Page 1 of 2 [ 20 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

roadGames
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2007
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 401

24 Jun 2009, 3:39 am

Well, if any of you guys remember (I don't expect you to as it was pretty insignificant), I got rejected by this girl I referred to as chubby (although still quite cute, imo) a while ago (if you need any background, go here: http://www.wrongplanet.net/posts97919-start60.html). A kind of weird situation emerged after that, because she still insisted on talking to me after telling me she wasn't looking for a relationship at the moment. She might've literally meant that as she had just recently broken up with her bf of 2 years, but I'll stick to the safe side and construe it as meaning "I'm not looking for a relationship with you." Normally, I would just proceed to cut off all contact with a girl after such a rejection in accordance with what my friends say and general internet advice, but I didn't this time. Intuitively, it does make sense to cut off contact. Why be platonic friends with somebody you want to have a relationship with, isn't your attraction always going to get in the way and end up frustrating the s**t out of you? Isn't it kind of emasculating? She probably told her close friends the story about how she rejected some weird nerd, right? That's pretty weak.

Anyways, I hung out with her again today for the first time in a while and really connected with her in a way that I suppose is really not acceptable if you follow the PUA literature (not that it's to be taken without a grain of salt) or even most online advice. We talked about all sorts of stuff like our mutual problem of meeting people at our university due to being commuters, how we're graduating with barely knowing anybody as a result of being commuter hermits, and the sorts of people you do end up being kind of friends with at uni, but how it ends up being more like colleagues or something since all you have in common is your major. We also talked about plenty of lighter stuff, too.

I ended up coming out of it with the impression that she's lonely as hell just like me, which is kind of surprising given how easy she is to converse with and that she is actually pretty cute. Of course I didn't tell her that, because I'm not one to compliment people like that and it'd be awkward. I've never had this kind of conversation with a girl before, and it definitely felt extremely friends zonish (why the hell would you tell all of this unattractive stuff about yourself to someone you're into). It's funny how this is the first meaningful conversation I feel like I've had with a girl I'm attracted to.

My mind wants to think I still have a chance, but it's full of crap. Like myself, it seems that she wants to find somebody confident (I may say confident things, but my body language says the contrary) and fun who makes you forget about your problems, and I don't have that effect on people yet. I've so strongly adhered to the idea that you should drop communication with girls after getting rejected by them and that you look like a woman if you're close friends with girls, that I've never actually befriended one beyond just acquaintance before. I guess it's good to experience things at least once before writing them off.

There is no real punchline to this thread, lol.



PilotPirx
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 8 May 2008
Age: 50
Gender: Male
Posts: 237
Location: Amsterdam, NL

24 Jun 2009, 4:36 am

roadGames wrote:
Normally, I would just proceed to cut off all contact with a girl after such a rejection in accordance with what my friends say and general internet advice, but I didn't this time. Intuitively, it does make sense to cut off contact. Why be platonic friends with somebody you want to have a relationship with, isn't your attraction always going to get in the way and end up frustrating the sh** out of you?


Nope, it depends on the character of the other person. She doesn't want a relationship weith you, just want to be friends. This may seem difficult in the first wo weks, but soon enough you too will stop to think about her in terms of a possible relation. Then you are still friends and you have somebody to talk or whatever.

roadGames wrote:
Isn't it kind of emasculating? She probably told her close friends the story about how she rejected some weird nerd, right? That's pretty weak.


Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. You don't know, so don't expect the worst. All the other stuff you write shows, that she is a nice character.

roadGames wrote:
Anyways, I hung out with her again today for the first time in a while and really connected with her in a way that I suppose is really not acceptable if you follow the PUA literature (not that it's to be taken without a grain of salt) or even most online advice. We talked about all sorts of stuff like our mutual problem of meeting people at our university due to being commuters, how we're graduating with barely knowing anybody as a result of being commuter hermits, and the sorts of people you do end up being kind of friends with at uni, but how it ends up being more like colleagues or something since all you have in common is your major. We also talked about plenty of lighter stuff, too.


So you have something in common and somebody to talk.

Give this friendship a chance.


_________________
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before (E.A.Poe)


ToadOfSteel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Sep 2007
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,157
Location: New Jersey

24 Jun 2009, 8:16 am

One thing I do recommend is to go ahead and compliment her... if she's not the most confident woman in the world, hearing some supportive and/or appreciative words, even from someone who is not actually a lover, is one of the most uplifting experiences in the world that she can have right now...



Aspiewordsmith
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2008
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 556
Location: United Kingdom, England, Berkshire, Reading

24 Jun 2009, 8:37 am

The saying you may not always have a girlfriend but at least you have always got a friend is not always true. A person may not always have a girlfriend. That part is true but to my experience you have not always got a friend either. The saying you have always a friend is utter bollocks. This is from my experience since I've been pushed from pillar to post more times than anyone has had hot dinners. I've been rejected by girls when I was a teenager and in my early adulthood if they have been on the independent side and if they have a nice character for years that has not been seen. Now I know I am no one's type of person even as a friend unless it is to get something off of me. If not then no one wants to know. All women I've managed to have a relationship were ulgy with bad characters or those that llived with parents who thought I was the biggest shithouse ever. This is my personal experience decent people didn't want to know me. :arrow:



Wombat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Oct 2006
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,051

24 Jun 2009, 8:40 am

God help you when a girl wants to be your "friend".

It means that she does not see you as macho enough to be a potential mate. She does not respect you as a "man".

I think a lot of women are genetically wired to seek out strong dominant males even when they are total jerks who slap them around.

Look for a girl who is smart enough to see your good points or tell this girl that you are dead serious about her and demand her attention.



WhiskeryBeast
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 27 Sep 2007
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 52
Location: Reno, NV

24 Jun 2009, 8:52 am

Gentlemen please, can we stop with the girl bashing for a second?

If she said no to a relationship, it does mean exactly that, no to a romantic relationship. That doesn't mean that you can never be friends with women, or said woman in particular. It's nice that you had a great conversation with her. But that's all you had - a great conversation. And that's how she wants to keep it. Just because she rejected you doesn't mean that she automatically has leprosy. It is still possible to pursue a meaningful friendship with another person.


_________________
The rose and the thorn, and sorrow and gladness are linked together.


Kenjuudo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2009
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,552
Location: Norway

24 Jun 2009, 8:58 am

Wombat wrote:
God help you when a girl wants to be your "friend".

It means that she does not see you as macho enough to be a potential mate. She does not respect you as a "man".

I think a lot of women are genetically wired to seek out strong dominant males even when they are total jerks who slap them around.

Look for a girl who is smart enough to see your good points or tell this girl that you are dead serious about her and demand her attention.
Completely wrong. Also, you can't demand anything from anybody. You can however expect. Expecting but receiving nothing is a viable outcome. Grow up and deal with it in a less egocentric fashion.


_________________
When superficiality reigns your reality, you are already lost in the sea of normality.


Wombat
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Oct 2006
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,051

24 Jun 2009, 9:07 am

WhiskeryBeast wrote:
If she said no to a relationship, it does mean exactly that, no to a romantic relationship. That doesn't mean that you can never be friends with women, or said woman in particular.


You are right. I stand corrected.

I would love to be friends with Bette Middler or Goldie Hawn or Dolly Parton but would I want to be married to them? Hell, no.



roadGames
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2007
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 401

24 Jun 2009, 1:45 pm

Wombat wrote:
God help you when a girl wants to be your "friend".

It means that she does not see you as macho enough to be a potential mate. She does not respect you as a "man".

Yeah, this is pretty much the same conclusion I came to initially. I asked my good friend about this and he was saying that he had no female friends that he hadn't had sex with, but the dude looks like the main actor from the show Entourage. So, the tables are completely turned for him. Indeed, he's the one telling girls he wants to be platonic friends with them (after having sex with them, of course, which probably drives a lot of girls insane). It's literally a different universe for him.


Wombat wrote:
I think a lot of women are genetically wired to seek out strong dominant males even when they are total jerks who slap them around.

To an extent, nobody will argue with that.

Wombat wrote:
Look for a girl who is smart enough to see your good points or tell this girl that you are dead serious about her and demand her attention.

I think I'll do the first part of that statement, but probably continue hanging out with this girl just to get a better idea of what makes girls tick and the fact that she's an interesting person. Maybe it's a good idea to experience the "friends zone" so I can get a feel for what it is like so I don't end up falling into the trap of chasing after girls that are giving off "friends zone" signals like so many people here do. I won't tell her I'm serious about her (which I'm not really), though, because that's just creepy/desperate as hell after getting rejected.



MissConstrue
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,046
Location: Missouri

24 Jun 2009, 3:41 pm

Well if it were me, I'd rather that person be upfront and direct in where our relationship stands than to waste my time by dodging the issue. I hate to say it, but at least she was honest.

Also just because you got rejected doesn't mean you're going to get rejected by every girl fat or thin. Attraction and chemistry aren't always easy to explain since they're just as complicating as humans who differ in traits of various tastes.


_________________
I live as I choose or I will not live at all.
~Delores O’Riordan


roadGames
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2007
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 401

24 Jun 2009, 4:12 pm

MissConstrue wrote:
Well if it were me, I'd rather that person be upfront and direct in where our relationship stands than to waste my time by dodging the issue. I hate to say it, but at least she was honest.

Also just because you got rejected doesn't mean you're going to get rejected by every girl fat or thin. Attraction and chemistry aren't always easy to explain since they're just as complicating as humans who differ in traits of various tastes.


Yeah, I agree with you, actually. Although the way I framed it basically made it so she couldn't waffle an answer. Also, she was definitely trying to hook me up with her friend as she does that kind of stuff a lot with people, so whoever was saying that in the original thread was dead on.



TheKingsRaven
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 16 Feb 2009
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 306
Location: UK

24 Jun 2009, 5:47 pm

roadGames wrote:
Isn't it kind of emasculating? She probably told her close friends the story about how she rejected some weird nerd, right? That's pretty weak.
Try to be a good sport about getting rejected, if you put too much into it there's no way someone can say no without hurting you and its just not fair to put someone in that position. Almost no one wants to hurt someone's feelings but pity dates don't help anyone.



Microdot
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 23 Jun 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 7

25 Jun 2009, 12:40 am

WhiskeryBeast wrote:
Gentlemen please, can we stop with the girl bashing for a second?

If she said no to a relationship, it does mean exactly that, no to a romantic relationship. That doesn't mean that you can never be friends with women, or said woman in particular. It's nice that you had a great conversation with her. But that's all you had - a great conversation. And that's how she wants to keep it. Just because she rejected you doesn't mean that she automatically has leprosy. It is still possible to pursue a meaningful friendship with another person.


Misery loves company. He can hang out with her and they can both be miserable or he can put himself out there and start looking for someone else. Unless she's the only friend he has, he should probably distance himself from her and give himself an opportunity to meet someone else.



roadGames
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2007
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 401

25 Jun 2009, 1:08 am

Microdot wrote:
WhiskeryBeast wrote:
Gentlemen please, can we stop with the girl bashing for a second?

If she said no to a relationship, it does mean exactly that, no to a romantic relationship. That doesn't mean that you can never be friends with women, or said woman in particular. It's nice that you had a great conversation with her. But that's all you had - a great conversation. And that's how she wants to keep it. Just because she rejected you doesn't mean that she automatically has leprosy. It is still possible to pursue a meaningful friendship with another person.


Misery loves company. He can hang out with her and they can both be miserable or he can put himself out there and start looking for someone else. Unless she's the only friend he has, he should probably distance himself from her and give himself an opportunity to meet someone else.


why shouldn't i remain friends with her for the time being AND meet other girls at the same time? seems like they aren't mutually exclusive unless the other girls i approach somehow know her or she starts interfering.



sunshower
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Aug 2006
Age: 120
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,985

25 Jun 2009, 1:24 am

roadGames wrote:
Microdot wrote:
WhiskeryBeast wrote:
Gentlemen please, can we stop with the girl bashing for a second?

If she said no to a relationship, it does mean exactly that, no to a romantic relationship. That doesn't mean that you can never be friends with women, or said woman in particular. It's nice that you had a great conversation with her. But that's all you had - a great conversation. And that's how she wants to keep it. Just because she rejected you doesn't mean that she automatically has leprosy. It is still possible to pursue a meaningful friendship with another person.


Misery loves company. He can hang out with her and they can both be miserable or he can put himself out there and start looking for someone else. Unless she's the only friend he has, he should probably distance himself from her and give himself an opportunity to meet someone else.


why shouldn't i remain friends with her for the time being AND meet other girls at the same time? seems like they aren't mutually exclusive unless the other girls i approach somehow know her or she starts interfering.


I say remain friends with her and meet other girls! I don't understand this attitude people had that if the girl doesn't want to date you romantically, then dump her like she's diseased - cause who wants to be friends with a girl? It makes me angry and sad, because most of my friends are guys, and if all the guys who were romantically interested in me at some point had the same attitude and rejected me and my friendship, I probably would lose over half my friends who I care about deeply, and that would be devastating.

Take it from my perspective - I remained friends with the guy who rejected me romantically, and not for one second have I ever regretted it. We have a fantastic lifelong friendship (we were friends first, after all) and over time I was able to get over the romantic feelings and fully enjoy the wonderful friendship we have for what it is.


_________________
Into the dark...


Microdot
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 23 Jun 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 7

25 Jun 2009, 2:01 am

sunshower wrote:
I say remain friends with her and meet other girls! I don't understand this attitude people had that if the girl doesn't want to date you romantically, then dump her like she's diseased - cause who wants to be friends with a girl?


He has little to no history with this woman as a friend outside a failed romantic interest. So he's the only person who can honestly gauge whether he should consider being a "friend".

It has nothing to do with being diseased, it has everything to do with expectations.

When she starts dating someone else, is he going to be excited and happy for her? If she starts complaining about her new boyfriend, does he secretly hope it will fail? If she dumps or gets dumped by the new guy, would he get his hopes up that she might consider him as a backup? If he has any hope that he might hook up with this girl at some point in the future, he's better off walking away.