I'm completely clueless.

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Hi I'm a person with HFA and like I said in my subject I am completely clueless to what I'm doing wrong. Two weeks ago my really good friend and I started dating,
a little less than a week ago we broke up and now he won't talk to me. When we broke up his reason was that he realized he didn't love me (which is weird because
so what if he dosen't love me he can still date me right?) so I was really upset and I didn't know what was going on when he didn't talk to me. A few days ago, I talked
to a friend who's a friend of his too, he told me that my ex boyfriend said I was too clingy and annoying. It's very interesting because my ex boyfriend I dated before I dated
this guy said to me that I was too clingy. I honestly don't know what I'm doing wrong. I really want to have a relationship that will last at least 3-4 months or longer, so does
anyone have any advice? Thank you.

well, he said you were being a bit clingy. there's a hint, something wrong.

trying to spend every waking hour with the guy may seem romantically ideal to you, but it's straight up clingy behavior. dudes need their personal space. ration out the touchy-feely moments down to rational size and learn to space it out. find his comfort zone and stick with it.

or possibly he meant emotionally clingy which i suppose is more likely in thsi case. in which case just tone it downa little, too much an you scare a guy off.

my advice is prolly terribly botched up, but i gave it a try *shrug*

helps if we know some more background info. maybe your thoughts on even "possibilities" of things you might have been doing wrong if anything, think hard, no one's perfect. or maybe he's just the one with issues this time around?
see? we need more background info.

Thanks.. yea I guess I just have to get used to the fact that guys will only want to spend time with you a lot during the first couple of days in the relationship depending on the guy. He was actually extremely clingy towards me the first three days.. so I got used to that and then I guess that's how it screwed over , I am terrible at adjusting to things.

in my experience the first days of anything are usually the most intense. he was pretty intense for a few days too in his initial excitement it seems. but he toned back down to levels that he could manage on a regular basis, while you kept going swept up in the rush?

hmm, it's plausible. i'm not good with adjustment either but when i catch myself doing things sometimes i stop myself and reassess and make myself readjust a little. it's a good habit to learn. maybe try it. it's still sorta a constant effort, but it's manageable.

but that's only if we're assuming this is the root problem.
still, you could experiment with it a bit and see if the advice changes things any or no in your next venture. system of trial and error?

Okay, sure I'll try it, because what I did must've been really bad if this person dosen't want to talk to me anymore.

worth a shot

If he doesn't love you, why should he date you?

Not all guys are the same when it comes to the amount of togetherness they need. I suppose it's the same for women. It just seems that you need togetherness. Togetherness isn't just quantity of time spent together, or even quality of time, but also number of contacts made, and validation of feelings and need of togetherness.



The amount of togetherness will change throughout the relationship. I think you are a kind of person who just needs a lot of togetherness. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Maybe he thought you were really cool and laid back when you were just friends, but got scared when he saw the more emotional side of you. Is that possible? Don't beat yourself up over him not wanting to talk to you anymore....Maybe he just doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and would rather avoid the whole situation. Everybody has weird hang ups.

I would actually like a clingy girlfriend. ..

Anyway, that relationship couldn't have made it far anyway if it ended that easily.
You could try being less "clingy" I guess...

Maybe you could ask someone you know (or even your ex) what it is you do that is clingy, or where you are screwing up.

"so what if he dosen't love me he can still date me right?"
^^^
i cant believe nobody reacted to this yet.

this is a ludicrous statement.

you seem desperate to want to date a guy who broke up with you, dont want to talk to you, and told you he doesnt love you. desperation = turnoff.

i dont even understand how you can really believe that.
so according to your statement, if some random schmuck wants to date you, youll be up for it? since love makes no difference in the matter?

about the clingyness, that statement IS of a clingy nature.
look at it:
he tells you to go away, you come back and want to cling on to him (clingy)
he tells you he doesnt love you, you claim it doesnt matter! (ultraclingy)

i dunno how you have behaved otherwise, but in that statement allone you showed clingyness.

to be less clingy you may need to trust a guy more. know with yourself that altho you arent with him at every moment, he will come to you when he has the time. if hes out w friends, he will come back. clingyness may be your way of reassuring yourself that hes thinking about you, loves you, and will come back to you.
similar to another thread btw, and ill give the same advice:
if a guy _doesnt want you_, there is nothing you can do, save for raping him. which i assume you wont.

sorry if i come off as harsh, but i like to get to the point :]

Last edited by ZEGH8578 on 19 Oct 2009, 7:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Perhaps the two of you could discuss whether one or both of you need a certain amount of alone time.

you said:
”Two weeks ago my really good friend and I started dating,
a little less than a week ago we broke up and now he won't talk to me. When we broke up his reason was that he realized he didn't love me (which is weird because
so what if he dosen't love me he can still date me right?)”

A two week history of dating is more of an experimental thing. No doubt an intense interlude. But a term like “break up” seems less appropriate than it might if you’d been goig out for a couple of months or years. So does he want to stop being your friend now, or go back to being your really good friend? This is important, because you may find that your friendship was the valuable thing you want to rescue, seeing as he’s told you he doesn’t tink you can be lovers.

If he’s saying lets just be friends, then “dating” is not what he wants. He made a mistake. He tried something and has decided that it’s not emotionally right for him. He’s told you his feellings.

At first I read your message the same way as ZEGH8578, cringing at the parenthetical thought. How horribly pathetic, I thought. Then I realized the twinge relates to my own problem-person.

Some people ARE fine having a sexual relationship without feelings of love. MY problem is that I kept on dating someone I was in love with who flat out said he didn’t love me, but seemed happy enough to be with me, physically.

So be careful what you wish for. What if he did continue to date you, but didn’t love you? How well would your self-rspect hold up?

You need more self respect! In fact, the awful thing is the less needy you are, the more you will be offered.

Classically how it works is “he who cares least wins” with a broken hearted pursuer and a disdainful one who runs away – often in broken-hearted pursuit of his own unobtainable one. Its an awful system, and not a very nice feature of human nature. In high school I recall a few circles where there were no actual couples, just broken hearted people chasing the ones who didn’t want them!

Try doing a reset to friendship. Be cool. Don’t bring up the idea of dating ever again. He might, or might not, but you should put it out of your mind. That means you have the best chances of success: You may have your friend back as a friend (and heal the awkwardness of this misstep as quickly as possible). Your posture of relative aloofness will impress him into the realization that you aren’t hopelessly clingy. Both you and he will gain more respect for you.

Good luck.

Or possibly dating HER isn't what he wants. He may not be against the idea of dating in general.