What constitutes a "move?"

Post Reply New Topic

I've been married for 20 years, so I am not interested in learning new techniques for myself.

However, I am still clueless about the vocabulary and rituals associated with dating and romance. So, maybe some experts who have studied the situation can clarify things for me.

In another thread, people are discussing which gender should make the first "move", and I may be the only one who doesn't know what in blazes everyone is talking about.

What exactly is a "first move?" Is the first move accomplished when you open a friendly conversation? When you request contact information? When you suggest going somewhere together on what might be termed a date? When you make some sort of physical contact?

What would be the appropriate response to a "first move?" What are the subsequent ordinal moves (second, third, fourth, etc.?).

How do you know when a first move has been accepted or rejected?

What are the basic goals of these "moves?" Have you accomplished your goal once you have achieved vaginal penetration? If so, isn't it simply easier, less confusing, less time-consuming, and more economical to go to a brothel?

At what point and how do you go about communicating your desire for vaginal penetration?

Or, is the goal marriage?

Are dating rituals considerably simplified and easier for homosexuals?

There are different kinds of 'moves'. It could be that someone stands unnaturally close to you when you are walking/talking together, or making comments with romantic overtones. It can also mean asking someone on a date, as with the thread you mention. Different people do different things, but generally the intention behind it is meant to be obvious.

Someone pretty much has to bonk me on the head (figuratively) for me to be sure. I'm so paranoid about guessing wrong. I think I may have lost an opportunity with someone I was very attracted to because the idea that I was misreading his signals was too threatening for me to reciprocate. Not to mention that that kind of thing makes me feel very awkward, like I'm stuck in a bad play. I really really feel stupid trying to flirt-so I don't do it.

I had the opposite thing happen to me, many years ago, when I was single. I was friendly with a lady in the office, and casually asked if she wanted to go out for lunch with me. She said no. I had ABSOLUTELY NO ROMANTIC INTEREST IN HER!! ! But, still, rumours were circulating thoughout the workplace that I had some sort of crush on her. I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT!! !

I've gone to art galleries, had pleasant introductory conversations with women, and just left it at that. If they were waiting for me to make some sort of overture with "obvious intention", then, well, it just wasn't going to happen, however attracted I was to them overall at the time.

What would you think of this approach?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBq5Qo2QhTI&feature=PlayList&p=F05CC12CDBC09D64&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=1[/youtube]

What would it take to make it obvious to the movee that you wish to date him or her? Do you come out and say it? Or do you "beat around the bush" (so to speak) and try to generate inferences through body language?

At what point is the "first move" accomplished?

I am just as clueless as you about the moves. for me, unless it's explicitly said, the "move" only becomes obvious with forced physical contact (like groping the butt ), which I hate and I show it. the trouble is, I couldn't tell if someone was interested in me if my life depended on it. I usually just trust my friends who know that I need to be informed about cases of being the point of someones "obvious" interest.

and I wouldn't know how to make a move either, even if it was socially acceptable to just say it I'd probably end up making some awkward monologue like Hugh Grant in 4 Weddings :p

as to the "point" of making a move- I guess that depends on the situation. some just want to score, some want a relationship, some want marriage and 5 kids and a mistress.

From what I can tell, a move is a display of interest that required feedback from the other person. Ever hear the saying "The ball is in your court" That's basically it, you display interest and hope she displays msome back.

Okay. Suppose that you are at an art museum, and strike up a brief conversation with a hot chick who happens to be there, admiring the paintings.

Is the act of beginning the conversation considered a "move?" Or, do you have to proceed further, and ask her if she would like to meet again at the museum, or perhaps duck into the handicapped restroom stall for a quicky?

For some reason, I'm thinking about a notorious Idaho senator again. His first move was, I think, to tap his legs, which allowed for a plausible argument that he was simply effecting a wide stance.

It seems like it must be a heck of a lot easier for homosexuals to get a quicky (based on a first move) if they want, compared to heterosexuals.

It's based on intent, I'd say trying to take the interaction to anything beyond the polite conversation would be considered a move. I've been hit on by quite a few gay people, one guy had some provokative body language and asked me what my views were on homosexuality. I think you're right, the hookup part is easier, but I'm pretty sure they have a hard time finding gay people, most of people I know are straight.

I always figured the first move would simply be asking a person out on a date. I can't do that so that's why I'm still alone. I figure for males, they are the ones who are expected to ask. I've never known any girls who asked. I think making moves should be very direct, if not, I'll have no idea what the hell they are doing.

pandabear: you say you have been married for 20 years. When you met your wife, was there anything she said or did that made you think, "this girl really likes me"? Or was there something you did to suggest you really liked her?

Jeez, you guys talking about never knowing when a girl is interested in you are lucky. At least you've *had* a girl interested in you at some point, even though you didn't realize it at the time and probably slapped yourself silly when you did. It's far more depressing to think that you probably could tell when a girl is interested, but never getting the chance to find out because not a single one ever has been.

To date (no pun intended), I've still never had a girl show interest in me, at least in the terms of face-to-face interaction that you're speaking of. Online (which doesn't count in some ways and to many doesn't count at all) I've had two girls show interest, but for obvious reasons when it's online it has to be, well, obvious, and pretty much said through direct words. Although, it can be hard to tell that sometimes since over the internet a lot of the social standards that apply in face to face encounters don't apply. (For example, it's not uncommon for people to say they love you or <3 or something similar; so it actually is somewhat difficult to tell if they're being serious or not when they talk about how great you are.)

So, online, I would say the first move is defined very differently than it would be in your standard social setting, and that's the key point. First move depends *entirely* on the context, and the social nuances of whatever situation you're in. Since societal standards are often arbitrary and based on unspoken assumptions that are very hard to understand for most aspies, I don't think the 'first move' can be quantified to your satisfaction or with the precision or consistency that you require. The best I can do is tell you to give me a list of social parameters, the situation, the context, the activities that happened before it, and then describe the action in question, and then I'll tell you whether it was a 'first move' or not. Without accounting for all of those other variables, though, there's just no way to say.

I guess a loosely based definition of a first move would be anything that puts you outside of the comfort zone and/or is unusual for the level of relationship you currently have with the person you're making the move on for the social context that you're currently in, and that also indicates to them that you want to elevate your relationship to what is considered (either by society or by the person in question) to be a romantic and/or sexual one.