Mood swings and relationships.

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I have depression along with the aspergers, that is for the most part taken care of with medication. Every once in a while, however, I start to feel really down out of nowhere, usually for a small period of time (a few hours.) Really down as in, questioning life and thinking everything is pointless. The good news, like I said, is that usually I fall to sleep and wake up the next morning and feel fine.

On top of it, when a girl broke up with me and tried to basically just ignore me and hope I'd get out of her life, I was "this" close to trying to kill myself by overdosing on my medication. Life genuinely seemed pointless, not just a passing feeling. I wanted to kill myself so she'd have to live with the fact that I did it because she was ignoring me. (Yes, selfish and pathetic and stupid at the same time, I don't feel that way now.)

What I'm wondering is, with the sudden changes of mood and inability to deal with stress and sudden changes and abandonment, how am I ever supposed to deal with an actual relationship where I get dumped after being with the love of my life for months or years? Her and I had only been dating a couple months and only knew each other a month before that. Yes, we got close, shared a lot of personal info, and yes, I know when someone gets dumped they have the brunt of things especially when they still like the person that dumped them, but when you're way of dealing with things in a potentially fatal manner, is being eternally single the best option?

Suicidal thoughts and how to deal with them ethically belong to the realm of professionals. It's too serious to trust to internet strangers.

One thing that might help is plastering suicide hotline numbers all over your apartment, but I have no idea if that's a good or a bad idea. Again, that's between you and your chosen professionals.

I'm not sure how to answer this.

I think that if a person breaking up with you would cause you to take drastic actions, it might be a good idea to avoid relationships of that type. If you can work on yourself so that a break up does not cause you to feel that drastic action is the way to go, then relationships of that type are possable.

Are you having councilling along with your meds? councilling is a good idea, you can (if it's a good councillor) get some help figuring out about things (emotionwise). Personally, I don't think that meds alone are good because it doesn't look at the cause and sometimes the cause is the persons environment and not purely a case of biological makeup.

About the girl, figuring out why she broke up with you might help a bit (if you can handle it). Relationships are hard for a good few people with AS for many reasons, and there are many threads covering the issues. A big issue is not reading body language correctly, if at all, and so things can come as a big shock to Aspies that NT's would have seen a mile away.

No, I know why she broke up with me, even then I did. She wanted to "date," I wanted to be official. Simple as that. Also, I was touchy feely, she wasn't. Her and her previous boyfriend had disagreements about cuddling/kissing.

As for talking to a therapist, or the rapist, not going to happen. Have talked to dozens and talked for 2 for over a year a piece, and didn't improve with either despite full disclosure to both. The-rapists are in it for the money. I'm reminded of a scene in There's Something About Mary where the shrink isn't even paying attention to what Ben Stiller is saying. That's how every therapist I've seen has been like. Just collecting an easy paycheck, and acting surprised, despite obvious signs beforehand, when there's a crisis situation, i.e. hospitalization or suicide attempt.

Ugh, yes, no arguments from me about there being a lot of bad therapists out there. You might have much better luck by first finding a psychiatrist who understand Asperger's then asking that person for help finding a therapist competent to treat someone with Asperger's. Therapist or no, a psychiatrist who understands Asperger's sounds crucial if you're having suicidal periods.

It's just not ethical for strangers on the internet to try to help you with this one, unfortunately.

Have you tried suicide hotlines? Some of those people might be a little more human than the therapists you've dealt with so far.

I'm not suicidal at the moment, and was only suicidal for a few days about a month after the break-up, when she was playing the "I want to be your friend, but at the same time, wish you wouldn't call and just go away" have her cake and eat it too game. I was new to the whole thing.

I understand what you're going through, as I've experienced it almost exactly as you described, right down to Therapists being absolutely useless. I found my pains were more rooted in logical hopelessness than anything else. Simply finding solutions for what bothers me leaves life a lot easier to cope with. Plus, now I don't have to deal with constantly being three steps ahead of some shrink.

There is advice on how to write dating profiles, if that's the route you want to take. Just be sure to follow whatever advice you get. And remember, 'put your best foot forward' has a point. Neurotypicals have come to expect that there are some skeletons they won't know about. If you put all your problems out there up front, it'll just confuse the hell out of them, as they move on to the next profile.

It's easier to explain any issues AFTER you've talked to someone a bit. It's not natural for us, but it's what you've got to do if you want the type of relationship you deserve.

You've gotten some good advice on how to find a competent therapist - you should take that advice. There are good therapists out there, who can help you develop the coping skills you need to work through problems like these. You have to be persistent and keep trying therapists until you find one that's a good fit for you: communicates well with you, understands you, supports you. And yes, that's a hassle and it's going to take some time, but you (and your mental health and well being) are worth the investment.

Let me point something out to you: you survived this break-up. Yes, you came perilously close to do something incredibly foolish - but you didn't. Surviving difficult situations like this is not fun, but it provides valueable life experience. I know you wouldn't want to repeat the process, but you got through it. Acknowledge that - be proud of it. And get yourself a therapist who can help you get through the next tough experience a bit more easily. Good luck.

Therapists can't help with clinical depression. I find it no coincedence that as soon as I was given the right prescription, I've had the time of my life minus that one week with the break-up. I haven't seen a therapist since June 2008...and if I desperately need someone to talk to, my psychatrist is an honest and reliable man who isn't in it for the money. I have a visit with him every month or two for a half-hour.

Of course therapists can help with clinical depression - that's the whole point of their profession and their training. If you are suffering primarily from a bio-chemically based depression, then yes, the use of a chemical solution - an anti-depressant - will be really effective in alleviating your symptoms.

However, you indicated that you went through a very stressful (though short) crisis that was brought on by the break-up of your relationship (definitely not bio-chemically triggered). A trusted therapist - someone trained to help you cope, and to develop coping skills - could have been a great help to you during that crisis. Of course, you could wait for the next crisis to come along and roll the dice on your pyschiatrist's availability. You could also use your time and energy to find someone to help you develop that set of coping skills - so the next crisis won't be as severe. It's all your choice, your consequences. I wish you the best.

To be honest, I think a lot of it was just being a beginner...the whole "first cut is the deepest" thing. The break-up, while for a veteran could have been predicted (and might have been avoided altogether or postponed) I was just too focused on trying to make her my official girlfriend. That, coupled with the fact that for some reason I wanted her to care about me as much as my parents and family. It bothered me that one moment we were having oral sex and fooling around and the next minute she just wants me completely out of her life. I now know this is quite common, and to most people, sexual interaction and dating is nothing more than a handshake.

It's common, yes, but it's not common to most people, and it's rare even for those who do this to do it throughout their lives.

I understand that suicidal thoughts are nothing to take lightly, even when they have a legitimate reason (being an Aspie and taking his first male/female relationship at face value and not knowing the NT rules)...but I think overall what has ever caused the suicidal thoughts besides that was overwhelming stress. I was only working 20 hours a few years ago but it felt like I was working 40 and I heard my bosses make fun of me and say they were only keeping me there because they wanted my brother to stay. That pushed me to the edge, and led to a suicide attempt, that led to the Asperger diagnosis.

I probably will never have to work for the rest of my life in a typical 9-5 job, and deal with a**holes, so unless I run into a b*tch (literally a b*tch, not calling all women b*tches) and get obsessed with her, I should be ok.

Honey, if you were my child, I wouldn't rest until you had a great therapist. It's horrifying to think you'd try to take your own life over some crappy remark some goof made.

As far as the whole "NT rules" thing....I don't think it's about being NT vs Aspie. IMO, quality women (and men) do not jump into having sex before there's a real relationship, and a real commitment. (I know as a guy, it's virtually unheard of to turn down a willing female.) But a good rule of thumb is that if you haven't been in a relationship long enough for mutual "I love you's" to be exchanged, whatever sex is going on doesn't mean a thing. As you've learned (the hard way), the fact that this girl was not willing to date you exclusively (but was willing to put out) is a pretty good indicator that she wasn't worth your emotional investment or your time.

What also confused me was that she was willing to do all those things (and in my opinion, oral sex is more of a project than regular sex seems like) and wouldn't sleep with me. It was a complete ego bruise. It wasn't even so much that I was that desperate to have sex or that horny, but I was offended that she wouldn't sleep with me, knowing in the past, even if it was the distant past (when she was in college 4-5 years ago) she'd given it up to horny drunks that had no feelings for her. I genuinely liked her as a person at one point.

Actually it sounds like you handled the break-up well for a beginner. Having been through the cycle more times than I can count, here’s what I think.

Getting really attached to a relationship – making it necessary for survival – is an issue. Holding on that tight is a negative for the relationship and for me as an individual. It’s always amazing to watch people slip easily in and out of relationships. I’m guessing it’s a learned behavior. I know the balance between not committing to a relationship and maintaining independence is an art.

(Advice to self: Think of it as an experiment to see how my being, with good and not so good parts, fits with a potential partner.)

Takes courage to try again. Good Luck!