'reading' others love

Post Reply New Topic

my boyfriend said he was sad that I could not tell that he loved me.

I have said to him that I can only tell what someone thinks by what they say and cant 'feel' or 'read' them.

I do not mind that I cant tell that he loves me, I have not 'felt' loved by anyone. Iam used to being like this. However I do not want to make him sad.


What is the best way to reconsile this?

I do not want to lie to him to 'make him happy' and I firmly believe in honesty and being what I am.

But I dont want to make him sad or upset.

what solutions have others found for not being able to tell what their lover is feeling or thinking?

have you made people sad that you dont know what they think?

Last edited by lotusblossom on 23 Jun 2009, 5:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ooohh..I have a really hard time with this....I have more than made people sad...I have really hurt and ended relationships because I couldn't tell the person loved me...I struggle with this one all the time....it is part of the reason i worry a lot...is because I never/or hardly can tell...Then there is the suffering of not being able to tell when a person doesn't love me...that has caused a lot of pain too..

Maybe this has made Flakey sad.....but I am not sure about my other partner....I don't know if it would make him sad...he is very ASish..and his romantic sentiments are subtle...and he has a lot of sarcastic humor...that I am always taking literally...but he will also do things like show up wearing all the clothes I got him..and I just have to take it as maybe a sign....

Think about it this way: Is it rational to believe he'd want to spend time with you if he didn't love you more than whatever else he enjoys?

just forward your post to him so he will understand - that might help him feel more connected to you.

it does not bother me so much that I dont know that he loves me, I have never felt loved by anyone and I am used to that and dont know any different.

it bothers him that I dont know it, he thinks i should 'feel' it.

and yes the way I would 'work out' that he loved me would be by using logical deduction but that does not make him feel better, in fact the more I 'go on' about it the more agitated he becomes.

It makes me feel embarrassed and inadequate that I do not know these things or be bothered by them, I feel that Im not a 'people'.

tell him "i hear that you feel like i don't love you, hon. i'm baking a pie. wanna come over for dinner?" bake a pie, cook something, or buy it in a store, heck just have a cup of tea together

lol, he posts on this forum and reads all my posts (poor him!). he says he does not understand but is trying to. I thought that he would be the same in this regard because of haveing AS but obviously he must have a different kind of AS to me.

he knows I love him, I am very good at verbally expressing myself in a loving way. I feel my own love, I just dont feel other peoples love.

Thats very reasuring to me that you also have difficulty with this Poopy!

yes I have made problems with not knowing or not seeing the significance in people not loving me aswell!

do you feel you should end the relationship if your bf does not love you then? Do you want/need/care to be loved by him?

do you have this problem with other relationships too (such as family) or is it only in sexual relationships?

But what if logical deduction is the only method to approach this problem for a person with autism? It's not like you can learn to "feel social cues". You can only learn to systematize them into logical units that fits with your previous experiences. Although you can't feel his approaches, you will be able to feel the effect of them within you if you allow yourself to analyze them. I think the whole problem boils down to a slight misunderstanding; What is meant as feeling love? The approach or the effect?

Everybody are typically dependent on the approach to understand other people's intentions. Autists just interpret the signals in a logical way, while neuro typicals interpret them automatically with emotions.

Or at least that's what I think...

What possible reason do you want to do this? Without going into an in depth discussion of 'love' whether there is a concrete thing or it is completely individual experience, you either believe him or you don't.

my reason is because I dont like making him sad.

my friend said that I should just lie and tell him that of course I know that he loves me.

I do not feel comfortable lieing so wanted an alternative solution.

You can't change what you are not born feeling. This is just who you are and I'm sure he'll come around and get to used to it. Two people with AS can still have varying strengths/weaknesses. I can "feel" what another person is about, but I can't read them, and it's pretty darn hard for me to actually look at them, so I have to go with what I feel. So I'm the opposite of you.

But I know someone who is very similar to you and he used to say to his girlfriend, "When you tell me, then I know and that's the only way" and so every time she wanted to be sure he knew, she would tell him and he would kiss her. It became like a like a funny secret between the two and if anything, it seemed to deepen the connection even if he wasn't able to "feel" her love. He just knew it because it ws fact and she told him. She, in return felt loved because she could feel it in him when he responded to her statement of it. I think that's a pretty cool story.

No..because I am pretty sure he does...I just have to wrestle with my rigid/literal thinking and not let certain silly things get to my head and make me feel bad....it is in some ways irrational to not think he loves me..
I just don't know how to automatically have that feeling/take it for granted...

With Flakey...we have been together for so long...and been quite through the mill....it has been repeatedly demonstrated that I am more-or-less indispensable....but still at times I can feel sorta flippantly about it....and in the past I had troubles with constantly worrying about being replaced.

With my other friend....he is firstly and foremostly my friend...we are pretty much each-other's closest friends...we are both stubborn and childlike and...erg...hard to explain....I dote on him a lot...like a child....and maybe some of what I do is silly and unnecessary...but I do some good stuff..like look after him when he is injured and look after his health as best as I can and find him stuff pertaining to his interests...and like to feel appreciated sometimes...

With family and friends and whatnot...I have trouble registering love appropriately...I don't automatically know how to feel it....and that can cause me some trouble....like....I have had trouble expressing appropriate grief at the death of a loved one...i really have no automatic emotional bond with my sister or cousins...i am close to my parents because I am a lot like them though


I think that my ASish friend has similar difficulties with registering emotions...

Last edited by poopylungstuffing on 23 Jun 2009, 6:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you Celtic Goddess, that is very reasuring to hear!

I hope my story has a happy ending too

Thanks Poopy