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therange
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14 Nov 2009, 8:43 am

I don't get why I have this fantasy of having sex with a lot of women. Even though I've never had sex, deep down I know I don't have it in me to have sex with multiple women anyway and don't want to. I'm the kind of guy to form an emotional connection with one woman or two at the most, and then figure out which one is right for me. When the girl I was dating and I ended things, it was a date with a non-sexual plain jane (I say non sexual because she admitted to not having a dating or sex life) who had a great personality that temporarily got my mind off the ex. In fact, I remember there being better looking women at the coffee shop when the plain jane and I were talking, but I didn't even notice them because I was having such a good time talking to her.

So I don't get why I go home and all of a sudden I buy into the male fantasy. Part of it could be that although I've done everything physically except sex, I haven't had actual sex and don't have any basis for comparison. And I hope that's the case. I personally can't live the rest of my life the way I have been recently.

Some of you might say "How do you know you don't really want to sleep around?" If sex is anything like masturbation only better, I can live without it. It's temporary pleasure.



0_equals_true
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14 Nov 2009, 8:52 am

It is a fantasy. That doesn't mean you want to live it.



therange
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14 Nov 2009, 12:18 pm

0_equals_true wrote:
It is a fantasy. That doesn't mean you want to live it.


But it isn't MY Fantasy. For instance, years ago I used to want to be really good looking, like a model or celebrity. It was a fantasy and not something I would actually want, but it was my fantasy. Even in another world, I don't want to be a man-wh*re.

It bothers me that unless I'm dating someone that I have a connection with, when I'm single my mind will be like this. It's really not a healthy way to live even if it's completely normal for a guy my age.



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14 Nov 2009, 3:28 pm

Right, it's not your fantasy, but it's what dudes in our culture tell each other they should want. Insidious, isn't it?

You might clear it up by lessening your exposure to sources of that pressure.



therange
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14 Nov 2009, 5:03 pm

HH wrote:
Right, it's not your fantasy, but it's what dudes in our culture tell each other they should want. Insidious, isn't it?

You might clear it up by lessening your exposure to sources of that pressure.


I don't have many typical loser guy friends. In fact, I give my good friend sh*t for having a lay count of 15. He tries to justify it by saying "None of those were intentional one night stands, they just happened."

If anything, I think it's media hype. The word "sex" is probably one of the most overused words in the history of television. It's almost like you have to watch a wholesome show like Full House (not that there's anything wrong with Full House, I love it) to avoid sex references or a guy trying to get sex from a woman or vice versa. Then some shows take it another level and have half naked people casually having sex who aren't in love. I don't watch a lot of modern TV, but I've watched parts of episodes of shows like Niptuck and Las Vegas and the amount of skanky women and casual sex within a half hour or hour is frightening. So it obviously has an effect on the subconscious.

That being said, what can be done about it? I don't watch any modern TV except for 24, which doesn't have a lot of sexuality in it if any. In fact, the main character has genuine love interests. Is the damage already done?



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14 Nov 2009, 5:15 pm

Fantasies aren't reality. There is nothing wrong with having a fantasy that you wouldn't actually want to come true. Just build a firmer wall between what you want for your actual life and what inhabits your fantasy life.



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14 Nov 2009, 5:16 pm

No, there is no permanent damage. It sounds like you're pretty thorough. Assuming you also have zero exposure to porn, you're handling that aspect well. The next step is to firmly think about something else every time the thought comes up. Pick one topic that seems completely asexual to you, and think about that every time.

You're self-aware enough to realize you were being programmed from the outside. That means you have what it takes to undo it.



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14 Nov 2009, 6:11 pm

There's nothing wrong with fantasies. That's what fantasies are suppose to be for; to picture yourself doing something that you probably will never do. I have no sex life yet I fantasize about girls, it's completely normal and I don't care if I can never have them. I get over it.



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15 Nov 2009, 10:16 am

I don't get the fantasy. It's hard enough to satisfy one woman let alone 2 or three.

I remember seeing this documentary about a porn star. "Seymour Butts" it was mostly about him trying to have real dates with women then telling them what what he does for a living and dealing with the reactions. In one episode he had this guy who had been begging him to be in one of his movies. He was particularly interested in an orgie. He kept saying "I'm going to go from girl to girl right..." when they tried to shoot the movie the guy in question wasn't up to the job and failed to produce the "money shot".

I think a lot of men would find this happening.



leejosepho
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15 Nov 2009, 10:38 am

HH wrote:
You're self-aware enough to realize you were being programmed from the outside. That means you have what it takes to undo it.


Yes, and we can also be aware of a need to occasionally curb unhealthy pursuits of natural instincts.

I was raised within a "one man, one woman" kind of mindest -- a good thing, I believe -- and my mother told me I should save my kisses for my wife. Nevetheless, and without any effort on my part, I regularly fantasized about being in bed with various women even before I even knew anything about sexual intercourse. Somewhere within all of that is evidence of our inherent need to be needed as providers and to procreate, and today we all know how distorted all of that can be in the world around us.

I still have various fantasies show up in my mind today, but I only allow myself to act upon the thoughts or desires I can honestly believe are in the best interests of others.


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therange
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15 Nov 2009, 7:42 pm

I have dreams regularly (despite masturbating when my body tells me I "need" to and not holding out) about having sex with perfect 10s. I mean, these are the type of women that you'd have to be gay to turn down, even if you were like me and had an anti-casual sex stance. I don't even know where my mind comes up with these kind of women, because I live in nowheresville, USA where it's a struggle just to find a cute, pretty, or beautiful woman, let alone a perfect model. The media isn't it, either, because the women I like in the media are the type of women I'd want to date, and it's more of a romantic interest than a purely sexual interest.

I think the last poster has it pegged down (which is ironic because I was just listening to "Peg" by Steely Dan.) The male body wants to reproduce so badly that when guys are resitant, it will tempt you in any way possible, including making you fantasize about women that even if they exist, live in the city and probably wouldn't want you anyway.

You perverted guys on here are probably thinking, "I wish I had those dreams." But all it does it set up false expectations. There was a period of time a few years ago when I wasn't this mature, and bought into the hype and didn't even have a romantic type that I wanted to date. I actually thought I wanted to date some model purely for her looks.

The thing is, I'm not anti-sex at all, I'm just anti-hookups. When I meet a girl I really like for the right reasons and doesn't have a track record of sleeping with 20 plus guys, I will have sex with her.



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15 Nov 2009, 9:55 pm

It's a normal part of male biology. I hate it, but it's nature's way of getting us to screw around enough to have kids. *shrug*

Your best bet is to do what other good men do, and ignore it. If you have to, give it enough time with Ms. Lefty to keep it at bay.



willa
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15 Nov 2009, 11:25 pm

therange wrote:
You perverted guys on here are probably thinking, "I wish I had those dreams." But all it does it set up false expectations.



Haha. I've never had any kind of sexual dream. And i've thought that too, if i did, it'd just get upsetting =P.

But i've found sex is really not much better than masturbation. I dont say all because i've found in my experience it means something when with someone you know, you care about. Not necessarily in love, but i was in a long relationship, broke up and kind of slept around for a while (not exactly just random bar floozies, but was in college, worked at a restaurant, so had a lot of like minded women wanting no-strings-attached sex around) then got into another relationship that made me realize what that random sex really reminded me of, masturbation, just with someone else there helping you =P.

Not talking the difference between making love and sex, but the difference between sex with someone you know well and what is entailed with the 'sleeping' around part of sex.
I came to the realization that i had no urge to seek sex out just to have sex. I enjoy it and definitely think about it on what i think is a pretty average amount of time for a male in his mid-late 20s. But I have no desire to have sex with someone unless they are someone I know and have that comfortable relationship with them, whether it be a friends with benifits thing, or a loving relationship, just no taste for one night stands.


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therange
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16 Nov 2009, 12:09 am

You sound like me Willa.