lost the connection. how do i fix?

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i think i fit into the mild AS category and the girl in this situation is one of the few people i've ever connected with. she has a few idiosyncrasies (extremely picky eater, writes very tiny roughly equal to 6pt type, is right-handed but doesn't like anything on her left wrist, like me she can't use a standard qwerty board, etc) but she has never indicated anything about an AS diagnosis for herself.

we went from casual acquaintances to friends to me asking her out after she met someone else i didn't know about. this resulted in me being put on hold w/o a clear answer for several months until she finally told me about the guy she is seeing long distance. since she made her choice known, i told her i was still interested but i wasn't going to waste my energies trying to steal her away. she agreed to be friends, but then a week later she questioned my intentions and things went from bad to worse. i am convinced that this whole mess stems from a misunderstanding, and i have made several attempts to talk to her about it, but even though she says she isn't mad at me she won't meet me to discuss.

the last i spoke to her before this past week was late May 2009. that was right after the all the drama and i said that i wanted to talk and clear things up. i never said boo at her again until 1-Aug to invite her once more to talk. she responded only to say that i need to learn that people don't always respond when i want them to, and that the more i push the longer she will wait to respond.

now that i've written it all out, i wonder if she is AS or NT. i'd also like some ideas on how to proceed. i can't stand unfinished business, unanswered questions, shattered friendships, etc.

Judging from how you have described the situation, you have done nothing wrong. She has made the mistakes here, and although you have tried to reach out and talk things through, she isn't co-operating. If she were really into you she would talk to you and sort things out, and she definitely wouldn't have kept you on the sidelines as a second-best option for months... you deserve better than that. You have done all you can, it's up to her to put some effort into rekindling the friendship; otherwise it doesn't look like it's going to happen. Let her come to you.

I am in a similar situation.

I had a friend that abruptly cut contact. She never gave me any explanation, she just suddenly ignored my e-mails and blocked me from IM, and I know that I didn't do anything that could have made her angry, or that could have offended her.

After six months, I had a friend e-mail her on my behalf. I got a response, but it wasn't an apology for her not explaining things, like she had in the past in the friendship. She was acting as if I was stalking her, when I wasn't. That is, and has never been, my intention with her.

No one has made any mistakes here.

You expressed interested; she was reluctant to explain but in the end did tell you about her situation. She is under no obligation to listen to what you have to say - this is important to remember. She appears to be making it clear based on what you have said that she does not want to revisit the issue, and is hesitant to engage in a more substantial friendship with you. You can't 'fix' other people or how they feel. Either accept, or move on.


M.

Yeah, this sounds all very familiar to me.

The above poster is right, sounds like no one made any mistakes at all. We on the spectrum tend to want clear-cut, very concise facts on what others want or feel. You sound like me in that regard, and without it, we'll sort of pursue and pursue until we've gotten just that - it isn't for any other reason than we just want to be sure, and to know alleviates that nagging obsessiveness that doesn't otherwise go away with time. From what I can gather, if she's made it this hard to connect, then it's obvious she's just "done," and if she has done that, then chances are she wouldn't be a good friend for someone who requires our level of information about the relationship.

While I think she's kind of unaware of your intentions, it isn't worth pursuing further for your sake. Communication takes two willing parties, and she doesn't seem on board here. I think pushing it could make things worse for everyone. I do have a feeling she'll inform you in her own way when you least expect it, I just wouldn't put any more energy into thinking about it. Being desperate to find out what's going on tends to push people even further away, and I know because I've done that quite a few times; waiting for things to develop on their own often leads to that person filling ME in when I no longer care.