Questions about relationships.

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zeldapsychology
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06 Nov 2009, 12:08 pm

Did you meet your significant other naturally? As in at work/school etc. and for how long have you been together as boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. The reason I ask is Spokane Girl mention using a messageboard Uh IMO no thanks I'd like to meet people naturally at a job or school. (BTW do spur of the moment episodes truly happen? That guy you saw shopping or at a fair etc. IMO it sounds fake but does anyone have any real experience with that?) Also as Aspies how do you deal with arguments? This is my #1 issue while I've NEVER had a boyfriend I DON'T want to argue with you over stuff! It's ANNOYING hearing it from my parents/sister&husband I DON'T WANT IT IN MY RELATIONSHIP!! !! !



kc8ufv
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06 Nov 2009, 12:44 pm

Spur of the moment interest can happen, though I have no stats on outcome. Only once have I taken my waitress on a date.



anna-banana
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06 Nov 2009, 1:03 pm

zeldapsychology wrote:
This is my #1 issue while I've NEVER had a boyfriend I DON'T want to argue with you over stuff! It's ANNOYING hearing it from my parents/sister&husband I DON'T WANT IT IN MY RELATIONSHIP!! !! !


perhaps learning how arguments between partners work will help you avoid those in the future:
Image


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zeldapsychology
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06 Nov 2009, 1:32 pm

ROFL!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! AWESOME CHARTS!! !! !! !! !! !!



PlatedDrake
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06 Nov 2009, 2:39 pm

Well, guess id fail at relationships since i cant stand the thought of letting someone else win for no reason. If im right, i'll prove it dammit, and if that argument is still right, be quiet. If the other can prove otherwise, i'll shut up, but not unless it can be proven.


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Lene
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06 Nov 2009, 4:08 pm

lmao, thanks for the graph Anna-banana; I showed it to the bf and he's making me email it to him :p



laura123
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06 Nov 2009, 5:09 pm

When I was younger I couldn't let go the argument when I knew I was right until the other person would admit the I was right. I'm a bit older now, more mature, and I learned that we can both be right in the same time.

At the begining of our relationship my husband used to accuse me of something (that didn't even crossed my mind 8O ) and was very upset and with his behaviour to punish me for what he tought I did wrong. It used to drive me crazy and we used to argue a lot. But we loved each other too much so we managed to stay togheter. I always knew he was a very fair person, it's not in his nature to be unfair and I had problems understanding this. After few years we realised that he has big troubles understanding people :lol: (we had no idea about Aspergers), that he reads the signs wrong and that he gets a bit paranoid when he feels that he doesn't know what's going on. We made a deal, he will ask when he is unsure about something and I will explain. I learned to communicate much more verbally and not to react so stronglly when he is wrong about my intentions.



CrinklyCrustacean
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06 Nov 2009, 6:28 pm

I'd like to add an extra loop to that chart, to the bit which says, "is he making a logical argument for his POV?"

As soon as you realise you are losing, tell him that he is standing there doing nothing rather than something productive (even though he and you have both been standing there for the last 20 minutes).

Laura123 wrote:
When I was younger I couldn't let go the argument when I knew I was right until the other person would admit the I was right. I'm a bit older now, more mature, and I learned that we can both be right in the same time.


When I get into an argument like this it is always an either/or topic - there is no 'we're both right', so I will continue until one of us provides a convincing justification for their POV. If I am right, I will not stand down to keep the peace. If I am wrong, they have to prove it.



Orbyss
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06 Nov 2009, 7:00 pm

GRAPH IS WIN.



Maggiedoll
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06 Nov 2009, 7:36 pm

I met Kris online.
I don't think we've ever had an actual fight.. and I've been living with him for almost a year. He's an engineer, and he's very AS-ish too, so he spends lots of time absorbed in things. Also his ex was just a really horribly nasty person, so nothing I ever do that might be considered bitchy even registers on his bitch-o-meter. Like if I get a bit annoyed and snap about something, he doesn't consider that bitchy, although I end up feeling totally guilty for it. I'll apologize for being a b***h and he's like "huh?" Makes for very little opportunity for fights to even come up.
I guess probably a lot of girls would feel ignored and totally pick fights in my situation.. but it's so nice and peaceful and stuff. Said other girls who might get pissed over something like that would do so 'cause they had their heads up their butts.



Azharia
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06 Nov 2009, 7:52 pm

I met my husband in the roleplaying society in college. :) So naturally in a suited setting?

You WILL disagree with another person, love or no. Otherwise life would be boring, you'd be carbon copies of each other. The difference between fighting and not is just how you deal with disagreements. Stay calm and talk things out, and don't bottle up things that upset you. I am far from great at all this, my not bottling up things tends to have them come up explosively, but husband understands me and despite it we never fight :)



hartzofspace
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06 Nov 2009, 8:52 pm

zeldapsychology wrote:
Did you meet your significant other naturally? As in at work/school etc. and for how long have you been together as boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. The reason I ask is Spokane Girl mention using a messageboard Uh IMO no thanks I'd like to meet people naturally at a job or school. (BTW do spur of the moment episodes truly happen? That guy you saw shopping or at a fair etc. IMO it sounds fake but does anyone have any real experience with that?) Also as Aspies how do you deal with arguments? This is my #1 issue while I've NEVER had a boyfriend I DON'T want to argue with you over stuff! It's ANNOYING hearing it from my parents/sister&husband I DON'T WANT IT IN MY RELATIONSHIP!! !! !


Well, my relationship is brand new. How I met him, was in an Aspie support group, believe it or not! Overcome with being in a room full of Aspies, I was very aware of him, but could barely speak. Later, he told me that he was interested in me, from the moment I walked into the room. I had tried online dating services, and had been making an effort to go to social things of interest to me, for nearly 2 years, before I heard of this group and decided to try it. We didn't actually start dating right away; he is very shy, and I've been burned more than twice. So, yeah, I can say we met "naturally." I was very mistrustful of internet stuff, in looking for a significant other. I have this deep seated, primitive urge, to smell people, in order to get to know them. I can tell from someone's scent if I am going to like them or not.

As for fighting, we are both logical and usually painstakingly honest, so far. I can't imagine getting angry enough to fight with him, but only time will tell. I really hate fighting. It is so exhausting.


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visnofskygirl
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07 Nov 2009, 7:09 am

hartzofspace wrote:

Well, my relationship is brand new. How I met him, was in an Aspie support group, believe it or not! Overcome with being in a room full of Aspies, I was very aware of him, but could barely speak. Later, he told me that he was interested in me, from the moment I walked into the room. I had tried online dating services, and had been making an effort to go to social things of interest to me, for nearly 2 years, before I heard of this group and decided to try it. We didn't actually start dating right away; he is very shy, and I've been burned more than twice. So, yeah, I can say we met "naturally." I was very mistrustful of internet stuff, in looking for a significant other. I have this deep seated, primitive urge, to smell people, in order to get to know them. I can tell from someone's scent if I am going to like them or not.

As for fighting, we are both logical and usually painstakingly honest, so far. I can't imagine getting angry enough to fight with him, but only time will tell. I really hate fighting. It is so exhausting.


Kinda similar to mine but I never tried online dating services :D


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Yagaloth
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08 Nov 2009, 10:25 am

zeldapsychology wrote:
Also as Aspies how do you deal with arguments? This is my #1 issue while I've NEVER had a boyfriend I DON'T want to argue with you over stuff! It's ANNOYING hearing it from my parents/sister&husband I DON'T WANT IT IN MY RELATIONSHIP!! !! !


I'm expecting disagreements, arguments, even fights (not physical ones, but "I'm not talking to you for the rest of the night" fights) eventually in any relationship I'm in. There's no way out of that. In fact, I'm counting on it and hoping for it: the weirdest, creepiest relationships I've ever seen are the ones where one party is too weak to disagree with the other, when the other is clearly wrong. It's the fights over petty little stuff that should be avoided, though - I want my arguments to be rare, and over real differences of opinion where something constructive can come out of the results.

To me, the best arguments against my position are the ones that are calm and well-reasoned, especially the ones that demonstrate how multiple benefits can be gained from taking a different action. And if it can be shown that my position is contradictory to principles I believe in strongly, I'll change my position in a heartbeat. Tell me "you are wrong, and here is why according to your own principles... now, can you think of a better solution?", and I will almost certainly enjoy the challenge of working out a better solution with my partner's guidance and support.



As for your other questions, I agree that I would rather meet someone in a normal day-to-day setting, get to know them a little better every day, and then try out a more intimate relationship after the "new" wears off and I'm more comfortable with the other person. I don't see why a long-distance relationship couldn't work, but it would take a lot more effort and trust to maintain, I would imagine. I absolutely do not trust "love at first sight" relationships, though - I've all too often found myself terribly disappointed in someone I loved at first sight, after getting a chance to know her better; there's always a chance it will work out, but not enough of one to make me want to invest myself into it before knowing the girl better.



Maggiedoll
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08 Nov 2009, 10:59 am

zeldapsychology wrote:
Did you meet your significant other naturally?

This is kinda bugging me.. given how much time so may people spend online, how is online not "naturally"? Is meeting through a mutual acquaintance "naturally"?
I read an article recently that said that one out of every eight couples married last year met online.. I imagine that that number will keep rising for awhile, too.
What if it's online, but not a dating site or anything? Say two people met on WP or in SL or something, and eventually met each other in real life? Would that be "naturally"?