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Granite
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11 Aug 2009, 3:15 pm

Hopefully this won't be too long and somebody can help me turn this around.

I'm NT. I live a quiet life. Back in May I met a guy who seemed nice but odd. He asked me out on a date. I said sure and we set up the date for a few days later for a specific time at a specific restaurant. I ran into him the next day and the guy didn't say anything about the date. I was under the impression we were going to meet at the restaurant and there was no reason to discuss the date anyway.

The day of the date I went to the restaurant at the specific time, he wasn't there. I was furious. I went home and made a long list of this guy's odd behaviors and vowed never to talk to him again. I haven't seen him since. I was fine with it and went on with my life. A week ago I was reading a newspaper on another subject and the subject of AS came up. I knew at once the guy that asked me on the date had AS or autism, I'm not sure which. He has an odd way of talking, childish behavior, doesn't like bright light, loves his routine, won't look me in the eye and is obsessed with his projects. I have no experience with AS, but the more I read about it the more I think I can work with it.

Getting back to the restaurant thing, now I'm thinking that this guy may have been under the impression that I was going to meet him at his house that night. I just assumed we were going to the restaurant because I couldn't imagine that a guy would expect a woman to pick him up at his house, but I could see where I might have been wrong since he may read signals differently.

I'd like to at least talk to him to find out what happened and what is going on . I don't have his email, I don't have his phone number. I know where he works but I hate bothering people at their work place. I'm not all that comfortable knocking on his door.

What do I do? All suggestions appreciated.



seebert
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11 Aug 2009, 4:14 pm

Granite wrote:
Getting back to the restaurant thing, now I'm thinking that this guy may have been under the impression that I was going to meet him at his house that night. I just assumed we were going to the restaurant because I couldn't imagine that a guy would expect a woman to pick him up at his house, but I could see where I might have been wrong since he may read signals differently.

I'd like to at least talk to him to find out what happened and what is going on . I don't have his email, I don't have his phone number. I know where he works but I hate bothering people at their work place. I'm not all that comfortable knocking on his door.

What do I do? All suggestions appreciated.

My guess (and it's just a guess) is that you're right, you had some form of miscommunication that caused you to miss each other, and he's now too embarassed/low functioning to own up to it.

Don't bother him at his workplace- but if you know what his schedule is, find a way to be there, and appologize first. If you make it look like it's your problem rather than his, you'll break the ice again.



DaWalker
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11 Aug 2009, 5:05 pm

Apparently you know where his home is, send him a friendly postcard and wait for his reaction.
But quite honestly, if he has not shown further interest, you need to keep this in mind when getting hold of regardless the method. He might have a valid reason, he might not, just try to keep an open mind and don't set yourself up for a heartbreak.



Granite
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11 Aug 2009, 5:26 pm

I may have not mentioned that this man doesn't know where I live, nor does he have my phone number. He can't get in touch with me.



willa
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11 Aug 2009, 5:37 pm

I think the first issue was setting up a date without exchanging phone numbers =P.
Isnt that typically how it goes, you get a girls/guys phone number, then call and set up a date, not the other way around =P.

Anyways, it was probably one of two things, like said, some miscommunication or he flaked out, got scared and nervous so didnt go. I wouldnt be all that opposed to the idea of going over there one night, but dont have any expectations of getting invited inside. Maybe go over and ask if he wants to go out for coffee or a walk or something, and maybe have a small note, like suggested, ready to leave if he's not home or doesnt answer.


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makuranososhi
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11 Aug 2009, 5:40 pm

If it is so important to you that you have come here to ask, then you should take the next step. Leave a message at his work, so that he can respond when he is able, with your contact information and a short comment that you missed the opportunity to meet before and wondered if there was a miscommunication originally. Don't accuse; ask questions. Don't have expectations; but it is easier to live with knowing you tried and failed than to wonder whether you could have done something differently.


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drowbot0181
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12 Aug 2009, 8:46 am

If it were me, I would like it if you left me a note on my door or something. If the problem was as you stated it, and he does have A.S., he might be obsessing over what when wrong and his anxiety will be high. And while all Aspies are different, the "drop-in" as it is called is almost universally feared by us, even from those that are welcome. =] But a lot of us like notes...especially notes that explain things we may have been confused about. =]



Granite
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12 Aug 2009, 11:57 am

Thanks everyone for your input. I think I am going to go with a note. I didn't want to make the original post too long but I can add some additional information.

I don't like to give my phone number out normally, and I don't like too many people knowing where I live. I'm a single woman living alone, and I have had problems in the past with men calling me on the phone whom I have told to specifically stop. I've had to change my phone number twice over the years some because some men simply can't take no for an answer. So when this guy asked me on a date I figured it would be safest to simply meet him at a specific time and place, and if I felt comfortable I would give him my phone number after that.

The day of the date didn't go well for me. I was stressed and not in a good mood. I arrived at the restaurant at the appointed time. However, the restaurant only had the bar area open and not the restaurant. There must have been some sort of event or drink special going on that night because the place was packed, lots of people were loud and drunk, and there was one woman lying on the floor with her drink laughing. I do not drink, nor do I hang out in bars. There was no way I was going to hang out and wait for this guy in that environment. I was pretty livid that he thought this would be an appropriate place for a date. I thought that maybe he was a drunk.

I looked for him, he wasn't there. I left and sat on a park bench a block away and waited 10 minutes. I then went back to the restaurant and looked for him again. He wasn't there. As I was leaving I thought maybe there was some sort of miscommunication and he expected me to meet him at his house. I am not a lady who goes to a man's house for a date under any circumstances. So I went home.

He might have showed up and had the same reaction as I did if he has AS. I don't know. I was so angry that I decided I would alter my walking route and not go by his house again, nor visit the place where he works, which I haven't. I seriously think I misjudged him though. I'll go with a note. If he calls he calls. If he doesn't he doesn't.

Thanks everyone.



makuranososhi
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12 Aug 2009, 12:15 pm

Something to consider; without a way to contact you, he had no way to let you know of a change in plans. He may have encountered that scenario at the restaurant/bar and reacted strongly; he may have gotten flustered or embarrassed beforehand and been late. But without any means of communication, there was no opportunity for either of you.

If the phone is an issue, and if you are able, why not consider a pre-paid cell phone for use when you are dating? Just a thought.


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Yagaloth
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12 Aug 2009, 9:01 pm

As an aside, I'd be surprised if he knows about AS - I'd be careful bringing up the subject of Asperger's Syndrome. If it helps you understand him better, that's fantastic, but it's probably best to keep it to yourself. No guy would like to be told "I figured you out", especially if that solution sounds like "you've got something wrong with you!" (Think of it as something you know about him that he doesn't, and keeping it to yourself might be easier to do.)

I've been in his position once or twice. In my case, I've had a date lined up and everything sounds great at the time, but as time rolls on, it gets bigger and bigger until it seems like something beyond my control, and then everything seems to fall apart. With a way of calling and breaking things off, it's bad enough - at that point, talking to anyone is the last thing I want to do, especially talking to her, because I know I'd be hit from two sides on that by looking like a toad in front of someone I liked enough to set up the date, while hurting her on the other hand. In one case, I'm sorry to say that eventually I found it easier to just hide and not do anything, hoping that I mattered so little to her that she'd just forget I ever existed, or, at best, maybe that being mad at me because I was an irresponsible jerk would be easier for her than feeling hurt because I seemed to change my mind (unfortunately, I would find out to my horror that she was both mad and hurt, and certainly didn't forget I ever existed. That's a terrible, terrible decision I have to live with now, and I wince in shame every time I think of it.)

Bless you if you have the super-human patience to forgive him for standing you up. If you are right about him, maybe getting back in touch with him and giving him another chance would work out well. However, I have a feeling that pursuing any sort of relationship will require a lot of work and patience on your part. Good luck to you in either case!



Granite
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13 Aug 2009, 11:47 am

I have no intention of telling this guy that I know. If he doesn't want to discuss it then that's okay (for now anyway). He's fine just the way he is. For many other reasons not mentioned here he's gold in my book. And I like the fact he has a routine, the same routine he's had for 38 years in fact. That works for me.

However, if this guy is interested in starting a relationship with he IS going to have to wedge himself out of his house and go on a date with me. I can't see any way around that. Even if he did flake the first time, considering the information I've learned here, I'm going to give him another chance.

Writing him a note would be a win win situation for me. If he reads it and then calls, we can work things out, set up another time and another place and we can go from there. If he doesn't call I hope that he sits in a corner somewhere reading my letter over and over again.

Considering he's in his mid 50s I doubt that he will be swept off his feet by another woman any time soon, so I am going to wait until next week to write this note as I am a bit busy right now with other things and I want to be able to give this guy my full attention in the remote chance he actually does pick up the phone and call me.

I will tell all of you what happens one way or another.



Granite
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21 Aug 2009, 12:02 pm

The letter worked.

Actually, what I did was go to this guy's workplace when I knew he wasn't working and found a ruse as to why I needed his email and his coworker gave it to me. Then I wrote him a nice email, lightly touching on what happened back in May and simply hoping that his summer was going well and to call me if he wanted.

2 days passed and I didn't hear from him so I figured that he didn't want to have anything to do with me which was okay. He called yesterday all happy to hear from me and invited me out to dinner again, but this time it was for that night so he didn't have much time to get all worked up about and flake. He showed up. Naturally, he picked the very same restaurant. We got there late and the restaurant area was closed again. The bar was packed again. He turned to the owner and told him to reopen the restaurant which the owner did.

We had a very nice meal, at least I thought it was nice. I have no idea what my guy thought. The conversation was good and as suspected, we have all the same hobbies and interests. We didn't talk about what happened in May. I could tell this guy was a bit nervous as he could easily get distracted but I guess that is par for the course with AS so I didn't read much into it. Eye contact was minimal during dinner, as expected.

He walked me home like a gentleman and I kissed him on the cheek. He seemed embarrassed, but again, I didn't read much in to that either. He told me he wanted to have dinner with me again sometime. I'm not holding my breath he's going to call anytime soon. By the time he and I get this relationship off the ground one or both of us are going to be on our deathbeds 20 years from now.

Thank you for all your help, I couldn't have pulled this off without all of your input. This board has been most helpful. :)



ToadOfSteel
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21 Aug 2009, 12:19 pm

Good for you... hope everything works out...

One thing that always helps with an aspie is to reassure him everytime it looks as though he is getting nervous... speak in plain terms (don't rely on your non-verbal communication) that you're enjoying the time with him... knowing that what he's doing is working is one of the best confidence boosters for an aspie (or anybody for that matter)...



Yagaloth
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21 Aug 2009, 7:59 pm

That's wonderful! I'm so happy that worked out so well for you :)



roguetech
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22 Aug 2009, 5:34 am

:cheers:

(I recommend you familiarize yourself with issues that can arise related to AS... The In-Depth Adult Discussion or Women's Discussions tend to have better topics in regards to commited relationships, in my experience.)