I thought I understood relationships and dating but...

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...now I realize I'm as ignorant as a child in this area. It's a scary realization.

I really don't think I have a proper grasp at all of what's going on and the actual functionality of these things. Do people sort of hang out and hook up with different friends - like trying people out - and then move into relationships from there? Do people go on dates with heaps of different people and favour the ones they like better? Are people constantly hooking up with and perusing several different people at one time until the moment they are officially "in a relationship"?

I had always thought it a one on one interaction, but I realize how foolish I was.

there should be an infographic explaining this.

Me too. I think I'd fare better in the 19th century. A little porch sitting is not a bad thing before you jump into something. My screwy problem with relationships is I'd rather at all costs avoid the breakup. I have a confrontation phobia. So I'd rather be sure before I start. So I'm either not starting or starting with unrealistic expectations. So anything I've started has always been short-lived. Learning of the possibility of an ASD sort of took the pressure off. I'm already middle-aged and it seems a little silly to still be waiting for my life to start-this is it.

There is no one 'method' or script -- people do all kinds of different things. The only way to know what's going on with whomever you're currently seeing is to talk about it.

Yes OP, it's unfortunate but true: college-aged kids often have sex without bothering with the pretense of a relationship. That leads to a lot of people having a lot of casual sex. I never considered myself a prude, but I think it's ridiculous that otherwise smart women fall for a "friends with benefits" situation - they should call it "friends with consequences" - because women typically will get most of them (STIs, pregnancy, infertility, etc.).

However, that doesn't mean you should adopt those standards. If a guy likes you, he should ask you out on a date. And if he's not willing to see you exclusively, he shouldn't expect to be sexual in any way. Trust me, if you draw a line that you're comfortable with, it will be easier to weed out the guys who are interested in a relationship from the guys who just want to get laid.

When I was in my early twenties I lived in a house with 3 other people, two of which were a couple in an open relationship. I started noticing if one of them had a date the other had to make sure to have a date too. Everyone was keeping score whether they realized it or not. I knew them through a mutual friend. He and his girlfriend got into the whole open scene too. He was an old friend from my hometown. Whenever she had a date he would call me up and we would go out and I'd listen to him going on and on about "what they were doing now".Then he'd get drunk and try to seduce me (no go). Eventually he realized he was miserable and wanted out of the situation.

I normally don't say this...seriously, this has to do with ones own personal needs. Exclusivity being the hinge of a relationship depends heavily on what someone is interested in at the moment. I have been in an open/poly relationship for awhile, and I am pretty damn happy in it. Monogomy does not have to be a requirement for a solid relationship.

In general sexuality shouldn't be expected until one is comfortable with it anyway. But you seem to have in your mind there is a "monogomy is the only way" tract. Hell, I know plenty of women who would be turned off by that concept. And while women bear alot of the consequences...that does not mean there are not potential benefits if one is playing safe.

And you being a prude is dead on. Women play friends with benefits for the same reason men do...they like sex, and sometimes sex without the relationship BS is a better option than sex with it, and sometimes those in an open relationship enjoy the benifits of an open relationship (one of which is being free of the dishonesty and jealousy that seems to be a big part of monogomous ones). Its not otherwise smart women...no these are smart women in general, they just want an active sex life for thier own pleasure.

There is no one way in which it works. You need a good friend to guide you. That's what I do. I'm building a relationship with one girl. My parents and best friend are guiding me.

Starygrrl - Since you're completely happy being in a polyamorous relationship, I can see why you'd think I'm a prude. I would never consider being in a poly, although I understand that works for some people (it doesn't work for a lot of people, but it does work for some). I'm not saying you shouldn't be happy with it - it just wouldn't work for me.

As to your "playing safe" comment....girl, you're living in a dream world. Even when you faithfully use condoms, there are no guarantees. Seriously - do you know what the leading cause of throat and tonsil cancer is? HPV. Do you know how many people have caught herpes and HPV while using condoms correctly? There's more skin-to-skin contact during sex than just genital to genital - which is why condoms are not even close to completely effective at preventing these diseases. Do you know how often birth control fails?

I'm not making a moral judgment, I'm talking about the reality of real-life consequences, and the ugly truth is that when it comes to sex and disease and pregnancy and infertility, men and women just don't share the risks equally. And while smart women can choose to live a high risk lifestyle (like yours), I think it's reckless of you to give the impression that it's anything but high risk. I hope you stay healthy, but the the odds of that happening are not in your favor.

Ditto that.

It reduces down to two things:

1. What do YOU want?
2. Is the person your seeing on the same page?

My personal policy is:

1. I don't feel comfortable dating more than one person at a time.
2. Physical relationships are exclusive relationships, no exceptions.

I've been hurt more than once by assuming that the girl I was seeing had the same policies - it may be awkward, but you have to ask (or figure out a way to find out) - and the sooner the better before things get "ugly".

For me personally I was never comfortable with the idea of a relationship from the get go. I have a hard enough time just trying to talk to someone that adding the pressure of a possible relationship could send me into a full blown panic attack. Every relationship I have ever been in always started as just being friends, being able to feel comfortable with them, and eventually open up and not feel odd. The men that were patient enough, strong enough, and accepting enough eventually just became a relationship. Because I am so uncomfortable with people in my space, casual sex has never been in my personality therefor has never proven to be an issue.

In my relationships, I've meet the woman through a club (as in social clubs) and gotten to know her over a period of 2-12 months. Then we started dating.

PEW research reports 85% of married people met at school, work or through friends/clubs. Down in the single digits were the Internet, church and bars.