Manipulation or not?

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Over the last couple of months my significant others choice of clothing for when we go out or do something together is less than desirable. She has dropped a few subtle hints about how it would be nice if I bought her some new clothes, ya know in a jokingly manner, but not. But when she has plans with other people she tends to dress up more and even take a shower.

Would any of you put up with this blatant attempt at manipulation? Or do you consider this not to be a form of manipulation?

Thanks

At first I was confused when I read your post.

So, when the two of you go out, she dresses poorly? But when she goes out with friends, she looks great?

Yes, it is manipulative. Does she often expect you to take care of her?

Not sure...could be subconscious manipulation...really hard to say...She may not think much of the clothes she wears when she goes out with other people...she might be more sensitive to their judgement...and dresses more comfortably around you...cause she's more comfortable with you...
Do you live with her? Maybe she needs a little pick-me up

Very true. But asking someone to buy you stuff is strange to me. She's not a child. It's just not something I would do.

Have you tried to talk to your girlfriend about it?

Yes she has expected me to take care of her in the past but we are trying to work some things out and now she claims that she does not expect this anymore. But I had to pay her utility bill last week and this Friday we were suppose to do something but that fell through because she wanted to hang out at someone elses house. I was invited to stop by her house on Friday to pick up a DVD set and she was dressed up to go out.

She does not like to argue and is not really that good at it anyway but will get pissed off and then the games begin. People that behave like this tend to forget that actions speak louder than words.

I also have to contend with her nodding in out while watching TV (dropping her cigarette on the floor or couch, making snoring noises, bending forward until her head is a couple inches from her knees then she jerks her head up). !0 years of this and the couch has 30 hoes in it. Now I can understand it happening a couple of times but while watching an hour long show this process is repeated probably 30 times. Very distracting and aggravating because she would refuse to go lay down. Not to say this happens every time but when she gets tired.

She has no job, very little college and spent the last 8 years "finding herself" which once found is not much different than who she was, but managed to not have to hold down a job, go to school, or have any other responsibilities other than raising a child in 10+ years.

And, there have been issues with pill abuse.

^ Sounds like you don't like her very much. Stop worrying about the technical definitions of what's manipulation and get the hell out of there

I agree with mitharatowen.

It doesn't sound like a reciprocal relationship. You've already invested ten years with this woman, so you just have to decide if you're willing to continue living this way - or if you'd rather move on.

Last edited by studentM on 02 Aug 2009, 3:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

First of all, what is it that you two do as a couple when you go out? Does it differ from what she does when she goes out with other people, therefore her dressing differently depending on the occasion? For example, when you both go out, do you go out for a meal whereas when she goes out with others, it's to go clubbing? That would definitely influence the way she dresses if this is the case.

Or perhaps a completely different scenario is at work here. Perhaps she feels that she doesn't have to make too much of an effort when she is around you as she feels comfortable enough to be more natural around you. If you have seen her first thing in the morning (let's face it, who doesn't look like a bag of spanners when they first wake up unless you are a character in a film and you haven't actually been asleep for 8 hours?), then her looking half decent and awake is actually going to be an improvement isn't it? If this be the case, I would be taking it as a compliment as she is hiding nothing from you and feels that you think a lot more of her than to care about the way she looks. However, she will dress up to be around others as, unfortunately, others do have a tendency to judge you on your appearance and, by keeping up with appearances, she is less likely to be judged. I seldom dress up when I am with my boyfriend but then he prefers me when I look natural. However, when I go out with other people, I do dress up, but that's mainly because a lot of pubs and clubs have dress codes nowadays where I live. Plus it makes me feel good when I do dress up (I could care less about how others feel).

Raising a child is not "nothing." Being a mother is the most important job a woman can have. I agree with the previous poster that she might have other reasons for dressing up when she goes out with friends. Why not ask her? Perhaps you resent her for other, more legitimate reasons, like her pill problem.

I'm raising four children, so I definitely agree that it's not 'nothing', but these two aren't married/divorced, this isn't his child (assuming), and they don't live together.

In the past, she has expected him to help her with bills, she bailed out of plans with him on Friday because she found something that interested her more, she drops hints that he should get her new clothes, and someone's couch has burn marks all over it. (And repeated falling asleep with a lit cigarette shows a complete disregard for the safety of not only her own life, but her child's as well - especially considering that Oggleleus has asked her to go to bed and she refuses.) In addition, she's had problems with drugs.

So, she lives in her own house, but does not work or go to school. And I'll go out on a limb on guess that she's not homeschooling her child or cleaning her house all day, everyday. What does she do with her time? As an adult she's can live any lifestyle she pleases, but she needs to grow up and pay for it herself.

It doesn't sound like a reciprocal relationship. From what Oggleleus has written, it comes across like she wants someone to take care of her, but she also wants to remain free to do as she pleases.

I don't quite know your situation, do you pay all the bills or is there some shared responsibility on the expenses? You might want to ask yourself how involved this relationship is. I know if I were in a relationship with someone important to me, I'd like to think she appricated me as well.

From the above information, it sounds like she'd like you to buy her some new clothes and not much else. I don't see the manipulation. I've been in situations where I'd give in to demands just because I knew the other person would have an outburst if I didn't. To me, manipulation is blatantly using someone's emotions to achive their ends. Your partner seems too timid to personally ask you for new clothes.

One thing you need to realize is that guys don't really need new clothes, I haven't bought new clothes in almost a year and I still fit in with the guys. Girls seem to have it different, every girl I can think of with a self esteem wants to be able to look good in public. Another factor would be how often you buy her clothes to begin with.

doesn't seem like it to me, I've experienced manipulation so am wise to it these days

Yes, and girls are allowed to get jobs so that they can buy clothes for themselves.

OP: Is there any reason why she expects people to support her? Is there something that could be causing her to be incapable of supporting herself (I don't want to presume that it's just laziness).

Thanks for the responses.

A Little more background. We are still married. The child is ours. I moved out about 2 years or so ago in an effort to be separated and start a divorce process. I pay x amount of money each month to support my child. The pills are prescribed but tend to lead to the strange nodding in and out behavior but since the issue has never been addressed who knows. The pills are probably a different issue.

Yes, taking care of a child is a big task and is a full time job. I work a full time job and have to then turn around and be a parent and the sole provider. The problem and maybe the resentment detected here is that this is the same formula that her mother and her mother's mother took in determining what it is to be a mother. The husband works long hours so that the wife/mother can stay at home and just worry about being a mom because it's for the kids, ya know.

But, often that translates into the wife finding more reasons to procrastinate or put off or deny their financial obligations in the marraige and get a free ride. It is not the 1950s anymore. But I find that there are some women that want it both ways and it is probably best to stay as far away from those as possible from my experience.

Anyway, I came from a different background where both parents worked and pursued things other than just being a stay at home mom or the dad that provides everything.

Now, I don't expect a super mom but at least someone that is going to try, once the child is old enough to go to school, to start using that time to work or go to school or at least be somewhat productive. Laziness is a good word, which has brought me to suspect for about a year now, that my wife may be on the spectrum.

It is a complicated issue.

Yes, more background helps.

From what it sound's like, she was suffering from depression. I know it may sound like she was being lazy, but some people just have a different pace. Did she take any medications?

Sharing the responsibilites is difficult to approach, but it's true that it isn't reasonable to expect you to do everything. If I were in a situation where I was expected to do everything, I wouldn't be happy about it either.

One reason spouses fall iinto depression is a lack of connection with the partner. I know what it's like to lose the emotional interest after being in a relationship for a while. Replacing a love interest with little kids and a house to clean just destroys confidence. She might not have a good set of peers to socialize with and help her with the self esteem.

It would be in her best interest to have a supportive social network.