Possible Aspie in a relationship w/ NT - generalconfusion

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humiliation has set in

Last edited by FaithHopeCheese on 19 Oct 2009, 8:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

humiliation has set in

Last edited by FaithHopeCheese on 19 Oct 2009, 8:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

odd, i was using snowflake metaphors earlier to explain differentness isn't a bad thing to someone.
that it comes up here as well is a strange coincidence

and it's also about 3:40am here. so i guess you're within my timezone.

but back on topic. it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. sounds like you two ARE good friends though. but regardless, it sounds like a bigger problem waiting to happen. drinking problems are bad and while harmless now will have adverse effects somewhere down the road surely one way or another. you say your own drinking you've managed to moderate. if you can convince him to moderate as well or cut back a little it might give us a little less reason to feel apprehensive about your decision to stick with him if you so end up choosing to do so. if that doesn't work trying to jump ship again might be advisable too. if you've been trying to do just that and failing, maybe you just have to be a little more firm about it.

i'm too tired to give good advice. maybe if i'd read this like 3-4 hours ago. but i've given so much today already that it's all just starting to run together in my head. and i have the distinct feeling that anything i utter now will be nonsensical.

1. Break off your engagement and don't ever move in with him again.

2. Don't have sex unless you enjoy it.

3. If you are going to settle for someone you are not in love with, pick someone who is not an alcoholic, aim for someone rich. Be practical, woman!

4. A relationship isn't going to save you from feeling lonely. Loneliness does not come from being alone, it comes from feeling like you don't have a place in the world. The messed-up way society is makes practically everyone feel alone or lonely. The hero in a story is often lonely, see yourself as a hero.

5. Don't tell yourself that this or that is "never" going to happen. That's a self-fullfilling prophecy. You found one boyfriend, you are bound to find another one eventually.

6. You said "I spend my evenings googling whatever my obsession is which changes every few month's or so but I am content with this". Obviously, from the rest of your post, No you are not content with this. You just don't think there is anything better and that is your only choice. Don't be content. Demand more, be angry and upset until you find a place that makes you ecstatic and love every moment of your life.

I know it's hard, but you should try to meet new people. I guess you're here, and that's a step. The world is a big place full all sorts of opportunities. Instead of just googling your interests, go out and meet people who share them, or at least do something "physical". Go running in the park, shop for things that interest you, build things with your hands and sell them on ebay.

You need to find your inner strength, your self-esteem. Life is hard and changing is hard, give yourself credit for what you have accomplished and what you endure. So you don't have a nobel prize or anything prestigious like that, those are just superficial things. Just making it through the day, that's an accomplishment. Pay attention to and appreciate the little lessons life is teaching you. The solutions to your problems are not easy, and take time to work through, and it's not your fault, but because they are hard.

When I quit drinking I was able to see my life with much more clarity. Even when you are sober between binges your perceptions are altered. When I was drinking, someone said to me once " It colors everything you do" and of course it flew right over my head but now that I'm sober I know what he meant. It sounds like your drinking goes beyond the point of just a few to loosen up. I think if you could quit you might have a better chance of making a healthy decision about your relationship. You two may just be enabling each other.

humiliation has set in

Last edited by FaithHopeCheese on 19 Oct 2009, 8:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

humiliation has set in

Last edited by FaithHopeCheese on 19 Oct 2009, 8:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If you truly are in love with this guy, then pick up a copy of the book..."Alone Together...Making An Asperger Marriage Work" by
Katrin Bentley and with a forward by Dr. Tony Attwood.

Another excellent book to read is..."22 Things A Woman Must Know" (if she loves a man with Asperger Syndrome) by Rudy Simone.

If you do decide to marry, then you will want to read..."An Asperger Marriage" by Gisela and Christopher Slater-Walker, which also, includes a forward by Dr. Tony Attwood.


Best of luck to you!

To quote, click on the "quote" button, then move your cursor to the end of what's quoted, hit "enter" once, and start posting. If you only want to quote part of a post, highlight the part you don't want and press "delete".

You know something? I think this is the only forum I'm on where advice like this can be given without starting a flamewar...

I have to agree with the people who advise that you break this engagement off posthaste, Faith (may I call you Faith?). It's not a good, healthy relationship, and I really don't think it's the best you can do. Binge drinking seems to be regarded as "fun" by some (don't see the attraction, myself), but it's certainly nothing to base a life on.

Don't know that I'd recommend being "angry" or "upset" about this - just refuse to settle for less than being genuinely happy with a prospective partner. You deserve better than what you've got - and honestly, he deserves to find someone who fits more happily into his chosen lifestyle (which seems to be sinking drunkenly into the West...).

This relationship seems like a friendship that went further that it should have. If you can bring it back to friendship, I'd recommend it, because I think that your needs for a bf/gf relationship seem a bit different than what is getting met. I'm not saying to drop him, friendship is important.

Though about the sex, there are many reasons why it can be uncomfortable. Sometimes it's a mental thing, for example; he didn't put the clothes in the wash when you asked him and similar for a period of time, so making you feel unappreciated, sometimes it's a case of attraction or lack thereof, sometimes it's a lack of foreplay, sometimes the other person is too big or too small. It can also be a mixture of these things too.

I totally agree with the poster who said, don't have sex unless you're comfortable with it. It's your body, if you don't want it, you have the right to say no to it.

About the drinking, good for you on reducing it. I would suggest that if you could get your friend to reduce his drinking it would be good for both of you. Binge drinking is not the best for anyones liver or kidneys. I've heard it's very difficult for someone to reduce the ammount of drinking that they do, so congrats to you on your success.

humiliation has set in

Last edited by FaithHopeCheese on 19 Oct 2009, 8:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Your story sounds all too similar to my wife's story... Im guessing that you are probably little bit out of your x's league as far as physical attractiveness goes.

My wife was engaged to a guy who she was never physically or emotionally attracted to for four f****** years! She was with him that long cause she didn't quite know how to break it off with him. She was way too concerned about his feeling. He was madly (pathetically) in love with her and she kept putting off the break up. If he had not wasted her money away... I think she may still be that deadbeat. However; it turned out for the better since she left that guy. Now she dotes over me night and day. And she always gets her frills in bed .

Bottom line
Don't waste anymore time with that guy. Be frank and tell him upright you just want to be friends. If you are in love your are going to know it (the sickening doting will come). If you don't already dote over this guy you're not in love. You'll find someone who pleases and understands you down the road. I'd suggest hanging out at an engineering school haha. Hope that helps!

humiliation has set in

Last edited by FaithHopeCheese on 19 Oct 2009, 8:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

humiliation has set in

Last edited by FaithHopeCheese on 19 Oct 2009, 8:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

"quoting" issue

Last edited by FaithHopeCheese on 18 Oct 2009, 7:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.