issue with. You say you think she might be 'hinting she wants a break'. One of our biggest problems is that we say what we mean, without assigning any sort of deeper meaning. Essentially, we don't do 'hints', and we hate it when other people use them. This is an area you really need to work on, if she does indeed have AS. What she says is usually what she believes and means, not a metaphor you have to figure out on your own.

Also, the body language is something you need to work on. Aspies are infamous for retreating into their heads to go over an idea. Faces can and do go blank. It only annoys us when people ask what is wrong, because we really are fine. We absolutely despise being interrupted while working on a project or idea. Aspies in general have a frequent need to have a few hours of true 'alone time', and that means no people at all, just them and their hobbies.

I do imagine you're driving her absolutely batty if you ask her what's wrong every time she retreats into her head. That was one of the major reasons I left my last girlfriend shortly after proposing.

I will say she has a point. You keep trying to assign 'normal' meanings and purposes to what she says and does. Aspies are not 'normal'. We have plenty of behavioral quirks that are very easy to misread. It's easy enough that NT spouses have unwittingly destroyed marriages by ignoring the simple fact Aspies express everything in a slightly different manner. Obviously, you need to adjust a bit on how you approach her behaviors, but it shouldn't be that much to deal with once you know what to look for.

Besides, if she is Aspie, I imagine she makes up for those quirks in many many ways. Intelligence and blunt honesty are the first two that come to mind.

She needs to understand that no human being can ever understand another human being anyway. She will never understand all there is to know about you and all your complexities, any more than you will ever fully understand her. That's not a bad thing. It just means that there's more to explore.

It seems she's bought into the Hollywood notion that soul mates are somehow so intune and intwined with one another that they know everything about each other. That's not true. If she thinks that's "normal" in a relationship, then she's bound to feel very insecure. The main thing is, you love and respect her, you don't mind exploring all the differences between you. In fact, it's those differences that make a relationship work.

Seems to me you're doing the right thing. I'm sorry you've got so much stress to deal with right now.

I think you are swamping her too much and expecting too much. You seem more interested in her returning your feelings than what is best for her. Also everytime you have an intense talk about feelings that's iniated by you, it's going to make her feel inadequate, or maybe make her feel you are the wrong person for her. Aspies aren't very good at talking about our feelings, and if you make "talking about one's feelings" seem really important to her, it's not going to have a positive effect. You need to sit back, relax and take things a lot less seriously.

Thankyou Chizpurfle52595 and mgran for giving me that feedback, i've been reading that blog as well, and its been helpful so far. Its good.
On the otherhand Cerebral,

Im not interested in her returning my feelings, well not more than whats best for her. It doesn't bother me as much if she doesnt love me as much as i love her in return because i cant control how she feels. She initiated the talk, I asked her if something was wrong, and she said things were fine she was just tired, then i kept asking because i knew something was wrong. She finally then told me that it was because of the fact she didnt love me as much as i love her and she was afraid itd hurt me in the future.

I dont know about you, but I am different, I am in this relationship with her because I love her and I want us to last forever (when i say WANT, it doesnt mean it will, thats just my determination level). I know we are both still young to think about the future, but if she isnt determined to make us last till the future, then i dont know why she is still with me. Its hard to take relationships light-heartedly when you actually love the person.

I am not a robot, I am a human that feels emotions. I expect the relationship to be 2 ways, not just me compromising for her, as you may have been saying. Its got nothing to do with alone time as far as i am concerned - she has been out all last week and weekend catching up with her friends.

Things between us have really changed, she used to be the one chasing me and sending me constant messages and being sad when i had to go offline. But now i am the one that is like that, ill admit, once i was even brought to tears because of the confusion and love i had for her.

Whilst i am posting right now, i am talking to her online, and we are seeing each other tomorrow. i am planning on maybe telling her a few things that u guys have posted, such as "she doesnt know and cant express what she is feeling thats why she cant open up" and the "hollywood soulmate idea"

im afraid, whilst i am here full of emotions and on the brink of crying (its so damn stressful), i am still yet to find out if she wants this relationship to work - or if she is just using me as a social leverage/experience.

Im sorry for being so dramatic, but im full of emotion right now.

might i add - the other night she asked me if i would still love her even if she became fat anorexic or just ugly. dont know if that might help

Last edited by orangesun on 07 Jul 2009, 3:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am not sure,

but i am also considering blowing off our date tomorrow and just 'ignoring' her for a while.
Im not sure if its a good idea, i just really need some advice please.

So if was in fact you who initiated the talk...


As i said, you are swamping her. Instead of the relationship being about having fun, and enjoying time in each others presence, you're making the relationship based around goals.


You are too young to think about the future, yet you are doing so anyway? At your age you would scare most girls off, AS or not. I've read some of the stuff in your other post, and you come across as needing far too much reassurance, it's not an admirable quality.


Between all the talking about each others feelings, you asking for constant reassurance, you writing long-ass letters asking where you have gone wrong and coming on here constantly asking for advice for over-reactions (At least they have been so far)... where is the fun in your relationship? She obviously likes you, otherwise she wouldn't be with you. But as far as i can see, you are pushing her away and you just don't realise it.


Aspies are greedy in general, you'll just have to get used to it. Perhaps once your relationship has grown more you can expect more.


And all that will say to her is "the relationship is damaged or broken" OR "He isn't happy". Don't try and fix something if it isn't broke.


I can tell you that if you loved her, you wouldn't have such doubts. I can also tell you, that if you have such doubts, you have a very poor and low opinion of her. Aspies don't exactly cope very well emotionally, and you keep dumping all this crap on her?


She clearly likes you... a lot if she is asking you such questions. Just accept she likes you, because she chooses to be your girlfriend and chooses to spend time with you. Stop talking about the relationship and your emotions that are tangled in with the relationship. Talk to her about yourself, your likes, dislikes, etc. Show her even more of yourself.


You shouldn't manipulate people, especailly if you "love" them. Also i don't see what you couldn't possibly achieve by distancing yourself from her. You should definately go on that date, and try to relax! don't bring up the relationship or your doubts, just go out and have fun.

You are more than welcome to keep dumping emotional crap on us, that's what we are here for, it's a support forum.

Michjo, I would just like to say, thankyou.

I just read over what you have said to me and I am actually very happy now.
I guess you are right, there is no "fun" as there can be, which I should change, I'll be more fun.

I was just worried about the future that one day she might end up dumping me, I'm not sure if she has a decline in interest for me (as in not replying to text messages and not talking to me as much as we used to), or it has been "medium" all this time, but it doesn't bother me much anymore after reading what you said. I'm generally an insecure person, and I'll admit that, i am insecure, I havent really been told I am loved, and she even told me she doesnt know what she feels for me - and the only reason why i start questioning the future is when i have such a great time with her in person, afterwards i feel alone. But you are right, if they were bad things, she wouldnt be with me.
But, I guess all in all, my aim is to make her feel loved.

I want her to feel loved, regardless of the future or what might happen now - how do I do that, make her feel loved now?

Thankyou once again, you've actually made me smile believe it or not, even though its a bit blunt, its true. Its something i really needed.

I'll post back when theres another problem hanging on me.

Hello guys once again, I need some support.

Well today I caught up with my girlfriend ok?It was all very fun - and as suggested above - I became the most fun person ever, i even made her laugh a few times, and was really affectionate.
fast forwarding a bit, whilst on the bus, we had discussions about what i was feeling. She asked me "what would u feel if i just left you life" i responded honestly and said "upset, heartbroken" and i asked her the same question and she said "she doesnt know". I was fine with that, reading over what you guys have said, i just took that lightly. Then afterwards, i realise that she hadnt been wearing the necklace i had given her (she had been wearing it since the day i gave it to her tho) and i asked her if she took it off because she was annoyed at me and she said "maybe". i then asked on a scale of 1-100, how much do i mean to you, she said 50, i was like fine ok, cause the other 50 probs means family and friends (i assumed)

Then later on, i said to her, im sorry, ill be honest with you, i dont think ill ever understand you 100% but i sure am trying my damn hardest, and im sorry if ive been all sad all these times, but im not even sure if you love me. And she said "i dont know if i love you, i hate being your soulmate" - thats when my heart fell. the thing is, when she said it, she was still close to me and still holding me. it was confusing, cause later on i told her, "it seems like u can only love someone if they understand you, im trying my hardest, i am committed to it isnt that enough for you?" --> then later on when i took her to her mothers car, she said to me, it seems like ur expecting to show things back the way you do to me. i told her, no, i just want to know that you value me and want me and if i mean anything to you. then there was silence. then i ended up talking to her mother.

god, i dont know, i know im wrong in all this, but is it wrong of me to expect just a little bit in return for what i give? ill be honest, as soon as i got home, my dad asked me howd today go, then i just burst into tears. i had never cried for ages, but this time, the tears didnt stop coming, she texted me before asking how i was, i havent replied, tomorrow she's out with her friends - she'll probably forget about all this, while im here crying.

forgive me everyone for writing such a long post, but im so much in love with her because she knows how i feel, but it hurts, sooo much just to know the fact she doesnt know if she loves me.

I've already told you that you have been pushing her away with your behaviour...


And you're pushing her away again, don't you understand how it's your own behaviour that is ruining this for you? When you say things like this, you are pretty much saying to her we will never work together. The whole "i'm not even sure you love me", isn't romantic in the slightest either. It's called putting someone through a guilt trip, put simply, it's manipulation. Each time you pull a stunt like this, she will care less and less.


What happened to making the relationship fun? You are trying to be far too serious considering your age.


From what i've read of your posts, you are the one who wants more from this, not her. You seem to be demanding that she be in love with you and you don't seem to be prepared to wait for her to fall in love with you. If you'd stop demanding more, then perhaps your "commitment" would be enough.


Can't you see how your behaviour is demanding her to love you in return, can't you see that you are being completely unreasonable?


Those who are in love demand nothing in return, those who are in love are selfless. Not only that but you are recieving lots, she spends her time with you, you are currently boyfriend and girlfriend.


So you cold-shouldered her text? You should have replied, not only should you have replied, but you should have wrote something along the lines of "I'm feeling great, thank you"


If you don't change the way you think about relationships, it will not work out with this girl (let alone any other girl!). Just because you think you love someone, it does not mean they have to love you, and it does not mean you can rush them into stating wether they love you or not. The only thing you should be concering yourself with is is she happy?, someone in love would be happy if the person they loved was happy. Why is this relationship all about love to you? Why can't you sit back, and enjoy what you have? People rarely just decide or realise they love someone.

At somepoint in your lifes, you are going to have to make big decisions. Are you going to university? What will happen to the relationship? She might decide to move out of the family home, should you two get a place together? This is when she is going to decide wether your relationship has merit or not. Stop trying to force her into deciding things early.

Ok thanks for your input michjo,

I understand everything you say. Its just I havent really felt anything compelling these past 6 months. Its just been this week when I absolutely went overload about feelings.

I'll do my best to just be happy and fun. I think i'm sensing and she is as well what I am doing is a bit bad. She has said to me that she loves me before as opposed to know how she doesnt know what she feels. (she told me that shes 16, and she doesnt know what she feels yet, or what she is feeling) so i guess thats fair enough.

I dont know what to do though guys. I'm going to try my very best to just take it easy. I think ill know what I will do, ill see her more as a friend every time i see her, i think its better that way, i guess to make things easier for me, ill force myself out of love with her so that things will be easier for things to flow.

i guess i still have very much more to learn about the way of the aspie. (btw, just random, but she has been out everyday these past 2 weeks and im seeing her tomorrow (cause its holidays))

But yes, even in the future, if we are not together, i still want to be friends with her. who knows things after uni might even redevelop.

Sorry but how are you in the wrong? Of course you should expect some kind of reciprocation and reassurance, it's something everyone needs. Don't beat yourself up in that way mate this isn't anyone's fault. 50% wouldn't be good enough for me, that comment sounds to me like aspie tact ie she's trying to be nice about telling you she's not that into you and is trying not to cause a fuss.

Hi there!
Yeah I know what you mean, but I have realized now that AS relationships are different to NT relationships. I've been in the perspective of having an NT relationship for most of this time and I have been expecting her to give love just because i give it and because its the "way of doing things." I asked her last night "Would you rather me being your boyfriend or friend? She said "I want to keep us going, not because you love me, but because you mean something to me."
I guess, I'll just have to wait and be patient. It is hard believe me making this work, but I want to.

To be honest, I have wanted to die for just a bit of reciprocation, but I assume it is a trait some Aspie's have - They need a reason to why they do things, and they do things to their own accord. (Or maybe its just because she doesn't know what to do/feel)
But thats why I've stopped beating myself up over it, I've cried too much, I'm just going to build my walls and see her as a friend and develop our "friendship" and connection emotionally (but I'll keep it to myself though)

I had similar issues with my last girlfriend as you are having now, only i was in your girlfriends position. I kept thinking "Why do you keep wanting me to say this stuff? YOU SHOULD KNOW ALREADY!". Not only that, but everytime she wanted me to tell her this stuff again, everytime she wanted to talk about our feelings... well each time she wanted to, i got the impression she didn't trust me, why the constant need for reassurance? You're right about it being a trait, we are very poor at reciprocation.

I'm not trying to be overlycritical of you, it's not all your fault, every problem in a relationship is 50/50. If it was her posting and i was advising her i'd be tellling her in the same tone i am using with you "FOR CHRIST SAKES, just compliment him once a day! buy him a present randomly every now and then, it'll make him feel like the most special person in the world". You can't tell your partner to their face to do this, and you can't expect them to change either. I can only tell you what you can change yourself to make the relationship better.

I know michjo, I understand your perspectives and i appreciate the fact that you take the time to give me input. Ive read other responses you give on other topics and they are really great. It has really helped me, its good to know though you do understand both sides. But otherwise, my dad always said "before I can ask others to change, i need to change myself first."

-----Dont read this unless u wanna keep up with the story....The main aim in the post is below
I just had a convo on the phone with my GF. I was like "Hi" when she first answered, she was like "what!" i was like hey, how was ur day ....blah blah blah. Anyway i apologised to her for being so serious, and she told me she wanted things to be more laid back - i agreed. somehow towards the end she became all childish and "hyperactive" and talked in a different accent and apparently it was because of me putting her into a good mood. anyways!

Anyway, i told her, we'll start again, and start from the start i told her to forget everything i had told her these past 6 months (because she had kept saying "you love me dont you" "you wouldnt be able to cope if i left you") i got sick of it cause she kept saying it even after she told me she didnt feel the same way! i just wanted to build things again on a good foundation.

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anyway, now i need a bit of advice. I have fixed things with myself - we decided not to see each other tomorrow because she is busy cooking, and we probably wont be seeing each other for 2 weeks since shes got things on (shes not avoiding, she really has things on like school stuff)

How do I make her/aspie's feel loved, how do i give her a chance to love me without pressure? Do i occaisionally give her space? do I give her gifts? do i just constantly talk about her day with her? do i just keep sending cute messages? do i think about myself for once (as in my priorities?)

Thanks in advance!