Avoiding using and getting used

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biostructure
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04 Aug 2009, 2:07 am

I just saw someone else posted a thread for guys about how to avoid getting used by girls.

Now, if I want a friend with benefits, is there any way to specify this without someone needing to be used. It seems that if I let the friendship go on for very long without testing whether she will allow me to become sexually involved with her, then in some way I'm letting her use me.

So then, quite early on, I let a girl know that I would expect that she be sexually open in a friendship. I feel this is especially important in my case, since I want sex to be playful and rather childlike, and this requires a certain nonchalance on her part about her sexuality. However, some of you have said that it is not fair to go into a friendship expecting sex, because then she will feel used and/or put upon.

So how should I do it?



ToadOfSteel
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04 Aug 2009, 2:25 am

Why would you want a friend with benefits? If the other person is already a friend, just spring for an actual relationship...



Janissy
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04 Aug 2009, 7:01 am

Biostructure, your view of sex is stuck in the "7 year olds playing doctor" stage. It's a lot more serious and with serious consequences than you seem to think.



hale_bopp
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04 Aug 2009, 7:12 am

Quote:
I just saw someone else posted a thread for guys about how to avoid getting used by girls.

Now, if I want a friend with benefits, is there any way to specify this without someone needing to be used. It seems that if I let the friendship go on for very long without testing whether she will allow me to become sexually involved with her, then in some way I'm letting her use me.


RUBBISH. How is she using you if you don't specify what you want in the first place? If anything, YOU'RE using her.


Quote:
So then, quite early on, I let a girl know that I would expect that she be sexually open in a friendship.


Good luck with that, seriously. I'll be very VERY shocked if you're left with anything, friendship or more after saying that.

Quote:
So how should I do it?


Simple - go to a prostitute.



studentM
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04 Aug 2009, 7:24 am

Friends with benefits is an idea that works well in theory, but I don't think the complexity and depth of human attachment is taken into account and treated realistically. From what I've read, sooner or later one of you will become emotionally connected to the other. It's just the way we're made.

Even if everyone's very clear up front about the 'rules', and both parties agree to the arrangement in an attempt to avoid being used, sexual intimacy creates powerful bonds. Expect it.



Last edited by studentM on 04 Aug 2009, 5:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Saguaro
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04 Aug 2009, 8:06 am

biostructure wrote:
So then, quite early on, I let a girl know that I would expect that she be sexually open in a friendship. I feel this is especially important in my case, since I want sex to be playful and rather childlike



I'm sorry but this sounds disturbing. What do you mean "childlike"?



ToadOfSteel
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04 Aug 2009, 8:18 am

Saguaro wrote:
biostructure wrote:
So then, quite early on, I let a girl know that I would expect that she be sexually open in a friendship. I feel this is especially important in my case, since I want sex to be playful and rather childlike



I'm sorry but this sounds disturbing. What do you mean "childlike"?


It means he has a fetish...



MDD123
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04 Aug 2009, 9:45 am

Saguaro wrote:
biostructure wrote:
So then, quite early on, I let a girl know that I would expect that she be sexually open in a friendship. I feel this is especially important in my case, since I want sex to be playful and rather childlike



I'm sorry but this sounds disturbing. What do you mean "childlike"?


I think he means unassuming or less dirty than people view it today. At least that's what I'm assuming.



MissConstrue
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04 Aug 2009, 10:31 am

biostructure wrote:
I just saw someone else posted a thread for guys about how to avoid getting used by girls.

Now, if I want a friend with benefits, is there any way to specify this without someone needing to be used. It seems that if I let the friendship go on for very long without testing whether she will allow me to become sexually involved with her, then in some way I'm letting her use me.

So then, quite early on, I let a girl know that I would expect that she be sexually open in a friendship. I feel this is especially important in my case, since I want sex to be playful and rather childlike, and this requires a certain nonchalance on her part about her sexuality. However, some of you have said that it is not fair to go into a friendship expecting sex, because then she will feel used and/or put upon.

So how should I do it?


Question: How is she using you when you are expecting to use her? :?

The way I see it, both parties are consensual when it comes to friendships with benefits and must be communicated by both parties...or at least it should be. Personally I've never seen anything appealing in friends with benefits because it is emotionally confusing and some people link sex with intimacy....unintentionally or don't know the repercussions from the consequences.

Not everyone is on the same page with eachother when it comes to sex. Anyway, I really don't see how she is using you even if she's a gold digger...that is if you are expecting her to put out for you.

But I might be minsinterpreting this post?


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makuranososhi
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04 Aug 2009, 11:07 am

biostructure wrote:
I just saw someone else posted a thread for guys about how to avoid getting used by girls.

Now, if I want a friend with benefits, is there any way to specify this without someone needing to be used. It seems that if I let the friendship go on for very long without testing whether she will allow me to become sexually involved with her, then in some way I'm letting her use me.

So then, quite early on, I let a girl know that I would expect that she be sexually open in a friendship. I feel this is especially important in my case, since I want sex to be playful and rather childlike, and this requires a certain nonchalance on her part about her sexuality. However, some of you have said that it is not fair to go into a friendship expecting sex, because then she will feel used and/or put upon.

So how should I do it?


Having expectations is your first problem. What experience I have had in this scenario, I didn't like or find satisfying - but what I can share is that in those cases, finding someone to be with wasn't the point of endeavors that led to that point. You've made it clear that you don't want a relationship in your previous posts, that you are only seeking a friend with whom you expect to be sexually intimate and available with consistently to your standards. "If I let the friendship go on for very long with out testing whether she will allow me to become sexually involved with her, then in some way I'm letting her use me" - ! !!?!?!?!? That is the purpose served by dating and having friendships? Not even close.


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billsmithglendale
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04 Aug 2009, 11:52 am

Friends with Benefits (FWB's) sounds good to guys on the surface, but has a lot of pitfalls. The below applies to heterosexual couples more than gay couples, as I know a lot of gay men who are able to routinely pull off fwb/casual sex due to the different dynamics of being in an all-male relationship (and male views on sex).

Potential issues below --

A) FWB usually only happens when two people can't find or land satisfying relationship partners in their area. So basically, both are satisficing (yes, that's a real word), just relieving sexual pressure with the person at hand, but not having an emotionally satisfying relationship.

B) FWB relationships almost never last. They either fall apart because one person finds someone outside of the arrangement who they like better (and who will love them for who they are, rather than just sex) or one person falls in love with the other. Once this happens, there's some serious tension in the arrangement. The other person then has to decide if they want to get more serious (and if so, why haven't they already?), or end it right there. This can get ugly, or it can end up with one person essentially trapped with another person they really aren't that into. This means that later on down the road, they will probably dump that person or cheat on them with someone who they perceive to be more "worth it."

I was in a FWB relationship, but it didn't work out (it was an affair) -- the person wanted more, and I was already in a relationship (yes, I was scum). The sex was great, but the problems that came from it were not.

One final note -- approaching women as possible FWB's is a sure-fire way to scare them off permanently. It's sending exactly the wrong message, and almost no woman wants that kind of relationship (because if they did, they could have had this any time), aside from someone who is so desperate or so attracted to you that they will take anything from you. It's really the entrance to a user relationship, and like I said above, it will end badly. It's just not worth it.



rathernotsay
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04 Aug 2009, 1:01 pm

I'm seeing this allot on this site and I'm new here. Guys that feel they have been wronged by society and women in particular who have views of relationships that are so off base it makes me think they are trolls. If you are that clueless or careless about people you should not expect to have a woman want to be near you. Do you really think your friendship is something you can exchange for sex?



MountZion
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04 Aug 2009, 1:13 pm

I struggle to see how you can find a female who would agree to a friendship of the nature that you are asking. Most of these relationships occur somewhat spontaneously. I think although you genuinely want such a relationship, there are few women who would actively engage in such a relationship when there are terms involved beforehand. And even if you are successful in finding a girl who is willing to be your friend as well as be involved on a sexual level, it's a highly risky scenario, and both parties must have full control over their emotions before going into a sexual relationship without strings.

I hope it all works out for you, and that you and whoever you become involved with are sure of your own emotional wellbeing.



MDD123
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04 Aug 2009, 1:24 pm

Billsmithglendale is right on the money. I had a FWB with a single mom, I knew I didn't want anything long-term and I just assumed the same in her. After 3 weeks I was moving to another state as planned and the topic came up, she thought I would want to be in a long-term relationship and I told her that I thought it was a FWB, she told me that she never would've slept with me if that had been the case.

I can't say I regret it yet, to be honest, I don't get treated any better in relationships. I won't ever do it again, but it goes with the territory, mixed ideas on what a relationship is leaves people with hurt feelings.



billsmithglendale
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04 Aug 2009, 3:58 pm

MDD123 wrote:
Billsmithglendale is right on the money. I had a FWB with a single mom, I knew I didn't want anything long-term and I just assumed the same in her. After 3 weeks I was moving to another state as planned and the topic came up, she thought I would want to be in a long-term relationship and I told her that I thought it was a FWB, she told me that she never would've slept with me if that had been the case.

I can't say I regret it yet, to be honest, I don't get treated any better in relationships. I won't ever do it again, but it goes with the territory, mixed ideas on what a relationship is leaves people with hurt feelings.


Oh buddy, watch out for those single moms! No offense to single mom's here, but they have a whole other set of priorities and goals in mind, primarily to find a father for their kids and an income source for their household. Their kid also comes first for everything -- which is as it should be. I don't have any problem with either of those factors, but for a single guy, it is often not a good match, especially for anyone not looking for something serious.



MDD123
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04 Aug 2009, 5:19 pm

I was misinformed, I figured she'd enjoy a fling (thank you "Maxim"), she had a party mentality. Not the most brilliant logic, but I doubt I'll make the mistake twice. Personally, I wouldn't dodge a single mom, it just depends on how she takes care of things. But you're right on the perils, it's a huge responsibility.