Why is she backing off now?
17 Jun 2009, 11:38 am
I'm sixteen years old, female, and I'm at least bisexual. By that I mean that I can be attracted to people of either gender, but the only sustainable relationship I've ever had has been with a girl.
I've been 'dating' this girl for a year and a half, and we've both been through some tough times. We've both been in counselling for issues related to depression and anxiety, and she's helped me through a lot.
However, there are some serious problems that I have trouble dealing with.
1.) She doesn't understand my need for privacy. She outed first herself and then me despite my insistence that she did not. She also casually tells people personal things about me or about our relationship.
2.) We want different things. Sometimes I want physical contact, but quite often it makes me feel uncomfortable or even just bored. She talks about things that make me feel uncomfortable, such as how 'sexy' she finds my mum or my English teacher.
3.) I treat her badly. I can admit that. I give her orders instead of listening to what she wants, and I have been violent towards her in the past. Nothing overly serious, but I get angry and hit or push her when she provokes me. She makes me angry a lot.
4.) After I was diagnosed with AS, she refused to talk to me about it. Since she regularly refers to me as 'psycho' or 'insane' I figured that she knew that something was off. But she gets furious with the doctors for 'labelling' me and will not talk about it or help me to understand what's going on. Speaking to her over MSN, whenever I bring up the topic, she punches the keyboard to bring up random letters and numbers to tell me that she's annoyed. This makes me upset because she's the only person I could hope to talk to about something like this.
The last problem is probably the one I most need help with, although our relationship has been rocky for long before then. I'm not sure whether I can cope with this; we're both too immature and I find the commitment difficult. She talks about how we're going to live together when we're older and how we'll be together forever, but I'm unsure as to exactly what I want.
She's the only person who I feel can come close to understanding me, but that still doesn't seem to be enough.
17 Jun 2009, 12:10 pm
I think you kinda answered your own question here. I dont like the word 'immature' because that word is sooo relative. You're too young, or too inexperienced. It sounds like you both get on each others nerves. Maybe this is where things should end. I have no idea if there is any validity to this statement, but I would bet there are very few people who formed long term/life time intimate relationships with their first love, at least when compared to those who are not with high school sweethearts.
Its tough though, it's real painful when someone you care about hurts you, and that pain is usually made worse by the mere fact that it's the love you have making it so worse. Share that with her. I garuantee a lot of the things said back and forth are said more out of the current mood of frustration/anger than from the heart. Probably get so mad you just say something with the intention of making her made, pushing buttons. Not cause either of you mean it.
Just share, share share share share share. But dont be afraid to end it, it'll probably hurt like hell, but you've got a long time to get over it and find someone else.
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?It's a sad thing not to have friends, but it is even sadder not to have enemies.? - El Che
17 Jun 2009, 1:55 pm
A year and a half relationship, and you're 16, you cant really compare with relationships at such a young age.
Thinking out loud hear, apologize if it doesnt make sense. It seems like you've had multiple relationshiops, so you know how to form them. Meaning forming a new one down the line when you're ready to will probably not be difficult, you've got experiance. And the one you're in now is the best one. So if i were to plot it out, you go from worst to best. Meaning the chances are the next one will continue with the trend of getting better, no?
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?It's a sad thing not to have friends, but it is even sadder not to have enemies.? - El Che
17 Jun 2009, 2:12 pm
Well... I've had 'relationships' before, but only a few weeks, and not really with any trust or anything. I'm not really very good with relationships; I have to break them off because it feels so uncomfortable. This is really the first relationship I've ever had with any trust and where I've felt anywhere near to comfortable.
17 Jun 2009, 2:43 pm
Gotta comment on this -- it's unacceptable to hit or shove anyone, especially someone you are in a relationship with. My wife also does this when she is "provoked," and really, it's a BS excuse, and a low-class thing to do. It's gotten to the point where I threaten to do the same back to her, but with my strength behind it -- not something either of us wants.
There's really no excuse for domestic abuse. You really need to find a resolution for this problem you have before it gets you into serious legal trouble or hurts someone. Will you do the same to your children someday? Beat them when they talk back? Because that's all kids do -- talk back and make trouble.
Don't blow this off - you could be sitting in a jail cell someday, with someone else's doctor bills to pay for and a world of weight and guilt on your conscience. People are going to do things you don't like -- hitting them won't solve it. It will just make them hate you.
17 Jun 2009, 3:02 pm
Yes, that's exactly what I worry about. Although I don't usually have strong anger when people talk back to me or insult me, I have quite violent bursts of emotion sometimes when I get riled, and she deliberately does this to try and get a reaction out of me. For example, she'll bring one of her friends in front of me and talk about how I'm a 'nutter' or whatever, and refuses to stop unless I react to her, like by pushing her away from me or poking her arm to get her to be quiet. It isn't a problem everyday, just in arguments when she deliberately tries to show me up by getting me to react in front of other people.
17 Jun 2009, 3:31 pm
Yes, that's exactly what I worry about. Although I don't usually have strong anger when people talk back to me or insult me, I have quite violent bursts of emotion sometimes when I get riled, and she deliberately does this to try and get a reaction out of me. For example, she'll bring one of her friends in front of me and talk about how I'm a 'nutter' or whatever, and refuses to stop unless I react to her, like by pushing her away from me or poking her arm to get her to be quiet. It isn't a problem everyday, just in arguments when she deliberately tries to show me up by getting me to react in front of other people.
She doesn't really sound like a good match then. It is normal for teens to try to extrapolate into the future and say they'll be together forever, etc., but in all likelihood you'll be through a few people before you settle down. You definitely are a different person at 16 than you will be at 25, than you will be at 35. You certainly don't need to settle for a person who publicly embarrasses or taunts you. Rest assured that there is someone out there for you, and you have a lot of time (the rest of your life) to find that person.
You mention you are "at least bisexual" -- do you think maybe you are full-out lesbian, but afraid to draw that conclusion yet? It does seem like a lot of lesbians are sort of ambivalent about it at a younger age, and it is normal for gay women to have a straight relationship with a guy before they figure out it's not for them. Is that maybe why the previous relationships didn't feel right? Were all of the previous ones with guys?
17 Jun 2009, 3:43 pm
She doesn't really sound like a good match then. It is normal for teens to try to extrapolate into the future and say they'll be together forever, etc., but in all likelihood you'll be through a few people before you settle down. You definitely are a different person at 16 than you will be at 25, than you will be at 35. You certainly don't need to settle for a person who publicly embarrasses or taunts you. Rest assured that there is someone out there for you, and you have a lot of time (the rest of your life) to find that person.
Since we take a lot of the same classes at the moment, I do see a lot of her. Do you think maybe we'll grow further apart in the years to come when we take different subjects and go off to university? She sees this relationship as sustainable, but although I can't imagin being with anybody else, I can't see myself with her that far in the future. It upsets me, because at the beginning, we had a very nurturing relationship and now I feel like we can't stand each other.
Yes, all the previous ones were with guys, but I think the main difference is that I wasn't really friends with them for a while before, so I didn't feel right letting them close to me. This girl had been my best friend for a while before, and we had quite a protective friendship. It could be that I'm completely gay, but I haven't had enough experience to say for certain, as I've never had that level of relationship with a guy.
17 Jun 2009, 3:50 pm
1.) She doesn't understand my need for privacy. She outed first herself and then me despite my insistence that she did not. She also casually tells people personal things about me or about our relationship.
Thats a boundary issue, she is overstepping yours and its just wrong.
2.) We want different things. Sometimes I want physical contact, but quite often it makes me feel uncomfortable or even just bored. She talks about things that make me feel uncomfortable, such as how 'sexy' she finds my mum or my English teacher.
That is thoughtless.
3.) I treat her badly. I can admit that. I give her orders instead of listening to what she wants, and I have been violent towards her in the past. Nothing overly serious, but I get angry and hit or push her when she provokes me. She makes me angry a lot.
You might need to get some help with that if you haven't already; my own rule for myself is to leave quickly if I think I am getting towards being too angry.
4.) After I was diagnosed with AS, she refused to talk to me about it. Since she regularly refers to me as 'psycho' or 'insane' I figured that she knew that something was off. But she gets furious with the doctors for 'labelling' me and will not talk about it or help me to understand what's going on. Speaking to her over MSN, whenever I bring up the topic, she punches the keyboard to bring up random letters and numbers to tell me that she's annoyed. This makes me upset because she's the only person I could hope to talk to about something like this.
It sounds like she has no respect for you; I personally would rather be alone than with someone who will eventually affect my self-esteem by putting me down and saying they fancy my family members instead of me etc.
I know you are both young but this relationship sounds like it will hurt you more than help you. I hope you find the courage to make a good decision for yourself.
17 Jun 2009, 4:05 pm
Since we take a lot of the same classes at the moment, I do see a lot of her. Do you think maybe we'll grow further apart in the years to come when we take different subjects and go off to university? She sees this relationship as sustainable, but although I can't imagin being with anybody else, I can't see myself with her that far in the future. It upsets me, because at the beginning, we had a very nurturing relationship and now I feel like we can't stand each other.
School is almost out for Summer though, right? Or did you mean next year? It sounds kind of like you've both had too much of eachother, a normal thing for both friends and people in a relationship. I can guarantee that once you both hit college, this relationship won't go on, and that both of you will meet nice people and have new, great relationships. College is especially great for meeting other gay and lesbian people -- I should know, my roommate in college was gay, and he was having the time of his life with the large amounts of gay activism and organizations there.
In the meantime, just try to get some time apart once in a while, and make your feelings known that you don't appreciate what she's doing. No one likes criticism, but at the same time, it's not right for you to put up with something that is pushing your buttons.
17 Jun 2009, 4:14 pm
Yes, school is practically over and since I'm in my last year of being in her classes (next year is Sixth Form and we're not in any of the same classes), I feel like the summer is the best time to make that decision; do I want to pursue this relationship, let it die a natural death, or actively assist in its destruction...?
Whatever happens, I don't want to make either of us more unhappy.
17 Jun 2009, 4:50 pm
Well, it's common for people in their first relationships (or first relationships in a while) to cling to them abnormally strongly. It is especially common in the young.
This does not seem like a healthy relationship for either of you. Either way, you're going to be unhappy, but it's going to be worse if this relationship continues in the same way that it has.
_________________
"Let reason be your only sovereign." ~Wizard's Sixth Rule
I'm working my way up to Attending Crazy Taoist. For now, just call me Dr. Crazy Taoist.
18 Jun 2009, 12:26 pm
That's what I think too... but she insists that there's no problem. I talk to her about it and she gets really upset and then I feel really insensitive. I don't understand her at all, and I don't even know how I feel in this relationship.
18 Jun 2009, 1:09 pm
I don't mean to blame your relationship faults on you, but we are only getting one side of the story here, and i think we will only ever get one side of the story. You have been diagnosed with aspergers as well, so you are more htan likely not telling us some very important things because you cannot percieve them. Everyone here is going to tell you to get out of this relationship, everyone is going to give you that active little push and i don't think any of us truly know if that is the best thing to do or not.
I'd suggest you remain in the relationship, until you can make the decision without asking a forum full of people. Relationships fail because of a lack of understanding, and you can only gain such understanding from being in a relationship. The fact you are still in the relationship suggests to me there is something there. Everyone needs alone time, i don't believe you're getting enough.
18 Jun 2009, 1:47 pm
As was previously mentioned, you're only 16, relationships at your age should be about fun and trying out things. I realize it often seems more serious than that, but trust me, in ten years you'll look back and think "wtf was I thinking?" Many people, especially teenagers, want to make things seem far more profound than they actually are. Take a step back and don't put too much weight in your decision, just let things happen naturally.
