Why's She Dating Him!! !! (an Update)

Post Reply New Topic

Well the girl in question is moving to a far, far city! I can only hope this means she'll break up with The Tool. It's only been a few months, and how could such a relationship survive such long distance? This means I too am out of the running, but it's not so bad. I could see her hooking up with some yuppie who gets paid more, is better looking than me, has better prospects than I have at the moment. But I can deal with her dating someone who is better than me in these ways. At least they'll be good to her. I couldn't bear her dating some shallow, superficial jerk.

Which leaves me back where I've always been, probably always will be. I've been trying to meet people through internet dating. I've written about forty (no joke), and tried to be polite, funny, engaging. I've so far only gotten a couple replies, and none that continued to correspond after one or two emails. There was even one girl who had beaten cancer, who I thought was connecting. But she's not really replying to me anymore either. I feel so goddamn pathetic and undesirable. I feel like I've got so much to give someone, yet no one will accept. Most are repulsed by me physically, and the rest who aren't are quickly repulsed by the disorder. I really feel like giving up. To hell with it all.

1. Disorder...
What disorder?... Don't tell them anything. It's not relevant. Let them like you for who you are. If aspergers prevents certain social activities (because it affects us all in different ways) then simply say what things you don't want to do and leave it at that.

2. Repulsed?
Unless there is something truly visible and ugly (and self-opinions don't count), don't be ugly. Dress nicely and assume that you look good.

3. Language/Discussion
Assuming for a second that you're conversing with real people on a dating site (and that they're really of the age/gender that you're being led to believe), then the problem is with how you're presenting. Points 1 and 2 above, you can fix. If it's not too personal and without revealing names or too much info, can you post an example of the sorts of things that you've said to people who just won't respond?

Maybe people will be able to give you some tips?

I don't know if you appreciate numbers, but your "rate of return" in Internet dating is higher than average. From what I've read, most men who try to meet someone online get no responses at all. So having gotten even just a couple of responses makes you above average. Remember, there are many more men than women on these sites, so you're competing for a scarce resource.

How to do better? As gbollard said, no need to mention your AS, and no need to think of it as a disorder. Think of it as a neurological condition that you'll bring up later, if a relationship develops.

Since I don't know what you look like, I can't comment on your claim that most people are repulsed by you physically. Again, by the numbers, many men, Aspies in particular, underestimate their physical attractiveness (though NTs often overestimate). And, by the numbers, many women prefer men who are not excessively confident or cocky, and who will listen, be loyal and consistent, and understanding (Aspie traits, in other words).

I know dating isn't easy. I admire your willingness to venture out into the dating world. I hope you won't give up, but instead try new approaches and keep in mind that patience and perseverance are critical to success.

Honestly, until you get over the haterism, you're going to come off as tainted, bitter, and insecure to the women you meet. They don't even have to hear the story from you -- they'll read between the lines and in your body language.

This is the case of the kettle calling someone else black -- I've struggled with being a hater for most of my life. It's very tempting to pour acid and bile on someone else's good fortune, especially if it's at your expense. However, it also comes out of our own insecurities and is a symptom usually of something lacking in our lives -- in this case our love lives. After having more luck finally with women, a lot of my haterism went away, but it also can come from you making a conscious effort to really stand back from yourself and look at the situation objectively.

After all, it's not like you have dibs on anyone, and we're all free to choose who we like -- if that person doesn't like us back or likes someone else more, that's their choice. If anything, you should hate her, not the guy she went for -- it's not his fault she has bad taste. Can you really blame him for going for someone who was attracted to him? If the situation were reversed, and someone he had a huge crush on went for you, would you deny yourself out of some sense of obligation to him?

Here's the most powerful thing I ever heard that really turned me around about haterism and jealousy/envy -- when we are jealous of someone, it is almost as if we are denying their right to exist. Think about that for a while. Do you really feel like this person she likes shouldn't exist at all? That you are better in every way than them to the point that they could die and you could replace them? Or that they never should have been born? This sounds extreme, but it is the subconscious root of a lot of these feelings, and it is holding you back as a person.

Honestly, I've never seen posts like this forum come off as bias as this one in what you guys think of women.

Keep thinking this way, because there is no such thing as a nice chick or a female who has it bad. In fact, that's all females fantasize about is jerks with gold. Sort of like those irritating rap videos that potray women as hoes and men as pimps and daddies.

Yeah that's what she's thinking......

I think it's just a factor of lack of experience, coupled with frustration. I don't think it's even an Aspie thing -- when I was a young man, and had other non-Aspie friends in the same predicament (no dates, no GF, and no hope), we all made similar jumps in judgment and assumptions. Women are to some degree very mysterious and have cryptic behavior compared to what guys are used to anticipating in each other. Couple that with frustration and a feeling that one can't win or ever get the girl one wants, and it slowly ferments into something else.

I guess I can't help but get frustrated that my work seems to yield nothing. I try and try and try, and no one seems to want what I have to offer. No one willing to look deeper, to give a chance. It scares me because that seems to be the story of my whole life. I run the most miles of anyone on my cross country team in high school, and they still beat me. As a filmmaker, I've made four full length films, and none have gone anywhere. The latest got rejected by my own hometown's film festival. No body gives a damn, and I'm supposed to tell myself that I am good, that I have to love myself and then others will love me. Well what's there to love when my life is just a string of failures and disappointments? All I have is my job, but because I don't drink, I'm very much the outsider. Never get invited to after hours, and when I suggested going to a movie, my coworker rejected me flat out. And I like my job, but I'm afraid in this economy that all it'll take is one screw up, and I'm fired. And then I'll have nothing, and I'm terrified of where that might take me. I want to find someone to enjoy life with, so that I'll matter in the least, even if the job and everything else in my life remains failure and mediocrity, as it likely will. But that's what they all seem to care about is good looks and success and money. All I can hope is that someday, I'll do something great, and I'll finally be worthy, and I'm going to look forward to returning the favor, by doing some using and rejecting of my own! Let them see how it feels when you're deemed worthless!! !

I don't mean to re-tread the same old "everyone's gone through failure before success" route, but there's a lot of truth to it. Very few people are successful right from the start, and lots of famous and successful people had literally thousands of instances of failure before they finally got it right (Thomas Edison, for instance) or figured out what their true path was.

The one thing I have to ask is, when you fail, do you learn anything from it, or was the lesson wasted? Meaning, if the cross-country team is outrunning you, despite all the miles of practice, did you learn what you did wrong? Maybe you overtrained and exhausted yourself and actually caused yourself to lose stamina and muscle strength through doing too much, instead of just resting for a day or so before the meet and loading up on carbs. With the films, did you ask why they were rejected, or what you could have done differently? So in other words, are you reincorporating lessons and feedback, or are you ignoring the feedback and plodding along? If you ignore what the world and reality is trying to tell you, why should the world listen back when you talk?

Same thing goes for your social life -- Even I get asked out or invited to events once in a while, but I usually defer (because I don't find those events interesting), so I'm thinking something else you are doing is making you unpopular with peers and coworkers. Did you ever ask someone why? Even the friend that you are about to dump -- since you're airing dirty laundry anyways, ask him to be brutally honest back about why he won't be seen with you anymore.

And just keep trying things -- I wanted to do a lot of things in my life before I found what I was good at. And I'm not set in this job -- I keep looking, keep trying new hobbies, keep trying to improve my skills and adapt to the world around me. This should be you as well with a lot of things. Stop worrying about screwing up -- you're going to psych yourself out, and mistakes do happen (no one is perfect). Just be diligent and check your work.

When it comes to relationships -- don't seem desperate. Women can probably sense that you are struggling with a lot of issues, both professionally and personally. Find a way to make yourself happy, and then find people who want to share that happiness (and it will be a very select group, not just anyone).

It sounds like you do a lot of overthinking about a great many things, which is pretty normal for a lot of us here, but not healthy. Learn to channel that energy productively and not destructively, but also to relax and let it all go sometimes.

People like happy people. If you see someone walking around with a big (not too big - not "scary" big) smile on their face, you think hmm... I could have some of that.

If you're walking along the street and someone looks up and smiles at you, it can brighten your day.

If you're the sort of person who sees "black clouds" everywhere or you look gloomy, then most people won't want to spend too much time with you.

This comes out in writing and in speech as well as in person. People can always (mostly, always) detect happy or sad people.

...

So... Your outlook on life itself will in part determine how "attractive" you are to other people.

In a roundabout way, this goes back to what MissConstrue and billsmithglendale were saying. It's your haterism and your bias that's turning potential matches away.

In order to be happy, you have to become happy first.

But how do I become happy when it comes from teh very fact that I'm unhappy by being alone and unwanted?

It's not easy, but my advice is to fake it at first. When you're in a situation where you're around potential dates, don't do anything that might let them know you're unhappy. Lie about how much you appreciate something if you have to.

Also, it might be a good idea to exploit natural Aspie tendencies to find a hobby you enjoy. Find something you can take far and become great at. Take up wood carving, sculpting, painting, or start going through textbooks. I will say that I have no artistic talent, and I was able to do ceramics with ease. I was making some pretty cool stuff to be honest.

As for what is really bothering you, it might be helpful to find a therapist you can talk to, as I'm sure any Aspie over the age of 19 is going to have some issues with what's happened to them in the past. Just learn to get people to think you're in this great mood, and exploit the advantages of being an Aspie. You'll be able to use this to get dates a lot more successfully than throwing out depressive rants.

Being unwanted is in your head, how can you know that you actually are unwanted unless EVERYONE on the beeping planet has told you so? By being with other people you'll create a feeling in them of "wanting" you near them (or at least they'll grow to appreciate you), however you make it happen is up to you though.