Initiating

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I was raised that in dating Men should do the initiating. The calling, the asking of dates etc. And that a man was to be the one chasing and the girl being the one being chased.

But my bf is an Aspie and if I didn't do the initiating I'm afraid I would never see or talk to him. He started off initiating and then once we were going good he just stopped. By now I'm crazy about him and therefore I keep initiating for fear If I don't I won't have any contact with him.

We have talked about this on several occasions. I have as honestly and straight forward has possible told him how important it is to me for him to initiate the contact, and when I tell him it gets better for about a week and then right back to me doing it all.

So is it ok... for the woman to do the initiating... are Aspie men turned off by this? Do Aspie men want to do the chasing?

Honestly, my best relationships have been when my partner is an active initiator - not to say that the responsibility falls to her, but it is an assurance in its own way that there is interest on her side that soothes my insecurities.


M.

It probably depends on the individual, but my guess is that if he isn't doing the chasing then he'd rather have you call the shots. Maybe he's afraid of screwing up, or afraid of you rejecting his suggestions. My boyfriend is definitely prone to passive reactions to fear of rejection, though not when it comes to setting up dates - he loves to make/suggest plans, and I tend to veto most of them without him flinching. But he wouldn't dare have asked me to be his girlfriend (we just kind of agreed we were dating after we started getting touchy-feely), and I've had to suggest and initiate sexual activity and dictate how I want it because he's insecure and repressed in that area.

Most aspie men are 'shy'-love , so yea ...they're more likely prefer to be chased.

My own feeling is that, once Aspie men reach a goal of some sort - in this case, a relationship with a woman - they seem to feel that it's in place and they can concentrate on the next thing. Have others had this experience? That and the fact that they just are unsure about handling the "maintenance" of a relationship.

I think he probably prefers you initiating the phone calls, the dates, etc. It's something I'm still getting used to after over 20 years.

you know he's had other long term relationships.... we aren't spring chickens... so it's not like i'm his first gf but i often wonder if he participated more in those relationships.... or if they felt as crazy as me.... obviously something worked the relationships lasted more then just a few months. of course they both ended in them cheating on him so something tells me maybe he was just as distant.... i'm really trying not to let it make me crazy.

Last edited by DITZY72 on 02 Jul 2009, 4:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

What dose he say when you talk to him about it? Advice is better with both points of view.

As a stab in the dark, have you considered leaving an opening at the end of a date for the next one. Agree that you'll meet up next week and he'll call when he has something planned.

In an NT-NT match (which is what we are raised to expect out of the world), sure, a man will usually prefer to chase the woman.

Change the logic of one of the partners, and it can flip without much effort at all.

At least for me, Aspie men should be approached. The interest needs to be very outward from the NT, the non-verbal communication doesn't work for most. On the otherhand, I'd attempted to initiate with various girls (note, not women ) for years, and never could understand if they liked me at all. I was also played with a lot which just confused my already messed up head forcing me to need to be approached (I was very discouraged from a couple failed attempts).

When I met my wife, I was out with a group of friends, I never talked to her once, but did make quick eye contact many times. She approached me later and asked me a question about how I met someone there, I answered her question and turned away. Thanks to the Internet and online socialization, things turned around.

[quote="TheKingsRaven"]What dose he say when you talk to him about it? Advice is better with both points of view.

that he is sorry, that he doesn't mean to neglect me, that he's been busy. And like I say for about a week or so... it's wonderful. He's very attentive he calls, he tries to find time to spend with me. And then we start over. I'm running out of creative ways to bring it up, because I want to always express it not only straight forward and honest, but also in a positive way were he doesn't feel attacked or like a failure.

On the wife's thread you mentioned that he loses track of time: I had that problem but it went away once remembering times became my computer's job. I use KAlarm but if he's not on Linux there must be equivalent software for all OSs.

Hopefully a solution to keeping track of time will help him remember when its time to call you.

Agreed, completely.

Any reason why, when you mention to him about the initiating thing, you can't ask him that exact question? While there are trends to what certain types of people tend to like and dislike, when it comes down to it, each individual person is different.

Generally, with NT relationships, we're used to being "missed" when we're not with our BF's/ GF's and expect them to anticipate and look forward to when we will be together again - "counting the minutes".

The first time my husband missed a date with me because he wasn't aware of the time, it really bothered me. He WASN'T counting the minutes. He apologized profusely, but I really don't think he saw it the way I did.

Any reason why, when you mention to him about the initiating thing, you can't ask him that exact question? While there are trends to what certain types of people tend to like and dislike, when it comes down to it, each individual person is different.

Because I'm a big chicken. In past relationships with NT men being forward as been a really bad ideal. So learing to be so upfront and honest is all new for me. I'm learning too here. And I like to wait for good timing to bring up certain things but since we don't get together or talk as often as i would like then it's hard to find a good time.

Actually I do "count the minuets" but that's more because I'm terrified of being late than anything else. I do look forward to seeing friends a lot but I'm never upset that I havn't seen someone for a while.

I do look forward to seeing friends a lot but I'm never upset that I havn't seen someone for a while.

I think that is a plus to being Aspie.... must be calming not to worry about such things.... I'm stressed. :/