Why do people...

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Why do people stay with partners who abuse or disrespect them? What is the motivation in it?

And for that matter, what is the main reason for people dropping regular friends of the opposite sex when they start dating someone?

I wish I knew. Cops wish they knew too, because they see the worst of it. They see women covered in blood who nevertheless plead with them not to arrest their husbands. The people who actually know are the women who run safe houses who talk to survivors who finally left and who can finally talk about why they finally left and what took them so long. There are about a million reasons, none of which make sense to a cop who wants to arrest the husband of the bloodied woman but she wont press charges. I won't reiterate the reasons because then other posters will want me to justify them and I can't. I can only report what I've read. So I won't. But there are tons of books written on the subject. It's a pretty intense subject and not one that can be summed up in a post.

I'd have to say there was a fair amount of ambivalence in a woman that stays with an abuser. The main reasons to stay include:

-she's afraid he'll kill her if she leaves (especially if he has threatened to do so)
-he's her only means of support
-she believes him every time he says he won't do it again
-she loves him (and thinks she can change him)

Another reason, they have no place to go. Having a roof over their head is better than being homeless.
Some women think they are worthless and no one else will want them. They think they deserve what they get from their man.

People stay in abusive relationships because they think their only other option is being alone. Often that's what they are used to, that's the only interpersonal dynamic they know how to take part in. Most people are conditioned from childhood to expect abuse from people around them, to some degree. It's just a matter of having different thresholds of how much abuse are we supposed to put up with. If two people are close, it's inevitable that some degree of abuse, however mild, will occur. If one person in a couple slaps the other one, is that abuse? In today's society, a man slaps a woman, that is considered abuse, but a woman slapping a man isn't. So, what counts as abuse can be very subjective.

So to a person who is being abused, they don't even see it as abuse, that's just normal everyday life. When they meet someone who is actually nice, the nice person is seen as boring or invisible, they just don't register to someone who has only seen manipulation and abuse. And usually abusive relationships are a two-way street, an exciting give and take.

Even these don't adequately explain.

When you have an illness like an anxiety disorder, you get stuck in a kind of loop. You know what you want to do but you are not always sure how to get out of it. CBT can help.

I think abusive relationships create a psychological dependence. This doesn't mean they don't understand on some level that is not doing them any good to stay.

You can say it is illogical, but really the process is on a much more primal level than well though out argument.

They've presumably got all the opposite gendered attention they need.

It's called Spousal Abuse Syndrome. I don't really know that much about, besides the name. But, after having gone through an abusive relationship (thankfully short and not horribly abusive) I know that I was afraid of being alone, and I still thought I could change him. He was my first boyfriend and I had always been alone before that. I also just didn't know any better. Before dating that jerk, I just about got raped by another one who said he would "desensitize" me. That I blame on being terribly naive (now I'm just really naive).

As for dropping opposite-sex friends, I know some people can be jealous. Another ex-boyfriend (he was a good guy) was jealous when I would spend time with guys who weren't him. He told me so. It didn't make sense to me. I was with him, why would spending time with other people change that? But he thought that way.

I created this thread because I am trying to help a friend who is going through a difficult relationship.

I got a explanation that draws heavily from evolutionary biology. Women are biologically wired to be attracted to powerful, high-status men. That's what's responsible for the whole "nice guys vs. jerks" thing. Now, abuse is a very strong, violent display of supposedly having high status. While it hurts women every time time it happens, the attraction to power comes into play, unfortunately. The display of high status affects women on a very subconscious level, and keeps them attracted to abusive men. Even though women end up hurt, they can't control being attracted, because on some level, abuse is a way of showing one's own high status (or dominance, to be exact). Since attraction to high status is a deeply ingrained instinct, a woman stays with an abusive man, until she can override it and remove herself from a dangerous relationship.

Now, I'm not in any way saying that women are to blame for being abused. But after having read some literature about PUA and social status, this is the theory I came up with.

if they do that then they were never real friends to begin with.

I can answer this correctly because i've been there.

Basically an abusive partner you're infatuated/in love with is like a drug to you. You can't just fallout of love or infatuation with someone at the drop of a hate because they're an arse hole, just like you can't with anyone else. I only wish it was that easy.

A lot of women know men are scum and not worth it, but the keep going back to them to get their fix.

Weining yourself off someone so bad for you that you are so infatuated with is like weining yourself off an addictive substance. They're bad for you and you KNOW it. But it's not simple, it takes time and a lot of will power.



This is simple. Would you want your girlfriend who you're so in love with to hang around a lot with a single man?

If you say you don't care you are probably a liar, or have never been with someone you are SOOOOO into before.


Also an abusive relationship doesnt always mean you live together, and doesn't always mean it's physical abuse. You can have a very abusive relationship taking emotional abuse and not living together, and the same thing applies.

That opinion is absolutely ridiculous, Maybe they are under pressure form their spouse not to see these people so much because he/she feels threatened. Maybe they want to see them but it isn't their fault at all.

TBH, I would feel threatened if someone I was deeply mad on spent a lot of time with a single woman.

Last edited by hale_bopp on 05 Nov 2009, 4:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

That a very good explaination for the attraction, and why the attraction stays.

I had emotional abuse from my ex. At the time I didn't even know what he was doing was abuse until I read an article about relationship abuse in Seventeen. I read the checklist for it and I saw I was abused. One of them was him being afraid of me talking to my parents and wanting to know everything I said. He also was negative about me and didn't like what I did that was no big deal, also a form of abuse. Him acting like I was ret*d and thinking I was at a low age level because of my childish interests, form of abuse. Even though the mag didn't say those last things, but they fell under making you feel bad about yourself and always saying negative things about you.

Last edited by Spokane_Girl on 05 Nov 2009, 5:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

I have no respect for people who do that, sorry. that's discrimination based on gender, and I can't imagine treating my friends differently because they happen to be of a certain gender and/or relationship status. if the partner/spouse feels threatened then they should deal with their jealousy/insecurity issues and not order you whom to be friends with. I can't imagine pressuring anyone to stop seeing a friend that they value, it's just cruel.

and btw you might wanna familiarise yourself with the savoir vivre of discussion and show some respect for opinions that you don't share instead of calling them "absolutely ridiculous".