Dealbreakers discovery phase sooner or l8r?

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I'm of the opinion that dealbreakers, if they exist among the people that are trying to be BF/GF (or whatever), should be discovered as quickly as possible. This way, IMO, it can be broken off or stopped before it ever really starts, if necessary, before a large amount of emotional investment (or at least the bulk of it) takes place. I think people should be upfront about the dealbreakers too. That way people can at least tell themselves it was something out of their control if something doesn't work.

For instance, there was a guy I was curious about online. But there was a huge dealbreaker and he was upfront about it--I am "too old for him". He said this before he knew how old I was; he had stated in a general forum his upper and lower limits for dating. I fell outside the upper limit by about 2 years. I also discovered a dealbreaker from my end; we are hugely incompatible due to the fact that he's completely nonreligious. Because the dealbreakers were exposed so quickly, I was able to detach myself from exploring further without feeling bad.

Depends on what you consider a "dealbreaker", sometimes things that people think would be one turn out to be alright with the right person. My current girlfriend and I have nearly opposite politics for example, and she probably wouldn't have started dating me had she known some of my opinions and stances without getting to know me first and having a context for them, in other words some potential "dealbreakers" turn out to be quite surmountable if they're presented gradually. I wrote a quite involved thread about this as advice for Aspies using the internet to date, simple things like not saying that have you an autistic spectrum disorder, but instead describing your personality with terms like shy, socially awkward, or introspective, things that are easier to relate to than an obscure disorder. I try to stay away from the whole concept of absolutes myself, it's too easy to reject people out of hand without getting to know them first.

I had to break it off with someone that I devloped deep feelings for over time because of a dealbreaker. She knew about this dealbreaker early on and kept it hidden from me for awhile until the relationship got stronger. She thought i would come around I guess but This was something I felt very strongly on and she knew that.

I'm not sure what hurts more, the fact that I had to break it off. Or the fact that she was not honest with me from the start. If I knew about the dealbreaker I would have never gotten in as far as I did with her.

Yes but you and the other in the relationship may want different things where the deal breaker can prevent that.

Example is sex. One party (e.g. the guy) may want to have sex with the female partner frequently and often. Even though the guy may know the girls does (or not) want children, the goal initially is simply to practice procreation.

However, once tha wears off, then the other items (e.g. kids) takes precedence and the relationship breaks up.

Even though these "critical" items or deal breakers may never be changed, there is usually enough interest early on in the relationship such that these items are pushed to the back -- a prime example is loneliness. Many people will forgoe their values and self-respect in order to alleviate loneliness.

So what do people do? They don't ask. They'll avoid asking the difficult questions because they know the pain they just left and just try to live in the moment and enjoy the fantasy while they can.

the thing is though, you don't always realise what the dealbreaker might be. for me the obvious dealbreakers are racism, homophobia, being strongly religious and dependency on substances. but in one case I completely lost interest in a guy I was dating when I saw him panic over a tiny spider

I'd never have thought that it would be a turn off for me but it was, big time

I think it's best to discover them early on, and I make a point of it. One thing I consider a 'deal-breaker' isn't all that common. I expect a certain attitude towards conflict-management. I follow it and expect those I date to follow it as well. Admittedly, it's based on research, but I still don't want to end up in a train-wreck of a relationship.

I agree with what others have said about it depending on the nature of the deal-breaker...
One you mentioned was age... Unless one party is a minor, two years is not very much. When it's two adults, one person being outside the other's age range by two years doesn't seem like an insurmountable thing. If they're otherwise compatible, that could turn out to be nothing.
Also the thing about ASD. Of course, if a ASD would be a deal-breaker, but the symptoms of an ASD would not, then the ASD itself wasn't really a deal-breaker to begin with.
So I guess it depends on the nature of the deal-breaker, and how clear-cut the line is. Deal-breakers are, largely, things that indicate that someone has a vastly different outlook on things than you do. Sometimes a standard indicator of that doesn't hold up.

I'm on the fence here... while knowing in advance allows us to avoid detrimental relationships, it also keeps us from having learning experiences. Without learning, we are left with only our preconceptions and the limitations of inexperience. I think it is important to not allow ourselves to set things in concrete - otherwise, there is no room or flexibility to take steps in the right direction. Making mistakes is part of learning... there is no perfection in life.


M.