It's as simple as being back to seeing movies on my own.

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When I was single, before I was ever in love, before I met my husband, I really enjoyed my own company. I traveled on my own, went to restaurants on my own, saw movies on my own. This never bothered me.

Then I met my husband and I thought that being on my own was good, but boy, oh boy, was being in love and married even better! I finally have a "partner in crime".

This didn't last long, and pretty soon, within the marriage, I had to go back to doing things on my own. I figured, "Hey. I was able to do this before meeting Alex. If he won't do things with me, and as long as it's okay with him, I can go back to how I was."

But something was never right after that. I missed having his warm body next to mine when I would be alone in hotels. I missed holding his hand and kissing it as movies played on. But he didn't want to be there, so what could I do but continue alone as a married person.

Perhaps it was my fault. I wanted my husband all to myself and I relied on him to be all those things - my husband, my best friend, my lover, my confidante, my rock. I thought that was part of marriage. I think in his mind he was trying as hard as he could to deliver, but I had no idea that that was his 100% and I ended up asking for more than he could give.

Since our separation, I have gone back to how it was when I was single. Today was the third time I went to the movies on my own. It sucked because the trailer for The Time Traveler's Wife came on and it made me really sad.

"What's wrong with me wanting one normal thing in my life?"

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USUDlMBR-dQ&feature=channel[/youtube]

I have this picture of myself stuck to the fridge and in it, I'm smiling and carefree. It was taken before I knew what heartache was. I'm trying one day at a time to get that feeling back. I look at it and I wish I could bottle up its essence of happiness, swallow the potion, and make the darkness go away.

I've been looking at some dating sites and they scare me. My husband, when he left, said I was a bad person. I cannot see myself going out to date once more. I don't think I'm a bad person, but going out there again might prove my husband right and I don't think I can endure that all over.

By the way, The Hurt Locker was pretty darn good. Intense. It gave me a headache.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhQdJTlo5NI[/youtube]

When relationships are ending sometimes partners say very mean things to each other. It does not make them true. My X is still saying I am crazy, and a bad person, but he is the one that went to jail for abusing our son.

Don't rush back to dating, allow yourself some time to grieve and heal. It is perfectly normal.

It's sad when relationships break up - and it's true that people say things that they don't mean.

All relationships require work. They're like Gardens.... sure, you can look the other way for a while but if you do it too long, they become overgrown with weeds.

The longer you leave them before "maintenance", the more difficult and time-consuming that maintenance is.

Give yourself some time. Try finding a "same-sex" friend to go to the movies with - that way there won't be any "expectations".

It's ok to be upset.

When you're ready, you'll find someone.

I can relate to what Esther says in her original post.

I have always been a bit anxious going out on my own, but I found after my first and last long term relationship, suddenly it was really hard to be on my own. I think you get so used to doing things with someone always at your side and having that assurance and that stability that comes from knowing the love of another, that when it is over, it is incredibly difficult to adjust back to living on your own again.

I know in my case it left me insecure and anxious, and that carried over into my next relationship. That broke up because I was accused of being too clingy, and in retrospect I probably was.

I suppose the answer is time and distance and growing as a person again, but I don't know. It's taking me time and learning to manage my anxiety so I can move on.


john