The chemistry of Physical Attraction

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I've been writing a lot tonight, and instead of continuing on my last topic, as my thoughts are running rampant (and I should really be using this energy to draft the essay that I have due in English at 8am tomorrow), I decided to start a new one, because even though they are still thoughts concerning cross-gender interaction, these pertain more to the vein of love.


When I see a physically attractive guy, am I supposed to feel something inside? I appreciate beauty in people, but...it's just a broad description. It doesn't make them special that they are beautiful. I can admire when it shows that they have put effort into and attained a very natural looking beauty from an observation that perhaps they weren't always so confident, but beauty in itself isn't rare and unique.

I don't feel sexual chemistry toward people. It isn't to say that I wouldn't have sex with certain individuals that I may feel close to, because I am not devoid of sexual thoughts (they just aren't specifically directed). It also isn't to say that I don't feel a chemistry with some people while communicating, because I definitely do. I can become very happy and excited being around some of my friends. But that chemistry I feel, at least on my part, isn't a sexual chemistry. I just want to hug them really tight and be around them and do fun stuff and talk. They are like my best friends.

I haven't ever really been able to allow myself to be romantically intimate with someone because they can't understand this about me. A sexual drive is so far removed from my day-to-day interaction with someone. I may feel more comfort possibly engaging in these activities with certain individuals, but it isn't because I want our friendship to alter. It would just be something else we do together for fun, I guess. We would be closer on a deeper level, but the world wouldn't shift, just like going hiking together wouldn't change us. It would simply be another activity to enjoy.

On the other hand, even though I speak of sex without that directed passion, I could not share that with someone I didn't care about, because it is personal to me, and I would need to fully trust the person. If I were to be with someone that I didn't feel emotionally close to, it wouldn't be any fun and would just seem pointless, possibly even traumatizing, because I would be allowing my body to be given to someone unworthy of that sort of bond with me. I would be making myself cheap, devaluing the sexual experience.

I remember when I was a little girl just going through puberty, I used to pretend to swoon over the pretty boys, because I thought that was how I was expected to act, that becoming a young lady meant that I was supposed to find chemical stimulation in the opposite sex. I stopped the act by the time I was 10, because it just got tiresome. And as I continued to grow up, I watched the girls around me be that way, but authentically. It wasn't an act, which has always been perplexing. How can they feel that?

What would make a person so special above all others to activate that chemical in me?

Recently, I considered that I was asexual, but after listening to them, I realize that I am not. I just think of sex differently than most people. It doesn't kill me that I'm not having it. I don't need to kiss or caress or hold hands. What does kill me is when I look at my social life and realize that I don't have friends who I feel close enough to that the possibility of having sex is viable; that I am lacking close personal bonds. Makes me feel empty, without family. Still, none of them have yet to get sex from me, but that's because they let sex restructure their ties, and this does sometimes make me sad, not being able to share in that experience with them. I would probably like that "spiritual" closeness -- momentary mind-body melds.




Don't mind the long post, I'm just in a talkative mood tonight, outwardly introspective.

Full Moon in Aries. . .

I kinda know what you mean, although I don't feel any chemistry at all towards anyone and for me being hugged and kissed is tolerated and not enjoyed

My sex drive is in stasis unless I happen to have sex-then I'm voracious. I would go through long periods of celibacy because I'm basically socially inept and relationship impaired but then I would have a brief fling which never turned into anything, leaving me feeling frustrated and confused as to why I wasn't good enough to have a real relationship with.

hehe i neva dun it n dunno if i ever will i just don't have the urge and it's not for other people's lack of tryin but hey, i guess noone would ever know to look at me that i have no attraction, no libido and to cap it all of don't like being touched hehe

Well, I only got semi-comfortable with hugging after living 3 years with my current "companion." I kind of regressed into a childlike, playful manner where I may spontaneously tickle him or bite him or pinch him or scratch him. We hug when he goes to work most of the time, but it's one of those distant, awkward hugs where I'm barely touching him and my pelvis is thrust back.

Because of dealing with the hugging of him (well, he hugs me, actually), though, I've realized that now I sometimes have the urge to want to really tightly squeeze someone that I'm very close to, but I never do. I just have the urge. It's like Elmira from Tiny Toons. Sometimes I pat my friends on the head or smack them on the arm or something. That's about as affectionate as I am.

I keep a large personal space when around people. I don't sit across the room anymore, but I sit where there is usually at least 2 people between us. It's the depth of the conversations that we have which are engaging and show my positive feelings for the person. I am mostly a conversation-only chick. That's where I thrive. If I can't communicate with the person, we can't be friends, because I wouldn't know what to do to fill that void of space, and trying to engage in activities when feeling an awkwardness in verbal interaction, just makes the situations painful, which I try to avoid.

Really, I know if I connect with someone within a minute or two after speaking with them. It's about if we have communication chemistry...if they can spark up and contribute and if I feel at ease blabbing away, because when I don't, I'm an extremely quiet, shy, and withdrawn person. That's why by observation, many people find me extremely introverted, but I may actually be an extrovert, because I come to life with the right people. It's intense energy...just not sexual. I like cerebral stimulation.

And yeah, if I were to have sex, I would probably be the one calling the shots and wanting to dominate, because I have so many sensitivities in being touched. And my urges to have sex...they aren't exactly ever there, but sex is a topic that I commonly think of, though in a very clinical way. However, I'm the kind of person that if I were to probably have sex with someone and it was good, it would be an addictive thing for a while, because I get obsessive about things, especially things that make me feel happy. It would take a while to calm down, but it wouldn't be an emotional thing with them...just that obsessive compulsive need to relive the drug with someone I trust.

I fink I'll stick to isolation for now cus it's a big step to get to the point of contemplating wanted to be hugged, touched, and the rest. Truth is at the moment I just don't think I'm ready yet. I guess when I am ready maybe I will know

Just let people know how you feel about those things.

i'm much more careful nowadays cus it upsets me a lot too when people overstep the mark

I sort of know the feeling. I have a general undirected desire to find a boyfriend, but the problem is, it's undirected. I can't think of any guy and go "Yeah, that's one I want."