Aspies and Borderliners: why the attraction at all?

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I've had a lot of cases of Borderliners getting romantic and/or sexual feelings for me. Often I don't feel the same way; and, like most aspies, I really really REALLY don't get along well with borderliners when the symptoms start to show. I can get along with them ok at the start, but when they start getting overly insecure/suicidal/short-tempered/self-deprecating in that way that they usually do...it's toxic.

Now, there have been quite a few threads on this subject over the years, so I'm not so curious as to why aspies and borderliners usually end up having such toxic relationships. I'm curious about why they end up being attracted to one another in the first place. Have you ever had cases of borderliners falling for you, or vice versa? Why do you think they did? Why can aspies and borderliners have such attraction to one another?

Last edited by Veresae on 07 Jul 2009, 4:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have not really encountered any Borderliners, but my partner, Flakey is a Borderliner magnet..He is more of an ADDer though. He and Borderliners somehow manage to feed off each other.

Just looking for clarification -- by "borderliner," do you mean Borderline Personality Disorder?

Yes, billsmithglendale, that's exactly what I mean.

I've had a situation with a girl who was bipolar, although I'm not sure how similar bipolars and borderliners are. She was very affectionate, a lot more than most NT girls I dated. Within minutes of us sitting down in a coffee shop at the first meeting, she was already touching my hand. Then we went to a sports arcade, where she couldn't keep her hands off me, and kissed me every chance she got. Afterwards, we went somewhere to eat. That's where she admitted to me that she had bipolar disorder. Finally, we went back to her apartment. Things got very intimate, even though there was no sex. But it was still whole lot farther than first dates I had with NT girls.

Such intense affection might be very appealing to aspie guys, especially considering the fact that a lot of them are typically deprived of female attention. So, when an affectionate girl like that comes along, it's easy for attraction to happen almost automatically. After all, that girl gives an aspie something so many other women deny him. As for why borderliners would be attracted to aspies, I can't say. When a girl likes me despite my aspie quirks, I thank whoever is responsible (be it God, my own efforts, or dumb luck) and not question it. Of course, when my best judgment tells me to bail, then it's a different story.

I'm sure a lot of people might think "she's a dream girl" after reading the first paragraph. But I actually have a thread on here about my dilemma involving her. Go here to read it: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt99197.html.

Probably because aspies commonly have low self esteem, and others with low self esteem are attracted to them. Also aspies are generally more desperate, and willing to put up with disrespect/drama because that is how they have been forced to live their lives. Also parents of aspies are also commonly borderliners/narcissists, making their aspie children even more likely to make relationships with those kinds of people later in life.

Borderlines tend to have very intense, obsessive relationships, and trouble relating correctly to other people, which can make it seems as though aspies and borderlines have a lot in common. If you're unsure about relationship boundaries, a borderline who thinks your perfect (their black and white thinking) can, at first, seem very attractive.
They tend to be manipulative and actually have more social ability, able to get along with lots of people (until they get sick of time, think they're horrible, and move on to the next one)

In other words.. the disruption in interpersonal relationships seems very, very similar at first glance, and since they're manipulative and intense, when you first meet them, it can seem like they "really get you."

I think a lot of women diagnosed as borderline are actually aspies, though. It's a diagnosis they tried to give me more than once, since I've had problems with self-injury and have trouble relating to people. I think also because I've known a lot of borderlines, and they've seemed so charismatic, and in a lot of ways, I wanted to be more like them. While their relationships are very unstable, they're good at the beginning part of getting to know someone, and even though they freak out when a relationship ends, they replace it very quickly. I always felt a bit jealous of that charisma they have.

True a lot of people who are diagnosed Borderliner can be Aspies, but a lot of people diagnosed Aspies can also turn out to be Borderliners.

Anyways--what has been said about why aspies at first like borderliners makes sense. I'm also curious why borderliners have a tendency to like aspies.

Well, I am an Aspie and my wife is bipolar.

It hasn't been an easy road. But we took our vows seriously. "In sickness and in health etc"

My wife's psychiatrist said we cling together like an old pair of limpets.

The point is we drew a line in the sand.

We said "This is my final stand. I will stand by my vows no matter what".

I will stand by my wife and she will stand by me till death do us part and NOTHING will stop that.

I think that symptoms that are diagnosed in a woman as borderline are diagnosed in a man as asperger's.

I think part of the attraction is in the similarity, so they feel able to relate.. and the other part is in that aspies are so easily manipulated.

i have a very imposing friend who is BPD. borderline personality disorder i believe is a disorder at the threshold of psychosis but not quite there.

she thinks in black and white and either i am her "savior" or her "nemesis" depending on her state.

she said she sees me as the "eye of her hurricane" where the winds are calm. i am unmoved by her passionate ramblings and she sees that i am not affected by the things that cause her agony. she seeks to learn from me how it is that i am the way she thinks she wants to be. (yes that was a bit cryptic but i can not be basic at the moment)

she thinks that i live in a mindset that is very comfortable and solid, and she likes to be with me when she feels insecure about her mind. she would like to be as unmoved by the world as i am. but i would like to feel some of the passion she has.

if we traded our extremes with each other, then both of us would benefit so much. i would finally know what it is like to care, and she would finally know why she should not care so much.

i think BPD and AS are milk and honey because we are both on the outer fringe of society, and also she wants to be like me and i want to be more like her and we can trade.

i like her and she likes me and we will know each other for life because we each have in abundance what we need from each other.

Because aspies are safe and relatively calm. And naive.

Borderliners flail about on the surface of a sea of doubt, alarm, and emptiness. They can't cope alone, as they don't have their own enduring ideals and values. They need someone else to give their life definition and meaning, and they constantly fear losing access to them. They also fear losing all control to them.

Aspies can look quite appealing when you envy a sense of self and stability. They'll have the same viewpoint next month as they do today. They won't change on you. They're not wildly popular, so they're not at risk of leaving you. They're kinda gullible, so they don't see the craziness that quickly scares others away. They're honest and accommodating. Nonthreatening.

On the other hand, BD people need a lot of reassurance, and aspies aren't as likely to do this or pick up on this.

Perhaps it is because the aspy will be immune to the wildly excessive emotional over-interactions that the borderliner will initiate, and so will not get sucked into and fuel the emotional whirlpool and chaos. The crunch point for the relationship is whether the borderliner will violently and abruptly dump the aspy on the grounds of perceived lack of emotional support during the borderliner's crisis, or will hang on like a limpet during the near-psychotic storms. Non-aspies usually retreat in panic and confusion early in the crisis; perhaps aspies are blessed with borderline-blindness and cannot help but be seen by the borderliner as their rock and to be impressed with the emotional behaviour of the borderline. The key requirement for a non-borderliner to survive and possibly preserve a borderline relationship is to be able to consciously switch off all emotional response and be over-cognitive; is this what aspies do without realising it? But the potential for toxicity and disastrous outcome of a borderline relationship is enormous.

Well, for the borderline's part, they're more likely to rush into intimacy on a whim and are will tend to fall for a wide variety of people; but most are put off by their neediness, emotional instability, and impulsivity. They may recognize the aspie as odd and so see someone they can relate to. On the aspie's part, we generally don't get many chances, so we're floored when anyone shows romantic interest at all.