21-years-old, single, and very, very lonely!

Post Reply New Topic

I am a 21-year-old college student from California who like most people on this site has Asperger's Syndrome. I have transcended many people's low expectations of me over the years in several important aspects of my life: academic, fitness/health, and independent living skills such as driving. Despite these achievements of mine, I still don't have any friends and have never dated in my life. I so long for the day when I find a woman who understands me and loves me for who I really am. What I am looking for is a woman between the ages of 19 - 23 who like me is also an aspie, that way we could truly understand and relate to one anothers eccentricities.


Biography: I was born to two loving parents on October 11th, 1988. They always noticed that I was a little different in regards to my social skills and interests starting from when I was three-years-old. I was officially diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 1995 at the age of six. Throughout my attendence at public school, I was bullied and humiliated by several kids and even a couple teachers! I was ostricized by my peers and was a complete outcast. By the end of fourth grade my gaurdian angel/mother made the life changing decision to homeschool me. My morale and optimism increased dramatically and I was as happy as I was before entering public school. By the time I was in high school, I had lost all of the excess weight I had gained in elementary school and was actually fitter than most of the other students in my charter school. Now I am a competative trail runner with two races under my belt: A Half-Marathon (13th Place/90 contestants) and a 30k (10th place/ 82 Contestants). I have transcended everyone's low expectations of me and have defied the notion that all Aspies are unathletic due to poor coordination. To compensate I found a sport that required a low - moderate amount of coordination and utilized my aspergian laser-like focus to become the best that I could at a sport that I now excell at.

Photo of Myself:
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3513/403 ... 4d5260.jpg

Buddy, you're a pretty good looking kid. First off, find some fashionable clothes that fit you well. Be aware that polo shirts and t-shirts are kind of lame/cliche. Cultivate a style of dress. Go out with some friends of yours that like to party and be friendly with everyone. Learn to small talk, ask open ended questions, smile, watch people's faces (eyes are crucial), and most importantly, look like you're happy and having fun. Seriously, actually try to be happy and have fun. If you suck at dancing, just give it a shot anyways, girls will appreciate it. I used to fret about all of this stuff, and still do all the time.

Partying will give you an environment to learn to socially calibrate yourself. Any environment works, though. It's just some are more efficient than others. You can't approach 5 receptive girls in 20 minutes in all environments.

Give girls a hard time about silly things. They love this. I think it's called flirting, but I dunno. If they give you a hard time about something, it often means the image you put off makes them unconsciously (or consciously, who knows) see you as a contender and they want to test if your actual personality/behavior is congruent with that image. If you give them a hard time right back, you raise attraction. Doing this correctly is like when you're playing with a small puppy and it keeps gnawing on your hand, but you ignore it and continue toying with it. This stupid back and forth eventually culminates in her seeing you as a kind of masculine guy and this is extremely attractive. She's going to start opening up physically to you. One thing will lead to another, then boom, you'll be making out with her

Seriously, a guy with your looks should not be posting personal ads in a forum where it is frowned upon. Watch girls passing you by on the street and you'll notice them checking you out pretty consistently during the day if you put yourself in the right clothes and walk in a casual, relaxed manner.

Honestly I'd say start with going out and trying to make some friends. Keeping up a friendship and not screwing everything up can be hard. Keeping a relationship working is much harder. After that go with what roadGames suggests tbh - it might look a bit shallow but it's a good way to go and get more confident and meet people without putting too many expectations and too much strain on it.

roadGames, Thank you so much for your complements and your advice. I will be sure to follow it when the time is right. Thank you Gremmie for your support and advice as well.

Lookn' good Matt and I'd go out with you if I was 5 years younger and in your area.

You seem to be an honest sort of guy and right off the bat you seem to have an easy going personality as far as your interests and self is concerned. I'm a little miffed about women myself even though I am one lol. So I don't know why except maybe like most of us you struggle in those little social cues we seem to miss out on and then of course reciprocating those feelings into our outter expressions. This is at least what's been brought up with me from people.

I don't know if dating sites would be a great option unless it's locally. The only reason I bring that up is because sometimes people have higher expectations online than in real life. I think though that if you're the sort that can blow it off and move on then you have a chance. But you're definitely not alone with this, I'm 26 and don't have any friends or boyfriends.

I don't want to sound like a guru or someone who would advice you but for some ideas you might pursue your interest in a small club or class. That way you might be able to meet someone who also shares your interest. I think for some of us aspies our interests is almost like our focal point and it makes it much harder to connect with someone who doesn't share that same passion. If you don't find a partner then maybe a friend who in the long run might be able to connect you with someone.

Single or not, you're a good looking kid and you seem pretty bright. I'm not sure why a girl wouldn't want to go out with you except maybe some of the difficulties most of us have in connecting with people.

Thank you MissConstrue, for your advice and support as well. I actually did join a club a couple of months ago thinking I might meet up with like minded people. It was a running club, however many of the people in that club already had thier own little groups and only occaisionally included me in thier conversations. I couldn't really connect with alot of people in that club, however I think I had several disadvantages. One being that I was probably the only one with Asperger's Syndrome in that club and I really couldn't relate to anyone else, second I was alot younger than many of the people in that club me being one of only three twenty-something year olds, thirdly and most importantly, I had a bad taste left in my mouth after the coach of that club implied that he thought I was stupid for not understanding a complicated excercise drill. I never told anyone in that club that I had Asperger's Syndrome, since at that time I was still extremely embarressed and in denial about that fact. I am contemplating returning to my running club and informing the coach of my issue regarding my difficulty comprehending certain verbal instructions, maybe he might be more sympathetic and understanding of me, or maybe I'm just being naive and he might patronize me even more knowing that about me.

It's too bad you don't live in CT. I'm hugely into psychology (cognitive and biological psychology, specifically) and would be more than happy to introduce you to my buddies who are also big into psych or related fields like cognitive science or neuroscience.

I used to be just you like, though. It's really hard to talk about things that aren't in your focal point of interest, isn't it? You just gotta plow through it. I made friends with this one really friendly girl specifically because she didn't know jack about my field and it'd force me to talk about other things. It'll be hard at first, but eventually you'll get accustomed to it. You've gotta learn to let your mind be able to freely associate with and wander over what people are telling you. I've got a degree in cognitive science and it's STILL hard to explain human socialization, haha. The only thing that will allow you to do this more comfortably is just getting more and more experience talking with random people out there in the world. It doesn't have to be a long, drawn out deep conversation.

I've always wanted to go to New England, especially Maine and Vermont in the fall.

It's a gorgeous place during the spring, fall, and summer. Plenty of cool trails to bike on (or in your case, run on). During the winter, on the other hand, it can get pretty melancholy unless you like to ski.

If you ever get an urge to check out New England, or anywhere else for that matter, let me suggest that you do it via couch surfing with a friend (www.couchsurfing.org). You will meet so many amazing people who will gladly show you around their area for a day and provide a place for you to sleep at completely free of charge so long as you provide them some comradery. On top of this, you'll become a more friendly person. Girls love that.

Thank's for the advice, I will look into it. I think I would first like to hike the Green Mountains in Vermont, followed by a visit to the woods of Maine and possibly a trip to Mont Tremblont, Quebec.