POLL: Flirting

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Hi everyone! I was just musing on the concept of flirting and thought I'd design a poll.

Thanks also for including your thoughts on the subject if you'd like to.

I'll start first. I have no real feel for flirting and doubt seriously that I have consciously engaged in it, despite having had several girlfriends - perhaps because they were mostly the serious type just like me (with one notable exception!)

Not only that, I can't usually tell when it's being done to me, and am not sure what the real definition of flirting is anymore, so your personal definition of flirting would be greatly appreciated.

Finally: I have a real problem with the sort of person who would flirt just to stroke their or another's ego - that is, they have no intention of letting it go to its logical conclusion of asking you out/getting you to ask them out.

I have never consciously flirted to make myself/another person feel better and don't understand the logic of going half-way - but it has been noted that with Aspies the success of getting that date feels good and the pursuit doesn't feel as good, whereas with NT's they derive a lot of pleasure pursuing despite no success (highly illogical, captain!) and I read somewhere (not sure the source) that this is a difference in either dopamine or melatonin, that the Aspies do not feel any chemical reward from the flirting itself.

Anyway, thanks again for participating.

I love it and don't mind where it goes most times usually it goes nowhere, I think I use flirting in place of small talk which when I think about it is probably asking for trouble lol

Sometimes I think I'm just talking and getting along fine with someone in a friendly not flirty way and I'll find out they're ready to take me home and jump me, I do it without even noticing.

I don't see what's wrong with giving and recieving a little ego boost as long as both parties are in on it of course, if someone is uncomfortable with me I wouldn't be talking to them.

Um,,, the thing is that Aspie men (along with some sensitive NT's prone to take rejection as humiliation), would be thinking that it would go farther, i.e. get her/his contact number, and when it doesn't happen they perceive it as a failure (that's what I would feel) and would rather not engage in the flirting in the first place because lack of engagement is not failure per se - in fact it can be spun to look like the one who is being flirted with is choosing to do the rejecting.

I don't think anyone has ever flirted with me and I really doubt it would be able to tell if someone was.

Yes i can see your point but I don't think most people take flirting so seriously and since it's often done just for it's own sake failure or success aren't an issue it's the taking part that counts. I don't see that anyone enters into a contract or any kind of agreement as to wether flirting's going to go further. Flirting can be engaged in for more reasons than just to select a sex partner and not all of them are morally reprehensible. If you're being rejected then you're more likely trying to pick up than flirting, there's a slight difference.

I should say though I don't do it much these days but do when I have the chance.

Last edited by Hmmmn on 11 Sep 2009, 8:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well you can have your own reasons to want to participate but to me to be led on then ditched IS morally reprehensible.

That's not what flirting is to me

Which is why I asked people to define it as they themselves use it.

I thoroughly enjoy it now that I've finally, after all these years, got around to trying it.

I won't persist in flirting with every girl, and with those I do flirt with I start out cautiously, and stop if anything feels wrong. Wrong, like she is not amused or interested, or she just plain doesn't like me, or she seems very uncomfortable, or she seems too interested, or she seems emotionally unstable or otherwise like "bad news."

I am also happy to flirt with girls I know to be married or otherwise off-limits, if I consider them "safe" (such that I think there's no way she'll take it seriously enough that she'd be tempted to ruin her marriage or anything like that.)

Single girls, though, I'm far more cautious about - I wouldn't feel right about flirting with a single girl who might take it too seriously and who I wouldn't be interested in getting any closer to.

Hi.

I have to admit - I was always pretty lousy at flirting for the purpose of showing my interest in someone.

I think that flirting is okay if it is done respectfully. Smiling, eye contact, exchange of pleasant words (e.g. that is such a nice colour you're wearing. It brings out the blue in your eye." All of this is okay. It doesn't have to lead to anything (exchange of phone numbers or ???). It is just that - pleasant social exchanges.

I learned (through a LOT of trial and error) that the best way of approaching someone after an exchange of pleasant flirtation is to do the following:

1. Look for a wedding band or engagement ring (I know I know - a lot of people are in committed relationships and are either not married or don't wear a ring - however, it is still a good first sign). If a wedding ring is being worn - it really is just simple innocent flirtation. Enjoy it for what it is.

2. LISTEN - in the course of conversation, the other party might refer to a significant other (my boyfriend/girlfriend; my partner; "us" "we"). If they refer in any way to a significant other - again, enjoy the flirting as an innocent diversion.

3. If you really are interested in the flirter and there are no signs of them being in a relationship with someone - bring up some topics of conversation to share. Mention your love of a local coffee shop's biscuits or a your favourite flavour of Bubble Tea. Have your phone number or business card with social contact handy and offer it to the flirter. Say, "If you ever want to talk more, I'd love to join you for a coffee (or whatever your beverage of choice is) at the local coffee shop."

By doing the step in #3, you are not putting them on the spot (e.g. you're not asking them for their contact info - which they may not be comfortable giving). Also, it is a friendly, non-intrusive invite - they can call or not. The only caveat - DO NOT SIT BY THE PHONE WAITING FOR A CALL. Remember, this is all fun, casual flirting. There is no obligation on anyones part to move this forward. Even if the flirter takes your number - they may just be taking it to be polite, but have no interest in calling. Don't take this as a personal slight. If they take the card, say again, "Please feel free to call, it's been delightful speaking to you." and move on. The flirter will make the next move (or not).

Maybe the flirter will say, "um... I'm not interested" and hand you back your card. No worries, your next line is, "that's okay - in any event it was delightful speaking to you. Take care," smile and move on.

In any event - you will have conducted yourself with poise and grace and had some fun with flirting.

Incidentally - just a little about myself - I am married with two kids. I was lousy for the longest time at flirting (it doesn't help that I will never be mistaken for a model LOL ) I did meet my dear husband at an online dating site. This way - it was pretty obvious that we were both interested in meeting someone - had a chance to see each others picture and chat on-line, on the phone and then meet. It took a lot of the guess work out of the process for us.

I voted for "Other" - I can tell when people are flirting, it doesn't bother me (I like the idea of flirting) - but I never learned how to do it myself. I would like it if someone flirted with me, but that isn't something that has happened for many years. Then again, if someone started flirting with me, I really wouldn't know how to respond - so they would probably just go talk to someone else who could flirt back.

ha ha i can never tell what people are doing and then my friends say 'he was flirting with you' and i feel so stupid

I dont know how to flirt in person, I do it ok online though. I've been flirted with a little. Its a mixed bag, I strongly disliked all the stupid flirting that goes around with people my age. It makes me wanna barf. Until recently, if someone tried to flirt with me, I couldnt tell. I dont really take it as very much.

I can tell when other people are flirtting with each other, but I can't tell when someone flirts with me. To be fair, it's only happened a couple of times and the guys who were hanging out with me at the time pointed it out to me after the fact.

I'm generaly oblivious to it. I've only noticed romantic interest in hindsight, after the girl litterally told me she was interested. But casual flirting? It's probably too subtle for me to ever grasp.

It's just easy to mistake flirting for being friendly or interested.