Why's She Dating HIM? A Second Update

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Brianruns10
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06 Nov 2009, 11:33 am

For those unfamilar with my prior two posts: a girl who I've known for six plus years, who I've wanted to date but was unable because I was at school, started seeing someone she randomly met. This sickened me to no end, since he looked like a jerk. But then I learned she was moving to a far away city, which had me hopeful she'd DTMFA.

Well, the girl moved to the city. In her last email, I learned that she just got back from another city (which I won't name, but suffice to say, is far away), where she was visiting that JERK. Dammit, she's really serious about him, and it makes me sick. Sick that after all those years I've known her, and tried to cultivate a relationship, she chose someone else she's only known a few months. Someone who clearly is able to give her something I could not.

Am I that defective? Every time I think I'm making headway, it all gets snatched away by someone else. Jeez, one girl I was interested in wound up hooking up with a married guy. Some f*ckers can't have one girl. They've got to have two!

I'd give anything for someone to care that much about me that she'd be willing to take a weekend to travel a distance to see me. Heck, just call me. Do you have this experience? It's the same with my friends. I always have to call. They never call me. It makes me paranoid that I'm just a pity thing, that if I didn't make the first effort, they wouldn't give a damn about me.

Ive searched my memories, and I can think of not a single instance in which someone has said they've had a crush on me. Not one instance when a friend has said, "You know, so-and-so likes you."

In contrast I've tried so many times to connect: friends, classmates, blind dates, and lately even internet dating, and nothing has happened. It scares me that I've done all the work with nothing in return. Nothing to tell me I'm on the right track.

Is it wrong to ask for a little success? A little companionship? I'm not asking for the perfect girl to spend the rest of my life with. I'm not even asking for long term. Just someone to hang with, to enjoy a nice evening. To have someone who WANTS me (so just to head off the suggestions, prostitutes are OUT. What I want they, by definition, can't give). I wish I had someone I can tell my troubles to when I'm stressed? Dammit, I've never even held hands.

I thought that now I was done with school, and had a good job, that I would have more success with dating. I thought I was successful, and I had lots of cool stories to tell about life in filmmaking. I was starting to build up more confidence.

Then I got laid off and I feel even worse. Who the hell would even want to know me or date me now, being jobless with little money and living at home. Who'd want to date a loser? How the f*ck am I supposed to act confident when it's all gonna fall apart the minute she asks, "What do you do?" or "Where do you live." Jesus Christ. What am I going to do now?



JohnnyD017
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06 Nov 2009, 12:34 pm

I know exactly what you mean. There was a girl i knew who started off interested in me then just totally started avoiding me and two weeks later had a boyfriend who turned out was her 2nd cousin. What the hell!?? Looking back im kinda glad she didnt pick me but still! A relative? What does that say about me?

Weve all heard the "girls just like confidence" line. At our age it doesnt apply quite as much as in high school but maybe a little bit. As I say "theres a fine line between confidence and arrogance" and many girls cant tell the difference between to two yet someone like me who wasnt supposed to be able to read people AT ALL can tell the difference. But ive had girls who i havent told about being unemployed or ive lied to and said im still a student and they still arent interested even when i do everything else right. It worries me.

Theres a girl that works with one of my friends and hes trying to get me to talk to her. I dont even want to talk to her purely cos i know ill get my hopes up and have them crushed again. Thats what its come to. :(

I fully understand about people never calling you its always you who has to call them. Sometimes ill hear about an event later and ask why the hell wasnt i told about it! Its like a separate club everyone else is in and im not on the list even though im listed as a 'friend'. I cant keep in touch with my old friends from school cos they hardly ever respond when i send them emails and things. But when i was with them i thought we all got along well, maybe i was wrong :(

I guess none of this really helps you, but just letting you know youre not the only one feeling this way! And if i think of anything to help ill let you know!

Oh I do have one thing that you could consider. Ive heard my voice on tape and sometimes i sound really nervous even when im not nervous at all. That could be a turn off, cos they think im scared of them. ie. lack of confidence. maybe you could look into your voice and see what you sound like.



Brianruns10
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06 Nov 2009, 1:05 pm

Your words do help. It says were not alone. It sucks we're all suffering though. I wish it WAS just me.

What's worse is it makes me question everybody and everything. I almost never get calls from my "friends," and when I do, they're usually call backs after I've left two or three messages. I start to wonder if they're really my friends, or if they're just pitying me, just think I'm pathetic.

And do we really ask for all that much? I don't feel like I'm asking for too much. Just a call every now and again, "Hey, what's up? I was thinning about you. We're going out for drinks, wanna come?"

As for women, yes,I understand the whole, "The guy's gotta make the first move." I don't expect girls to just throw themselves at me. But the silence is deafening. I can't accept that if a girl DID like me, that she would be so beholden to that anachronistic practice that she would just sit idly by waiting for ME to make the move. Why not say something? The lack of any response says the fact is that NO ONE is interested in me. That I'm so repellent that no girl could in their right mind want me.

And since no one is honest enough to give feedback, how am I to improve? What is it about me that repells people? How can I change? No one says. We're left to just blindly, futiliely grope in the darkness. Without hope



HopeGrows
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06 Nov 2009, 9:04 pm

OP, I know you're unemployed right now, so money might be tight....but do you think an investment in a life coach (with expertise in your area) might make sense? That might be an interesting way for you to do some role playing, and get feedback (if there are some areas you can improve in)....all without the anxiety and stress that a real dating situation can cause.

Everybody needs training in certain areas of their lives - this just happens to be your area. Why not just bite the bullet and make an investment in yourself?

As far as the possibility of a sex worker...I know you're looking for someone to connect with on more than a physical level....but there may be benefits to you in connecting on a physical level, professional or not. Since you read Dan Savage, I bet if you emailed Dan, he might be able to steer you in the right direction. (I'm sorry if I offended you, but I don't think your situation is hopeless - maybe you just need to look at it a little differently.)



Shebakoby
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08 Nov 2009, 7:54 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
Your words do help. It says were not alone. It sucks we're all suffering though. I wish it WAS just me.

What's worse is it makes me question everybody and everything. I almost never get calls from my "friends," and when I do, they're usually call backs after I've left two or three messages. I start to wonder if they're really my friends, or if they're just pitying me, just think I'm pathetic.

And do we really ask for all that much? I don't feel like I'm asking for too much. Just a call every now and again, "Hey, what's up? I was thinning about you. We're going out for drinks, wanna come?"

As for women, yes,I understand the whole, "The guy's gotta make the first move." I don't expect girls to just throw themselves at me. But the silence is deafening. I can't accept that if a girl DID like me, that she would be so beholden to that anachronistic practice that she would just sit idly by waiting for ME to make the move. Why not say something? The lack of any response says the fact is that NO ONE is interested in me. That I'm so repellent that no girl could in their right mind want me.

And since no one is honest enough to give feedback, how am I to improve? What is it about me that repells people? How can I change? No one says. We're left to just blindly, futiliely grope in the darkness. Without hope


They have been taught that approaching YOU will scare YOU off.