Accused of being a virgin by an NT...

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First off, I really like this site, it really makes me feel not so alone on this cold desolate world of ours Been reading this site on occasion, but I've only needed input just recently.

Anyway, back to topic lol.

So, first a little history. A few months ago, I dated this one girl for a whole day lol. It crashed and burned, but we remained friends afterwards. She is an NT with an IQ of 138, member of mensa, and is extremely blunt, which I find highly desirable. She is also aware of the fact I have diagnosed Aspergers.

Anyway, tonight she confessed why she didn't want to persue more. Apparantly, she thinks of herself as a "sexual deviant"... and she actually accused me of being a virgin!

Without getting into the nitty gritty, I can say I'm quite the opposite, if not quite the freak in bed. We actually compared notes, and I beat her in spades!

What bothers me... is the fact that I may be perceived as some strange creature who "doesnt know front from back" I've had serious problems with women in the past. It's not like I find it difficult to talk to women in general, I could walk right up to one without the slightest hesitation, it just bothers me that women might think I'm somewhat... "inexperienced."

Now NTs who aren't aware of my diagnosis find me to be what they call a "Nice guy." Contrary to this expectation, I do not desire to be anything more than single, but I don't strive to make that apparant. Should I strive to alter my approach, and be the same cavalier guy who doesn't really care?

Also, is this fairly common? I know Aspies in general have a VERY HARD TIME with the opposite sex, but to go so far as to be assumed a virgin ...?

one can be 'inexperienced' in many things and a 'virgin' every time you do something. The time that a 'virgin' meant "devoid of all sexual contact" has changed. Especially when it is considered a derogatory term.

Chill, dude. She is might not have liked being beaten 'in spades'at her own little game and to get back at you has made you insecure.


Merle

That doesn't seem fitting.

I was flirting a bit, nothing too intense, and she was like well i wouldnt think it would work... so i said... whys that... and she said she "was a sexual deviant"... so i asked her what does she mean by that and how does it relate.. and she was literally like...

"okay have you actually HAD sex before?"

like... ouch!

she didnt actually use the word virgin. I didn't want to write a rediculous wall of text lol.

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Last edited by Cyberman on 05 Jul 2009, 5:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

I would have said right back, "I am a virgin... but more sexually deviant that most non-virgins you'll meet!"

I think the lesson to be learned here is
not many of us can pursue relationships
so quick and socially withdrawn...

Oh. If she's telling you that, maybe it's that she wants to project a certain image. She could have been stung when you didn't immediately get that image of her and be impressed, so she mustered a catty insult which reflects on her more than you?
Because if she was merely sharing information rather than seeking attention, she would not have been annoyed at you asking for further information to make matters clear.

I mean it's actually a very reasonable question, because human sexuality is so varied and there are actually many different ways to be considered 'deviant'.
(Gay, SM, furry etc.. )

You could say that. "There are actually so many ways I know of to be deviant that I'm not sure which one you're referring to."
The only other explanation is if by 'deviant' she meant lesbian, but... why not just say that? And she wouldn't have dated you.

Yeah, I'm sorry someone tried to put you down. And in such a personal way.

Yeah, giving off the 'virgin' vibe can be damaging. I'm not sure what else I can add, really, except that this may explain why some of us have struggled to get dates in the past and present.

I think sinsboldy might be right... even more so after your follow-up. She wanted to impress you and make you think she was all kinky with the line about being a sexual deviant.. (or was just looking for an excuse not to see you?) and when you asked her for more information about what she considered to be deviant, she didn't have anything but the party line, so she insulted you instead.

Short of videotaping your sexual encounters, there isn't much of a way to back it up. I can talk about my encounters all day, and I know what I'm talking about because I've had a few. What makes people want to call you out on this is if you spend too much time on the subject (1 track mind), getting defensive will only make them feel they are right. They're wrong as hell for trying to put you down for a rise, but I can tell you where you went wrong...

You broke the first of the 48 laws of power, you tried to outshine the master. No doubt you didn't want to outshine her, but when you gave your honest answer to your experiences, she felt threatened and had to put you down (she defend's her ego here). In the future, if you just seem like it's not the biggest deal in the world, or give fewer details so as to give them less to compete with, they'll ask a few questions, but they won't call you out to your face (they might start a rumor behind your back). This is just people being selfish and I personally had no idea the world worked like this until some of my closest friends showed me.

Yeah, I've had it, even from work colleagues who know nothing about my private life.

A lot of the virgin assumption is down to our outward physical appearance - if you have traits considered unattractive to women (short stature, skinny build, micrognathia (weak jaw), juvenile/infantile features), combined with a timidness, your assumed sexually inexperienced.

First off, what's wrong with being considered a nice guy?! I'd think that's a plus over being considered some slimy, bottom-feeding, can't-keep-it-in-his-pants, shallow SOB.

Why assume she's NT? Is she socially popular with other women or is she just popular with guys 'cause she's easy to get in bed? Actually, she sounds like a Aspie on these boards, who doesn't want to hang out with nice guys, doesn't feel she's good enough to be treated well, needs to be given trash sex...

So she thought you a virgin because she's shallow, superficial, and expects a "real man" to walk balls forward... you corrected her immature assumptions. Now she knows you're more experienced that she is... so is she having sex with you?

well? ARE you a virgin? she didn't ask if you had ebola, she just asked you if you have ever had sex. Isn't that communication? Am I supposed to just infer that being a virgin is a bad thing? If she asked you if you had ever played a video game before wouldn't you just tell her? Why was it so difficult to tell her of all your sexual exploits, since you were already talking about kink?
I don't understand your issue.

Merle

I am virgin and most people who know me are automatically aware of that without even telling them a word. Besides, new people quickly amuse that I am single for some reason as I am not supposed to be otherwise.

I've always noticed too that 'relationship inexperience' in guys is a major turn off for girls , I can see why tho , inexperience (for adults) is always a negative sign/indication no matter what.
I heard once my coworker admits bluntly 'I like an experienced guy' and that was in a sexual context , yet she's religious and against pre-marital sex, such contradiction puzzles me.

girls say "i don't think it would work" as a subconscious test to see how you respond."

the correct/passing responses to this test are "you're right. we'd fight half the time and have make up sex the rest" or "you're right. you probably couldn't handle me."

She was making a sarcastic comment to imply that it was stupid to ask how she was deviant. Which may mean she thinks there's only one kind of deviance.. lol